So, I don't know about you but the start of the NFL season has really sneaked up on me. I feel like I'm Suri Cruise and Week 1 is the fucking paparazzi. One minute I'm celebrating my 5th birthday with (half of) my family, a dozen or so extras posing as friends, a couple of clowns/out of work actors thinking this could be their big break, just eating some cake and unwrapping yet another L. Ron Hubbard plush toy when all of a sudden flash bulbs start going off like shells bombarding an embankment at Hamburger Hill. All the adults race for cover, tables of the finest catered vegetarian cuisine get upturned, glass is shattering all around as my bodyguard tosses me over his shoulder and my quaint $150,000 party suddenly looks like the wedding reception scene from GnR's November Rain video. Where in the hell is a Level 6 Thetan when a girl needs one?!!!
I don’t know, maybe it’s been the Reds ridiculously kick-ass Votto-less run over the past couple months, or the constant rhetoric from both sides of the Presidential campaign, or our ridiculously busy schedule chasing after our two girls and all their extra-curriculars, or my weird addiction to the Ski Resort iTunes app, or the tens of thousands of brain cells I lost while in a trance listening to Gangnam Style on a continuous loop for eight straight days (oddly fucking fantastic), but for whatever the reason, my attention has been anywhere but on the NFL since draft day back in April. Apparently a lot has happened since then. To get you (and me) caught up, here’s a taste of what’s gone down….
Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Saints head coach Sean Payton, former Saints now St Louis Rams defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, and three-fourths of the people living in the French Quarter in conjunction with the Bounty Scandal.
The Colts drafted Andrew Luck
Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos
Tebow was traded from the Broncos to the Jets
Mark Sanchez’ sphincter tightened a bit
The Seahawks signed Matt Flynn… then demoted him
RG3 and his super cool socks are in DC
The Dolphins were on HBO’s Hard Knocks
Chad Johnson was on HBO’s Hard Knocks… and then in a cop car, in jail overnight, and now unemployed
Jeff Fisher and his ‘stache are now coaching the Rams
Art Modell is taking his final dirt nap
Randy Moss is a 49er
Vincent Jackson is now a puffy-shirted Buccaneer
Mario Williams is now in Buffalo
Cedric Benson is in Green Bay
Drew Brees finally signed a contract extension
Maurice Jones Drew finally reported to camp, without a contract extension
The Seahawks unis got the Nike treatment
And, the NFL referees are on strike
Now that’s your basic 1,000 ft overview and only brings me mildly up to speed on the start of this 2012 NFL season. To really get in the know and be prepared to offer my annual predictions, I now need to start scouring the web, watching the NFL Network, consulting the Vegas lines, watching some game film and basically just immersing myself in the NFL universe for the next several days. As soon as my research is complete, I will report back and ---- Shit, almost got through that with a straight face. Did I have you going? Really? Wow, have we just met? Fuck that noise, I’m going to do what I always do. Without further ado, here are my fearless, baseless, careless and extremely biased predictions for the upcoming NFL season. And as always, I reserve the right to go back and edit this post as the season progresses to make myself look like a genius. The way I see it, nothin’ lasts forever, not my predictions, or even cold November Rain. (You see how I did that? Fuck yeah, you did.)
NFC North
Green Bay Packers- Remember last summer when the Colts were seen as a good bet to contend for the AFC title despite having a horrible defense? Remember when Peyton Manning had to have surgery on his neck and then the Colts went 1-15? Well, what happens if Aaron Rodgers was to go down and the Packers would have to rely on their 32nd ranked defense (that’s out of a possible 32) to keep them in ballgames so that backup QB Graham Harrell could pull off some late game magic?
Prediction: Rodgers bounces his throwing hand off a Texans helmet in week 6 and they go 6-10.
