…The more they stay the same- Randy Moss is still a dickhead, Mike Vick still has street cred, the Browns are still having quarterback trouble, the guy Pac-Man Jones’ bodyguard shot is still paralyzed, the Monday Night Football broadcast team still sucks, and Bill Walsh is still, um, dead.
It’s only been seven months since the Bears decided to hand the Colts the Lombardi Trophy by allowing Rex Grossman to start in the Super Bowl. Seven months? Is that all? Feels like forever. Probably because so many important things have happened in the interim. The Miller Brewing Company introduced my new favorite "kickin' it with the illegals" beer, Miller Chill, Dan Patrick left ESPN, Bob Barker retired, Tammy Faye died, Britney Spears lost what was left of her mind, Paris Hilton did time and found God, Nicole Richie did some wannabe punk rocker and found a fetus growing in her malnourished womb, David Stern shit his pants, Scott Baio and Corey Feldman somehow became relevant again, Scary Spice became Buckwheat’s baby mama, and, of course, Big Brother 8 kicked off on CBS (Jen is HOTT!, Eric is a pansy, and Evil Dick is a terrible father. Yes, I watch it. And no, I’m not gay.)
Yep, it’s been quite a busy spring & summer with respect to such important world events. Therefore, I figure it’s my duty (to tap that booty) and my pleasure (again, to tap that booty) to bring everyone up to speed on the comings & goings, the ins & outs, the ups & downs, the heretofores & wherewithalls, the good, the bad & the ugly, and the Seattle-to-Miami rundown on the lowdown of each team in the National Football League. Whoooh. Let’s begin where I always like to begin, with a quick peek at a half-naked Jessica Alba.
She makes me feel funny.
In honor of Jessica, let's go ahead and start in the wet spot. Hey, there you are Seattle...
Seahawks-
Grant Wistrom out, Patrick Kearney in, no first round pick, Holmgren is another year fatter and Hasselbeck is another year balder. Speaking of Hasselbeck, how often do you think he fantasizes about his younger brother's wife? My guess is three times as often as before. Especially since she got her that new set of funbags.
That's one hot, catfighting Republican!
Niners-
The Gay Bay Squad signed cornerback Nate Clements to something like a $4 billion a year contract and then drafted Patrick “What ‘chu talkin’ ‘bout” Willis" to play linebacker. They’re lookin’ better, and their coach seems even more determined to proceed with the whole “wearin’ a suit on the sidelines” gimmick.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Rams-
Apparently they missed having a pasty white defensive end (Grant Wistrom) so they drafted a new pasty white defensive end (Adam Carriker) to take his place. The Ba Ba White Sheep also signed a pasty white wide receiver (Drew Bennett) and locked up their pasty white quarterback (Marc Bulger) to a long-term deal. Word on the street is that they’re also looking to bring in The Pillsbury Doughboy to play D-tackle and they’ve already worked out The Joker, Ken Broo, and some homeless albino guy for possible depth in the secondary.
Cardinals-
They've replace their obese, podium slamming coach with a newer, slimmer one, but otherwise have no notable gains or losses to roster. Meanwhile Matt Leinart continues to create bastard children, look for acting gigs and hang out with Nick Lachey.
When the Cards come to Cincinnati later in the season you just know that Nick & Matty are gonna’ tear it up at the Lodge Bar on Walnut. And by “tear it up” I mean get shit-faced on appletinis and wax each other’s pecs in the mens room. Cockfight!
Bears-
They cut Tank “The Frank” Johnson, moved Devin Hester to wide receiver, and had the #1 tight end in the draft fall into their laps. Still, Rex Grossman remains in place as their quarterback. I think I’d rather suffer from some kind of Cambodian river basin plague than have Rex as my team’s QB. You know, the kind of plague where you crap blood, puke bile, develop a full-body fire rash, and slowly have your insides eaten away by mutated miniature fruit bats.
Packers-
Brett Favre is still there, drinking Ensure, eating tapioca pudding, and serving once again as the league's lone designated grey-haired quarterback. Oh, and they also lost their top two running backs in free agency.
Moldy cheese, anyone?
