Terriers, 70s Butterfaces, a Big-Handed Haitian, Popeye, Sal Alosi, an Ode to MFB, a Leper Colony Beauty Pageant, and an Uncooperative Twix Bar

So I found out today that Terriers was cancelled. You’re probably thinking, “What’s Terriers?” Exactly. And that’s why it was cancelled. And it’s ridiculous. FX is ridiculous for not marketing it better and putting it on the same time as Monday Night Football, the show runner is ridiculous for not promoting it better, and everyone who watched Castle, Chase or Pawn Stars at 10pm on Mondays instead of Terriers is ridiculous and honestly should have their televisions taken away from them for being tasteless, brain dead mouth-breathers. I’m not one of those people who get upset when something I like doesn’t get a lot of viewers, listeners, subscribers, etc. But I do get upset when something I like doesn’t get enough viewers, listeners, subscribers, etc, gets cancelled and now it’s not around anymore. And to make it worse, it was cut loose by FX who, along with AMC, had been instrumental in bringing back expertly written, expertly acted dramas with strong character development and sticking with them as they got their footing (The Shield, Rescue Me, Sons of Anarchy, Mad Men, Breaking Bad). Now FX cuts bait with Terriers and AMC is pushing The Walking Dead, a show about zombies which is so poorly written that I believe it may be penned by a handful of zombies who failed junior college creative writing courses. Here’s hoping that FX and AMC re-establish themselves at the standard-bearers for quality dramas and that their upcoming offerings (Lights Out, The Killing, Justified) live up to the traditions and are given a chance to simmer long enough in the stew which is our current American zeitgeist that enough people can be called to the table to have a taste. Terriers wasn’t given that courtesy and now goes into the pantheon of best television shows cancelled after just one season, joining the likes of Freaks & Geeks (1999), Wonderfalls (2004) and Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2007). And for those of you in the know, I say Britt told Hank to go straight through the light and take him to jail. For those of you not in the know, here’s a taste of what you missed and what will likely be out soon on DVD….






Now Bring on the Matchups!




Thursday Night


Niners at Chargers-

San Diego has won five of its last six on yet another late-season dash to a division title. These Chargers late-season runs are becoming both as predictable and as ferocious as my late night runs to White Castle back in the 1991-1996 seasons. Hopefully for them it doesn’t end one night with their ’88 Celica stuck on an embankment as the result of a one-car accident and then subsequently finding themselves fleeing the scene in a disheveled tuxedo jumping backyard fences on the way to hide out at their buddy Joe’s house.


Pick: Chargers, 27-13





Sunday

Bills at Dolphins-

The Dolphins are 7-6 overall but just 1-5 at home this season. I’m blaming it on these two…




Pick: Dolphins, 21-16





Lions at Buccaneers-

The Lions got some level of revenge last week by knocking off the Packers and knocking out Aaron Rodgers. This week, they get to leave cold, crappy, dirty Detroit and relax down in Tampa. This is one of those what I like to call Taxi Cab in the Rain games. It’s pouring rain, you hail a cab and as it pulls to the curb you notice that a guy holding a little kid, a full grocery bag and no umbrella was also waiving it down. He obviously needs it more than you so you let him have the cab. What? What does that have to do with the game? Well, in this story, you are the Lions and… What? No, the cab is not the Buccaneers, the other guy is the… No, the other guy’s kid is not the cab driver. The cab driver is nothing, he… What? No, listen you are the Lions, the other guy is the… No, the grocery bag is not the Buccaneers. You’re missing the point. You see, the cab represents the… What? Fight Club? No, the other guy is not a figment of your imagination like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Just forget it.


Pick: Buccaneers, 23-17





Saints at Ravens-

Matt Shaub may have thrown the game away in OT on Monday Night but along the way he and the Texans revealed how to beat the Ravens defense. The Texans went no-huddle for the majority of their last five drives in regulation, scored five times and tied the game. Baltimore’s aging defense was gasping as they were standing around with their hands on their hips like Charo getting ready to do the Hoochie Koochie. She was one heckuva butter face, right? Of all the hot, talented Latina women in the world, the most famous one in America in the 70’s was one with red hair and a butter face? Come to think of it, aside from Wonder Woman and Charlie’s Angels (including Cheryl Ladd but not including Kate Jackson) there were a lot of famous untalented butterfaces in the 70’s. Partial to Latinas? Here’s Charo… butterface. You prefer blondes? Here’s Suzanne Somers… butterface. You like country girls in cutoff shorts? Take a look at Katherine Bach… butterface. You say you’re more into big breasted women? Feast your eyes on Adrienne Barbeau… butterface. You like a woman with a spectacular afro? Soak in the delights of Geraldine… butterface. You say that tall, raven-haired gypsys are more your cup of tea? Try Cher on for size… butterface, butterboobs, butterbutt. What in the name of God was going on back then? Where was I anyway? Oh yeah, the Ravens are getting old and the Saints will likely wear them out.




