Week 5 Matchups

A few quick thoughts before we get to the Matchups this week:

I lost count- how many times has Joe Dirt been aired on Comedy Central so far this year- 432 or 433?
And no, I'm not complaining.

Speaking of not complaining, I LOVE the show Las Vegas (Monday nights 9pm on NBC). I'm just trying to figure out why it's not the top-rated show in America yet? (at least among males, age 18-34). This show gives good story lines, good writing, EXTREMELY hot chicks, and Sonny Corleone. What are we missing here?

Speaking of missing something, I watched the series premiere of Desperate Housewives (and no, I'm not gay) and I don't get what the fuss is all about. Guess you've got to be a desperate housewife. Personally, if I want to see irrational behavior and relationship problems on television, I'll watch YOUNG chicks on The Real World, not an over-the hill Terri Hatcher and half of the old Melrose Place cast.

Speaking of the old Melrose Place cast, can someone please locate the one person in the country who is watching Heather Locklear on LAX? Here's a tough question: What has a longer life expectancy, LAX or Jonathan Quinn as the Bears starting quarterback?

Speaking of bears, why is the large and in charge Kelly Osborne starring in a non-reality TV show? Did she take some acting pills? And furthermore, why does she look like a Nathan Lane-in-Drag blowup doll?

Speaking of reality shows, after watching Mark Cuban on The Benefactor, I fully endorse any movement to have this dipshit removed from the public eye.

Speaking of dipshits, what genius came up with the idea to force Joe Knuxhall into retirement? Whoever it is, I hope he comes down with a raging case of mouth herpes.

Speaking of mouth herpes, Mama Squintz is doing fine. She's tired from the long nights at her new job but is happy to report that the pole at this club is much warmer than the one at the last place and it also isn't giving her that nasty thigh rash she had most of last year.

And speaking of pole dancing, check out the link above for our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week. She's rash-free, for your pleasure.

Now, on with the Matchups.......



Wisconsin at Ohio State-
OSU’s nickname is the Buckeyes but Wisconsin’s mascot is named Bucky. Why is that? Because badgers have the appearance of being buck-toothed? Well, buckeyes have the appearance of being large, brown nuts. So using that logic, shouldn’t the OSU mascot be named Warren Sapp’s Testicle?
Or simply, Al Roker?


Texas at Oklahoma-
The role of Bob Stoops' Bitch will be played, again, by Mack Brown.
And somewhere near a golf course, Steve Spurrier will be hunkered down under his visor watching it all like an understudy who just carefully placed a banana peel on the stage.


Dolphins at Patriots-
So let me get this straight. The Patriots are about to break the 1972 Dolphins streak for consecutive victories, and they're going to do it against a Dolphins team that is well on its way to the first perfect 0-16 season? Ahh, good times in Miami.


Bills at Jets-
B!-I!-L!-L!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!


Browns at Steelers-
Did you see Poalamaoloalalamu snatch that pineapple out of midair & return it for a touchgoon? Fucking fire-eater.


Panthers at Broncos-
What we have here are two pretty decent teams with some nice attributes, but you just get the sense that neither of them have what it takes to win it all this year. They're both what I like to call "Miss Nebraskas". You know when you're watching the Miss America Pageant (for those 3 or 4 minutes before you figure out that you just missed the swimsuit competition) and you see Miss Nebraska, she's almost always the one with the biggest hootenflanders, right? And why not, she's milkfed.
Anyway, then you think to yourself, "Wow, with those fun bags, she's bound to hang around in this competition for a while". But you also know that the talent portion is coming up and that's bad news 'cause she's going to be either A) Clogging, B) Tossing a baton in the air, or C) Hog calling. That usually puts an abrupt end to her quest for the tiara.


Raiders at Colts-
Hey, Raider Nation. Best of luck next season. You are about to get thrown into the Abandon All Hopes of Making the Playoffs pile.


Jaguars at Chargers-
What in the fuck is going on with these two squads? Are the Jags still for real after losing at home to the Colts? Are the Chargers trying to make us believe they can be respectable by beating the Titans? I don't believe either one of 'em. It's like when you move in on a couple hot chicks sitting at a bar only to find out that they're both a little heavy on the makeup, are wearing colored contacnts, padded bras, girdles, wigs, and have penises the size of baby elephant trunks. In other words, not quite what they seemed once you carefully inspect them. Right, Mit?


