I Don't Care if this is a Charity Fundraiser, I Will Hit You With a Fucking Beach Ball

So I’m at this outdoor rock concert the other night and I did something pretty shameful. I hit a girl in the head. I feel really bad about it. Really bad. Well, I think I should feel bad about it. The truth is, I actually don't feel bad about it. Not at all. Not even a little. It’s not like I hit her with my fist or an open hand or a bat or a tire iron or something like that. I hit her with a beach ball. A green & white beach ball from about twelve feet away. And it wasn’t so much a rock concert as it was a fund raiser for the local athletic association held on a little league ball field headlined by a local band playing ‘80s music in front of approximately three hundred subruralite Ohioans half-drunk on $4.00 domestic drafts. And it didn’t so much hit her in the head as it hit in her ear and the side of her neck. And, well, she kinda had it coming.

The band was one of those local party bands who’ve played together for twenty-plus years and whose members, despite being more talented than they were twenty years ago, no longer dream of making it big but instead just dream of making enough extra cash to pay for their kids’ college tuition or to buy a new Prius. They’re as much party hosts as they are musicians and they’re pretty well adept as both. It was clear about ten minutes into the show that those in the crowd who were familiar with the band were well aware that it was cool for anyone to join them on stage at any time without invitation. And it soon became clear to the rest of us that this meant a steady parade on and then off the stage of tipsy housewives (more milfs than non-milfs thankfully) doing their best self-aware impersonations of backup singers and dancers to such classics as Jessie’s Girl, Workin’ for a Livin’ and Pour Some Sugar on Me.

It was all good, clean, blow-off-some-steam non-pretentious fun until the set list came to Prince’s Let’s Go Crazy. Within seconds, onto the stage strode a leggy, short-haired brunette in tight jeans, high heels and an insatiable need to be noticed. She claimed her place at the front of the stage, begrudgingly sharing it with the band’s lead singer and proceeded to unleash a flurry of professional dance moves the likes which have not been seen since the Solid Gold dancers turned to a life of porn retired.

In all fairness, she was a good dancer and credible reports circulated throughout the crowd that she was once gainfully employed as a Rockette. But this wasn’t Radio City Music Hall and we didn’t pay to see her kick her milfy denim-wrapped legs around on stage. She either wasn’t aware of these facts or she simply didn’t care because she kept kicking and strutting with such power and precision, emphasizing each overly choreographed movement with either an overly exaggerated four-mile-wide smile or an overly exaggerated Billy Idol-ish snarl. When she eventually decided to toss in the sideways “V” sweep across the eyes move (which by the way is the only five seconds of Pulp Fiction that doesn’t hold up), I had had enough. So when one of those green & white beach balls emblazoned with the band’s logo landed at my feet, I didn’t hesitate. I grabbed the ball, nudged my buddy Joe, gave him a quick nod, gently flicked the ball into the air with my left hand, then power-served it into the side of her head much to the delight of everyone who was paying attention.

Like a good former and now too old to get paid for it professional dancer, she quickly shook it off and continued with her unwarranted performance. And like a good professional born ‘n raised bitter westsider who never lived up to his potential sniper, I headed to the Port-o-Let and eventually to the beer truck for another $4.00 Budweiser in a plastic cup. I couldn’t help my reaction to that attention-whore any more than she could help her whorish need to get on that stage and beg for attention. So while I should probably feel bad for what I did, I don’t. And while she should probably realize what everyone was thinking of her for how she was strutting around, she won’t.

Nevertheless, the proper thing for me to do is to apologize. So in front of God and the tens of people reading this blog, I would like to offer my heartfelt apology to you, leggy, short-haired attention whore, whoever and wherever you are. It was a senseless, albeit warranted, act of mild rage that you only somewhat deserved. I sincerely wish you all the best on your never-ending quest for attention and would even like to get to know more about you. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person with a great story to tell. Maybe we could get together sometime and go to a hotel and fuck out for an ice cream or something. I’m married but my wife never reads this blog and I trust each other completely. By the way, your ass looked great in those jeans and you have really nice jugs. … You’re welcome.


And now, on with this week’s abbreviated matchups…



Raiders at Bills-
Harvard boy may get maimed.



Packers at Panthers-
Newton to get figged newtered.



Chiefs at Lions-
Chiefs are fucking horrible.



Browns at Colts-
Manning without a neck, or even a spinal cord, has got to be better than Kerry Collins.



Buccaneers at Vikings-
Two black quarterbacks. That would be a GREAT name for a band.



Bears at Saints-
Two white quarterbacks. Not a great name for a band.



Jaguars at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!



Seahawks at Steelers-
Big Ben needs some non-consensual sex a slumpbuster.



Ravens at Tennessee-
I’m printing shirts that read “Don’t Hassle the Beck”. No, I’m not.



Cardinals at Redskins-
Rex Grossman? Seriously?



Cowboys at Niners-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!



Bengals at Broncos-
The Broncos are dealing with a horrible tenuous quarterback controversy, may have as many as six starters injured and not playing in this one and my guess is they’ll still be favored to win.



Texans at Dolphins-

The Tony Sporano Farewell Tour plays its second show in Miami.



Chargers at Patriots-
Tom Brady is half a fag. The other half is the best quarterback of the last decade.



Eagles at Falcons-
Vick versus the team that fired him for killing innocent dogs.



Monday Night

Rams at Giants-
A New York or Boston professional sports team featured on a nationally televised ESPN telecast? Shocking.

