That's right, this is my bye week. While I relax with a few coldies and pilfer through some of my daughter's Halloween candy, I hope you will enjoy these random kick-ass videos and check out the matchups listed below.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today, and four words sum up how I feel about the sports world right now.
Boston can suck it.
The Patriots are 7-0 and have four Super Bowl rings. The Red Sox are four wins away from their second title in three years. Boston College is currently #2 in the BCS rankings. And, the Celtics recently traded for KG & Jesus and look to be on their way back to the promised land.
If that’s not enough, their fans still have the nerve to sport an air of entitlement, playing the “we suff-ahd so long, we deserve this wicked run” card. You know what, take your baked beans, your chowder, your pasty-white-legged women, and go drive your used Mercedes right into the fucking haa-buh. Oh, and your closer is clearly gay (evidence below)
Also, your DH likes it freaky. Here’s a recently obtained private photo of Manny spraying his man seed all over Big Papi…
Oh and your first baseman likes to watch…
Wow. Goggles? Just exactly what is Manny sporting down there, a freaking fire hose?
You know, I used to root for the Sox. Yep, when they were suffering the Curse of the Bambino and their fans were jumping off bridges with every late season meltdown, their accents, angst, and excessive alcohol consumption seemed kinda cute. But now that (due to a horribly flawed payroll structure in the game) they’ve been winning, and winning big, the angst has turned into arrogance, they refer to themselves superiorly as Red Sox Nation, and they come across like a bunch of loudmouthed, cheering-way-too-loud parents watching their thirteen year olds putting the wood to some ten year olds. Seriously, look at that team; Schilling, Beckett, Manny, Ortiz, Daiske, Varitek, Drew,… there’s only two other places that could possibly house that many mega-millionaire stars- the Betty Ford Clinic and Yankee Stadium.
I know it’s not the team’s fault, their ownership is simply working within the parameters of the game as it currently exists, but their fans are getting waaay too excited and it’s starting to piss me off.
Newsflash for Red Sox fans: YOU’RE TEAM SHOULD BE WINNING. THEY HAVE AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OVER 80% OF THE LEAGUE. CALM DOWN AND QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU JUST SLAYED A DRAGON. YOUR TEAM IS THE DRAGON. ALSO, BEN AFFLECK IS A HORRIBLE GAY ACTOR AND THAT CREAM PIE OF YOURS IS ACTUALLY A CAKE.
Nobody else has said it but I’ll go ahead and say it- the Red Sox’ success is tainted. That’s right, tainted. When baseball fans look back at this era (if there are any baseball fans left), they’ll look and recall two things: steroids and payroll imbalance. Hell, if you contend that Bonds’ HR record deserves an asterisk because his steroid use gave him an unfair advantage, don’t you also have to consider the unfair advantage for the large-market teams? Tell me, who had the bigger advantage over their competition, Bonds with some added muscle and hat size or the Red Sox, Yankees, and Mets with payrolls four, five, six times the size of their competition?
So go ahead and give Bonds an asterisk. You’ll get no argument from me. But while you’re at it, slap a double asterisk and a ?! onto the Red Sox and Yankees championship banners. You want a dynasty, go see the Oakland A’s and Cincinnati Reds of the 70’s. Look over to the Lakers and your beloved Celtics of the 80’s. How about Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain, or how ‘bout dem Cowboys of the 90’s? Kryszewski’s Dukies, Wooden’s Bruins, even Pat Summit’s Lady Vols,…. Those were all teams that dominated without an unfair advantage. Those were teams and fan bases with the right to stick out their chests. The Red Sox are simply taking advantage of a situation while they can as Red Sox Nation pays witness and offers up standing ovations.
So, am I jealous? You’re goddamn right I’m jealous. But you know what quickly puts a smile back on my face? Knowing that Red Sox fans from here forward can only feel relieved, but never exhilarated. They were a fan base fueled for decades by the possibility of feeling the exhilarating rush that only the underdogs, the cursed, and fans of the underdogs and cursed could ever experience when overcoming seemingly unbeatable odds and reaching the pinnacle. They huddled together in their misery, wrapped themselves in it like it was a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night. It was a tie that binded their generations of their fans together. It also created an identity for their town. An exposed weakness which gave it an endearing quality. And now, sadly for them, it's been lost forever. Now they’re expected to win. Anything less is failure. Now they’re no different than what they themselves forever despised. Red Sox fans are now no different than.... Yankee fans. They too have become the hunted, the hated, and the never satisfied.
Meanwhile, those Rockies have won 21 of their last 22 and their fans would love nothing more than to feel that rush. There's only one fall classic. There's can be only one champion. There's only one...ROCKTOBER!
I'll bet Dane Cook is a card carrying member of Red Sox Nation. Stupid fuckface. Bleh, just mocking him makes me feel dirty. Ooh, and if I feel dirty, that can mean only one thing- it's time for this week's matchups!
Florida at Georgia- The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! I’ll have some rum punch and my buddy Johnny B here would like one of your finest appletinis. And no, he’s not gay. At least not since that last trip to Vegas.