Rams at Seahawks-
Keep one eye on the field and one eye on that volcano. Over the past week or so, Mt. St. Helen's has been burping like John Goodman at a bean festival. That's got to be a little unnerving. And my sources tell me that by secret ballot, the Rams players have decided to offer up Coach Martz as a sacrifice to appease the gods should they lose to the Seahawks. I imagine they'll march him up the mountain Joe Versus the Volcano style.


Cardinals at Niners-
"Josh McCown. Tim Rattay. It's the Cardinals and the Forty Niners,
this Sunday on FOX!"


Lions at Falcons-
I can't yet figure out if Mike Vick, with his growing 'fro, looks more like Chris Rock's Nat X character on SNL or the miniature dude in the Sprite commercials who's a ripoff of Little Penny, who by the way, was voiced by, you guessed it- Chris Rock .


Vikings at Texans-
While Mike Vick has vowed not to cut his hair until the Falcons make the Super Bowl, word out of Houston is that David Carr made good on a wager & got his hair trimmed because the Texans did the unthinkable and won two games in a row. Way to set the bar Davey.


Giants at Cowboys-
Tommy "Ratface" Coughlin somehow has the Giants at 3-1. Go fucking figure. And how's this for a subplot: Tiki Barber will be on the same field as Keyshawn Johnson. The same Keyshawn Johnson who just a few weeks ago called Tiki's twin brother an "Uncle Tom". So what does that make Tiki, Uncle Tiki? Uncle Tom Tiki? Uncle Tom's brother Tiki? Uncle Tiki once removed? Uncle Cracker? I need to know.


Bucs at Saints-
ESPN is reporting that Saints QB Aaron Brooks got into an "altercation" with teammate Charles Grant before, during, and after the team's chartered flight back from their ass-whipping in Arizona on Sunday. The report states that the incident included finger-pointing between the New Orleans offense and defense. And according to my Bea Arthur Swimsuit Calendar, Sunday was October 3rd. Mark that down as the date that Jim Haslett officially lost control of his team this year. I believe that's a record even for him. Think I'll send him a card.


Ravens at Redskins-
Clintportis is apparently making noise in D.C. because his per carry average is down almost two yards from last season in Denver and he claims that the opposing defenses know what plays they're going to run before they happen. There are also some disturbing clock-management issues going on with the Skins that have everyone is a bit of a tizzy. Neither of these issues should be very surprising when you stop to consider that Coach Gibbs has spent the better part of the last decade in a sport where your toughest play call is whether to change two or four tires on a pit stop and guys named Bubba can't figure out the highly complex "How many miles to the gallon do we get, how many miles is a lap, how many laps ago did we last filler up, and many miles are left in the race" word problem. Honestly, I'm waiting for Clintportis (aka The Number 26 Car) to go to the sideline for a breather and a team of guys in matching flame-retardant jumpsuits to simultaneously change his shoes, pour Gatorade down his gullet, and squeegie off his helmet face visor.


(Monday Night) Titans at Packers-
Favre is questionable coming off of a concussion. McNair is questionable with a severely bruised sternum. I got a feeling they're both gonna play, don't you? I mean, the two toughest quarterbacks in the league are scheduled to battle it out on Monday Night & they want us to believe that they're not putting on the pads for this one? Whatever. They're both gonna play, they're both gonna play hurt, and it'll probably end like your typical Monday Night WWE Raw.
Jim Ross: "These two guys are on the brink of exhaustion. I don't know how they're finding it in themselves to continue."
Jerry Lawler: "This is great, J.R. Hey look, Favre's got a chair, Hee-hee..."
Jim Ross: "Favre just grabbed a folding chair from out of the crowd!"!!!
THWACK!!!!!!
Jim Ross: "Noooooooooo!!!"
Jerry Lawler: "Hee-heeee! That's gotta hurt, J.R. I think he may have puntured his liver, spleen AND kidneys with that hit."
Jim Ross: "What in the hell is he doing now?"
Jerry Lawler: "He's going to the top rope. He's going to end the match right here!"
Jim Ross: "Brett Favre is climbing to the top of the ropes, and.......Hey, what in the hell is HE doing here???"
Jerry Lawler: "Hey, it's Mike McKenzie! Hee-hee!"
Jim Ross: "Get him out of here! He's got no business......Oooooh! He just sprayed some kind of pepper spray directly into Favre's face! Get him out of here!!!"
Jerry Lawler: "He's going to body slam him, J.R.!"
Jim Ross: "McKenzie has Favre loaded on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes! It looks like he's going to slam him from the top rope, right down into McNair! Good Lord, somebody stop him!!!"
THUD!!!!!
Jim Ross: "Nooooooooo!!!!!" Somebody get an ambulance! Neither man is moving. Oh good Lord, this is terrible.....And folks, we are completely out of time!......."

