So there’s just about two weeks until Christmas and I just minutes ago finished my wish list to mail off to Santa. Actually, now that Santa finally has an email address and that Blackberry I got him for his birthday, I was able to just send a text via my iPod Touch that he can retrieve while he’s making his rounds checking on the elves and the reindeer. Apparently the 3rd shift elves like to hit the Stoli pretty hard and come up with some wacky stuff. Remember the Land of the Misfit Toys? Exactly. Anyway, I struggled with my list this year, so many things I want, so few things I really need, but in the end I believe I was able to craft a pretty reasonable number of manageable request. And because I don’t mind sharing my hopes and dreams with you, here’s a sampling of some of the items from my list….
Mad Men season 3 on DVD
A home playoff win for the Bengals
A case of Boddington’s Pub Ale
A Steelers-free playoffs
A Patriots-free Super Bowl
A Tag Heuer Grand Carrera chronograph watch
The mysterious disappearance of Keith Olbermann
A Sugar Bowl victory for UC
Another year at UC for Brian Kelly
A healthy year for my family
A healthy Domata Peko
A loaded $84,500 Chipotle gift card
More of Carrie Underwood
Less of Carrie Underwood’s clothes
More of Anna Faris
Less of Tina Fey
The mysterious disappearance of Lady Gaga
A new Hines Ward voodoo doll
Two tickets and roundtrip airfare to go to the final stop on The Jim Zorn Farewell Tour in San Diego on Jan. 3
A case of Miller High Life
A signed copy of Brett Farve’s deal with the devil
A huge stocking filled with Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish, and Sno Caps
Another huge stocking filled with Salma Hayek
The mysterious disappearance of Dane Cook
A replica Brady Quinn Least Valuable Player trophy
More Ed Hochuli
Less Jeff Triplette
A contract to represent Nebraska’s Ndamakong Suh in next spring’s NFL Draft
A pair of Nike all-weather golf gloves
The Patron 4-bottle gift set and a signed Ochocinco sombrero
The mysterious disappearance of Perez Hilton
The official C.I.A. Manual of Trickery and Deception
A copy of Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds on Blue Ray
A crack at the Buffalo Bills head coaching job
A free swing of the shovel at the back of the following ESPNers melons:
Neil Everett, Scott Van Pelt, Stuart Scott, Mark May, and of course, Chris Berman
The mysterious disappearance of Neil Everett , Scott Van Pelt, Stuart Scott, Mark May, and Chris Berman
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: A Very Sunny Christmas on DVD
A trained attack penguin
A bottle of Jim Beam Red Stag
An Eric Mangini FAIL poster
More of The Albert Brothers
Less of the Buffer Brothers
Everything made by North Face
A Toyota Tundra Midnight Rider Tailgater
The mysterious disappearance of Joy Behar
A Bears Jay Cuntler jersey
A St. Louis Rams I Believe….We Stink t-shirt
A large Chester’s Pizza with pepperoni, onion, bacon and extra cheese
The official Tony Romo’s How to Kill a Promising Season handbook
What’s left of Bruce Gradkowski’s fifteen minutes
A change in social attitudes towards terrycloth robes as acceptable on-the-town evening wear
and…
A lock of Jeff Fisher’s mustache hair
Now on with the matchups….
Thursday Night
Steelers at Browns-
The Steelers four game losing streak proves, among other things, that without a doubt their most indispensible player is Troy Polamalu. Take his athleticism and football IQ off the field and even pedestrian offenses like the Chiefs and Raiders can score on them with the game on the line. If I were Mike Tomlin, until Polamalu returns, I think I’d have to slap a Samoan wig and a tinted face shield onto a backup safety just to confuse the opposing quarterback & get in his head for a couple of series. If he were to do that against the Browns, he could probably create a good deal of confusion for at least the entire first half. Am I saying that Brady Quinn is stupid? Maybe. Am I saying that during games he often has the same look on his face as people do right before Ashton Kutcher jumps out to let them know they’ve been Punk’d? Yes I am.
Pick: Steelers, 24 – 13
Sunday
Saints at Falcons-
Watching the Saints beat the Patriots a couple weeks ago, I was amazed by how much noise Saints fans can make now that they’re not wearing bags over their heads. Watching Falcons fans cheer their former and Eagles current quarterback Mike Vick last week, I was amazed by how quickly people forgive their heroes for doing unspeakable things. Watching MTV’s new show The Jersey Shore, I was amazed by how inclined I (would feel if I were single) felt to want to put a bag over J-Woww‘s head and unspeakable things to her.