USC at Oregon- The Cheerleader Posedown comes early this week!!! God bless tight white sweaters and upskirt photos…
Cal at Arizona State- If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, there’s absolutely no good reason why Cal hasn’t changed their nickname from the Bears to the Ripkens.
Colts at Panthers- Three words: Vinny. Testa. Verde. Didn’t he used to play against Payton’s dad? And his grandpa?
Lions at Bears- Where are the Tigers? Oh my, we’re missing the tigers. We need the tigers!
Oh, here they are…
Steelers at Bengals- Little known fact: Bengals running back Kenny Watson is the nephew of Randy Watson, lead singer of Sexual Chocolate.
Little known fact #2: TJ Houshmandzadeh is third in line to the throne of Zmunda. The proof is in the pony tail.
Giants at Dolphins (in London)- I guess the Fish figure since they can’t win one in the states, they’d try to go across the pond and try their luck over there. Also, since they are in London, the NFL’s marketing department has temporarily changed the Giants to the “Chips” for this contest. And I gotta tell ya, whoever had the idea for the poster of Strahan squeezing Cleo Lemon onto the basket of Fish & Chips is a freaking genius.
Eagles at Vikings- That loud sound you heard last week was the Eagles window of opportunity slamming shut. Jeff Garcia propped it open with a stick last November but it just couldn’t hold any longer. (I love metaphors.)
Now to an unbelievable stretch of shitty games. Amazingly, three of the following six teams are guaranteed to get a win this week. Unless of course they tie, which would be even more unbelievable.
Browns at Rams- Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Raiders at Titans- It's Culpepper versus Collins, this Sunday on CBS!
Bills at Jets- J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Texans at Chargers (somewhere that’s not currently on fire)- The only thing hotter than a wild fire fueled by hot Santa Ana winds? The Charger Girls, Helloooo!….
Jaguars at Buccaneers- So once again class, it is very important to have a qualified backup quarterback just in case your starter happens to get injured. Yes, Mr. Del Rio……. Uh, no an undrafted rookie free agent from Florida A&M would not be considered qualified. I think you learned that lesson on Monday night……… Yes, Mr. Del Rio……No, he’s not qualified even if he looks so much like the starter that it’s hard for you to tell the difference……Anyone else have a ques-…Yes, Mr. Del Rio…… No, you’re not allowed to move up your bye week. Now if there are no more legitimate questions, let’s move on to our next topic, appropriate versus non-appropriate tools to use as tangible metaphors in the locker room…
Redskins at Patriots- The big question everyone seems to be asking is whether the Pats will be able to run the table and go 16-0. But what I want to know is, when is that shirt coming off? Rawrrrr!
Saints at Niners- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!
Monday Night
Packers at Broncos- Time for this week’s pop quiz. Which of the following will get higher television ratings in Denver on Monday night? a) The Packers-Broncos game on ESPN b) World Series Game 5 between the Rockies and Red Sox on FOX c) Heroes on NBC d) Reruns of The Real World: Denver on MTV e) The premiere of Mama Squintz’ Polka Dance Party on Public Access Channel 267
Answer: This was a trick question. The most-watched of the choices live will be b). But when you factor in Tivo and DVR recordings, the answer is a tie between a) and b). You seriously didn’t think the answer was going to be e), did you?
No time for a lot of rambling this week. The Dane Cook "There's only one...OCTOBER!!" promos on FOX have caused me to develop some serious homicidal urges. As a matter of fact, as soon as I knock out this post, I'm gonna knock down some tequila, then me and this shovel are setting out on a roadtrip to find Dane Cook's smug little unfunny fuckface. Hell, even the new crop of hacks on SNL are making fun of him already...
Combine him with Tim McCarver's master-of-the-obvious color commentary, Joe Buck's over-rehearsed delivery, the mysterious and unnecessary off days between playoff games, and the ever-too-convenient and viewer-insulting "Hey, look who we just found" shots of Fox tv show cast members in the stands, and I come to just two conclusions: 1) Baseball is in the shitter 2) The NFL is king
And now on with the matchups because, There's only one...Palooza!!!
Michigan State at Ohio State- Two weeks ago, #1 ranked USC lost to Oregon State. Last week, #1 LSU lost to Kentucky. This week, the #1 ranked Buckeyes hope to stop the trend and take care of business in the Horseshoe against Big 10 rival Michigan State. You know, last week I talked about football rivalries and traditions, and Ohio State also has a great one. When the OSU band spells out the script “Ohio” at halftime and the whole dotting of the “i” thingy, it’s goosebumps time, fellas. There’s just something about a high-stepping tuba player that never fails to bring the house down. Personally, I love it so much that I re-create it each and every time I pee in the snow. As is my tradition, with the moonlight reflecting off of freshly fallen backyard snow, I carefully use my man hose to spell out “Ohio” and, right on cue, our garden gnome struts out with his miniature tuba and takes a bow at the top of the “i”. Then, the two of us sing “Hang on Sloopy”, get hammered on jello shots, and drive over to Mama Squintz’ place to take turns dotting her eye (if you know what I mean). Fun times. I like the winter.