Week 4 Matchups

Yes, I know that you probably came here with great anticipation looking for the promised in-depth discussion regarding the talents of Keanu Reeves and Andrew McCarthy. Believe me, I too am excited at the opportunity to simply speculate about what would happen if the two of them shared a screen together someday. Would they drag each other to all-new depths or would one of them look in the mirror and get the strength to rise above, up to the level of your typical Extra in a high school drama production? What kind of plot would it have to be? Who on earth would sign on to co-star? Who would be desperate enough to direct? Would anyone plunk down nine dollars to go see it in the theatre, or would it just go straight to DVD? Or would MTV, VH1 an E! hype it up like it was the next Godfather and con a few hundred thousand kids out of their allowance? All good questions that I desperately need to explore.

But not now.

Right now something's going on that supercedes even a good Keanu bashing. Something so disruptive that even Dennis Miller would have a hard time coming up with an obscure metaphor to describe it. Something that threatens to shift the entire balance of power in the NFL and throw all football logic as we know it right out the window. Something that is about to create an alternate universe, the like of which that have only been seen on old Star Trek episodes, Superman/Bizarro confrontations on Superfriends, and in the secret underground rooms of Siegfried & Roy's mansion. (Please, don't ask.)
What am I talking about? Well, I think David Lee Roth said it best on side one of Van Halen II when he screeched, "Somebody get me a doctor, .....Oh yeah!"

In case you haven't noticed, the NFL has suddenly turned into a WWE Battle Royale. Last team standing wins the belt!
The number of serious injuries so far this season is utterly staggering. I haven't seen this many guys go down so fast since the first fifteen minutes of Saving Private Ryan. All that's left is to see player wandering around the field shell-shocked, searching for his left arm. It's unbelievable. And if you don't believe me, let's take a look at the toe tags:

Rex Grossman, torn knee ligaments- out for the season
Rich Gannon, broken neck- out at least six weeks
Tommy Maddox, injured elbow- out at least six weeks
Charlie Garner, torn knee ligaments- out for the season
Deuce McCallister, severe ankle sprain- out four to six weeks
Stephen Davis, knee injury- out for the season
Kellen Winslow Jr, broken leg- out for the season
Courtney Brown, torn foot ligament- out for the season
Gerrard Warren, torm pectoral muscle- out indefinitely
Nate Webster, torn patella tendon- out for the season
Mike Brown, ruptured achilles tendon- out for the season
Kevin Jones, knee injury- out two to four weeks
John Ritchie, leg injury- out for the season
Todd Heap, sprained ankle- out two to four weeks
Lavar Arrington, knee injury- out two to four weeks
Charles Rogers, broken collarbon- out for the season

And those are just the high-profile players.
Now, I'm all for bone-jarring, snot-bubbling, violent collisions on the playing field but most of these injuries were caused by a simple change of direction or a cleat getting caught in the sod. That's not fun. I don't want to see the pecking order of the NFL determined by non-contact injuries. I want to see the stars duke it out each and every week. Who wants to watch the second-teamers? Hell, we just got done with the boring preseason & now we're back to the scrubs again. I don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a guy who won't get no love from me. God, how I do miss Left Eye. Anyway, you know what all of this calls for, don't you? It's obvious. Cloning.
Yes, cloning.
You clone every starting player on every team, send them all to a commune where they can eat, sleep, practice and excercise together. When a starter goes down, you go get the clone. No more waiver wire claims, no more grabbing guys out of UPS trucks, just a simple DNA Double chartered in by jet from Camp Clone and your team doesn't skip a beat. And there's no reason to relegate this only to players, we can also clone the best announcers, the best referees, and the best cheerleaders,...... I mean, why suffer through a game with Gus Frerotte, Don Criqui, and Jeff Triplett as referee when you could have Daunte Culpepper's clone at QB, Al Michaels in the booth, Red Cashion as head referee, and Redskins cheerleader Kristen on the sidelines? Oh, you don't know Kristen? Well, you're in luck because she just so happens to be our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (check the link above).