Lions-
Yep, Matt Millen is still employed as their GM. Yep, they drafted another first round wide receiver. Yep, they still have Jon Kitna throwing to another first round wide receiver. To quote Al from Happy Days, “Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep…” (Hey, if Chachi can make a comeback, so can Al. He’s dead? No, Arnold’s dead. Al’s dead, too? For real? Well then who in the hell is running Arnold’s!?)
Vikings-
Four words: Tavarius. Jackson. Starting. Quarterback.
Feel free to start laughing uncontrollably.
Saints-
Last year’s feel-good story looks to add the final pieces to the puzzle by improving defense with……wait for it, wait for it…..Brian Simmons and Kevin Kaesveharn.
To quote Farmer Ted, Smooth move, Cliff.
Panthers-
Does this team even exist anymore? I haven’t heard anything about them. I think maybe they all decided to hop in a van and tour the country as a traveling carnival. I hope they bring me back a candy apple and some kettle corn.
I loves me some kettle corn!
Falcons-
I think one of their good players got into some trouble over animal cruelty or beastiality or something. Maybe. I’m not sure. Oh, and they have a new coach.
Buccaneers-
They traded for Jake Plummer but he decided that didn’t want to play for them. Talk about your blessings-in-disguise, eh? They’re much better off with a half-dead Chris Simms or that polish dude Grab-asski, er whatever. They’re still frontin’ some sweet-ass cheerleaders, though…
Cowboys-
Parcells out, Wade Phillips in. Vanderjagt out, Grammatica I in. Tony Romo has apparently been in and out of Carrie Underwood. Aaand, T.O. has so far successfully avoided “accidentally” swallowing a milk jug full of sleeping pills. Apparently the closest he’s come is a mouthful of horse tranquilizers. It was so close, too. I disguised them in a peanut butter & jam sandwich and told him it was Jif Crunchy-style. How was I to know that he doesn’t like raspberry jam and would spit it out? Seriously, who doesn’t like raspberry? A jackass, that’s who.
Eagles-
They drafted a QB in round one, so, predictably, McNabb developed a case of the ass. They also lost Donte (yes, with an “o”) Stallworth in free agency and they traded for Takeo Spikes. Most importantly, their cheerleaders came out with a new calendar…
Seriously, why are there only twelve months in a year? I need more thong bikini-wearing Eagles Cheerleaders. Damn you Julius Caesar!
Giants-
Coughlin’s on the hot seat, Eli’s one more bad year away from permanent clipboard duty, Strahan’s pouting & holding out, and they cut their big 2006 free agent signing, Lavar Arrington. The good news? At least that obnoxious fireman doesn’t show up to the Meadowlands when they play.
Redskins-
Their secondary is much improved with the free agent signing of cornerback Fred Smoot and by drafting safety Laron Landry. Their offense should also be much improved with the shocking conversion of Mark Brunell from Christianity to Scientology. According to Brunell’s agent, “Mark gave JC a lot of chances to come through for him. I mean a LOT of chances. I mean, he read the bible every day, attended mass on Sundays, wore those WWJD bracelets, even worked the parish bake sales and fish frys on occassion. And what did he get for his trouble? Not one Super Bowl, that's what. To say JC let him down is a gross understatement. So, you come to a point where you finally just have to cut your losses and move on. Plus, he gets invited to much cooler parties now. Heck, just last week, Travolta took him flying in his private jet and TomKat invited him and his wife over for a night of wine tasting, elitist socio-economic discussion, and passionate homosexual spouse-swapping. Sure, he of course had to turn down the socio-economic elitist discussion, but it sure beats bake sales and fish frys, if you ask me.”
Chargers-
Marty’s gone and so is one of my all-time, crowd-pleasing, never-fails blog references. On the bright side, they’ve brought back the white helmets. When they wear the all-white unis, they look like an electric sperm army. It’s quite breathtaking.
Broncos-
Shannifanny was very busy in the free agent market, signing 18 new players and losing 11. He even brought in a couple new O-lineman & has been working hard to turn them into professional knee assasins, er, chop blockers, er, zone blockers. Whatever. Anyway, the best new addition in Denver for 2007? Rookie cheerleader Lauren. Fire in the hole!
Chiefs-
Trent Green and his concussion-prone melon were sent to Miami and Larry Johnson is pouting like a kindygartner, because, well, Priest Holmes is back. I honestly don’t know what will turn out worse, the Chiefs 2007 season or the inaugural season of The Two Coreys.