Pick: Saints, 31-20






Cardinals at Panthers-

John Skelton and the Cardinals battle Jimmy Claussen and the Panthers, this Sunday on FOX!


Pick: Panthers, 14-10







Jaguars at Colts-

Peyton Manning and the Colts could be 60 minutes away from being kept out of the postseason for the first time since 1999. If they’re going to stay alive, their 29th-ranked rush defense is going to have to figure out a way to stop Maurice Jones Drew. Watching him run reminds me of Popeye after he’d eat his can of spinach and then roll himself up into a ball and knock down Brutus and his goons like they were bowling pins. Well, except that MJD isn't a squinty-eyed white guy, doesn’t wear a sailor suit and doesn't smoke a pipe. Otherwise, exactly the same.


Not Maurice Jones Drew


Pick: Jaguars, 28-27






Eagles at Giants-

Philly has the league’s #1 offense. The Giants have the league’s #2 defense, have won three straight and are looking to get revenge for last month’s loss to the Eagles in Philly. They’re also looking for a cure to Eli Manning’s recently acquired medical condition which causes him, among other things, to throw the ball to players on the other team. I’m no doctor but they may want to try an ointment primarily consisting of aloe, honey and virgin olive oil applied by a non-virgin Haitian man with large yet gentle hands. It seemed to work for my buddy Johnny B’s jock itch a while back. It definitely couldn’t hurt to try it. Okay, well maybe it could cause some psychological damage but they have to try something. You know, come to think of it, Johnny’s not scratching anymore but it may be because he just sits around in a daze and rocking himself back and forth. So maybe try it without the Haitian dude. Or at least one with smaller hands.


Pick: Eagles, 24-20






Browns at Bengals-

Rather pointless, isn’t it? I’m not going to waste my time or yours other than to say I hope T.O. spends his final three weeks here completely trashing and exposing the ineptitude of the front office and the offensive coaches. Here’s a funny yet sad yet therapeutic yet depressing video courtesy of Ryan Parker. Enjoy…




Pick: Bengals, 21-20





Chiefs at Rams-

As I type this, KC quarterback Matt Cassel is still listed as questionable for this one. Also listed as questionable is the attorney in our office building with the big, bushy, grey handlebar mustache. The other day I caught him having a rather aggressive one-sided conversation with an uncooperative Twix bar in the fourth floor vending machine. I’m not usually one to butt into another man’s business but in this case I felt compelled to remind him, “Hey man, no means no. Just walk away.” What does this have to do with the Chiefs and Rams? Absolutely nothing. But this does… Jamaal Charles is awesome!


Pick: Chiefs, 23-21






Texans at Titans-

While we’re on the topic of guys with fantastic mustaches, apparently Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat in Tennessee. Titans owner Bud Adams commented on the record this week that as a result of his team’s disappointing 5-8 record, he would evaluate Fisher’s status at the end of the season. Speaking for all NFL teams with upcoming head coaching vacancies, I’d also like to go on the record and say that I think Bud Adams should not only evaluate Jeff Fisher’s status but he should just go ahead and fire him immediately.




Pick: Texans, 21-17






Redskins at Cowboys-

The first thing you notice when you watch the Redskins defense is their talent. They have none. Okay, maybe Brian Orakpo but I’m starting to think that his name makes him sound better than he really is. And you know, if I were him, I’d put a “W” on the end of it. Orakpow. Orak-POW! Or maybe if/when he gets a sack he could start saying that the quarterback has been Orakpwned. Get it, Orak-PWNED. See what I did there? Maybe also throw a sweet roundhouse kick in as part of his sack dance. Something like that could make him famous enough that Tashard Choice might ask for his autograph after the game or something.




Pick: Cowboys, 31-21







Falcons at Seahawks-

The Falcons have won seven straight and own the best record in the NFL at 11-2. Why? Because they’re friggin’ good. It also doesn’t hurt that they lead the league in fewest penalties (49), fewest fumbles (6) and their quarterback has a touchdown-to-interception ratio of +14.
The Seahawks are tied for first place in the NFC West. Why? Because the NFC West is friggin’ horrible. Seattle has the NFL’s 31st-ranked rushing offense, the 30th-ranked rushing defense, the 31st-ranked overall defense and have allowed 40+ points in two of their last three games. I’m almost out of metaphors, similes and hyperboles to describe how awful the NFC West is this season. Almost. Crowning a winner of the NFC West this season will be kinda like holding a beauty pageant at a leper colony and slapping a tiara on the head of the girl with the fewest amount of missing body parts.


