Mar 18, 2005
Mar 15, 2005
Mocking the Draft
After weeks of intensively ignoring the combines, shying away from all individual workouts, disregarding most team needs, and generally just napping & rekindling my dream of an alternate NFL Universe, here is my mock of the 2005 NFL Draft……..
1) Niners- Braylon Edwards, WR Michigan
Because honestly, who needs a quarterback when you’ve got Tim Rattay?
2) Dolphins- Cedric “The Entertainer” Benson, RB Texas
…And who needs a quarterback when you’ve got AJ Feeley?
3) Browns- Ronnie Brown, RB Auburn
This selection is brought to you by the UPS. Hey Cleveland, what can Ronnie Brown do for you?
4) Bears- David Pollack, DE Georgia
A bit of a reach here, but he should be an instant hit with the large Polish population in the Chicagoland area.
5) Bucs- Carnell “Cadillac” Williams, RB Auburn
After learning of the pick and thinking that he’s possibly going to lose some attention, Joey Galloway immediately calls a press conference to announce that he’s legally changing his name to Rolls Royce Galloway.
6) Titans- Mike Williams, WR USC
Big receiver reunites with Norm Chow, his former college O.C. from the OC.
I imagine they’ll high-five, they’ll hug, try unsuccessfully to find a place in Nashville that serves a decent albondago, and then they’ll immediately start working on a plan to try and get the hell out of Tennessee and back to the OC.
7) Vikings (from Oakland)- With both top WRs gone, chaos ensues in the Minnesota war room. Ultimately, they fail to get their pick up to the podium in time and get skipped. Again.
7) Cardinals- Alex Smith, QB Utah
Denny Green will stop at nothing to keep Josh McCown on the bench, no matter how well he plays.
8) Redskins- Aaron Rodgers, QB Cal
Coach Gibbs knows it’s time to replace the driver of the 05 FedEx, DC Comics, Washington Mutual, Redskin Pontiac.
9) Vikings- Mike Tice finally decides that making this pick is more trouble than it’s worth and thus proceeds to scalp the pick to Cincinnati.
9) Bengals (from Minnesota)- Derrick Johnson, LB Texas
Cincinnati jumps on the chance to continue their quest for an All-Johnson first string.
Look for them to seriously consider Magic Johnson, Don Johnson, and Notch Johnson in the later rounds.
10) Lions- Adam “Pac Man” Jones, CB West Virginia
Coach Mariucci likes him because he has a cool nickname. GM Matt Millen likes him because he’s clearly “not gay”. You have seen Ms. Pac Man, right?
11) Cowboys- Antrell Rolle, CB Miami
Dallas sportswriters & sportscasters proceed to rack their brains trying to get the words “Tuna” and “Rolle” into a catchy headline.
12) Chargers (from NY Giants)- Sean Cody, DE USC
Only guy still on the board who didn’t tell Coach Schottenheimer that he wanted to go to the Giants.
13) Texans- Alex Barron, OT Florida State
If for no other reason than to get David Carr’s life insurance premiums down to a more manageable level.
14) Panthers- Mark Clayton, WR Oklahoma
The only first-round wide receiver who can’t outrun Jake Delhomme’s rag arm.
15) Chiefs- Marcus Spears, DE LSU
It should take Chris Berman approximately 2.4 seconds to remark that Spears will now get to wear a spear on the side of his helmet. It should then take me approximately just 1.7 seconds to fire an empty beer can at the television.
16) Saints- Jonathan Babineaux, DE Iowa
Sure, he’s a bit of a reach here, but his last name is French, just like that gay fleur de lis on the side of the Saints’ helmets. Aww-haww-haww, sacre bleu!
17) Bengals- Travis Johnson, DT Florida State
We’re now at six Johnsons and counting!
18) Vikings- Troy Williamson, WR South Carolina
Still needing to find a replacement for Randy Moss, Minnesota regroups and decides to replace a cock with a Gamecock. Sweet!