Detroit Lions- Their passing game is great when Stafford is healthy but their secondary is so abysmal that every game winds up looking like a Philadelphia Soul/Arizona Rattlers Arena League game. So how did they fix this problem? By signing cornerback Jacob Lacey (who?) and drafting corners in rounds 3, 5 and 6 from Louisiana-Lafayette, Albion College, and New Mexico State. Um, did Matt Millen take over as their GM again when I wasn’t looking?
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Chicago Bears- Anticipating the Aaron Rodgers injury, I really expected to anoint the Monsters of the Midway as heir to the NFC North throne but much like the chick sitting alone at the end of the bar at 2:18am, the Bears get a lot more sketchy as you move in for a closer look. They still have serious offensive line issues, their star receiver is one missing item on his drive-thru order away from snapping back into being a menace to society, their evil genius offensive coordinator has moved on, their best player (Urlacher) has knee issues and declared last week that he’ll never be the same again, and their quarterback is a proven interception machine who is married to a chick famous for starring on a fake reality show. There’s just too much that can go wrong. The Bears have about as much opportunity for disaster as a newly assembled Real World cast.
Prediction: 10-6
Minnesota Vikings- The good news is that thanks to Jared Allen, the Vikes were #1 in the league with 50 sacks. The bad news is that all that pressure on opposing quarterbacks resulted in the Vikes getting just 8 interceptions all season (last in the league). One might say that with the possible exception of the Kardashian sisters, there’s not a more talentless group than the Vikings secondary.
One other thing that bothers me is their quarterback. Not so much his ability (although the jury’s still out there) as much as his first name- Christian. Like Christian Slater, Christian Bale and Christian Dior, Christian Ponder is named after a religious follower. What’s weird is that it’s the only denomination that’s done with, right? Do you know anyone named after another religion? That’d be weird. Imagine we’re at a cocktail party… “Hey Christian, come over here, I’d like to introduce you to some of my buddies. Christian Ponder, this is Jew Klein. Over here is Presbyterian Jones, Agnostic Daniels, Buddhist Phillips, Mormon Smith, and this crazy guy here is Scientology Travolta. Oh, fellas, let’s move outside, I just saw Jehovah’s Witness Johnson walk in.”
Prediction: 5-11
NFC South
New Orleans Saints- What a mess. Coaches are suspended, players are suspended… Drew Brees finally renegotiated his contract and will now be throwing passes to rookies, cheerleaders and a couple beer vendors. Normally that would be a problem but we’re talking about DREW FUCKING BREES, motherfuckers!
Prediction: 11-5
Atlanta Falcons- Julio Jones, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez and their QB is the coolest Ginger in the pocket this side of Andy Dalton.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Carolina Panthers- Watching Cam Newton play is like watching a big cat hunting a few pussy-ass antelope. At first it’s exciting, then disturbing, then a bit strangely erotic, and always best when paired with a nice full-bodied merlot.
Prediction: 10-6
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I’m not going to say that the Bucs quit on head coach Raheem Morris last season but I will say that I haven’t seen that many spiritless people walking around a field since the season one finale of The Walking Dead. Now Raheem’s out, Schiano’s in and they’ll probably still suck, just now with some effort behind all the sucking. Kinda like the difference between a POV BJ video starring an amateur and a POV BJ video starring Rachel Starr. I think I’ve said too much.
Prediction: 5--11
NFC East
New York Giants- The Giants had the league’s worst running game last season and were able to muster just four rushes over 20 yards all season. Okay you say, well that just goes to show that in this era of the NFL, the run game isn’t nearly as important as the passing game. Well… the Super Bowl Champion Giants also had the 29th ranked pass defense. Whaaaa? That makes me as confused as Eli Manning looks.
Prediction: 9-7
Dallas Cowboys- A wise man with flowing blonde locks and tight spandex shorts once said, “If you wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man!” Well, the Cowboys just beat the Giants in Giants Stadium to kickoff the season. Right now they’re stylin’ and profilin’ and WOOO!