Sure, the idea of cloning has plenty of ethical, moral and economical issues involved with it, but so do drinking, gambling, and excessive girl-ogling. And without them, I ask you, where would this great game be? Cloning is just a natural next-step for this league. It's a step that needs to happen and a change that needs to be made. To quote Michael Jackson, "Make that change."
And to paraphrase Barbara Streisand, "Send in the Clones!"
(And no, I'm not gay.)

Now, on with the Matchups.....


Purdue at Notre Dame-
Maybe Tyrone Willingham is the Black Jesus afterall.

Auburn at Tennessee-
Remember, that's pronounced Aww-burn at Tin-uhh-see.

Redskins at Browns-
The Butch Davis Farewell Tour swings back through Cleveland. Get your tickets now!


Bengals at Steelers-
Looks like our Black Jesus tried to turn water & fish into wine & bread but so far has only come up with grape juice and pork rinds. Ooh....yep, now I'm hungry.


Colts at Jaguars-
Watch out 1972 Dolphins, the Jacksonville Jaguars are 3-0!
No, but seriously....


Patriots at Bills-
Watch out 1972 Dolphins, the New England Patriots are 3-0!


Raiders at Texans-
The last time the Texans were favored over the Raiders was Week 3 of the 1962 season.
Both teams were in the old AFL,
The Texans played in the Cotton Bowl in Dallas,
A handsome 33 year-old Al Davis had just slipped into his very first white sweatsuit,
And....... JFK's head was still intact.

Yes, Hell, I know.


Eagles at Bears-
Rex Grossman is out for Chicago and Jonathan Quinn is in. But unless it's Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman with the ingredients for a paralyzation spell hidden in a bowl of Chunky Soup placed inconspicuously at Donovan McNabb's locker, then it really doesn't matter, does it?


Saints at Cardinals-
Wow, the the Saints won last week- on the road, without Deuce McCallister. I haven't seen it with my own eyes but apparently Aaron Brooks is playing like a clone of Mike Vick. I guess that means the loss of Jerry Fontenot hasn't had a devastating effect on him, huh? Strange.


Falcons at Panthers-
Speaking of Mike Vick, have you seen the new Nike commercial featuring the Mike Vick Experience amusement park ride? I mean, have you SEEN it?! Freaking awesome! This is one of those commercials that's so good, it makes you want to find the people who make bad commercials- like the ones for Old Navy- and punch their teeth right out of their head.


Jets at Dolphins-
Hey, I've got an idea for another one of those Nike commercials? The A.J. Feeley Experience. Yes!
You get strapped in, pulled back from the line, have your head turned to scan left and right, then BAM!, you get body slammed to within an inch of your life. Then you get picked up and go through the same sequence twenty nine more times before finally being elevated to a platform where you are released to lie in a puddle of your own blood, sweat and feces.


Broncos at Buccaneers-
Can we officially call them the Succaneers yet?


Giants at Packers-
This is my ironclad-rock solid-no doubt about it- absolute guarantee of the century game. There is no way, I repeat, NO WAY that the Giants go into Lambeau, improve to 3-1 and send the Pack to 1-3. If this happens, I will come to the Palooza Monday Night outing dressed in only a diaper with "I Love Tom Coughlin" scrawled on my back in red marker. Conversely, if the Packers win, Mama Squintz has agreed to come to the outing dressed in only a thong bikini bottom with "I Love Weiner" written across her chest. You know, like usual.


Titans at Chargers-
Steve McNair is most likely out with a bruised sternum. Billy Volek will take his place.
No, seriously.


Rams at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!


(Monday Night) Chiefs at Ravens-
Last year, the Chiefs began the season 9-0 and Dick Vermeil was crying at the drop of a hat. Thiis year, they're sitting 0-3 and we get no tears. This is one emotionally confused old man.