19) Rams- Erasmus James, DE Wisconsin
First order Mike Martz gives to him: Cripple Kyle Turley.
20) Cowboys (from Buffalo)- Carlos Rogers, CB Auburn
Two corners in the first round? Yeah, well, just in case Antrell Rolle turns out to be as big a turd as Terrence Newman. Just in case.
21) Jaguars- Jammal Brown, OT Florida State
‘Cause big fat guys look sharp in teal jerseys.
22) Ravens- Shawne Merriman, OLB Maryland
Immediately changes his last name to Lewis and gets arrested on the way home from draft party at the local hangout.
23) Seahawks- Antaaj Hawthorne, DT Wisconsin
Still unable to drop any weight despite several diet plans, numerous diet pills, and countless hours spent naked, eating crème-filled éclairs in semi-private steam rooms, Coach Holmgren smartly opts for only guy left on the board who he can stand next to that will make him look a little less obese.
24) Packers- Reggie Brown, WR Georgia
25) Packers (draft day trade with Denver)- Roddy White, WR Alabama-Birmingham
As a tribute to the late Reggie White, Green Bay works out a deal to acquire the Broncos’ pick and proceed to take a “Reggie” and a “White”. The Packers also announce that they will be designating one home game this season as Reverend Reggie White Day. For that game, luxury suites will be on sale at discounted prices to all Hispanics who will be encouraged to show their skills by fitting as many of their relatives in the suites as humanly possible.
26) Jets- Thomas Davis, S Georgia
Bored by having nothing to do in the first round this year, Giants fans in attendance boo the pick. This behavior enrages the J!-E!-T!-S! cheerleading fireman who fires back obscenities at the Giants fans. After being challenged to come down from his brother’s shoulders and “take it outside”, everyone in attendance suffers through the awkward moments of realizing for the first time that the J!-E!-T!-S! Cheerleading Fireman and his brother are actually Siamese twins attached at the crotch and back of the neck, respectively. Very awkward.
27) Falcons- Matt Jones, QB/WR Arkansas
A quarterback-turned-wide receiver who runs a 4.4 forty? And he’s white?!?!
Vick and Jones may just wind up being the most exciting black/white combo since Crockett and Tubbs. Or, at the very least, since Todd Bridges & Dana Plato.
28) Chargers- Dan Cody, DE Oklahoma
Two defensive ends named Cody makes for a helluva post-draft press conference with the aging Coach Schottenheimer.
29) Colts- Elton Brown, OG Virginia
Because who needs a defense, really?
30) Steelers- Craphonso Thorpe, WR Florida State
Basically just replacing a Plaxico with a Craphonso.
31) Eagles- Charlie Frye, QB Akron
Rumor has it, not only does his mom know how to heat-up canned soup, but, unlike Donnie Mac, he also knows how to run a two-minute drill.
32) Patriots- Channing Crowder, LB Florida
Best day after draft headline: “Crowder to the Chowders”
1) Niners- Braylon Edwards, WR Michigan
Because honestly, who needs a quarterback when you’ve got Tim Rattay?
2) Dolphins- Cedric “The Entertainer” Benson, RB Texas
…And who needs a quarterback when you’ve got AJ Feeley?
3) Browns- Ronnie Brown, RB Auburn
This selection is brought to you by the UPS. Hey Cleveland, what can Ronnie Brown do for you?
4) Bears- David Pollack, DE Georgia
A bit of a reach here, but he should be an instant hit with the large Polish population in the Chicagoland area.
5) Bucs- Carnell “Cadillac” Williams, RB Auburn
After learning of the pick and thinking that he’s possibly going to lose some attention, Joey Galloway immediately calls a press conference to announce that he’s legally changing his name to Rolls Royce Galloway.
6) Titans- Mike Williams, WR USC
Big receiver reunites with Norm Chow, his former college O.C. from the OC.
