Thanksgiving’s a strange name for a holiday, isn't it? I’m not sure why, probably because it’s one of those compound words with a verb in it, like bloodletting or bedwetting. Maybe it should be called Pilgrims and Indians Power Lunch Day, or I Can’t Believe I’m Actually Related to These People Day, or maybe just officially go ahead and simply change it to Turkey Day. Better yet, let’s keep it real and call it what it really is- Socially Acceptable Gluttony Day. Yes!
It is what it is and we are what we are. And what we are is a self-absorbed, gluttonous nation with a desperate need to constantly be entertained. No, not all of us. Just me. And everyone else I know. Thanksgiving brings this self absorption, gluttony, and entertainment to the table simultaneously like no other holiday can. You spend most of the day embellishing your accomplishments for the year, surrounded by more food than you could possibly eat, drinking for free, watching football and placing side bets on whether great Uncle Ed’s dentures are going to fall out as he valiantly takes on yet another ear of buttered corn on the cob. It’s honestly just some bright lights and a bunny ranch away from having your own little Vegas vacation right in the comfort of your own home. String up some Christmas lights, make sure cousin Billy invites his stripper/junior college student baby’s mama, log onto an offshore gambling site and suddenly you’ve reached “What happens in the living room, stays in the living room” Level.
And this year it’s again extended by another three hours or so. That’s right, thanks to the good people at The NFL Network, we again have a Turkey Day Tripleheader! And it’s not just one more football game (which in and of itself would be fantastic enough). No, it’s not only the added game that’s got me excited, it’s the extension of the day and the amount of time that families will feel obligated to spend with one another. Sure it’s just three more hours, but those three extra hours, at the end of an evening of too much food and too much alcohol, exponentially increases the potential for all sorts of good stuff to happen. And by "good stuff" I of course mean things that can ruin family dynamics and cause wills to be changed.
It’s three more hours that Aunt Sally has to hold her tongue about Aunt Mildred’s dry stuffing. Three more hours than Uncle Pete has to keep from dropping an A-bomb in the only downstairs bathroom. Three more hours for cousin Randy to hold off the urge to sneak away & light up a doobie out in the garage. Three more hours for Uncle Frank to resist the urge to whack ultra-opinionated Uncle Ned in the head with one of Grandma’s brass candlesticks. Three more hours for cousin Derek and half-cousin Amy to keep their newfound sexual relationship a secret. And three more hours for everyone to try and keep themselves from calling out Aunt Mildred, Uncle Pete, Cousin Randy, Uncle Frank, Uncle John, Cousin Derek, and Half-Cousin Amy as being, respectively, a bad cook, a stanky ass, a drug addict, a violent drunk, a jackass, and a couple of borderline in-breeders. Odds are, somebody's gonna crack.
Yep, it very well could happen. And if it does, a magical thing will occur; Memories will be created. That's what the holidays are all about, aren't they? Creating memories to share and last a lifetime? And if no one cracks? Well, then we'll just have to settle for three more hours of getting to know one another a little bit better. Maybe share a few extra laughs, share some knowledge, lend a compassionate ear, offer some kind words, or maybe re-tell some forgotten stories. Either way it's a win-win. Plus, if you don't feel like all that touchy-feely stuff, you can just mix in a few sleeping pills with the tryptophan, chase 'em with some Wild Turkey, and drift off while watching that extra football game.
Happy Socially Acceptable Gluttony Day!
Now, on with the matchups….
Packers at Lions-
I’m thankful for four main things: my family, my friends, my health, and that I don’t reside in Detroit. The Packers, like the Vikings and Bears, are thankful that the Lions reside in the NFC North. The Lions defense is allowing a staggeringly awful average of 30 points per game this season. They’re allowing more people in their end zone than Adam Lambert vacationing at the Key West Pridefest. Vaseline anyone?
Pick: Packers, 34 – 24
Raiders at Cowboys-
If they don’t crack double digits this week, it may be time to go ahead and put a picture of the Cowboys offense on the side of a milk carton.
Pick: Cowboys, 24 – 16
Giants at Broncos-
Over their first six games, Denver went 6-0 and allowed a total of just 66 points. Since their bye week, the Donkeys have gone 0-4 and allowed 117 points. This is the type of sudden decline in performance usually only seen with women after vows are exchanged and factory workers after signing a union contract.
Pick: Giants, 19 – 10
Dolphins at Bills-
Well look who decided to come down from his room and join the party. T.O. finally earned his keep, putting up 190-something yards receiving last week. ….And the Bills still lost. That’s a shame. Not for T.O. Screw T.O. It was a shame for interim coach Perry Fewell who saw what would’ve been his first win as an NFL head coach slip away in the final minute. I like Fewell when he was fronting Jane’s Addiction and I’ll quietly root for him while he’s in charge in Buffalo. COMIN’ DOWN THE MOUNTAIN! Good luck this week, Perry. I think you’re gonna need it- your boys are #31 defending the run and the Wildcat is coming to town.
