Saw a new show last night called My name is Earl . Earl has a bit of an epiphany and decides that he’s carrying around a king-sized truckload of bad karma. Earl looks back on his life and tallies up all of his wrongdoings, then vows to make amends for each and every one of them in the hopes that he can get his yin and his yang properly calibrated again. It seems that there are over two hundred of these wrongs on Earl’s list, so the wishful-thinking dye has been cast by the creators for a 8-10 year run for the show. I’m not sure it makes it quite that far but if Earl keeps getting beaten up by near-sighted grandmas wielding fifty-pound bibles, driving cars with “Jesus is my Airbag” bumper stickers and we see more of his ex-girlfriend Jaime Pressly, then there should be some syndication money in their future. And the more I thought about it, the more I like the premise of the show. Not only for Earl, but for everyone. Shouldn’t we all strive to make amends for our sins? Shouldn’t we all ask forgiveness of those we’ve wronged in the past? Shouldn’t we all have memories of banging someone who looks like Jaime Pressly? I say “yes”, “yes”, and “hell yes”. It’s like Joe Dirt said, “Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?” Well sir, I for one would like to be sitting right in the middle of the yin-yang teeter totter with no regrets and no black clouds hovering overhead. Just blue skies, an ice cold MGD, and a Get Into Heaven Free pass hanging around my neck. Do I have some work to do to get there? You're damn right I do. And there's no better place to start than asking forgiveness from the plethora of footballers that I've talked trash about over the years. So, even though I don’t have “the crazy eyes” or a tattoo of Moses parting the Red Sea on my ass (you really needed to see the show for that one), I’m grabbing the divining rod and heading down to direct my moral traffic back onto the highway to righteousness. Just like a pulling guard paving the way to the promised land. Come on, follow me.....
Notre Dame at Purdue-
I may have, at one time (during the Tyrone Willingham Era), said something like “Even God has stopped rooting for Notre Dame at this point.” So I’d like to apologize to God, God’s advisors, the good people of Notre Dame, and, of course, Rudy Ruettiger.
Minnesota at Penn State-
It has been brought to my attention that I once made a remark about Joe Paterno dressing like a “nerdy pedophile”. Well, I’ll admit it….that was just wrong. He actually looks more like Eugene Levy, if he were hit on the head by one of those big Donkey Kong hammers. And that's no crime. A shame, but no crime.
Sorry Joe Pa.
Bills at Saints (in San Antonio)-
This one’s easy. I’d like to ask forgiveness from Takeo Spikes, who I once referred to as being “gap-toothed and triple-dipped”. That was completely out of line. So….I’m sorry. And Takeo, I’m also sorry to hear that you tore up your knee last week……in Buffalo……where you ran off to instead of sticking it out while Marvin Lewis turned things around here in Cincinnati. I’m also sorry that Odell Thurman is playing in stripes, wearing your old number, and making everyone forget all about you. Best of luck with your rehab.
Broncos at Jaguars-
Coach Shannahan, you may have heard that, on occasion, I’ve poked a little fun at your oversized choppers. You probably have a very good reason for not getting a pair that better fits your steakhole, even though you do make a ton of money & could probably afford a nice gold set like Chad Johnson or Flava Flav. But nevertheless, your false teeth are your business, not mine. So, please accept my apologies and this huge husk of corn on the cob as a token of my regret.
Lions at Bucs-
Last year, I jumped all over Lions GM Matt Millen after he made some insensitive anti-gay comments. As it says it the good book, “Let ye who hasn’t gay-bashed cast the first stone at those who have”. Of course I’m paraphrasing, but the point is I shouldn’t have taken the high ground there. So, my apologies to you, Mr. Millen, and I hope to see you in sensitivity class again next Thursday.
Texans at Bengals-
I really can’t think of anyone to apologize to here………Nope, nobody comes to mind……….Who? Mike Brown? …..You know what; maybe this was a bad idea. ‘Cause I’m certainly not ready to……Seriously, I just can’t…….Are you sure this is completely necessary?........(sigh)………………….Oh Christ, okay……I’m sorry.
(I feel dirty now. There had better be lots of free whores and hotcakes in heaven.)
Colts at Titans-
Porno ‘stache or Horse face, porno ‘stache or horse face?
Umm…..I’d like to apologize to Steve McNair for once referring to him as being “Black Irish”.