I imagine they’ll high-five, they’ll hug, try unsuccessfully to find a place in Nashville that serves a decent albondago, and then they’ll immediately start working on a plan to try and get the hell out of Tennessee and back to the OC.
7) Vikings (from Oakland)- With both top WRs gone, chaos ensues in the Minnesota war room. Ultimately, they fail to get their pick up to the podium in time and get skipped. Again.
7) Cardinals- Alex Smith, QB Utah
Denny Green will stop at nothing to keep Josh McCown on the bench, no matter how well he plays.
8) Redskins- Aaron Rodgers, QB Cal
Coach Gibbs knows it’s time to replace the driver of the 05 FedEx, DC Comics, Washington Mutual, Redskin Pontiac.
9) Vikings- Mike Tice finally decides that making this pick is more trouble than it’s worth and thus proceeds to scalp the pick to Cincinnati.
9) Bengals (from Minnesota)- Derrick Johnson, LB Texas
Cincinnati jumps on the chance to continue their quest for an All-Johnson first string.
Look for them to seriously consider Magic Johnson, Don Johnson, and Notch Johnson in the later rounds.
10) Lions- Adam “Pac Man” Jones, CB West Virginia
Coach Mariucci likes him because he has a cool nickname. GM Matt Millen likes him because he’s clearly “not gay”. You have seen Ms. Pac Man, right?
11) Cowboys- Antrell Rolle, CB Miami
Dallas sportswriters & sportscasters proceed to rack their brains trying to get the words “Tuna” and “Rolle” into a catchy headline.
12) Chargers (from NY Giants)- Sean Cody, DE USC
Only guy still on the board who didn’t tell Coach Schottenheimer that he wanted to go to the Giants.
13) Texans- Alex Barron, OT Florida State
If for no other reason than to get David Carr’s life insurance premiums down to a more manageable level.
14) Panthers- Mark Clayton, WR Oklahoma
The only first-round wide receiver who can’t outrun Jake Delhomme’s rag arm.
15) Chiefs- Marcus Spears, DE LSU
It should take Chris Berman approximately 2.4 seconds to remark that Spears will now get to wear a spear on the side of his helmet. It should then take me approximately just 1.7 seconds to fire an empty beer can at the television.
16) Saints- Jonathan Babineaux, DE Iowa
Sure, he’s a bit of a reach here, but his last name is French, just like that gay fleur de lis on the side of the Saints’ helmets. Aww-haww-haww, sacre bleu!
17) Bengals- Travis Johnson, DT Florida State
We’re now at six Johnsons and counting!
18) Vikings- Troy Williamson, WR South Carolina
Still needing to find a replacement for Randy Moss, Minnesota regroups and decides to replace a cock with a Gamecock. Sweet!
19) Rams- Erasmus James, DE Wisconsin
First order Mike Martz gives to him: Cripple Kyle Turley.
20) Cowboys (from Buffalo)- Carlos Rogers, CB Auburn
Two corners in the first round? Yeah, well, just in case Antrell Rolle turns out to be as big a turd as Terrence Newman. Just in case.
21) Jaguars- Jammal Brown, OT Florida State
‘Cause big fat guys look sharp in teal jerseys.
22) Ravens- Shawne Merriman, OLB Maryland
Immediately changes his last name to Lewis and gets arrested on the way home from draft party at the local hangout.
23) Seahawks- Antaaj Hawthorne, DT Wisconsin
Still unable to drop any weight despite several diet plans, numerous diet pills, and countless hours spent naked, eating crème-filled éclairs in semi-private steam rooms, Coach Holmgren smartly opts for only guy left on the board who he can stand next to that will make him look a little less obese.
24) Packers- Reggie Brown, WR Georgia
25) Packers (draft day trade with Denver)- Roddy White, WR Alabama-Birmingham
As a tribute to the late Reggie White, Green Bay works out a deal to acquire the Broncos’ pick and proceed to take a “Reggie” and a “White”. The Packers also announce that they will be designating one home game this season as Reverend Reggie White Day. For that game, luxury suites will be on sale at discounted prices to all Hispanics who will be encouraged to show their skills by fitting as many of their relatives in the suites as humanly possible.