Pirate metaphors, the big "D", the Scirocco, Ike Turner, Dwarf Action, Stryper, a Thai Delivery Guy, Kim K and the inside of Al Davis' tracksuit

So it was 100-degrees in Greater Cincinnati today, the grass is brown, the creek beds are dry, none of which alert my senses that it’s now football season. But apparently it is. I’m excited. No, I’m not. I haven’t had time to get excited. Hell, I just realized a few days ago that they weren’t still on strike, or lockout, er whatever. Over the past few days I’ve been trying to catch up on what I’ve missed- who’s signed where, who’s coaching who, who’s hurt, who’s suspended, who’s awaiting trial for sexual assault charges (surprise, it’s not Roethlisberger). Anyway, here’s what I’ve pieced together so far about what’s happened since the final gun sounded at the end of Super Bowl XLV (other than, of course, hundreds of thousands of fat, white Wisconsinites having unsightly celebratory missionary sex while wearing cheese hats and shooing away their confused and concerned pets who had wandered too near to take in the disturbingly odd and rare occurrence)….

Ochocinco is a Patriot. Terrel Owens is out of work. Carson Palmer is retired. Brett Favre is retired, again, at least as of this moment. Randy Moss is retired. Amy Winehouse is dead. Bubba Smith is dead. Macho Man Savage is dead. Peyton Manning has a bad neck and it could be fatal. Reggie Bush is a Dolphin. Kim Kardashian is pregnant and married, neither involving Reggie Bush and possibly not even in that order. Snooki found someone who’s attracted to Ooompa Loompas and seemingly not concerned with catching a myriad of STDs. His name is Gianni. The Situation knocked himself out by head-butting a wall. Ronnie and Sammy got back together, then violently broke up again. J-Lo and Marc Anthony split up. Will and Jada split up. LeBron James choked on a big karma sandwich. John Fox is coaching the Broncos. Ron Rivera is coaching the Panthers. Jim Harbaugh is coaching the Niners. Jeff Fisher and his mustache are no longer in Tennessee. Matt Hasselbeck is in Tennessee. I went to Tennessee and then came back. Elizabeth Taylor is dead. Jani Lane is dead. Clarence Clemons is dead. Osama Bin Laden is dead. Al Davis is still not dead. Nnamdi Asomguwah is an Eagle. Donovan McNabb is in a Viking. Cam Newton is a Panther. Donald Trump announced he was running for President. Donald Trump announced he was no longer running for President. Roseanne Barr announced she was running for President. Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with his old, beauty-impaired, Hispanic maid. Albert Haynesworth is in New England. Kevin Kolb is in Arizona. Jim Tressel is not in Columbus. Charlie Sheen was winning. Charlie Sheen went batshit crazy. Charlie Sheen went on tour. Charlie Sheen was fired. Charlie Sheen was dumped by the Goddesses. Charlie Sheen died. What? He hasn’t died yet? Wierd. Well, okay then.

As you can see, a shitload of changes. I used to like change, I embraced it, I welcomed it like a weary pirate finding a new port to plunder . Not anymore. Now I just want to know what to expect, to see the same faces in the same places, to be able to make things routine and to have more givens than variables. As a pirate, I’d be content to lie in a hammock with my treasure safely buried, strapping on my peg leg only for trips into town to buy more rum. (So I’m a pirate now? It is important to note that as I type this, I’m two beers and two doubles of Makers into the evening. Just for the record.)

I think this resistance to change is true for most guys my age. I didn’t truly realize it to be the case for me until last week while in the middle of helping a buddy move. He’s getting the big “D” (no, not Dallas. Although, I don’t know how one could “get” Dallas, but whatever. And no, not Diarrhea, not Diptheria, not Dementia… Divorced). While moving the last piece of furniture, a fucking heavy-ass dresser that nearly took both of our lives on at least two occasions while navigating the stairs up to his new second-floor condo, the enormity of the night and its life-changing ramifications suddenly started to weigh on me. This wasn’t my drama, not my move or the end of my marriage, it was his. But as a friend, his drama obviously has an effect on him so therefore it can’t help but to affect all of his relationships, including our friendship, and thus it affects me, and being the selfish 41-year old prick that I am,well, that made me uneasy.

He’s no longer living just a street away and able to pop over for an impromptu beer on the patio on any random night. There will be no more getting together with the wives and/or kids for dinner. No more secret midnight eggings of his next door neighbor Johnny B’s house, or squatting on Johnny B’s porch together with a sixer, peering through their first floor bedroom window to watch Johnny and his wife on “Role Play Wednesdays” (my favorite is when they do Bo Peep and her little lost lamb. Baaaa! SMACK! Bad Sheepy! Baaaaa!) Now he’s twenty minutes away, alone in a condo with just his own thoughts, possible regrets and a softcore painting hanging above the fireplace while I’m down yet another neighbor-buddy. That makes two neighbor-buddies that I’ve lost to the big D in the last eighteen months. Fucking bullshit. I’m dangerously close to having to either a) talk a couple more friends into moving into the neighborhood, or b) make friends with a couple guys in the neighborhood. I’m forty one years old, I don’t want to make any new friends. How gay is that? Hey Pete, uh, you seem like a cool dude. Whaddya say we hang out sometime? Ugh, I’d rather just kickstart a drug addiction and kill time with my dealer after the drop. At least that way I’d hate myself for my addiction and not for being such a needy little pussy.