Chargers at Patriots-
This apology goes out to Kristin Schottenheimer. I’ve devoted a lot of keystrokes to referencing the stroking that took place one late fall evening in Oxford, Ohio between Marty’s daughter and one of my college roommates back in 2001. I’m sure that by now Kristin is busy taking care of a husband, a few kids, and trying to deal with a weight problem and really doesn’t need any of the aggravation I’ve caused. So, I’m very sorry. And as a matter of fact, if I could turn back the clock and steer you away from that one-night romp, the one where you could be heard down the hall squealing and moaning like a wounded groundhog, believe me, I would.
Seahawks at Redskins-
So you’re fat, big deal. You know you’re fat, I know you’re fat, everybody knows you’re fat, and I shouldn’t have rubbed it in. You actually look more like a big cuddly walrus in person. So Coach Holmgren, what I’m trying to say is, “I’m sorry.” I’d be very grateful if you could find it in your heart to forgive me. And if it’s not too forward, could I climb into that big beefy torso and get a hug?
Rams at Giants-
It must be hard having a brother who’s better at what you do than you are. I wouldn’t know, I don’t have a brother, so it probably hasn’t been fair of me to poke fun at you.
And your name isn’t that bad, either. Sure it’s a little different, but it’s unique. Anyway, I’m sorry for any grief I may have caused you. I hope you will accept my most humble apologies and I wish nothing but the best of luck to you and your brother. Please tell Ronde that I said ‘hello’.
(surely you didn't think I was talking about Eli)
Jets at Ravens-
To those good, decent, upstanding Baltimore Ravens team and staff members whom I have lumped in with the criminals on the team over the years, I must sincerely apologize to all three of you.
Cowboys at Raiders-
When I said you looked like “Joan Rivers after a sex change”, I was obviously exaggerating. When I hinted that you routinely scared off the cheerleaders with your “Silly Putty face”, I was simply being childish. And when I mentioned that you had an “unnatural affinity for Troy Aikman’s wiener”, well, that was just supposition, at best. I apologize, Mr. Jones. I actually admire a man who’s concerned with trying to better his appearance and would never want you to hesitate at further cosmetic surgery if you thought it was necessary. As a matter of fact, if I could make a suggestion, you may want to have your ears looked at. And your neck. Maybe see about some hair plugs.
Vikings at Falcons-
So you passed along a sexually transmitted disease to some innocent young lady and then gave her a fake name, big deal. Did I really need to make fun of you for that? Let me answer that- No, no I didn’t. I’m sure it’s not fun to have your penis feel like it’s on fire every time you take a whiz, and my insults surely haven’t eased your pain. In fact, an apology doesn’t really seem good enough in this instance. So, since I’m sure it’s not easy for you to find too many women willing to “hang out” with you at this point, I’d like to offer a solution……I’ve found a woman who already has a raging case of herpes and who also just so happens to have a thing for shifty black guys. Mike, er, I mean Ron Mexico, I’d like you to meet Mama Squintz. Mama Squints, this is my friend Ron Mexico.
Eagles at Chiefs-
Coach Vermeil, please stop crying……I said I was sorry……What? They’re “happy tears”? Oh. Well, does that mean you forgive me? Great, I’m uh, just going to let myself out while you, uh, let it all out. Have a good cry. I’ll call ya.
Niners at Cardinals (in Mexico City)-
Of course I wasn’t serious when I said you were going to “melt like a big fudgesicle” out there in Arizona. I was totally kidding. But it was insensitive, and for that I apologize. What? Uh, well, I’ve got a half-eaten turkey & swiss in the car. Really? So if I give you the rest of the sandwich, you’ll forgive me? I’ll be right back.
(And as for you Niners, I still damn you all to straight hell. Jesus is on my side here, believe me.)
(Monday Night) Packers at Panthers-
And finally......this one goes out to all the Cheeseheads. I now know that not all of you engage in "getting hammered on Old Milwaukee every night." I now realize that not all of you get your rocks off by "tipping cows in the middle of dairy farms after the bars close." And I now realize that not all of your women are "thick-legged and pale-faced with breath that smells like Spam." I was wrong when I said those things and I'm very sorry. Fonzie rules!
Now then, bring on the good karma, bitches! My slate is clear and my conscience is clean. I feel so much lighter. I feel good. I feel fresh. I feel like........like it's time to start all over again. Can't wait til next week.