Pick: Falcons, 31-20






Jets at Steelers-

J! – E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!!
Another Sunday like the last two and you may want to copy a picture of the Jets offense, write MISSING at the top and post it on some telephone poles in Jersey. And if you do, be careful not to get tripped by the Jets strength coach. Did you see what that clown did during last week’s game? In case you haven’t, check it out...



What a scumbag. Okay, scumbag may be a bit harsh. How about skeezbag? Dirtbag? No, I just watched it again, I’m going back to scumbag. For his little wandering knee routine, Sal Alosi (that’s his name) was suspended for the remainder of the season and fined $25,000. Due to the amount of the fine and because his name is Sal Alosi, I’m guessing that this means next month’s lease payment on his Camaro may be in jeopardy. It also means that he’s not likely to get those Ed Hardy tiger head seat covers and that case of Aqua di Gio cologne out of layaway in time for Christmas.




Pick: Steelers, 16-9






Broncos at Raiders-

It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!










Pick: Raiders, 26-21






Packers at Patriots-

Tom Brady has won 25 home games in a row as quarterback of the Patriots. That’s ridiculous. He’s ridiculous. How does a sixth round pick who looked like this at the 2000 NFL Combine evolve into one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL?



I wouldn’t have picked that dude to be on my team for Tug of War against some fifth graders.


Pick: Patriots, 26-13






Monday Night

Bears at Vikings-

If you had “Brett Favre’s Consecutive Starts Streak Will End on a Home Game in Detroit” in the pool, step right up and collect your eleventy kajillion dollars. This week’s home game will be played at the University of Minnesota while construction crews continue to try to repair the Metrodome roof and doctors try to repair Favre’s sternoclavicular joint. Do you think they offer engineering as a major at the University of Minnesota? If so, do you think they teach their students that in a region where it’s commonplace to get multiple feet of snow during a single winter storm it might not be a good idea to construct an enormous domed building equipped with an inflatable roof that’s incapable of withstanding a couple feet of snow without collapsing? Who in the hell did they hire to design that piece of crap, the company that makes those kids jumpy castles?




Pick: Bears, 26-16

John Lennon is Dead, the Sternoclavicular Joint, ROFLsberger's Nose, Seagal, MacGyver, More Karma, Laughing Cardinals, and Dandy Don's Dead, Too

So I heard yesterday that John Lennon is dead. Where in the heck have I been? Shot in the back. Wow. I should probably send a card or flowers or something. Man, Leslie Nielsen died last week, then Dandy Don passes away and now I find out about John Lennon. There’s barely enough Maker’s 46 in the house to get me through this past week. Thank God I had an extra bottle lying around as my father-in-law’s Christmas gift. Looks like he’s getting another socket wrench this year instead. Well, if there’s any bright side it’s that Yoko Ono’s now single. And which Beatle do you think will be next? They’re not getting any younger, you know. Will it be Paul, George, Ringo…? My guess is George. No, Ringo. Well, I had this big long intro this week revisiting my Comfort Food Theory as it relates to football but now I’ve kinda lost my appetite to discuss it. It seems so trivial in the grand scheme of things. Of course it’s not, but it seems that way right now. That feeling will pass in a couple of hours but by then it’ll be late and I won’t feel like writing because I’ll be too tired. Enough ridiculousness. For what it’s worth, here’s one of the beautifully flawless and, especially on this day of remembrance, appropriate verses that Lennon gave to us…


There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all



Bring on the matchups!




Thursday Night


Colts at Titans-

There are a lot of people out there ready to put the Colts season in the ground and throw dirt on it. So they’ve lost three in a row, Peyton Manning’s thrown eleven interceptions during that streak, they have eight players on Injured Reserve and another fourteen who are either listed as Out, Doubtful or Questionable for this week. Big deal. Okay, that’s not good. Hell, if it gets much worse they may have to have some guys play both ways. But despite this bad 3-game stretch, they still have the #1 pass offense in the NFL and the league’s #4 pass defense, AND their last four games are against the Titans, Jags (at Indy), Raiders, and Titans again. So c’mon, who are we kidding- the Colts NOT in the playoffs? That’d be like having a network television talent competition without a surly British guy on the judge’s panel. Trust me, there’s no way this guy’s going to let that happen. I think.




I am the eggman
They are the eggmen
I am the walrus, Goo goo g' joob


Pick: Colts, 31-17





Sunday


Browns at Bills-

Here we have two fairly crappy teams who are still fighting. It’s like watching a couple of moths struggling to get out of a spider web. It’s great that they haven’t given up and who knows, they might even be able to break free. But even if they do, they’re still just an ugly brown moth and not a butterfly. Butterflies are pretty.



Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun
If the sun don't shine you get a tan from standing in the English rain


Pick: Bills, 20-17






Giants at Vikings-

Everyone’s favorite Wrangler-wearin’ sext messager got knocked out of last week’s game with a damaged sternoclavicular joint. I’m not quite sure what that is but it’s probably located somewhere near your sternoclavicular which I believe is the love child of your sternum and your clavicle. The bad news is that it may affect his ability to grab items off of high shelves, hang a star on the Christmas tree, play clothed (or naked) Twister, and most importantly, to throw a football. The good news is that doctors say it shouldn’t affect the fit of his Wranglers or his ability to send pics of what’s inside his Wranglers.



Isn't it good Norwegian wood?


Pick: Giants, 24-16






Bengals at Steelers-

As the result of Karma (played last Sunday by the Ravens Haloti Ngata) busting up his face, ROFLsberger had to undergo surgery this week to repair his badly broken nose. You know, the only thing that could give me greater pleasure than seeing ROFLsberger getting his nose broken (aside from a coupon for free Chipotle burritos for life) would be seeing ROFLsberger getting his nose broken again. According to the fine handed down to Ngata yesterday, the penalty for such a thing appears to be in the $50,000 range. As of 3pm yesterday, I’ve begun a collection and started it off with $50 of my own money. Once all funds are collected, the People Who Enjoy Seeing (alleged) Rapists Faces Being Pounded Society will cut a check to the Bengals player who succeeds in accomplishing this mission. And yes, I’m looking at you, Rey Maualuga.



Instant Karma's gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head


Pick: Steelers, 19-13






Buccaneers at Redskins-

The Redskins are indisputably terrible but don’t blame it all on Donnie Mac. As a matter of fact, the Skins pass offense is ranked a surprisingly high #9 in the league. If we’re looking for someone to blame (and we always are), blame it on Fat Albert. Haynesworth is the highest paid defensive player in the history of the league and yet he can’t get on the field consistently because he’s either been sick, insubordinate, out of shape, or all of the above. And when he is on the field, it hasn’t been pretty. The Skins defense is ranked #32 in the league (that’s out of a possible 32) and they’ve only had-- What’s that? The Redskins just suspended Haynesworth for the rest of the season? Good move by Shannahan and his oversized dentures. It had to happen, right? The last time I remember a group being this messed up internally by a grossly overpaid and grossly overweight team member was when Rosie O’Donnell was on The View. Yeah, I know, The View is horrible television and getting rid of Rosie only took it up from “train wreck” to “dumpster fire” and the Skins defense is likely only to see the same marginal improvement but at least it should relieve some of the tension over there. You know what else relieves tension? This picture of Elizabeth Hasselbeck.




And woman, hold me close to your heart
However distant, don't keep us apart
After all, it is written in the stars


Pick: Buccaneers, 28-20






Falcons at Panthers-

If there was ever a prototypical Letdown Game, this would be it. The Falcons are coming off of a tough, emotional showdown victory in Tampa Bay, they now own the best record (10-2) in the NFL, and they’re on the second leg of a three-game road trip, so to speak. It’s classic letdown material. So classic that I’m actually going out on a limb here and picking the Panthers…. to only lose by thirteen points. What, you thought I was going to take Carolina? Have you been drinking out of that brown jug with the XXX label on it again? At least wait ‘til after lunch from now on. And share some with John Fox, would ya? He could use a little.




Temperature's rising
Fever is high
Can't see no future
Can't see no sky


Pick: Falcons, 26-13







Packers at Lions-

The Pack is rolling and come into Detroit with the league’s #9-ranked pass offense. Hey, but you know what? Chicken butt. That’s right, I went there. Plus, the Lions have the league’s #8-ranked pass offense, which is one spot better than #9. Go ahead, you can double-check it. These are the very same Lions who have gone most of the year with their #2 and/or #3 quarterbacks running the show. The difference between these two teams has been defense. Green Bay is leading the league in lowest points allowed per game (15.2) while Detroit is allowing a little over 25 points per game. But, the Lions have played all of their division opponents tough this year and they appear to be out for a little vengeance. Kinda like Steven Seagal as Detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Or like Steven Seagal as Mason Storm in Hard to Kill. Or like Steven Seagal as Nico Toscani in Above the Law. Or like Steven Seagal as John Hatcher in Marked for Death. And not only are they out for vengeance but they also have two freaks (Ndamukong Suh and Calvin Johnson) who just keep getting freakier each week. They have to get vengeance sooner or later.