Week 3 Matchups

Well, here we are in Week 3 and I just realized that I've got no fucking clue about 28 of the 32 NFL teams. The Patriots and Eagles are kick-ass good & the Texans and Cardinals are shit-sucking terrible. That's it. I know nothing more, nothing less. Hell, isn't everybody else 1-1? Okay, the Lions, Jags, Jets and Seahawks are all 2-0 but the jury is nowhere near a verdict on any of them, right? The next couple of weeks will show us which surprise teams have legs for the long run and which of them will fade like my uncle Rob after Thanksgiving dinner. The next couple weeks will also tell us which of the expected contenders who are off to a slow start can turn things around & which of them will keep sinking like Dom Delouise in a big pool of chocolate pudding. (Can you tell that I'm loving the metaphors tonight? I love 'em like a supermodel with big cupcake breasts and red licorice nipples.)

So anyway, who will get legs? Who will start to fade? Who will sink? And who will sport the licorice nipples? Again, I have no fucking idea. But I do know that injuries don't help. That's the bad news for Cleveland (Winslow), New Orleans (McAllister), Baltimore (Heap), Washington (Brunell), Carolina (Davis and Smith) and Pittsburgh (Maddox). And these teams aren't the only ones with major problems. The Chiefs seem to have just realized that adding NO ONE to their putrid defense in the offseason was probably a bad idea. The Rams seem to have just realized that they're going to seriously miss Grant Wistrom. The Bills seem to have just realized that Drew Bledsoe's skills have deteriorated to that of a 14-year old mentally handicapped Vietnamese girl who's missing a leg and suffers from blurred vision brought on by malnourishment. And the Cowboys seem to have just realized that Vinny Testaverde is, well, Vinny Testaverde.

Meanwhile, the Lions, Jags, Jets, Bears and Seahawks all have optimism rushing through their veins. Their all swelled up like Barry Bonds after a ten minute sucking spree on a fire hose full of HGH. But these teams all have questions to answer, too. For example, can Harrington keep it together without Charles Rogers? Can the Jags keep winning without scoring more than 13 points a game? Can Pennington and Martin stay healthy for a full season? Can the Bears win with Grossman at quarterback? Can the Seahawks win if Shawn Alexander is injured worse than we think? Again, like I said, I have no fucking clue. I feel like Ducky in Pretty in Pink right after he realized Molly Ringwald was getting ready to go out on a date with Andrew McCarthy. I was all dancing around & lip-synchin' to James Brown, hair slicked up like Fonzie, just happy as a clueless teen when the NFL season kicked off. Just giddy with excitement and content with the world. Then, quickly and abruptly (those two words mean different things, right?), my mood has changed & I'm sulking in the back room of the record store trying to explain why this shouldn't be happening. The Giants should not have beaten the Redskins. The Browns had no business taking out the Ravens. The Jags couldn't have beaten the Broncos. And how in the hell could the Bears have crossed the tracks and stolen one from the Packers? They had no right! They're from the other side of the tracks. It's wrong! They're just gonna break your heart. And when they do, the ol' Duck Man's not going to be around to pick up the pieces this time! Honestly, it's all enough to make me want to punch James Spader in the mouth, then jump up and rip down a senior prom banner.

And while I'm on the topic, I don't know who I hated more- Jon Cryer as Ducky or Andrew McCarthy as, well, every character he ever played. As a matter of fact, didn't he always just play himself? I mean, was there any difference between his character in Pretty in Pink and the ones he played in St. Elmo's Fire, Mannequin, or Weekend at Bernie's? My God, what would happen if he co-starred with Keanu Reeves?
I think I have pre-ramble for next week's Matchups.
Now let's get on with Week 3!...........

Browns at Giants-
First, we heard that Jeff Garcia might be gay. Now I read that he not only has a girlfriend, but that his girlfriend is the current Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare! Great, just what I needed, more confusion. On the bright side however, Carmella did agree to be this week's Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week! (See above link)

Chargers at Broncos-
I know I joke about it a lot but I've got a new question on the same topic: Do Mike Shannahan and Martin Sheen share the same dentures? I mean, does one of them get 'em in the morning, say, until 2pm or so, and then hand 'em off to the other one? Do they soak them in-between? And what does the one who doesn't have them do? Stay in and eat noodles? I need to know.