26) Jets- Thomas Davis, S Georgia
Bored by having nothing to do in the first round this year, Giants fans in attendance boo the pick. This behavior enrages the J!-E!-T!-S! cheerleading fireman who fires back obscenities at the Giants fans. After being challenged to come down from his brother’s shoulders and “take it outside”, everyone in attendance suffers through the awkward moments of realizing for the first time that the J!-E!-T!-S! Cheerleading Fireman and his brother are actually Siamese twins attached at the crotch and back of the neck, respectively. Very awkward.
27) Falcons- Matt Jones, QB/WR Arkansas
A quarterback-turned-wide receiver who runs a 4.4 forty? And he’s white?!?!
Vick and Jones may just wind up being the most exciting black/white combo since Crockett and Tubbs. Or, at the very least, since Todd Bridges & Dana Plato.
28) Chargers- Dan Cody, DE Oklahoma
Two defensive ends named Cody makes for a helluva post-draft press conference with the aging Coach Schottenheimer.
29) Colts- Elton Brown, OG Virginia
Because who needs a defense, really?
30) Steelers- Craphonso Thorpe, WR Florida State
Basically just replacing a Plaxico with a Craphonso.
31) Eagles- Charlie Frye, QB Akron
Rumor has it, not only does his mom know how to heat-up canned soup, but, unlike Donnie Mac, he also knows how to run a two-minute drill.
32) Patriots- Channing Crowder, LB Florida
Best day after draft headline: “Crowder to the Chowders”
Jan 17, 2005
The Curse of Coach Nickerson
Well, it turns out that the road to Jacksonville goes through Pennsylvania. Conference Championship Week is upon us, pitting the four best records in the NFL against one another for the right to participate in Super Bowl XXXIX. The Falcons head north to Philly while the Pats head south to Pittsburgh. Break down the games any way you like but both matchups are really very simple. In Philly, it all boils down to whether the Eagles can contain Mike Vick. In Pittsburgh, it all boils down to whether the Pats can confuse Big Ben and lure him into some big mistakes. And it will all take place in the Keystone State amdist talk of a curse.
That's right, a curse.
Because the Eagles and Steelers have collectivley managed to lose the last seven conference championship games they've played in (all at home) some of their fans are pointing to the existence of a curse. It couldn't possibly be due to their teams being outplayed, outmatched, or outwitted. No, of course not, there must be a curse! Some claim it's the curse of William Penn whose ghostwas apparently angered when his building-topping statue had its' view blocked by a new high-rise. Some in Philly say it's the cure of Michael Irvin who was booed as he was carried out of Veterans Stadium on a stretcher a few years ago. And some say that the curse was placed by a half-man, half-beaver who was gang raped by a group of Steeler fans outside of Erie, PA circa 1985. Although that last theory is quite compelling, all of the theories are wrong. Any sane-minded person will tell you that it's proposterous to believe that ol' Billy Penn would curse his own state, or that Michael Irvin is smart enough to recite incantations, or that some Steeler fans would molest a half-man, half-beaver (half-man, half-donkey maybe, but not a half-man, half-beaver). Let me state this once and for all, loud and clear: There is not a William Penn Curse, there is not a Michael Irvin Curse, and there is not a Curse of the Half-Man, Half-Beaver. Well, not really. Anyone with half a brain knows that the bad luck which has befallen the Eagles and Steelers is completely due to....... The Curse of Coach Nickerson.