So now I have to adjust. I have to adapt and roll with it because if I don’t, I’ll just start morphing into one of those old guys who’s bitter and hates everything about everything. I’ll wind up going to Bob Evans for breakfast six days a week, sitting in the same booth and ordering the same thing from the same waitress (aka the only one who will put up with me) and thinking it’s cool that they all know me by name and know my order by heart, not realizing that they all talk about how much they can’t stand me or feel sorry for me after I leave. I have to take control, be nimble and learn to again embrace change. I have get out of the hammock, strap on my peg leg, grab my sword and take the ship back out onto the open seas. I need to find a way to keep this brotherhood afloat and active despite the unfortunate turn of events that threaten to cast it asunder (I really have to fucking stop it with the pirate talk, right? I could understand it if I’d been drinking Captain Morgan’s but Makers? I’m at a loss.) Therefore, in an effort to make sure that he’s only left the neighborhood and not the brotherhood and also to explore a change for this blog, the Weekly Matchups will henceforth be done in a new (and maybe or maybe not improved) format. I will be sharing the time, space, opinions and commentary from time to time with my fellow Palooza pals Whitey and Johnny B via IM chats and posting the transcripts weekly right here. My hope is that each of you would also like to take part at least once if not on several occasions throughout the season to lend your insight, wit, sarcasm and cursing abilities to the project. I will be reaching out to each of you soon to gauge your interest and availability to take part.

For now, for the test run, I have invited my neighbor buddy Johnny B and my recently departed neighbor-buddy Whitey to join me. …

Smitty: You boners ready? I've got an ice cold Shiner Bock and an itchy trigger finger.

Johnny: Ive got a quart of milk and Butterfingers from last Halloween... the milks fresh
Whitey: I have a shitty Sammy Octoberfest. I'll pee on your foot at a piss trough.
Smitty: I haven't been at a piss trough since Johnny's wedding
Whitey: Old Municipal field, in Bengals gear. They piss on you intentionally.
Johnny: Thanks for hosting it at your backyard kev... we saved a few bucks
Whitey: lol
Smitty: It was your sister's idea... she didn't want to have to wake up and drive anywhere
Johnny: She's the youngest lush in our family... and she has grandchildren.... geez
Whitey: Mezarocco isn't listed on the shitty reds site?
he is
Smitty: It's Mesoraco. Mezarocco was a shitty AMC sports car, right?
Whitey: Mesaroco
Smitty: Maybe that was a Scirocco

Whitey: yeah, catcher
missed it, I'm loaded on Bell's
Smitty: Let's talk football. The NFL is starting the season with another Thursday Nighter. Saints at Packers. Your thoughts...
Johnny: Saw a couple of Packer pre-seasons... and they're looking sharp and hitting hard
Smitty: Kinda like ol Ike Turner
Whitey: lol

Whitey: should be a good matchup. Lot of talent, both squads.
Johnny: what does ike Turner and the Bengals defense have in common?
Johnny: they won't hit grown men
Smitty: Everybody seems to be penciling in the Pack to go back to the Super Bowl but I don't see it. Remember, they needed to win out the last few games just to make the playoffs last season
Whitey: and won the bowl. NFL parity is at all time high.

Smitty: We need to take a roadie to Lambeau Field
or a groupie
Whitey: collection of groupies. More fun in a pack.
Smitty : I do like variety
Johnny: Im still taking the Packers... either way.
Smitty: I'll take the Saints. What about you, Mikey?
Johnny: Beer, mets, cheese and the Saints... they will all go down easy this Sunday
Whitey : Packers at home. No brainer.
Johnny: Yep

Smitty : Next up is ginger kid Matt Ryan and the Falcons visiting the gutless and brainlees Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears
Johnny: This is a tough one... but I'm gonna go with the Bears.
Whitey: Bears by 3. In a battle of special teams and field position.
Johnny: Long and somewhat boring game I predict.... and low scoring.
Smitty : Name one special teamer on either team. I defy you.
MIke White has left.
Johnny: I could be wrong. I've been married twice.
Smitty : where the fuck did Mikey go?
You have invited Whitey to this chat.
Whitey has joined.
Whitey: right here
shit fuck cunt
Smitty : jackass
Whitey: what happened?
Smitty: Wait, what, Johnny you've been married twice? Who was the first guy?
Smitty : It wasn't me, was it?
Whitey: Might have been. Did you copy paste?
Johnny: Funny. You suck one dick... just one.... and you're labeled for life.
Whitey : You can probably get the text from you mail box.
Smitty : What the fuck are you talking about Mikey?
Whitey : sad really, the dick sucking once label.
Johnny: It is.... did it on a dare anyway.... doesnt count.
Whitey: I lost the chat stream history from the box. Surely it is saved somewhere. I know all of incriminating text are in the library of congress.
Smitty : If the cock was no bigger than a large clit, it does not count. Look it up.
Whitey: my* incriminating texts
Johnny: They save our texts now eh?
Whitey: I fear a large clit. Run!
Smitty : Speaking of large clits, Jay Cutler's a pussy, right?
Whitey : cry baby
no crying in football
Johnny: My son made a kid cry in football last week... I was torn. Felt bad for the other kid.... but.......
Smitty : maybe you should teach him not to touch other kids in their safety zones
Johnny: you've gone to far.... so says the library of congress too
Smitty : I'm taking the Falcons even though I think they won way more than their share of close games last year
Whitey: Never, NEVER buy a Four-in-hand IPA. Twist off shite.