Texans at Chiefs-
KC defensive end Eric Hicks went off on a female reporter Sunday. Apparently she had the nerve, after they'd just given up 62 points in their first two games, to ask him if the front office should have gotten them more defensive help in the offseason. While ranting, Hicks told her that her question was a slap in the face to him and his fellow KC defenders. He later apologized and said he should have never been that rude to someone who once gave him a world-class blowjob. That female reporter, of course,.......Mama Squintz.

Packers at Colts-
There is no question that Brett Favre is a modern-day iron man. But just in the off-off chance that he were to go down, Packer fans can rest assured that Tim Couch will not come off of the bench to fuck up their season. You see, the Packers cut Timmay! and now, ironically enough, it seems that the Colts are interested in his services. They're apparently interested because of his experience and also because he's a close personal friend of Peyton Manning. Can you imagine the conversations between these two O-kee-dokes? I'm thinking it sounds a lot like Forrest Gump talking to Cowboy from Big Brother 5.

Jaguars at Titans-
Two weeks ago in Vegas, the odds on the Jags starting 3-0 were someting like 2.2 billion-to-one, which was only slightly better than the odds of Pat Summerall being able to pronounce "Houshmanzadeh" on his first try.

Cardinals at Falcons-
Two weeks ago in Vegas, the odds on the Cards starting the season 0-3 was something like 1-1, which was only slightly better than the odds that the sun would indeed come out again the next morning.

Steelers at Dolphins-
Guess Tommy Maddox' negotiations with the Devil on a new contract hit a snag, huh?

Ravens at Bengals-
Think there's any Deion Sanders memorabilia in the new Reds Hall of Fame Museum? I bet there is. There's probably a large collection right in-between Rolando Roome's glove and Gary Redus' cleats in the Kalvosky Daniels Wing.

Bears at Vikings-
So let me get this straight; in Week 1, the Bears lost to the Lions in Chicago. That was Detroit's first road win in like 55 years. Then last week, the Bears beat the Packers in Green Bay, the first time that had happened in like 75 years. Wow, that's some impressive streak-busting. But not nearly as impressive as the fact that Vikings kicker Morten Anderson remembers the beginning of both of those streaks like it was just yesterday. Time really flies when you're a big-legged octogenarian from Denmark.

Eagles at Lions-
This is a Statement Game. If the Eagles beat this confident young team on the road & improve to 3-0, they will send the statement that they are the team to beat in the NFC. If the Lions can knock off the Eagles and improve themselves to a surprising 3-0, they will make the statement that they are officially a playoff contender for 2004.
Wow, got kinda serious for a minute there, didn't I. Sorry.

Saints at Rams-
When Jim Haslett learned that the Saints would be without Deuce for a few weeks, do you think he dropped a deuce in his pants?
I think it's safe to say that with one more Saints loss we can officially kick off the marketing campaign to announce the Jim Haslett Farewell Tour.


Bucs at Raiders-
Poor Jerry Rice, right?
Wrong.
Fuck Jerry Rice. Cryin' and carryin' on like a little baby. Grow up. Move on. I can't stand people who can't just accept dissapointment and move on.........

Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Hell!!!


(Monday Night) Cowboys at Redskins-
Is it just me or is the Tuna on the road back to obesity? It looks like he's not only in the car and on the road, but he's got the hammer down and a glove box full of Rallyburgers & Ring-Dings as Healthytown gets smaller and smaller in his rear view mirror.


And don't forget the college games...

Iowa at Michigan-
Ahh Iowa. I miss Hayden Fry with his dark prescription sunglasses and the ANF stickers he slapped on the Hawkeyes helmets.
America Needs Farmers.
How true. I mean, without farmers who would grow the food to feed the world? Plus, without farmers, where would we get all those beautiful big-boobed milk-fed farmer's daughters?

USC at Stanford-
This is an interesting matchup. Stanford's mascot is a tree and USC's is a Trojan, right? So then, this is how I see it: trees are where wood comes from, while Trojans are what wood cums in.
I'd rather be the tree.
Also, do you think the USC scoreboard operator plays the "TROJAN MAAAAN!" soundbyte whenever one of their players makes a good play? If not, he really should.