Allow me to set the scene: It's the fall of 1983, night of the annual rivalry game between Ampipe High and Walnut Heights High. Ampipe (blue collar sons of miners and out of work factory folk) has put together its' best team in decades & are hoping to knock off perennial powerhouse Walnut Heights (obligatory, hated rich kids) for the first time in almost forever. Ampipe is leading 14 - 10 on a muddy field with rain coming down in buckets and have just stopped Walnut Heights on a 4th & goal and take over on downs at their own one yard line. With just two seconds to go, Coach Nickerson sends in the play. Instead of a kneel-down, he calls for a halfback dive. Rifleman takes the snap from center & hands to Vinnie Salvucci who proceeds to fumble the ball. It's recovered in the end zone by Walnut Heights for the game-winning touchdown as time expires. Final score: Walnut Heights 16, Ampipe 14. Steelworkers gnash their teeth and throw their hats, women and children look away in horror, a muddy & bloody Tom Cruise looks on from the sidelines in shock, in the bleachers Lea Thompson's nipples suddenly go soft, and Salvucci lies in the mud, a broken, weeping, shell of a man.
After the game, blame gets tossed around the lockerroom like Tara Reid at an MTV Awards afterparty. The town of Ampipe decides that Coach Nickerson is to blame and they head out to his house, with torches lit and bags of poo in-hand. After having his home defiled and family threatened, Coach Nickerson packs up the wife & kids and heads for a college job at Cal Poly. The whole story ends seemingly happily as Coach forgives Tom Cruise for throwing garbage on his lawn ("You threw garbage on me, my wife, and my little girl!") and eventually offers him a scholarship to play ball for him in California. However, what we never saw, what got tossed on the cutting room floor, is what Coach Nickerson did on his way out of town.
Still quietly fuming over how he was treated after the big loss, Coach Nickerson put a curse, yes a curse, on not only the town of Ampipe but also on the whole (and I'm using his words here) "the whole dirty fucking crap hole of a state". First, he made a quick trip to the library for a book on spells and incantations. Then, after the purchase of some pigs feet, a few spices & some candles, a few minutes of chanting, and the gang-raping of a half-man, half-beaver, the curse was set. And football in the state of Pennsylvania has never been the same since.
So what effect will that have on this weekends games? Well, it's a curse, so the Eagles and Steelers will lose unless the curse is lifted in time. Duh. The question is: How can the good people of Pennsylvania lift The Curse of Coach Nickerson? Good question, and one that the experts seem divided on. Many mediums tell me that a reverse incantation and gang-rape is the only way to lift the curse. However, Craig T. Nelson says the reverse gang-rape is a terrible idea, that the curse can only be lifted by a ten-year contract by all Pennsylvania tv stations to air reruns of Coach. Fr. Thomas O'Malley of Ampipe's Our Lady of the Blessed Hymen parish says that group prayer and collection plate offerings is the answer. Local astrologist and part-time street whore Melody Lane claims that the curse can be lifted by outdoor love-making when the moon is in the house of Capricorn. Nicole Kidman says the only sure-fire cure is the slow and painful death of Tom Cruise. And the Church of Scientology says the curse can easily be lifted, just go to one of their meetings with checkbook in hand, and they will show you how.
So there you go Keystone State football fans, you now know that there is indeed a curse, where the curse comes from, why it was started, and you've been given a lot of suggestions on how to lift it. Which remedy will work? I don't know. But I do know that you've only got three days, so I suggest you hurry up and try 'em all!
That's right, a curse.
Because the Eagles and Steelers have collectivley managed to lose the last seven conference championship games they've played in (all at home) some of their fans are pointing to the existence of a curse. It couldn't possibly be due to their teams being outplayed, outmatched, or outwitted. No, of course not, there must be a curse! Some claim it's the curse of William Penn whose ghostwas apparently angered when his building-topping statue had its' view blocked by a new high-rise. Some in Philly say it's the cure of Michael Irvin who was booed as he was carried out of Veterans Stadium on a stretcher a few years ago. And some say that the curse was placed by a half-man, half-beaver who was gang raped by a group of Steeler fans outside of Erie, PA circa 1985. Although that last theory is quite compelling, all of the theories are wrong. Any sane-minded person will tell you that it's proposterous to believe that ol' Billy Penn would curse his own state, or that Michael Irvin is smart enough to recite incantations, or that some Steeler fans would molest a half-man, half-beaver (half-man, half-donkey maybe, but not a half-man, half-beaver). Let me state this once and for all, loud and clear: There is not a William Penn Curse, there is not a Michael Irvin Curse, and there is not a Curse of the Half-Man, Half-Beaver. Well, not really. Anyone with half a brain knows that the bad luck which has befallen the Eagles and Steelers is completely due to....... The Curse of Coach Nickerson.
