So I’m watching tv last night and I see another one of those commercials with the Miller Lite referees whistling people for drinking beers that allegedly have “less taste” than Miller Lite. It got me to thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could drop a yellow flag on people we saw doing stupid shit? I mean, there are a lot of stupid people on this big revolving ball of gas, doing a lot of stupid things all the time. Let me give you some examples and let’s start with the lady I saw pushing a stroller down Pleasant Ave. on Monday. She had a little girl asleep in the stroller, not strapped in, sliding out of the front of the stroller, feet dragging on the concrete. Nice parental awareness. That stupid broad needed to be whistled, flagged, and hit with an Unmotherlike Conduct penalty. Just run up, whistle blaring, and pelt her in the side of the head with a yellow hanky. Then there was the fella yesterday at Lowe’s who had on his Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, black dress shoes, and black dress socks PULLED ALL THE WAY UP TO HIS KNEES. Tweeeeet! Clearly a violation of the league’s uniform policy and deserving of a hefty fine. Oh, and how about the cracksmoker I saw at Burger King? This dillhole must’ve pumped on the obviously-empty ketchup dispenser at least 25 times before finally realizing that no red, tomotoey goodness was ever going to come out. Tweeeeet! That’s ten yards for Unnecessary Roughness on the stainless steel ketchup thingy. Repeat first down, fuckface.
That's just a small sampling from the last two days of my life. And I’m sure all of you could come up with just as many infractions to report as well. Things that make you just want to go “Jeff Tripplett on Orlando Brown” and whiz that weighted yellow flag right into somebody’s orbital socket. This would not only be therapeutic for the non-ignorant members of our society, but would also serve as much-needed deterrents against the stupidity of dumb fuckers everywhere. And let’s not kid ourselves- there are a LOT of dumb fuckers around. Don't believe me? Okay then, how do you explain Hee Haw being on the air for almost twenty years? Stupid southerners. What about the successes of Ashlee Simpson and Ryan Cabrera? Stupid kids. The popularity of The View? Stupid pent-up housewives. The need for warning labels on bottles of lemon-flavored dishwashing liquid? Stupid bachelors. The re-hiring of Norv Turner as an NFL head coach? Stupid Al Davis.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Stupidity knows no bounds. Not gender, not race, not creed, not age...... No class of people anywhere is safe from being in very close proximity to mind-boggling stupidity at all times. Yep, there are a lot of stupid people. Some of these people are born stupid. Some gradually get stupid. Some find stupidity in a bottle of Jack Daniels. Me, I found stupidity while develpoing unhealthy addictions to sports, pop culture, the appearance of my lawn, and underage midget-on-midget porn.
Where did you find your stupidity? Well, you had to find it somewhere, 'cause I hate to break it to you but..... we're all stupid. Yes, even you Bill Gates. You too, Alan Greenspan. Even you, Pauly Shore. Sure, some are more stupid than others and virtually nobody is stupid all the time (at least not outside of West Virginia). The key is to know when you're being stupid and to quickly put a stop to it. That's precisely why I propose Stupidity Refs. Guys paid to follow us around, constantly assessing and closely monitoring our actions, signalling first downs, touchdowns, incompletions, as well as (and most importantly) flagging us for our behavioral violations, stopping the clock, and letting us regroup. You don’t think Tom Cruise could’ve used a Stupidity Ref during the first of his series of “look-at-me-I’m-a-whack-job-now” interviews a couple months ago? Or Evander Holyfield after the first of many embarrassing episodes prancing around on Dancing with the Stars? Or Mama Squintz after the first of her tequila-fueled one night stands with assorted ABA players back in the early Seventies? They all certainly would’ve benefited from a quick flag and a re-huddling to set them back on the right course.
Stupidity Refs. We need ‘em.
To see how they might work, let's take the Stupidity Refs for a test run through this week's slate of games. Follow me………
Dolphins at Bills-
Illegal Procedure, impersonating a quarterback; JP Losman. Five yard penalty and loss of starting job.
Patriots at Falcons-
Illegal use of a herpes-infected penis; Ron Mexico. Fifteen yard penalty and loss of feeling in your nuts.
Ravens at Lions-
We have multiple infractions on the play. Personal foul, unnecessary roughness,... Stabbing... on number 51, Ray Lewis. Also, Illegal Shift.....of drugs.....number 31, Jamal Lewis. Both players have been ejected and taken to county prison. First down!
Saints at Packers-
Unsportsmanlike Conduct, ruining Brett Favre's farewell tour; on the entire Packers team and coaching staff. Congratulations, that's ten yard penalty and loss of a hall of famer. Nice work.
Bears at Browns-
Illegal Procedure, both coaches with gay first names; Lovie and Romeo. The penalties offset. Replay the down.
Seahawks at Rams-
Personal Foul, Roughing the buffet table; Mike Holmgren. Fifteen yard penalty and $50 fine for not leaving any gravy for anyone else.
Redskins at Broncos-
There are two infractions on the offense- Too many players in the huddle; Mike Shannahan's teeth. That penalty is declined. Also, an Illegal Chopper Block; also on Mike Shannahan's teeth. That penalty is accepted. Fifteen yards and his bicuspids have been ejected.
Bucs at Jets-
Illegal Procedure.....Over-the-Hill Wop quarterback lined up under Center. Five yard penalty and loss of the rest of your season.
Titans at Texans-
Porno 'stache lined up in the neutral zone. Five yard penalty and loss of dignity.
Colts at Niners-
Intentional Pounding.........of the Niners. No loss of down or distance. Why? 'Cause Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!, that's why.
Eagles at Cowboys-
Illegal use of a sweet black ass; Mama McNabb. Ten yard penalty and loss of those big ole panites.
Panthers at Cardinals-
Illegal use of a fat black ass; Denny Green. Thirty five yard penalty to get him way far the fuck away from me.
Bengals at Jaguars-
Too many Johnsons on the field; Cincinnati. Five yard penalty and Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!
(Monday Night) Steelers at Chargers-
Illegal coochie to my old roommate's unit; Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. Ten yard penalty and loss of hymen. (Seriously, that's still not gotten old for me yet.)
Cal at UCLA-
Oregon at Arizona State-
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