What’s that? Farrell? Will Farrell? Will Farrell wasn’t in Jane’s Addiction. Perry Farrell? Who? Oh. Oooooh, okay.
Pick: Dolphins, 27 – 17
Buccaneers at Falcons-
If you watch the Bills and think to yourself, “Man, these guys couldn’t stop a blind three-legged turtle.”, just turn the channel to the Succaneers and you’ll think to yourself, “Man, these guys couldn’t stop a blind one-legged turtle with a social anxiety disorder.” And if you watch a re-airing of Sunday nights American Music Awards, you’ll think to yourself, “Man, that Lady Gaga sure looks like the malnourished two-legged, shell-less unholy spawn of Edgar Winter, Liza Minnelli and an unwilling snapping turtle.” Yes, I know, I have issues. Whatevs.
Pick: Falcons, 30 – 16
Skins at Shirts (Eagles)-
The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour heads to Philly!
Pick: Eagles, 20 - 13
Seahawks at Rams-
It's our Tryptophan Game of the Week!
Seriously, this matchup could quickly put even the most hardcore methamphetamine addict into a deep coma. Pass the gravy.
Pick: Seahawks, 24 – 13
Panthers at Jets-
How do you think Rex Ryan eats his Thanksgiving turkey? White meat first? Dark meat first? With stuffing? Without stuffing? Personally, I think he eats it like the dog on Tom & Jerry- holding it by a leg, he wraps his jowls and big ass choppers around it & pulls the whole thing clean off the bone, then sticks out his tongue and licks his whole face clean.
J! – E! – T! – S! Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!
Pick: Panthers, 17 – 16
Browns at Bengals-
If last Sunday in Oakland proved anything, it’s that the Bengals offense without Cedric Benson is like Benson without Robert Guillaume. It’s just a scary German maid, a bumbling governor, a pompous Englishman, and a little blonde girl with pigtails making a mess in the kitchen. Lucky for the Bengals, the Browns offense with Brady Quinn is about as imposing as Bobby Brady wearing his hall monitor arm band.
God, I watched too much tv as a kid.
That reminds me, it wouldn’t be a proper Thanksgiving in Cincinnati be without revisiting this clip….
You’re welcome.
Pick: Bengals, 30 – 16
Colts at Texans-
A couple weeks ago, the Texans outplayed the Colts but let them escape up in Indy. Now the Texans are reeling and the Colts are still undefeated, finding ways to eke out wins each week. Will Matt Schaub & Co. get revenge in Houston? Will Peyton and his posse remain undefeated? Find out this Sunday on a very special episode of Colts vs Texans.
Pick: Texans, 30 - 27
Chiefs at Chargers-
Chiefs…. Chargers…. They both begin with a “Ch”. You know what else begins with a “Ch”? Chuck E. Cheese, Chester Cheetah, Charlie Chan, and Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Chargers, 31 – 17
Jaguars at Niners-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!
Pick: Niners, 23 – 21
Bears at Vikings-
I hope Chicago still has the store receipt for Jay Cutler. If they’re lucky, they’ll be permitted to return him for a store credit or something of equal or lesser current value, like Rex Grossman or a bag of Funyuns.
Pick: Vikings, 24 - 16
Cardinals at Titans-
My sources are just now getting me some details on Vince Young’s alleged deal with the devil. Young gets his starting job back and a half a season of All-Pro caliber play in exchange for his soul, his first born, one of his autographed University of Texas jerseys, and hidden camera footage of Jeff Fisher trimming his stuffing duster and humming the theme to Magnum, P.I.
Pick: Titans, 26 – 24
Steelers at Ravens-
Big Ben suffered concussion-like symptoms last week in KC. Now he has to recover in time to try and play against the Ravens this Sunday. Going into Baltimore and trying to play with a head injury is like climbing into a roller coaster with a case of the squirts. It can only end two ways: messy and embarrassing.
Pick: Ravens, 20 - 10
Monday Night
Patriots at Saints-
The Saints are trying to stay undefeated, the Pats are gunning for a first round bye, it’s Brees vs Brady, Belichick trying to redeem himself after the Indy debacle, etc, etc, etc. But what I’m really thinking about when I think of “Boston” and “Saints” this week is the limited release of Boondock Saints II. After ten long years, the McManus brothers are back! If you’ve never seen the first one, shame on you, and yes, you can borrow it.
Pick: The Saints are comin’! Saints, 30 - 27
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