Playoff Palooza aka "The Dirty Dozen"

From thirty two, down to the final twelve. Kinda like week three of The Bachelor. Most of the ugly chicks have been sent home, as well as a couple of hotties that mysteriously didn't make the cut. And among those remaining, there's an older needy broad, a token black chick, and a couple girls with "good personalities" that we know aren't going all the way. There's also a couple skanks who are way hot but also way too skitzo to make it to the end, and there are a couple hose hounds who seem to have just the right mix of looks and game to make them destined for the finals. This is the point that I like to call "The Dirty Dozen". And those of you who know me understand that when I use the word "dirty" in the title, you should brace yourself for some filth. So, before you read any further aloud, make sure the kids are wearing the earmuffs........................
.....Okay, now let's get on with this motherfucker! And to start things off in style, I thought I'd share with you some of Yiddy's email reply after I announced the final regular season Palooza standings. Enjoy...


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
FUCK THE EAGLES I HOPE YOU BASTARDS LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND.
FUCK THE COLTS. PEYTON MANNING I HOPE YOU BREAK YOUR FUCKING ARM.
FUCK THE VIKINGS..FIRE MIKE TICE. FUCK LSU..HOW DO YOU LOSE THAT GAME!!!FUCK THE CHIEFS..YOU SUCK..AND FUCKYOU YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!!!!
happy new year,
Yid


As always, thanks Yid.


Vikings-
Mike Tice's purple pussy farts went 5-1 to 8-8, queefing their way into the back door of the postseason. As a matter of fact, the only game they won in the last five weeks was the gift given to them by the Lions on that botched extra point attempt.
Simply put, his is quite possibly the worst team to ever make the playoffs.



Rams-
Here's our other 8-8 supergroup. I'm just hoping that at some point in the first half, Kyle Turley crashes the party, WWF style, with a couple of tattooed buddies & some folding chairs and proceed to kidnap Coach Doubtfire. Ahh, I can hear it now..........
Joe Buck: "Second and four from the thirty five. Hasselbeck steps under cen-.... "
(FIREWORKS EXPLODE IN THE END ZONE TUNNEL, THE SOUND OF HEAVY METAL BLARES THROUGH THE LOUDSPEAKERS)
Aikman: "Joe, that's Kyle Turley's music!"
Buck: "What in the hell is HE doing here?!"
(TURLEY COMES OUT OF THE SMOKE, THE UNDERTAKER AND KANE ON EITHER SIDE, ALL HOLDING FOLDING CHAIRS, AND TURLEY POINTS DIRECTLY AT COACH DOUBTFIRE. CUT TO SHOT OF COACH DOUBTFIRE, PANIC-STRICKEN AND SUDDENLY HIDING BEHIND ORLANDO PACE)
Aikman: "I think he's looking for a peice of Mike Martz."
Collinsworth: "He ought to be looking for a therapist."
Buck: " Oh no, Turley and his goons are charging the field! Somebody get them out of here!"
Aikman: "They've got Martz, Joe. And I could be wrong, but it looked as if the entire St. Louis sidelines just stepped back & let them through."
Buck: "Now what are they doing? Oh God! They're putting him in a coffin! They're putting Mike Martz in a coffin!"......



Seahawks-
Seattle Seahawks, Champions of the NFC West!
Hey, isn't that kinda like winning a beauty contest in a burn unit? Well, with an opeining round game at home against the Rams, followed by a potential date with the rusty, T.O.-less Eagles, these ugly sea bitches may just hang around for a couple weeks.



Packers-
I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this team. So I'll let my good friend Triumph the Insult Comic Dog say a few words.......
"Ahh, thank you Smitty. Green Bay, huh? What a great town.....FOR ME TO POOP ON!! I once shtooped a St. Bernard in Green Bay. She was crazy for the anal, but gave me a real bad case of the syph. Hey, what are you laughing at Al Harris? You with the dreadlocks. You look like you have a long-haired Puli sitting spread-eagle on top of your head. And you, don't you laugh, Mr. Brett Favre. All this hoopla about starting 200 games in a row. Fuck you, I could start 200 in a row too if I was gargling pain pills. You gargle the pain pills like Jeff Garcia gargles man-goo. Speaking of man-goo, where is Kamangoo Biajala-Guatemala? Your name sounds like a Haitian hump-hump bar. Ah, but I shouldn't pick on you, you're a big dude. You're one of those defensive ends like Reggie White. That reminds me of a joke: Hey Green Bay, what do Vince Lombardi, Reggie White, and Lassie all have in common?....... They're all dead! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the Snausages, they're delish."


Falcons-
Intersting fact: Not since Joe Theisman's 1988 Redskins has an NFC team won the Super Bowl while being led by a quarterback with a penis shorter than five inches.
Upon being made aware of this news, Mike Vick replied, "No worries fellas, I'm large and in charge. Most guys walk up to a chick and stick their dick in. Not me. I stick my dick in, then walk up to the chick. I'm Mike Vick, bitches!"




Eagles- I've got three words for Andy Reid: Eat. More. Fiber.

I've also got three words for Donovan McNabb: Yo'. Momma's. Hot.

And I've got three words for Terrell Owens: Mother. Fucking. Karma, baby!

Broncos- Now that Jake Plummer has grown a beard, doesn't he just look like a hairy vagina with teeth?

Jets- Being completely Ob-Jec-Tive here, Chad Pennington is kinda suckin'.

Chargers- I like this team. I really like this team. And what's not to like? I like the city they play in. I like those powder blue unis they break out every now and then. I like LT. I like Antonio Gates. I like the fact that Junior Seau no longer plays for them. I like that Eli Manning spurned them and is now sitting at Shockey's house watching the playoffs on tv. I like that Coach Schottenheimer's daughter fucked my old college roommate. I even like that creepy thing on Drew Brees' cheek. What the hell is that thing, anyway? A shit stain? A bad accident with a permanent marker? A tattoo of Indonesia? Or, to quote Austin Powers in Goldmember, a "moley-moley-moley-moley-moley-moley-moley!"?

Colts- Some people say this team is soft. And sure, they may be. Hell, they may be as soft as Nathan Lane's penis in the lap dance room at Bristol's. But, with all do respect, I don't think Nathan Lane's penis regularly gets into the "end zone" five times a night.

Patriots- The defending Super Bowl champs are 14-2, have a first round bye, and get their first playoff game at home. So why does it feel like there's no way they make the Super Bowl? Well, their offensive coordinator has one foot in Foxboro and one foot in South Bend, while their defensive coordinator has been given permission to interview for the Brown's head coaching position. I think Jim Morrison said it best when he said, "This is the end, Beautiful friend. This is the end, My only friend, The end......Father, yes son, I want to kill you. Mother...I want to...fuck you" That Jim Morrison was such a card.

Steelers- I hate to say it but this team is good. Real good. They're well coached, they play smart, they hit hard, and they've got a QB straight outta' Miami University. The question is- What other AFC team can put a defense on the field to stop Deuce & the Bus behind that kickass offensive line? And the bigger question is- Just how much pelt do you think Big Ben has scored over the last four months in Western Pennsylvania? I figure he's had to have earned at least 40-50 beaver badges so far, right?