Pick: Falcons, 28 -27
Broncos at Colts-
A bronco is defined as An untrained or partially trained horse or pony of western North America. A colt is defined as A male horse of not more than four years of age. So a bronco could be a colt. And a colt could be a bronco. A colt could also be a charger (A horse trained for battle; a cavalry horse), but a bronco could not be a charger. Although I suppose you could train a bronco to be a charger. It’s like one of those questions you’d find on some aptitude test. Anyway, what I wanted to prove but didn’t was that the Broncos are not like the Colts (undefeated) although they were just like them (undefeated) just a few weeks ago. So can Kyle Orton lead the Broncos in putting an end to the Colts perfect run? No. Can Elvis Dumervil and Champ Bailey lead the Broncos in putting an end to the Colts perfect run? Yes. And is it ironic, given the aforementioned hippological definitions, that Reggie Wayne is a Colt and Brandon Marshall is a Bronco? No, it’s not ironic, it’s simple appropriate.
Pick: Broncos, 23 -21
Bills at Chiefs-
If you invented a device that could measure a person’s level of excitement, hooked me up to it and presented me with 50-yard line tickets to this game, within seconds you’d be checking the device’s batteries to see why it didn’t seem to be working.
Pick: Bills, 20 – 16
Lions at Ravens-
It seemed like each time ESPN gave us a sideline shot of Joe Flacco on Monday night, he had this look on his face of a teenage boy who’d just gotten his driver’s license and proceeded to accidentally back over the family dog. On the flip side, Matthew Stafford is carrying himself like he’s the 2008 version of Joe Flacco- confident and hungry, flinging the ball down the field and trying to make a statement. This could be a dangerous game for Baltimore. They’re coming off of a short week and if Ed Reed’s still out, they have a group of DBs that Calvin Johnson could eat for lunch. And despite the Lions unmentioned shortcomings, they’re playing with a hunger in their belly, unlike the Ravens who are playing like they just gobbled down a plate of bad oysters.
Pick: Lions, 20 -14
Dolphins at Jaguars-
Quite possibly the Most Intriguing Game of the week. Here we have two teams who’ve each quietly gotten themselves into serious wildcard contention. The fact that Jack Del Rio has the Jags at 7-5 with nothing more than MJD as a viable weapon just increases his stock as a head coach, not to mention what it does for my buddy Johnny B’s man-crush on him. And the fact that the Fish are winning and beating the Patriots without Ronnie Brown shows me that Coach Sporano’s mustache is beginning to develop Jeff Fisher-like powers. It’s a battle of running games, a battle for a wildcard spot, a battle for Florida, and it’s a special Sunshine State edition of Cheerleader Posedown Time!
Pick: Dolphins, 24 – 17
Jets at Buccaneers-
J! – E! – T! – S! Suck!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
B! – U! – C! – S! Suck Even More!!!
Pick: Jets, 20 -10
Bengals at Vikings-
You know, if Brett Favre would’ve stayed with the Falcons, he could’ve been the first active player to ever wear his own throwback jersey. Dude’s in his 40’s. I’m in my 40’s. I don’t know how he does it. If I carry my one year old around too much or sleep in the wrong position, I’m applying heating pads and popping Advil like their Tic Tacs. Here’s hoping he hit The Wall last week in Arizona and pulls out one of his patented four-INT games this Sunday.
Pick: Vikings, 24 – 16 (I said hoping, not expecting)
Packers at Bears-
My buddy Squints is in pretty bad shape right now. He’s got the H1N1, he’s recovering from hip surgery, has a pinched nerve in his neck, an exposed filling, and a raging case of herpes. But despite all of his maladies, he still feels better than your average Bears fan right about now. I’m kidding, he doesn’t have a pinched nerve. That’s another buddy, Pete. He’s a Bears fan who hurt his neck by banging it repeatedly into his coffee table a couple Sundays ago. Now sure, the Bears won last week but it was against the Rams and a banged-up Stephen Jackson who was playing with an injured back and still managed to rush for a buck twelve against them, so I don’t think that really qualifies as much of a win.