Whitey : Let's talk Colts/Texans.
Johnny: ty Mike
Whitey : on the road sans Manning
Smitty: Is that like a sans serif, JOhnny?
Johnny: Texans got some running backs
Whitey : oh shit I'm not DVRing Sons of Anarchy!!
Johnny: sans DVRing
Smitty : Don't worry, I've got it taping, er DVRing. Is that what we call it?
Whitey : recording on a hard drive.
in a tv box
Smitty : Hey Mike, walk on over later and we'll watch



Johnny: I still say taping.... but I also say bitchin a lot
Whitey : My mom calls CDs tapes.
Leake looks very unhappy.
Johnny: she invests in tapes?
hmm
Smitty : She also calls safe deposit boxes "honey holes"
Johnny: lol
Whitey: lolz
Smitty: So the Colts are screwed, right? Without Manning they're what, a four-win team at best?
Whitey: Probably going to lose in Houston yeah.
Johnny: Without an offense they are screwed... and the Texans will run over their D.... just saying

Whitey : Bills @ Chiefs WAGF?
Smitty : What's WAGF?
Johnny: Two teams i could give a squirt o' piss about. Take your pick.
Whitey : Not even the WGAF game of the week. "Who Give A FUCK"
Gives*
Johnny: ty mike
feelings mutual...
Smitty : Gimme the Chiefs
Whitey: Take the Bills in a minor upset.
Smitty : Are the Reds still winning?
Whitey: extras
Smitty : son of a fuck
Johnny: Youve always been a sucker for KC.... later he'll take the Vikings.... wait and see
Smitty : score?
Johnny: 2-2 last I checked

Smitty: Titans at Jags. No more Jeff Fisher to talk about, no more ruminations about his fuzzy upper-lip testes-tickler.
Johnny: It will be missed.
Whitey: Jags
Johnny: I'll take Hasselbeck and the Titans
Smitty: I knew you would. I'll take them, too. They're my AFC sleeper. Not to win anything but just to not be horrible and maybe make a wild card run.

Smitty : Ready to tackle Bengals at Browns?
Whitey: Browns by 10
Johnny: I do believe the Browns will take it
Smitty : I don't know if either team can score ten points
Whitey : 24-14 mark me
Johnny: Not that the Browns are all that... but the Bengals are in disaray.
Smitty: Browns are down two offensive linemen
Whitey: 2 special scores
hell there might be a safety in that game.
Smitty : you and your special teams stuff again
Johnny: I say... 4-2 Browns
Smitty : Ooh but they do have Josh Cribbs still, right?
Whitey: It's all about special teams, and ball bearings.
Johnny: 3 safeties i say....
yes they do
runs like a bull
Whitey : downhill
Smitty: I'll go Browns, 16-13
Johnny: Browns 17-7
Smitty : What do you think Carson Palmer's doing right now?
Whitey : fucking
carson
palmer
Smitty : Fucking himself?
Whitey : sure, maybe
Johnny: it was over anyway... next
Whitey : or playing scrabble with local dwarves
Smitty : and of course as we all know, that always ends up with fucking
Whitey : or juggling

Smitty : Eagles at Rams
Whitey : Rams in an epic first game of the season upset
Johnny: Campano stole second... still 2-2
Whitey : Vick throws 3 int and fumbles twice
Smitty : Masset is a turd
Whitey : floating turd
Johnny: i dont think so Mike.... Im a Vick believer. He's a new man... the real deal.
Eagles 24 Rams 10
Whitey: I like him too. Great player
I was talking shit. Eagles 19-13 over Rams.
Smitty: Give me the Rams. Stephen Jackson is healthy and ready to truck some fuckers
Whitey: impossible, assume everything is tongue in cheek.
Unbelievable!
Johnny: One loss for Kevin
Smitty: Why is Nick Masset still pitching?!?!?!?!?
Johnny: bases loaded
Smitty : Dusty Baker is a fucktard
Whitey : Reds don't give a shit about winning or keeping their manager.

Smitty : They tire me. Ravens vs Steelers
Whitey : Masset is good for a DP
Smitty : double-penetration?
Whitey : it's over
yep, and one in the mouth
two in the ass
Smitty: that's a TP
Johnny: Ill have to go with... Steelers... best game this week.
Whitey: I'll take Ravens, out of hate.
Johnny: Steelers 24-20
Smitty : It's at Baltimore, which means nothing. Ugh... I don't care who wins as long as a lot of players go off on stretchers
Whitey: B-more 17-10
Johnny: I hate everything yellow and black.... except for Stryper.

Smitty : Michael Sweet's still alive but Jani Lane is dead? Is God sleeping for Christsakes?
Whitey: hello LeCure
Smitty : Sam Lecure is a BEAST!
Going to the 11th

Whitey : Lions @ Bucs WGAF II?
I want to be wrong about the Lions, but they are the fucking Lions!
Johnny: so true
Smitty : I like this game. The Lions D Line is scary-good and the Bucs are coached by Seal. I'm in
Whitey: okay, so Lions by 10
??
Johnny: It could go either way... but Ill take the lions by 6
Smitty : Lions by at least one
Whitey : Bucs 10-7. Again special teams win the day.
Smitty: son of a bitch
Johnny: possibly

Smitty : Vikings at Chargers.... And yes, Johnny, I'm taking the Vikings
Whitey : Mesoraco swings like a spaz
Norv Turner is the fucking man this year.
Chargers 27-3.