Florida at Kentucky- Does UK have it in them to slay two dragons in two weeks? Maybe. Let’s ask Tim McCarver his opinion…. So whaddya think Tim, can Kentucky, fresh off their upset of LSU, turn around and do the same to Florida this Saturday?
"Well, the Wildcats will have sixty minutes to score more points than the Gators. It’s gonna be important for them to score touchdowns and kick field goals. The more, the better. If they do that, I think they have an excellent chance."
Great, thanks Tim.
Titans at Texans- Vince Young is questionable this week while awaiting the results of an MRI on his knee, injured in last week’s loss to the Bucs. But don’t mourn for him, he brought it upon himself.
It was….. his.... Destiny!
….speaking of Madden…
Buccaneers at Lions- As John Madden would say, “So here you’ve got two quarterbacks, Garcia and Kitna. A-huh-ah-ahand what you’ve got is, you got a redhead versus a skinhead. Hubbaderborgodrobvldda, one guy with gay tendencies versus a guy with, you know, God tendencies. It uh, huhdgrblhghehdf, huh-huh, it should be a lotta fun. And I’ll tell ya, the guy who throws for the most touchdowns without throwing interceptions will probably win be the guy who wins this thing.” He and McCarver should really consider becoming a superhero duo. Possibly more from me on that next week. Stay tuned.
Falcons at Saints- Mark my words, the Saints will rebound from their 0-4 start and wind up winning that piss-poor NFC South. Yep, they're gonna take that title like a bully snatches up a free lunch. So what if they spotted the other teams an early lead. You know, it’s kinda like the equivalent of running a 100-yard dash and giving a 25-yard head start to three guys with cerebral palsy. And yes, I know that was very unsensitive. I am sorry. I should never have insulted CP sufferers by comparing them to the Falcons, Bucs, and Panthers. My bad. Who wants a juice box? They're on me.
Ravens at Bills- What’s the over/under on this barnburner? Ten? Maybe eleven? Whatever it is, give me the under. And the remote. I’d rather watch reruns of The Golden Girls. That Blanche was one serious GILF!
Niners at Giants- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to New Jersey!!
Cardinals at Redskins- How about that little QB sit-chee-a-shun they've got going on in Arizona? Leinart’s hurt, Warner’s hurt. Now they’re going with Tim Rattay, backed up by Tim Hasselbeck. Quite frankly, that sucks. But you know what doesn’t suck (or maybe they do. God I hope they do...), the Cards cheerleaders! Brooke and Jen are looking as healthy as ever! Hi girls!
Patriots at Dolphins- 6-0 vs 0-6 No chance for the Fish, you say? Yeah, well, uh, that’s also what they said about Appalachian State a few weeks ago before they went into Ann Arbor and smoked Michigan's ass. It’s also what they said to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team before they iced the Russians in Lake Placid. It’s what they said about Jimmy V’s NC State Wolfpack right before they Phi Slamma Jamma’d the Houston Cougars. It’s what Apollo Creed said to Drago right before he took a 2nd round faceplant with a dirtnap chaser. It’s what they said to…… Um, what's that? Really? Cleo Lemon? Seriously? Hmmmm….
Hey, uh, nevermind.
Chiefs at Raiders- The Chiefs are 27th in the league in points scored. They’re 26th in offensive yardage. They’re 30th in rushing yardage. Their defense is 20th against the run. Damon Huard is their starting quarterback. Add all this up and they are.... 3-3 and tied for first place in the AFC West. Suffice it to say, our reporters are feverishly searching for details of Herm Edwards’ deal with the devil. I will pass along those details if and when they become available.
Jets at Bengals- I hate to say this but this just may be the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Vikings at Cowboys- So if Adrian Peterson is the Purple Jesus and Marvin Lewis is the Black Jesus, just who in the hell is the Blue Jesus?
You know that’s right!
Bears at Tinks (Eagles)- From now on, whoever the Bears play will be referred to as the Tinks. Thanks to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (how ironic), watch below to learn why.
Rams at Seahawks- Much to my surprise, "The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock!" I know the Dolphins are also 0-6 but they get a few cracks at the Jets & Bills, the Rams don’t. BTW, I picked the Rams as my “surprise” team in the NFC this season. Brilliant!
Steelers at Broncos- Hey everybody, it’s time for this week's Cheerleader Posedown!!!
Wow. Just.....wow. I had no idea that DJ Jazzy Jerry's ex-girlfriends were Steeler fans.
Monday Night
Colts at Jaguars- And finally, it's time for this week's pop quiz.
Peyton Manning's parents, Archie and Veronica, said Peyton had a unique habit when he was a youngster. Which of the following was his strange habit? a) Calling his own play-by-play while playing Stratomatic football b) Chewing off the ends of his Nerf footballs c) Dressing up Eli as a girl and going on pretend dates with him in the basement d) Dressing up his own penis in a miniature Saints jersey, drawing the fleur de lis on the head, agressively spanking it, and screaming "Why are you never here, Daddy?!" e) b and d f) all of the above
Answer: e) Except substitute "Nerf football" with "friends' weiners"