He got hair down to his knee
Got to be a joker he just do what he please


Pick: Lions, 21-20






Raiders at Jaguars-

At the beginning of the season, this matchup looked like a good candidate for the Don Criqui Game of the Week. But now here we are (…face to face, a couple of silver spoons…) in Week 14 with the Jaguars trying to stay in first place in the AFC South and the Raiders just two games back in the AFC West. It’s also a ground battle between the league’s #2 rushing offense (Jags) against the #3 rushing offense (Raiders). Neither team throws the ball very well and both defenses are average. It looks like a pretty even matchup until you factor in one problem for the Raiders- they have to travel all the way from the armpit of California to the armpit of Florida and start the game at 10am Pacific time. Not good times. Heck, by the time most of their fans have awakened from their normal Saturday night vodka-meth coma or finished their morning prison labor, the Silver & Black could already be down by a couple of scores.



All you need is love


Pick: Jaguars, 24-20






Seahawks at Niners-

Alex Smith is back and starting this Sunday at quarterback for the Niners. That’s news that, if it hasn’t already, should swing the betting line about three more points into the Seahawks favor. But if the Seahawks (6-6) lose this one, and they have the Falcons and Bucs the next two weeks, they could go into a Week 17 showdown with the Rams with a record of 6-9…. AND STILL HAVE A SHOT AT THE PLAYOFFS! The Rams are also 6-6, are playing at New Orleans (see below) and have games remaining against the Chiefs and the Niners before that “showdown”. It’s very possible that we could have our first team with a losing record to not only make the playoffs but get to host a playoff game. I don’t think it’ll happen but make no mistake; I’m rooting for it to happen. And not only am I rooting for that to happen, I’m praying to gods I don’t even believe in to make it so. And if it does happen, part of the new collective bargaining agreement should be to take away the NFC West’s playoff eligibility. You put that division in the NCAA and it wouldn’t be granted BCS status.

(This game doesn’t deserve a picture or a lyric)


Pick: Seahawks, 17-16






Rams at Saints-

The Horns vs the Halos. Bradford vs Brees. Saint Louie vs all the rest of the Saints, I guess.

Hey, if you haven’t been following the Rams, and honestly why would you be, you might not know that Sam Bradford is having one heckuva rookie season- 61% completion rate, 2,653 yards passing, 17 touchdown passes, and a QB rating of 81.0 Not bad. Unfortunately, this week he’s squaring off against Drew Brees who has a 69% completion rate, 3,634 yards passing, 25 TD passes, a QB rating of 94.6, is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, was just named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year, was instrumental in helping the city of New Orleans recover from Hurricane Katrina, is a close personal friend of Harry Connick, Jr., and has Karma in a very good mood and sitting in his lap wearing a string bikini feeding him strawberries dipped in fresh cream.




Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about


Pick: Saints, 28-17






Patriots at Bears-

I’ve come to the conclusion that Bill Belichick was either abducted by aliens and instilled with some supernatural knowledge or he’s working under a multi-year contract with the devil. Whichever it is, he’s indisputably the MacGyver of the NFL. Hey Bill, all we have here is Tom Brady, Randy Moss, a less than 100% Wes Welker, one of the worst defenses in the league, two rookie tight ends and some dude named Danny Woodhead. No problem, give it here. Twelve weeks later, he’s turned it into a 9-3 football team coming off of a merciless beat down of the Jets on Monday night. And he did it without even using Moss, instead selling him off for parts to use in a future episode. By the way, my editor ( I don’t have an editor) says that no one under the age of 40 will get the MacGyver reference, to which I say, everyone under 40 knows how to use Wikipedia, they can look it up.

Belichick is amazing. Strong jaw, steel blue eyes, strong hands…. And um, one of the best coaches of all time. I don’t know how far his supernatural knowledge extends (the secret to building the Great Pyramids, teleportation, cold fusion technology, the cure for cancer…) or the exact terms of his deal with the devil but I’m completely ready and willing to turn this mess with the economy over to him. While we’re at it, why not give him a crack at healthcare reform, social security funding, North Korea, Afghanistan, finding Bin Laden, and the whole immigration issue.




Hey, Bungalow Bill
What did you kill
Bungalow Bill?


Pick: Patriots, 27-20






Broncos at Cardinals-

Josh McDaniels got McCanned on Monday by the Broncos. Who called it? That’s right, I called it. I believe last week my joke was, What do Josh McDaniels and the McRib have in common? They’re both available for a limited time. I am funny AND smart. You know who else is funny? Apparently Deuce Lutui. He’s funny enough to make Derek Anderson laugh even though they were getting pasted in front of the whole country on Monday Night Football. My sources tell me it was the ol’ Death by Hoola Boola joke. But apparently Jimmy Kimmel has even better sources. Damn you, Jimmy Kimmel.





And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh


Pick: Broncos, 24-17





Chiefs at Chargers-

I’ve spent more than my fair share of time banging on Norv Turner for having underachieving teams who tank in the playoffs, being bad at game management, and bearing a striking resemblance to Principal Skinner from The Simpsons. But there’s no denying that under Norv the Chargers rarely lose late season division games, or actually any late regular season games to anyone (except of course the Raiders last Sunday). The Chiefs, even though they were my AFC “sleeper” team this season, might not be ready for a game this big on the road just yet. Plus, their coach, with his oversized hoodie and silky sweatpants reminds me of some forty year-old guy you’d see working at the YMCA and asking all the sixteen year-old kids where the parties are going to be this weekend. In other words, like my pal Squintz and kinda creepy.