Johnny: Chargers.... easy.
Smitty : Chargers were #1 in total offense AND total defense last season and didn't make the playoffs. You know why Mikey?
Whitey: Norv?
Johnny: And he likes his purple in men.
Smitty : They got their ass kicked on special teams
Whitey : Oh yeah. Special team are HUGE!
They moved the fucking kick-off line up though. Shit fuck cunt.
Smitty : I saw an old black dude at the LABOR annual picnic at Coney Island yesterday who was dressed in a lavender suit.... with matching hat and lavender & silver dress shoes
Johnny: true... but seriously... youre taking Vikings over Chargers... just because of special teams....
you came in your pants didnt you
Purple and silver? you were on it right?
Smitty : ...and because I hate Philip Rivers
The old dude looked like a California Raisin headed out on the town
Whitey : nice to run out of an extra inning
Johnny: yes... thats the real reason.... but... hate to tell you... Rivers is actually pretty good
Smitty : Good stats but he hasn't won shit

Whitey : it's time for Giants v. Skins bitches
Johnny: oh my
Smitty : Giants. If it weren't for the Panthers, I'd be about two weeks away from announcing that the Skins are "on the clock"
Whitey: Giants 21-10. seems reasonable.
Johnny: I want the Skins.... and the Giants are so unpredictable.... but I have to agree with you
so Giants it is... but it could go badly... just saying
Smitty : Arredondo walks more people than a physical therapist
Whitey : Jeezus!
Johnny: he just walked! Nostrodamus
or my ghetto cable is 3 minutes behind you
Whitey: Might as well wild pitch in the winning run with this guy.
my av rules.
Smitty : sac bunt, another walk, single, game over

Panthers and Cammille Newton at Arizona
Whitey: WGAF II!
Johnny: Arizona
Whitey : or 3
Johnny: they will run
Smitty : What if the Panthers get the #1 pick again? Do they take Andrew Luck after just taking Newton?
Whitey: Trade for 2 later picks and 3rd rounder.
They are horrid.
Cards 24-9.
Smitty : Cards by 17
Johnny: I agree.... next

Smitty : Seahags at Niners
Johnny: I agree.... next
Smitty : Seahags at Niners
Johnny: oooooooo
Niners
Whitey : hags
Smitty : Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!
Johnny: Frank Gore 14...... Seahags 3
Whitey: Hags upset in the bay. It's divisional.
Smitty : Did you forget about Marshawn Lynch? Remember the beast of a run he had against the Saints in the playoffs last year?
Plus, the 'Hags have Charlie Whitehurst. You can't possibly bet against Charlie Whitehurst!!



Whitey : I have to pick upsets, sometimes unfounded. Hags 27-17
Johnny: so when do we have to get our picks in by?
Whitey: Johnny, lets burn a fag.
Johnny: less than 48 hours?
Smitty : By 5pm Thursday.
Whitey: Hannigan!
Johnny: need to get this out tomorrow...
Smitty: Don't try to steal from an Irishman!

Cowboys at Jets....
Johnny: Hannigan is a beast.
Pretty even matchup.... going with the Jets
Whitey : Hate em'. Jets 14-10
Smitty : How much longer can the Jets get by protecting Sanchez with a running game when they keep losing veteran offensive linemen?
Whitey : brb
Johnny: Mike is burning a fag!
Smitty: Is that legal in Mason?
Wait, he lives alone... why not smoke in the condo?
Johnny: Yes.... but it doesnt get you quite the tax incentives it does out here in Ross.
Smitty : Maybe he ordered in some Thai food and the delivery dude's at the door.
Johnny: He's been trained. And he forgot he was trained.
Smitty : I wonder if he's also putting the seat down when he's done pissing
Johnny: If it's an Asian guy... he won't be back for at least 45 minutes.... they like lots of foreplay.
Smitty: but strangely don't like to cuddle

Whitey: heh
Johnny: so Im told
Smitty : Fuck the Jets, gimme the 'Boys

Pats (with the Ocho) at the Dolphins
Chapman to the rescue!
on to the 12th
Johnny: woot woot
Whitey: Fins! all day
Johnny: lol.... yeah
ok... next
Smitty : They have Reggie Bush now
Johnny: oh boy
Whitey : sure enough. Pats are overrated
Smitty: Will he be better or worse now that Kim K has moved on to fucking NBA players instead?
Whitey : are we doing WGAF V yet?
Johnny: I agree they’re overrated... but.... still taking Pats
Smitty : I think WGAF is the Reds/Cubs
Whitey : nice
Johnny: IGAF
Smitty : Isn't it fucked up that the daughter of the dude who helped get OJ acquitted for double-murder made a sex tape with a 2nd rate rapper and is now a multi-kajillionaire with a tv show and a clothing line?
Whitey: the decline of western civilization

Smitty : Gimme the Pats
Whitey : mistake maybe, but again special teams.

Smitty : Monday Night- Raiders at Donkeys. Over-Under on how many Raider fans will murder Broncos fans in the stands
Whitey: 2 on that. the wgaf raiderz by 3
Johnny: Denvers gonna suck 6 different breeds of donkey this year....
Ill marginally take the Raiders
Sent at 11:38 PM on Tuesday
Smitty : Raiders.
Whitey : so we're in agreement. Al Davis is the anti-christ?
Sent at 11:40 PM on Tuesday
Smitty: Don't know about that but I'll bet the inside of his track suit smells like a dumpster that's been hiding a month-old murder scene

Johnny: Votto just stole an out against Capano
Whitey: That was a bad call.
Johnny: yep
Smitty : Campano is a dwarf
Johnny: a very quick dwarf
Smitty : He's the league's first raindrop fairy
Johnny: lol
Smitty : So are we done here?
Any last words?
Johnny: yes... i kinda miss you Mike
hope youre doing well
Smitty : he has a couch you can sleep on
Whitey : no worries here. Happpy as I've ever been.
Smitty : and a bed made for two
... or three
Whitey: you guys are welcome here whenever you want.
lot of good places around. I'm among the living again.
Johnny: see you Thursday at 11 am.... thats when I want
Smitty: See you in :30. I'll bring the Makers, Johnny, you bring some coneys.