What’s really got to be making Bears fans feel most ill is the play of Jay Cutler. They gave away high future draft picks for this guy plus gave him a big new contract which would kill their cap if they gave him away anytime soon. They must feel like a dude who’s married a girl for her looks and family fortune alone, only to wake up on the honeymoon to find that she used to be a man and her dad had all of his money invested with some broker named Madoff. Yeah, it’s probably like that.
Pick: Packers, 24 -17
Panthers at Patriots-
The strategery of Bill Belichick is suddenly as perplexing as the Snickers ad campaign. It’s like he’s trying to be clever by being stupid thereby thinking that he’s not being stupid but being clever because he’s doing it on purpose. When he’s going against the laws of common sense by gambling on these fourth down situations, I half expect to see him turn to the camera and hold up a Snickers bar with Nougaty England Patriots printed on the wrapper.
Pick: Patriots, 37 – 20
Seahawks at Texans-
Easily the most meaningless game of the week. No playoff implications, no top-five draft pick implications, no compelling players to watch unless Andre Johnson comes back out of hiding…. It’s just, bleh. Although they could make it nice & Christmassy if the Hags would don their Ecto Cooler green jerseys and the Texans would sport their Battle Reds.
Pick: Texans, 27 – 23
Skins at Shirts (Raiders)-
The Skins are now playing closer to the team I thought they’d be coming into this season thanks to a strong defense and some improved play from Jason Campbell and the Raiders have now won two of their last three, posting last-second victories over both the Bengals and the Steelers. The hero of both of those wins was rookie wideout Louis Murphy. That kid looks impressive. Unlike fellow rookie Raider wideout Darius Heyward-Bey, Murphy seems to “get it”. I’d go so far as to call him a bourgeoning star. Normally when you hear the words “bourgeoning star”, it’s followed by “in the adult film industry” but I’m going to use it here. He made two big catches including the go-ahead touchdown on the Raiders final drive against Cincinnati, and he made two catches in traffic plus the game-winner on their final drive in Pittsburgh. The kid just seems to have a knack for being able to deliver the money shot. Sorry. Okay, now I feel kinda icky.
Pick: Skins, 14 – 13
Speaking of shirts, skins, etc. How about a quick pick-me-up before we hit the home stretch?
You're welcome.
Rams at Titans-
The Rams are getting outscored by an average of almost 15 points per game and are 28th in the league defending the run. That slobbering sound you’re hearing is Chris Johnson. Johnson already has over 1500 yards rushing, nine touchdowns, and has three touchdown runs of over 85 yards this season. To put that in perspective, he’s on a pace to become just the fourth running back in NFL history to go over 2,000 yards rushing in a single season and those three TD runs of over 85 yards this season, well, no other back has more than three of those for a career. He’s undoubtedly made himself next season’s #1 fantasy pick, joining other undisputed #1 fantasy picks such as Albert Pujols, LeBron James, and Megan Fox.
Pick: Titans, 28 – 14
Chargers at Cowboys-
The Wade Phillips Farewell Tour: A December to Not Remember heads back to the Big D. With upcoming games against the Chargers, Saints, Redskins and Eagles to finish them off, I’m suspecting at some point in early January, Jerry Jones’ secretary is going to be placing a call to get him in for Botox treatment on a few new wrinkles and frown lines.
Pick: Chargers, 27 – 20
Sunday Night
Eagles at Giants-
If Dallas loses and the Giants win this one, we’ve got ourselves a 3-way tie in the NFC East with three weeks to go. Philly destroyed the Giants 40 – 17 back in Week 8, notching some explosive plays and averaging over 8 yards per play on offense. Also, a couple weeks ago I mentioned that The Andy Reid Farewell Tour had officially commenced and to mark it down that you “heard it here first”. Well, it just was reported today that Reid has signed a three year extension with the Eagles. The lesson here, as always- I’m an idiot.
Pick: Eagles, 23 – 20
Monday Night
Cardinals at Niners-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
For those of you who have been paying attention, which of the following statements is most accurate?
a) Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
b) Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!
c) Damn the Niners! Damn them straight to hell!
d) I’m a bitter grudge-holder and still haven’t gotten over Super Bowls XVI and XVIII
e) Screw you, don’t you judge me
Answer: all of the above
Pick: Cardinals, 23 - 16
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