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Philadelphia Eagles- I know that Andy Reid is mostly highly regarded but outside of one Super Bowl appearance in thirteen years, donning Hawaiian shirts on each & every draft day, and managing to move his weight steadily up the charts and now into Orwellian territory, what has he really accomplished?
Prediction: 10-6 I was gonna say 8-8 but then figured that Andy could probably find one more in his mustache and another one hidden away in one of the fat rolls standing between him and ever being able to see his own penis again.
Washington Redskins- Sounds like everyone in the Nation’s Capital is giddy with excitement over RG3 donning the burgundy & yella. I’d be excited, too. It sounds like they just added a freakishly unstoppable droid to their squad. You know, I wish I could’ve been there for the meeting to decide the marketing plan for him.
Do we call him, Robert Griffin?
No, too boring.
Should he go with Robert Griffin the Third?
Not bad, but let’s keep going.
Robbie Griffin?
Nah, sounds like he’s in a boy band.
How about Bob Griffin?
Bleh, Bob Griffin sounds like a white guy who owns a tire store.
Bobby Griffin? Eh… not bad but just not exciting enough.
Come on people, think!
Oh, how about Fuckface McGee?
Nope, already been done.
Roberto Griffin Tres?
What? No.
Ooh, how about Professor Gryffindor?
You’re fired. Put down your veggie wrap and leave now. Anyone else?
Well, we could just go with something simple yet catchy like RG3.
Brilliant! Why is the Asian guy the only one who ever comes up with anything good? Do I even need the rest of you dumbasses? Get out.
Prediction: 6-10
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers- The Niners had a +28 turnover ratio last season. Mainly because Alex Smith threw just five interceptions. And that was mainly because they just had him hand the ball to Frank Gore. Now they’ve added wideouts Randy Moss & Mario Manningham to go with Michael Crabtree & Vernon Wilson and seem prepared to mix in some more of the passing game. If I know Alex Smith like you know Alex Smith, more pass attempts means more interceptions, means a worse turnover ratio, means fewer wins, means a happier me.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
Prediction: 9-7
Seattle Seahawks- Coming off a strong finish last season and boasting the league’s 9th ranked defense, the Seahawks are no less than an interesting team to watch in 2012. Sure, they’re starting their rookie 3rd round pick at quarterback and sure, Pete Carroll always looks like he’s trying to discreetly scan the room to see if anyone’s on to the fact that he’s just pretending to know what he’s doing, but their defense is no joke. However, please for the love of Christ, stop referring to them, or any other team for that matter, as a “sexy pick”. I’ve heard no less than three fucktards on ESPN Radio refer to the Seahawks as the “sexy pick” this season. A football pick is not sexy. It may be popular, it may be prevalent, you could even make a case that it could be considered trendy, but it is not sexy. And more importantly, no man should ever, EVER, say the word “sexy”. It’s one of those words like “fabulous”, “stupendous” and “scrumptious” that no straight man should ever say. The only exception being if his woman unexpectedly appears in new lingerie asking him what how he thinks she looks. What? Oh, hey Mama Squintz. Um, yeah, wow, that’s sexy. Gotta go.
Prediction: 9-7
Arizona Cardinals- I don’t know exactly why but I love this team. They play in a stadium named after a college that doesn’t have a physical campus (it has an e-campus!). Their mascot is a bird that would die within hours of exposure to the desert heat. Their stadium gets overrun by opposing fans at least six times per season. All of that is stupid and/or sucks but they’ve got a really underrated defense, Larry Fitzgerald is a beast and their coach just benched their high-priced free agent quarterback in favor of a guy who played at Fordham and looks like he was raised on Goon Island. That’s balls, right there.
Prediction: 10-6 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
St. Louis Rams- Don’t get me wrong, I love Jeff Fisher and he will turn this team around (after they move back to Los Angeles) but he inherited a steaming pile of raccoon shit. They couldn’t stop anybody on the ground, their one good receiver (Brandon Lloyd) left via free agency, and their franchise quarterback now has the yips after being sacked a league-high 55 times. If I were Fisher, I’d make sure to soak my world class cookie duster in some Makers 46 before each half and pull it down under my bottom lip early and often.