Hey you've got to hide your love away


Pick: Chargers, 31-16






Dolphins at Jets-

J! – E! – T! – S! SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!

Just kidding. Kinda. Monday night was brutal for the Jets. That was an Ike to Tina kinda whoopin’. I don’t know how they come back from that, much less fix all of the things that were exposed in just six days. But despite the beating, they do still have a solid if not very good defense against anyone not named Tom Brady. But here’s something you may not know; the Jets defense is ranked #8 in the NFL and the Dolphins defense, it’s ranked #4.




Won't you please, please help me


Pick: Dolphins, 20-13






Eagles at Cowboys-

Lots of great storylines here. There’s the continued resurgence of Mike Vick, the Cowboys turnaround under new head coach Jason Garrett, the steady leadership of Jon Kitna, the season-ending injury to Dez Bryant… All stories worthy of attention. But in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re running out of time here and there’s one thing I almost forgot. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!












Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes


Pick: Eagles, 26-19





Monday Night


Ravens at Texans-

I can’t talk about the Monday Night game without mentioning the passing of Don Meredith. The Cosell-Gifford-Meredith trio was the best sporting event broadcasting crew ever put together. Ever. Period. End of story. As a tribute to Dandy Don this week, the lackluster Tirico-Gruden-Jaworski would be wise to give us a few bars of “Turn out the lights, the party’s over…”
Here’s a tribute after the pick…

Pick: Texans, 27-20

Fitzy's Beard, A McRib Joke, Warding-Off Things, Prince, Principal Skinner, Seal Doing Pacino, Dermot Mulroney, Color Me Badd, and a Conspiracy

So, Andre Johnson tears off Cortland Finnegan’s helmet, throws a couple of haymakers at him and the Commish fines him just $25,000 and there’s no suspension? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad Johnson tried to beat him into the ground like a tent stake. Finnegan’s a dirty punk who started it and was baiting Johnson the whole game. Plus, his name is Cortland Finnegan, so that should be good for at least one mandatory beating per season. But at a time when defensive backs trying to make a play are getting fined and suspended for helmet to helmet contact while in the fast and frenzied chaos of a play, we have two guys who rip off each other’s helmets, start swinging at each other’s heads and neither gets an involuntary vacation? The statement issued by the NFL states that suspending Johnson would put the Texans at a “competitive disadvantage” for their game this Thursday Night against the Eagles. Uh, no kidding. And since when did the relative importance of a player to his team have any bearing on whether he gets suspended for actions which warrant a suspension? Did the Commish take that into consideration when he suspended the late Chris Henry? How about when he suspended Ben Roethlisberger? How about Brian Cushing? Vincent Jackson? Santonio Holmes? Antwan Odom? Johnny Jolly? No, he didn’t. But there’s one rather large difference between all of those players and Andre Johnson. The difference, as noted by many others in many other places already, is that those players didn’t have a game coming up the following Thursday Night on the NFL Network. You know, the network owned by the NFL? Thus the name, NFL Network. I don’t think we need Jessie Ventura’s Conspiracy Theory team to do any legwork on this one, do we?

It’s fair to note that the Raiders Richard Seymour was also fined $25,000 and not suspended for his one-punch fight and knockdown of ROFLsberger the week before. Seymour’s actions (as awesome as they were) also should have been met with a suspension. Suspending players for hitting another player in the head while his helmet is on but not suspending players for tearing off another player’s helmet and then proceeding to hit him in the head is preposterous. It’s like if cops started taking people to jail for non-alcohol related traffic accidents but decided to simply write tickets to anyone who decided to start pulling people out of their cars and beating them in the middle of the street.

Now I’m sure that the league’s PR people will find a new way to spin this by the time the Texans and Eagles kickoff on Thursday night but the damage has already been done. Both Roger Goodell and as a byproduct, the league itself, have lost some credibility over this matter. This is the type of blatant disparate greed-based treatment you’d normally only find in a Central American courtroom or a WWE storyline involving Vince McMahon. It’s a bad move by the NFL but there is a potentially very luminous bright side to all of this. If you’re an NFL player this week with an axe to grind and you’ve got $25,000 to spare, you can feel free, without fear of suspension, to rip another guy’s helmet off and start a round of rock’em sock’em right there on the field. Here’s hoping some players take the opportunity and the NFL turns into the NHL or maybe even the WWE for a weekend. And if you’re on a team playing in the NFL Network’s Thursday night game next week, you’re probably even safe if you want to come off the sidelines with a folding chair. Who’s playing next Thursday night anyway? The Colts and the Titans? Seriously? I’m looking at you, Cortland Finnegan.