Allow me to set the scene: It's the fall of 1983, night of the annual rivalry game between Ampipe High and Walnut Heights High. Ampipe (blue collar sons of miners and out of work factory folk) has put together its' best team in decades & are hoping to knock off perennial powerhouse Walnut Heights (obligatory, hated rich kids) for the first time in almost forever. Ampipe is leading 14 - 10 on a muddy field with rain coming down in buckets and have just stopped Walnut Heights on a 4th & goal and take over on downs at their own one yard line. With just two seconds to go, Coach Nickerson sends in the play. Instead of a kneel-down, he calls for a halfback dive. Rifleman takes the snap from center & hands to Vinnie Salvucci who proceeds to fumble the ball. It's recovered in the end zone by Walnut Heights for the game-winning touchdown as time expires. Final score: Walnut Heights 16, Ampipe 14. Steelworkers gnash their teeth and throw their hats, women and children look away in horror, a muddy & bloody Tom Cruise looks on from the sidelines in shock, in the bleachers Lea Thompson's nipples suddenly go soft, and Salvucci lies in the mud, a broken, weeping, shell of a man.
After the game, blame gets tossed around the lockerroom like Tara Reid at an MTV Awards afterparty. The town of Ampipe decides that Coach Nickerson is to blame and they head out to his house, with torches lit and bags of poo in-hand. After having his home defiled and family threatened, Coach Nickerson packs up the wife & kids and heads for a college job at Cal Poly. The whole story ends seemingly happily as Coach forgives Tom Cruise for throwing garbage on his lawn ("You threw garbage on me, my wife, and my little girl!") and eventually offers him a scholarship to play ball for him in California. However, what we never saw, what got tossed on the cutting room floor, is what Coach Nickerson did on his way out of town.
Still quietly fuming over how he was treated after the big loss, Coach Nickerson put a curse, yes a curse, on not only the town of Ampipe but also on the whole (and I'm using his words here) "the whole dirty fucking crap hole of a state". First, he made a quick trip to the library for a book on spells and incantations. Then, after the purchase of some pigs feet, a few spices & some candles, a few minutes of chanting, and the gang-raping of a half-man, half-beaver, the curse was set. And football in the state of Pennsylvania has never been the same since.
So what effect will that have on this weekends games? Well, it's a curse, so the Eagles and Steelers will lose unless the curse is lifted in time. Duh. The question is: How can the good people of Pennsylvania lift The Curse of Coach Nickerson? Good question, and one that the experts seem divided on. Many mediums tell me that a reverse incantation and gang-rape is the only way to lift the curse. However, Craig T. Nelson says the reverse gang-rape is a terrible idea, that the curse can only be lifted by a ten-year contract by all Pennsylvania tv stations to air reruns of Coach. Fr. Thomas O'Malley of Ampipe's Our Lady of the Blessed Hymen parish says that group prayer and collection plate offerings is the answer. Local astrologist and part-time street whore Melody Lane claims that the curse can be lifted by outdoor love-making when the moon is in the house of Capricorn. Nicole Kidman says the only sure-fire cure is the slow and painful death of Tom Cruise. And the Church of Scientology says the curse can easily be lifted, just go to one of their meetings with checkbook in hand, and they will show you how.
So there you go Keystone State football fans, you now know that there is indeed a curse, where the curse comes from, why it was started, and you've been given a lot of suggestions on how to lift it. Which remedy will work? I don't know. But I do know that you've only got three days, so I suggest you hurry up and try 'em all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)