Freaks and Geeks, Poles and Holes, Hoof in Mouth, Cream of Belichick, Big Ben's Pickup Lines, GTLPN, Losing to Joe Webb, and the Beacon Town Beavers

So I’m watching the IFC Holiday Marathon of Freaks and Geeks the other day. Absolutely without a doubt the best one-season television show of all time. It’s not up for debate and I won’t even entertain an argument to the contrary. As a matter of fact, anyone who tries to argue against it will immediately be branded a tasteless, communist moron with no soul and lumpy porridge for a brain. Freaks and Geeks is the perfect depiction of high school, more specifically high school in 1980, of suburban life with all of its charm and cheesiness, of the struggle of kids to find themselves and of their parents to allow them make those discoveries. There are a countless number unforgettable lines and scenes from unforgettable characters delivered in breakout performances by several now-famous actors all written & directed by Judd Apatow before he went on to pen some less textured comedies such as Anchorman, The 40-Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Talladega Nights, Pineapple Express, and Funny People .

It certainly wasn’t the first nor the last scripted portrayal of American teens and their plight, but to-date, it’s the best. Like all great art, it works because it makes the audience feel something. Like all great character-driven art, it works because it makes you feel for the characters and you feel for the characters because you can relate to them. All of them, not just the freaks and not just the geeks. And not just the teens. The truth is, there’s some freak and some geek in all of us and, as we learn as the episodes progress, in each of the characters as well. And the truth is, this NFL season and the past seventeen weeks of this blog would not have been possible without the fuel provided by a huge collection of freaks, geeks, jocks, brains, divas and delinquents. As I like to do each year at this time, here’s a list in no certain order of the people, places and things to whom I’d like to say thanks for being there and not giving a damn about your bad reputation....


Jeff Fisher’s lady tickler

Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard

Tom Brady’s hair

A mullet-less Jared Allen

Brett Favre's sternoclavicular joint

Brett Favre’s sext messages

Brett Favre’s Wranglers

The Metrodome Roof Collapse

The collapse of the Vikings

The collapse of the Cowboys

The collapse of the Bengals

Don Draper’s binge drinking

Mel Gibson’s angry phone messages

Charlie Sheen

Gus Johnson!

Don Criqui

Cricket

Norv Turner

Principal Skinner

Jimmy Johnson, Survivor contestant

The Derek Anderson Experiment

Yo Gabba Gabba

The Suite Life

The Situation

The Madden Curse

Weird Science

Steven Seagal

Terriers

Mike Vick's Comback

Concussions

Peyton Hillis

Wet Granny Panties in Cleveland

Bills Fans Anonymous

Eli Manning bleeding from the head

The Chiefs fan who got branded while tailgating

The Raiders fan who shanked a Chargers fan

The NFC Worst

Fat Albert Haynesworth

Fish Logs

Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s legs

Hannah Montana

Charo

Popeye

Eliot Spitzer

Keith Olberkork

Chris Berman

Greenberg & Golic

Mike Brown

The Mayor of London

The Great Pumpkin

Powerthirst

Donovan McNabb’s contract extension

Donovan McNabb’s benching

Tony Romo’s engagement

Jerry Jones' face

Al Davis' Cryptkeeper face

John Skelton's goon face

Kyle Orton's face

Tom Green's face

Butterfaces

Jessie Ventura

The McRib

The firing of Josh McDaniels

The firing of Brad Childress

The firing of Wade Phillips

The firing of Mike Singletary

Kurt Warner dancing

Rex Ryan’s fetish video

Sal Alosi’s knee

The Beastie Boys

Color Me Badd

Justin Bieber

Tecmo DeSean Jackson

The Dolphins fight song

The Falcons fight song

Corona Cans

Todd Haley's sweatsuit

The Hoodie

The Griswolds

Happy Days

Eight is Enough

Diff’rent Strokes

Big Ben’s broken nose

Big Ben getting bitch-slapped

Big Ben meets Chris Hanson

Big Ben’s Best Pickup Lines

The Brees baby name search

Bizarro Belichick

Stormtroopers

NFL Cheerleaders

Swashbuckling Santas

Marissa Miller in a bikini

The Kardashian sisters

Karma

Dandy Don

John Lennon

Leslie Nielsen

Wilford Brimley

Blackouts

Larry at The Southgate House

3rd-string quarterbacks

The Bears offensive line

The Cortland Finnegan - Andre Johnson fight

The John Fox Farewell Tour

The Wade Phillips Farewell Tour

The Brad Childress Farewell Tour

The Lovie Smith Farewell Tour (Cancelled)

The Jack Del Rio Farewell Tour (Cancelled)


and of course, the voice in my head that tells the other voice in my head, "Shutup and let him type, you pansy."





Now bring on the matchups!




Dolphins at Patriots-

The Fish ended up with a 1-7 home record this season and have lost three of their last four games at the hands of the lowly Browns, Bills and Lions. I’m guessing, and it’s just a guess, but I’m guessing that shortly after this game, and the season, is over, someone in the Dolphins family is going to approach head coach Tony Sporano and ask him to get in the car to “go for a little ride”. My advice to Tony is to get a fake passport and get out of the country before kickoff.


Pick: Patriots, 26-13






Raiders at Jets-

J! - E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK TOES!!!!

