Remembering that this Thursday is Thanksgiving, I got curious as to what some of my friends, co-workers, acquaintences, and others (including one guy who was begging for change on an off-ramp) are thankful for. The results, randomly listed below, with no names attached to protect the not-so-innocent, range from heartwarming to puzzling to startling to, well, to downright creepy. Here, have a look.........
"My kids"
"My health"
"That my car runs now"
"Chocolate"
"Boobs"
"That my daughter dumped her idiot boyfriend last week"
"Gas prices going down"
"The burgeoning career of Jake Gyllenhall"
"Beer"
"My cats"
"My grandkids"
"That my probation officer is on vacation this week"
"Tivo"
"Needy strippers"
"Vodka tonics"
"The Bengals having a good season"
"Statutes of limitations"
"Twinkies and Ho-Hos"
"Cherry Coke"
"The collective works of The Who"
"Pam Anderson's new show"
"Free porn"
"Our vacation home in Florida"
"Love, in all its' forms in this dimension and all others"
"My lightsaber"
"A good wine"
"Blowjobs"
"Being able to retire early"
"That my wife let me buy a new motorcycle"
"Aloe"
"Deep fried turkey"
"My chiropractor"
"My thermos"
"Outlet malls"
"Toilet paper"
"Quiet moments at home"
"Midget-on-midget porn"
"God"
"John Madden"
"Expense reports"
"Fish logs"
"The new Harry Potter movie"
"The ability to ejaculate"
"Vacation time"
"Salsa"
"Boneless wings"
"Hand puppets"
"The NFL Network"
"The smell of punanny"
.....and I'm simply thankful that I asked. On with the Matchups.....
(Thursday) Falcons at Lions-
Aaah, Thanksgiving in Detroit. What a tradition. Who wants to go to grandma's house when you can drive through bullet-riddled, litter-infested, downtown Detroit to watch your beloved Lions get their sphincters reamed by yet another more talented team? F-you grandma, I'm headed to the game!
(Thursday) Broncos at Cowboys-
If Parcells had Shannahan's choppers, just imagine the kind of damage he could do to a freshly basted turkey.
(Saturday) Georgia at Georgia Tech-
Patriots at Chiefs-
Early Americans versus indians.....on Thanksgiving weekend.....Brilliant!
Chargers at Redskins-
Charging at indians and referring to them with a derogatory term.....on Thanksgiving weekend.....Brilliant!
Niners at Titans-
The Tryptofan Game of the Week!
Seriously, this matchup could quickly put even the most hardcore methamphetamine addict into a deep coma.
Ravens at Bengals-
Nice to see that Jamal Lewis is still toting the pig like he has a jiblet bag stuck in his ass. Good times.
Panthers at Bills-
For those of you who have seen Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.....shouldn't it be a slam dunk no-brainer for the Panthers to change the name of their cheerleading squad from the Top Cats to the Sex Panthers? Seriously, who's in charge over there?
Bears at Bucs-
Winner of this one officially becomes the "Where in the Holy Hell Did They Come From" team of the year.
Browns at Vikings-
A win here and the Vikings will be 4-1 since their infamous orgy at sea. Coincidence? I don't know, but other mediocre teams like the Lions, Rams, and Bills may want to look into booking a cruise.
Rams at Texans-
Hey,is that David Carr or a lifeless CPR dummy? Hard to tell, my friend, hard to tell.
Jaguars at Cards-
When you think about it, the Jaguars are a lot like Mama Squintz- it may be ugly, and it may get quite messy but they do just enough to get the job done.
Dolphins at Raiders-
After the game, please join Ricky Williams for a traditional Thansgiving Day feast- two turkey subs from Quiznos, a heaping helping of hash potatoes, some delicious chicken pot pie, and weed......lots & lots of weed.
Packers at Eagles-
Last week, Eagles backup quarterback Mike McMahon looked a lot like the old Brett Favre. Meanwhile, Brett Favre looked a lot like the old Mike McMahon. Hmmm. Anyone ever seen the movie Freaky Friday? Speaking of which, has any woman in the history of women made a bigger slide on the Looks Continuum than Jamie Lee Curtis?
Giants at Seahawks-
Happy Tiki Day! (sorry)
Saints at Jets-
Seriously, what's the F-ing point here?
(Monday Night) Steelers at Colts-
You know what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving? Tommy Maddox. God bless you, Tommy Maddox.
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