Raiders-
VERY good defense possibly gets even better with the addition of safety Donovan Darius. VERY, VERY bad offense gets potentially downright putrid with the departure of Randy Moss. Toss in the curious hiring of the USC wide receivers coach (seriously, not a college head coach, not a college offensive coordinator, but a college wide receivers coach) to be their head coach. Add to that the signing of the decrepit interception machine that is Daunte Culpepper and there’s really only one thing to say…..”Welcome to the 2008 NFL Draft. The Oakland Raiders are now on the clock.”
Ravens-
Bill(d)ick has a new starting tailback this season- Willis McGahee’s in, Jamal Lewis is out. Twit for fat, you might say. Bad news for you ratbirds fans: Adalius Thomas is a beast and he’s no longer on your team. Oh, and they’re still just one Steve McNair strained hammy away from Kyle Boller playing in a real game again. (shudder) Cue Cartman: Goddammit Kyle!
Bengals-
Well, as I write this, no one’s been arrested in Whodeyville in a few months. Although if I get too close to returning BenGal, Tiffany,
there’s a very good chance that public indecency, mayhem, and some stalking charges may arise (along with my wiener. Seriously, my wiener is gonna rise. I'm not kidding, you best back the fuck up grandma.)
Steelers-
Cowher retired (who says I’m not a poet?).
Turns out to be great news for the Steelers equipment manager as twenty seven players immediately announce that they no longer need face shields on their helmets. (You see, Cowher spit a lot when he yelled and they needed the shields to block the free-flying saliva. He really spit a lot. I mean a lot. He reminded me of a hair-lipped camel I used to have. His name was Maxwell and Maxwell was the shizzy. Especially with the ladies. I remember this one time, Maxwell and I took a roadie to Akron and he- ..... I'm sorry, when it comes to Maxwell I tend to digress. More on Maxwell another time.)
Browns-
How’d you like to be stud #3 pick in the draft left tackle Joe Thomas and realize that you’re gonna have to protect this guy’s backside for the next few years?
Not good times.
Colts-
World Champs add OSU wideout Anthony Gonzalez and don’t lose anybody of note. Well, except Tony Dungy’s son. Oooh. Okay, I know, I’ll drive myself straight to Hell. That was extra salty, even for me. I’m quite honestly ashamed of myself. I really should delete this.
Titans-
Three words: The. Madden. Curse.
Jaguars-
Basically it's the same team as last year coming back, except for punter Chris Hanson. Woo-Hoo! Hey fellas, it’s safe to bring the axes back into the locker room!
And while you’re at it, bring an extra one to chop the head off of Byron Leftwich’s career.
Texans-
Matt Schaub is in, David Carr is out. They also signed halfback Ahman Green and added rookie freak of nature Amobi Okoye to an already strong D-line. Dare I say it but the Texans might actually win more th--- Holy crap, cheerleaders with a beer cauldron!
Patriots-
Sure, they added Adalius Thomas, Randy Moss and Donte (yes, again with an “o”) Stallworth. But Tom Brady has got problems. He’s dating one supermodel while another one just had his baby. Ah-hah, now that’s a major probl- uh, hmmm, ….hooh….Yeah, I fucking hate him.
Jets-
All together now, first chant of the season, let’s make it strong…..oooooOOOOOOHHH J!-E!-T!-S!, Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Dolphins-
The fish traded in Daunte Culpepper for Trent Green. Isn’t that kinda like pushing away a plate of brussel sprouts in favor of a plate of, well, brussel sprouts?
They also signed Joey Porter. Therefore I shall heretofore refer to them as the Miami Fuckfish until further notice. And by further notice, I mean forever.
Bills-
McGahee’s gone, Spikes is gone, but this guy is still there.
Well, that’s it. Consider yourself armed with all the knowledge you could possibly need to navigate your way through the first few weeks of pigskin prognosticating this season. Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear some Hall & Oates emanating from the bedroom stereo. That can mean just one thing; Mama Squintz has poured us a couple strong & tall Long Island iced teas, the lid is off the tangerine-scented body rub, and I’m about to be invited into a little role play where I pose as a ill-tempered 13th century Nordic warlord who, with the help of a freakishly large fire roasted leg of lamb, plunders an unsuspecting plus-size villager girl.
See ya.