So Rex Ryan has a foot fetish to go along with his obvious food fetish. I don’t really care but it does explain why he doesn’t mind putting his foot in his mouth every time he gets the chance. And a word of warning to his lovely wife.... If you let Rexy convince you someday to tongue his fatty arches, nibble on his heels, or suck on his fat sweaty toes, you should know that you run the risk of developing more than just severe halitosis. You could come down with….



The Jets don’t need this one, the Raiders are going nowhere, somebody has to win so maybe the fat Polack will knock through a few field goals. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Maybe the husky Polack will knock through a few field goals. What?! Oh. …..Maybe the husky Pole will knock through a few field goals. Better? Hey, if people from Poland are called Poles then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?


Pick: Raiders, 19-16







Bills at Chiefs-

After Ryan Fitzpatrick took over at quarterback for Buffalo, their season kinda followed the same arc as his beard. At first it was interesting, then it looked pretty good for a while, but ultimately it just got scratchy & uncomfortable and just became something of a mess. As for Kansas City, a therapist once told me that you can learn a lot by the “soup” someone is ladled from. If that’s true then it’s no wonder why the Chiefs have ascended so quickly. Their GM is Scott Pioli, the former VP of Player Personnel for the Patriots. Their offensive coordinator is Charlie Weiss, the former OC for the Patriots. Their defensive coordinator is Romeo Crennel, the former DC for the Patriots. And their quarterback is Matt Cassel, former quarterback for the Patriots. In other words, they’re ladled from the Soup Nazi.



Pick: Chiefs, 27-17






Bengals at Ravens-

The Chad Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, Cedric Benson, Jonathan Joseph, Roy Williams, maybe Marvin Lewis and hopefully for the Love of God Bob Bratkowski Farewell Tour heads to Baltimore! How ironic it would be if Marvin Lewis’ last game as Bengals head coach takes place in the city and against the team with whom he won a Super Bowl ring before coming to Cincinnati. Also ironic that Marvin and Chad might be leaving together. HOWEVER…. If they somehow knock off the Ravens and finish the season with three straight wins, Mikey Boy might just want to keep the whole band together. If that happens, Cincinnati area hospitals will quickly be overrun with people injured by sucking on the tailpipes of their idling automobiles. Oh and hey, thanks Jerome Simpson. Thanks for doing nothing for almost three years and now finally producing just in time to give Mikey a reason to keep Bratkowski around and to get a couple pointless wins to screw up the team’s draft position.




Pick: Ravens, 21-17







Vikings at Lions-

I just took a break to change our two year olds diaper. I love her dearly but it was a disgusting, up-the-back poopfest that took eight of those diaper wipes, about a half a can of air freshener and had me on the verge of coughing up my dinner onto the embroidered flower rug lying next to her changing table. All that being said, if I had the choice between changing another diaper like that or having to sit through the horrible Vikings/Lions matchup this Sunday, the decision would be easy. I would definitely watch the football game. What’s that? You thought I was going to pick the diaper? You must not have kids. I know I joke around but you don’t joke about that stuff. It’s truly horrifying. The smell is still in my head. You know, I’m too young to have been in Vietnam but after dealing with a diaper like that, I think I can imagine what an Agent Orange-induced flashback must be like.


Pick: Lions, 24-13







Buccaneers at Saints-

Sure, the Saints have won seven of their last eight and just knocked off the Falcons in Atlanta but what could be scarier than coming off of an emotional win and having to turn right around and win again the next week against a plucky upstart division rival with an outside shot at the postseason who’d like nothing more than to take a dump on your playoff cake? Okay, other than waking up next to Joy Behar? Alright, and other than seeing Andre Smith naked. Well sure, but other than being stalked by Andy Dick. Or Eric Roberts. Or Gary Busey. Right, having tarantulas dumped into your bed would probably also be scarier. Okay, other than being stalked by creepy dudes, seeing fat people naked and having poisonous arachnids and/or members of The View (except Elizabeth Hasselbeck) in your bed, what could be scarier? What? Did you say “maggots”? Crawling where? Good Lord, you people are sick.


Pick: Buccaneers, 27-24







Panthers at Falcons-

And now it’s time for a very special guest. Most seasons I’m able to bring him in a lot sooner but this year was a bit different. However now, without further ado, it’s with great pleasure that I turn this matchup over to none other than the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Thank you, Kevin. Welcome football fans, team representatives and esteemed guests. And now the eight words that the North Carolina chapter of the Andrew Luck fan club has been patiently waiting for…. The Carolina Panthers are now on the clock.



Pick: Falcons, 26-10







Steelers at Browns-

The good news for the Steelers is that they’ve locked up a playoff spot. The bad news is that also means Big Ben will have to wait a couple more weeks before heading out to the college bars to say things like, “Hey, do you know who I am?” and “Did you just buy something for seventy five cents? Cause you’re about to get yourself a quarterback.” and “Have you ever had a Super Bowl ring down your pants?” and “No, the door’s not locked, it’s probably just stuck.”


Pick: Steelers, 21-16






Jaguars at Texans-

You know how every season on Survivor there’s this one person who everybody knows is dangerous and needs to get voted out immediately but the rest of the meatheads let ‘em hang around and hang around and then wind up getting burned that person? Yeah, well the Jags and Texans are the meatheads who are now on the jury staring across at the Colts sitting there with their torch still lit and wearing an immunity necklace. I’m guessing Gary Kubiak gets voted out at the next Texans tribal council. Heck, they even have t-shirts…








Pick: Texans, 23-17






Giants at Redskins-

Speaking of getting voted out, a loss in DC and Tom Coughlin could be done in New York, er, New Jersey. After losing two straight, the Giants have to take care of the Skins and hope for the Bears to go into Green Bay and beat the Packers in order to for them make it in as a wildcard. If Coughlin does get the boot, I’d like to see him on the cast of the next Jersey Shore. I’d love to see his wrinkly red-faced sour puss out there fist-pumping at the clubs, taking part in T-Shirt Time, and turning GTL into GTLPN (Gym, Tan, Laundry, Pills, Nap). I’d give it five episodes before Snooki would “accidentally” fall asleep in his bed and just three episodes before Tommy C and JWoww would throw fists in the kitchen.