Bring on the matchups!



Thursday Night

Texans at Eagles-

Philly’s secondary was exposed a bit last Sunday in Chicago but they’ve got a long way to go to be as bad as Houston’s . Their DBs have been exposed as easily shreddable since Week 1. You know what else is exposed? Me. Right now. I’m sitting at Panera Bread typing away and wearing just a bathrobe and my steel toed boots. I sometimes open the robe a little to let in a cool draft. They like me here.

Pick: Eagles, 30-20



Sunday

Bills at Vikings-

I was going to mention that Bills head coach Chan Gailey is the most famous man (if not the only one) in America named Chan. I was. But last week I mentioned right here in this space that Vikings interim head coach Leslie Frazier was now the second most famous man named Leslie, right behind Leslie Nielsen and then Leslie Nielsen died on Sunday. Since I don’t necessarily want Chan Gailey dead nor do I wish to tempt mysterious powers at work, I’ll instead talk about how spunky his team has been. Since their bye week , they’re 2-4 with the four losses being an overtime loss to the Steelers last week that slipped through Stevie Johnson’s fingers, an overtime loss to the Ravens, and losses to the Bears and Chiefs by just three points each. They’re spunky, spunky I tell you. The team is spunky and Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard is funky. It doesn’t mean they’re good, just spunky and funky enough to keep it close.



Pick: Vikings, 26-24





Browns at Dolphins-

We’re getting reports of a lot of moist thongs up in the Cleve-….I almost forgot, we’re talking about Cleveland, let’s start again…. We’re getting reports of a lot of moist thermal underwear and granny panties up in the Cleveland area over this Peyton Hillis kid. I can’t say I’m surprised. He’s a good-looking kid, good personality, built like a tank and running the ball like the 2000’s version of Larry Csonka. I’m guessing he’s soaking up all the adulation that was floating around searching for a benefactor after King James left town. Speaking of LeBron, I wonder if he’ll be in the stands for this one? Ten bucks says he is in the stands but he’s not wearing this….




Pick: Browns, 17-16





Jaguars at Titans-

So it looks as if the Rusty Smith Era in Tennessee is, um….over.
His legacy as a starting NFL quarterback, as it stands, is 0-1 with zero touchdowns, three interceptions, 138 yards passing and a QB rating of 26.7. Most pro quarterbacks could do better drunk and on one good leg. Just ask Joe Namath. In any case, it’s probably all for the best if for no other reason than the fact that Rusty is just a horrible name for a quarterback. If you want your son to grow up to be a successful NFL quarterback, do him and yourself a favor and do not name him Rusty. As a matter of fact, as a public service to all of you Dads out there, here’s a complete list of names you might want to stay away from when naming your sons…

Rusty
Shaky
Twitchy
Timorous (look it up)
Jumpy
Jittery
Nellie
Noodles
Daffy
Daisy
Sally
Befuddled
Boy George
Maladroit
Estupido
and Jamarcus

And if you’re a young man who has one of these names and aspire to be a successful NFL quarterback someday, may I suggest that you start going by your middle name, use your initials, change your first name altogether, or maybe even take a cue from Prince and switch your name to a symbol. If you like the symbol idea, be careful, because just like there are names to avoid, there are symbols you may want to make sure to stay away from as well. Here are some examples of those…












Pick: Jaguars, 20-10





Saints at Bengals-

This week, Drew Brees was named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year for leading the Saints to their first ever Super Bowl championship and also for his work in helping to lead the city of New Orleans back from the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. In a related story, the Bengals stink like the stagnant sewage water that filled the streets of New Orleans shortly after the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina.

Oh, and before I forget, my wife sent me this video which I had completely forgotten about. What better way to pay tribute to Leslie Nielsen here this week than with this video. Unfortunately, it still sounds timely.




Pick: Saints, 31-17





Broncos at Chiefs-

Do you know what Josh McDaniels and the McRib have in common?
It looks like they’re both only going to be around for a limited time. zing!
McDaniels was ratted-out by a member of his staff last week for having knowledge of an unauthorized taping of a Niners practice the week both teams were in London and was subsequently fined $50,000 by the league. Apparently this did not sit well with owner Pat Bowlen who’s already got to be keenly aware that most Bronco fans want McDaniels gone yesterday. Bowlen issued a written statement a couple days ago and in it said, “…with five games left in the 2010 season, we will continue to monitor the progress of the team and evaluate what’s in the best interest of this franchise.” Not exactly a ringing endorsement. Plus, the better Jay Cutler plays in Chicago, the worse McDaniels looks. The better Brandon Marshall does in Miami, the worse McDaniels looks. The longer it takes Tim Tebow to throw passes in a meaningful game, the worse McDaniels looks. The better Bill Belichick does without him in New England, the worse McDaniels looks. There are also reports that McDaniels was recently spotted wearing white socks with dress sandals. If that turns out to be true, I’d bounce him before lunch.