Pick: Redskins, 21-20







Cardinals at Niners-

Well I guess I was wrong. Turns out that the Niners had the stones to fire Singletary after all. Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Looks like I was also wrong about Cards quarterback John Skelton. He showed some promise Sunday night in the comeback win against the Cowboys. Maybe there could actually be a Miss Missouri in his future.

You know, being wrong doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it. Jesus, how does Mike Brown stand it? My stomick hurts, my hed’s spinning and I feel like I need a long, hot shower . Hey, I think I just misspelled a bunch of stuff. Crap, it’s gettin’ worse. Scooz me while I go warsh the dumb off of me.


Pick: Cardinals, 21-17






Chargers at Broncos-

According to a report in the San Diego Union-Tribune, Chargers president Dean Spanos says that GM AJ Smith and head coach Norv Turner will both be returning for the 2011 season. And that loud squishy thud you just heard was the collective sound of tens of thousands of Chargers fans heads falling into their breakfast burritos. I can understand AJ Smith coming back, hell, he’s assembled arguably the most talented roster in the league. But Norv Turner? He’s only managed to get an 8-7 record out of that roster and was in charge of an uninspired & unprepared performance against the Bengals last Sunday in a must-win situation. When asked specifically about Turner, Spanos said, "It wasn't coaching. Sometimes the best thing in the world is to make very few changes. There's an image out there that Norv is my puppet. Just the opposite. The man knows what he's doing. People may have the opposite opinion. The coach is coming back. Other teams make decisions to go in another direction. I did -- four years ago. I know it's frustrating to the fans, but I believe in this coach." When Norv Turner was asked for his response, Spanos shoved his hand up Turner’s ass and Norv mouthed “No comment”.


Pick: Broncos, 23-21






Cowboys at Eagles-

Last week, Mike Vick said he’d vote for himself for league MVP and then a couple days later he goes out on his home turf and gets outdueled by Joe Webb. The same Joe Webb who looked like an average high school option quarterback the week before against the Bears. Seriously, you can’t lose to Joe Webb and expect to be the MVP. You also can’t lose to Joe Webb and get the #2 seed and a first round bye. The only good thing about losing to Joe Webb is that it renders this game meaningless and therefore there’s nothing left to say about it except…. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!












Pick: Eagles, 27-23






Bears at Packers-

Thanks to the Eagles loss to the Vikings on Tuesday, the Bears are locked into the #2 seed and this game means nothing to them. Well, except that if they win, they can knock the rival Packers out. If the Packers win, they’re in as the #6 seed and playing in Philly next weekend. So if you’re the Bears, what do you do? Would you rather try to knock out your nemesis while risking your quarterback or keep your quarterback away from harm and let your nemesis waltz into the playoffs? Here are a couple quick stats to help you decide: The Packers are tied for 5th in the league with 41 sacks, led by linebacker Clay Matthews who has 12.5 by himself. Meanwhile the Bears are worst in the league so far this season, allowing Cutler to be sacked 50 times. Personally, I’d sit him. And I’m guessing that the first time Matthews blows around the end and heads towards Cutler, full of bad intentions and his hair flying in the frozen air, Lovie Smith’s sphincter will tighten so hard & fast that it’ll create a black hole sucking in the whole lower half of his body, a yard marker and the nearest water boy. It will also create a strange yet predictable gravitational pull which will yank Cutler off of the field and toss Todd Collins from the sidelines and into the game.


Pick: Packers, 31-17






Titans at Colts-

Speaking of crappy backup quarterbacks with the last name of Collins, Kerry Collins takes his 3-6 record and 77.4 passer rating this season into Indy on Sunday. He has somehow managed to stay around in the NFL for sixteen seasons playing for five different teams despite completing just 55% of his passes and having only nine more touchdowns than interceptions. Collins and the less-talented doppelganger of Chris Johnson are all that stand between the Colts and extending their streak of making the playoffs to nine straight seasons. It’s amazing, even with fifteen players on injured reserve (including Dallas Clark), playing much of the season without Joseph Addai and Austin Collie, playing through injuries to Reggie Wayne, Jacob Tamme and Donald Brown, and playing behind a horse crap offensive line, Peyton Manning still somehow has them on the doorstep of another division title. I think it’s safe to say that we haven’t witnessed one individual player who’s more vital to his team’s success since Scott Howard turned into Teen Wolf and led the Beacon Town Beavers to the Nebraska State Basketball Championship in 1985.



Pick: Colts, 27-13





Sunday Night


Rams at Seahawks-

The NFC Worst division title is on the line Sunday night and if the Seahawks win, they’ll become the first team to ever win an NFL divisional title with a losing record. My buddy Johnny B asked me if I planned on watching this one, to which I replied, “Absolutely.” I am not going to miss it and I’ll be watching this one for the same reason I watched the series finale of Ally McBeal back in the spring of 2002 and for the same reason that I will someday watch the final episode of The View. To make sure it’s finally over.


Pick: Rams, 24-19