Oh, and don’t forget that their game this Sunday is one that Chiefs head coach Todd Haley has had circled on his calendar in a ring of dried blood since minutes after their first matchup in Denver a few weeks ago. Haley accused McDaniels of running up the score on him and met him at midfield after the game with a pointed finger instead of a handshake. Me thinks that the suddenly recharged Chiefs offense could make turnabout fair play this weekend.







Pick: Chiefs, 44-20




Redskins at Giants-

It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time! (extra special video edition)












Pick: Giants, 28-13





Bears at Lions-

Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz must’ve had a come-to-Jesus talk with someone because after watching his five-lane turnstile of an offensive line nearly get jay Cutler killed in the first half of the season, he’s gone more to the running game and to using a heavier mix of quick, three-step drops in the passing game. The result has been more completions, more touchdowns, less interceptions, and Cutler’s no longer losing feeling in his extremities, nor has he been found crawling away from the Bears practice facility anymore and mouthing “Help me” to passing motorists.

Pick: Bears, 23-10





Niners at Packers-

I noticed a couple weeks ago that Niners head coach Mike Singletary wears a fairly large wooden cross around his neck while patrolling the sidelines.



He’s either making a grand statement for his faith or he’s warding off evil spirits, or both. Actually, for all I know he could also have cloves of garlic in his pocket and be protecting himself from vampires. I got that right, didn’t I? yeah, crosses and garlic ward off vampires, silver bullets are for werewolves, and foam cheese heads ward off attractive women.




Pick: Packers, 24-13





Raiders at Chargers-

Principal Skinner has the Electric Sperm Army performing like a well-oiled machine ready to roll over anyone or anything in its way throughout the rest of the season until they ultimately fall apart in the playoffs with a whimper, a few gurgles and then accentuated with a well-timed puff of black smoke.






Pick: Chargers, 34-17





Falcons at Buccaneers-

The 7-4 Bucs are now 7-0 against teams with losing records and 0-4 against teams with winning records. The Falcons are 9-2. But, as our favorite Oompa Loompa, Lee Corso, is fond of saying, “Not so fast my friend!” The Bucs gave the Ravens a good fight last week, they’re playing this one in Tampa, and it just feels like the Gods of NFL Parity are due to smack the Falcons in the ass. Plus, Raheem Morris’ tirade at the officials last Sunday was epic. It was like watching Seal do an impression of Al Pacino in Glengarry Glen Ross. After seeing that, there’s no way his team doesn’t go balls-out for him this Sunday.







Pick: Buccaneers, 24-21





Cowboys at Colts-

If the Colts season was an old Cowboys & Indians movie, Peyton Manning would be on his back, tied to the railroad tracks with a train steaming around the bend and all of his compadres lying injured in the weeds. Good thing for him it’s not a Cowboys & Indians movie. It’s really more of a romantic comedy. I’m expecting Dermot Mulroney to show up any minute now and propose to him.




Pick: Colts, 23-16





Rams at Cardinals-

Good Lord, the NFC West is simply a travesty. It’s a travesty wrapped in a mockery, covered in disgrace and jammed inside the anus of a shameful and inept platypus. Honestly, I haven’t seen a group of four members this untalented and unentertaining since Color Me Badd broke up in 2000.




Pick: Rams, 27-13





Panthers at Seahawks-

The John Fox Farewell Tour heads to Seattle!

Pick: Seahawks, 23-13





Steelers at Ravens-

Over/Under on the number of players who will have to get helped off the field in this game: 6

Over/Under on the number of players who I’d like to see have to get helped off the field in this game: 26

Over/Under on the number of quarterback sacks in this game: 9

Over/Under on the number of times I’d like to see ROFLsberger get sacked in this game: 49

Over/Under on the number of times my buddy Mike will yell out “(Blank) a bunch of Steelers” at the television while we’re watching this game: 14

Over/Under on the amount of Sam Adams that gets downed at my place during this one: 72 ounces more than I will be able to remember


Pick: Steelers, 24-20





Monday Night

Jets at Patriots-

The Jets built their defense to beat New England with Revis, Cromartie and Leonhard in the secondary. Shortly after they beat the Patriots in Week One, Bill Belichick dealt Randy Moss away for draft picks, mandating the reinvention of their offense on the fly, and now has the league’s #1-ranked offense mainly by throwing to their two young tight ends and to former Jet Danny Woodhead out of the backfield. He is an evil genius.

Pick: Patriots, 26-21