Prediction: 4-12
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens- Ravens owner Art Model died today. That means two things: 1) The Ravens equipment manager is right at this moment feverishly trying to cobble some sort of “A.M.” patch (likely in some generic font like Times New Roman) to put on their stupid purple jerseys this season, and 2) People are partying in Cleveland like Bin Laden has been killed. What? He is? When the fuck did this happen? When? Oh, that must’ve been during those eight days I was entranced by Gangnam Style. Damn that song fucked my world.
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Pittsburgh Steelers- Best joke I’ve heard this month: A little girl in Pennsylvania asks her mother, “Mommy, why don’t the Steelers have cheerleaders like the other football teams?” Her mom says, “Because our quarterback is a sexual predator and can’t be trusted within 100 yards of a pre-menupausal vagina.” “Mommy, what is a vagina?” “It’s your hoo-hoo.” “Oh. Mommy, what’s pre-menu-mena-menapaozzle?” “Quit asking questions you coal-stained life-sucking little bitch and go play with your fucking Tonka trucks.” I may have heard it a little differently but you get the drift.
Prediction: 10-6 and at least one sexual assault allegation.
Cincinnati Bengals- Seriously, what are the odds that we have both of our major league sports teams make the playoffs in the same season? Exactly.
Prediction: 8-8
Cleveland Browns- What do you do if you are #28 in the league in rushing and can only muster a measly four rushing touchdowns the whole season? If you’re the Browns, you take Trent Richardson with the third overall pick in the draft. And because you’re the Browns, before the season even begins, he has to have a second surgery on his left knee within the last six months. Woof! Woof! Woof!
Prediction: 6-10
AFC South
Houston Texans- There are some things not to like about the Texans this season such as losing Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans, Eric Winston, and Jason Allen. But despite those losses, I can sum up in ten words why the Texans will go back to the playoffs in 2012-- The Jacksonville Jaguars, the Tennessee Titans and the Indianapolis Colts (that’s ten, right? One, two, three, four… yeah, ten, good). The Texans in this division is like Minka Kelly in a beauty contest against the cast of Bad Girls Club. What? Who’s Minka Kelly? How dare you.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Tennessee Titans- The Titans, as usual, were not especially good at anything last season and they weren’t especially bad at anything. They didn’t lose any notable free agents, they didn’t sign any notable free agents. They didn’t sign a big name draft pick, they didn’t change coaches, no one on the team got into trouble, they didn’t update their uniforms. The only thing they did to make news was promote Jake Locker to starting QB over Matt Hasselbeck. I’m getting sleepy just writing about them.
Prediction: who cares? Ok fine, 6-10
Indianapolis Colts- Count me in as one who believes Andrew Luck is going to be great but when he smiles he reminds you of Sloth from The Goonies, amiright? HEY YOU GUUUUYS!
Prediction: 5-11
Jacksonville Jaguars- There are a few things in life that can haunt you for a while, like a bad tattoo, filing bankruptcy, buying a religious artifact from a South American outdoor market, and taking a quarterback in the first round who doesn’t pan out. Blaine Gabbert has approximately eight weeks to start panning out
Prediction: 2-14
AFC East
New England Patriots-
Remember last summer when the Colts were seen as a good bet to contend for the AFC title despite having a horrible defense? Remember when Peyton Manning had to have surgery on his neck and then the Colts went 1-15? Well, what happens if Aaron Rodgers Tom Brady was to go down and the Packers Patriots would have to rely on their 32nd 31st ranked defense (that’s out of a possible 32) to keep them in ballgames so that backup QB Graham Harrell Ryan Mallet could pull off some late game magic?
Prediction: Rodgers Brady bounces his throwing hand off a Texans Seahawks helmet in week 6 and they go 6-10
Buffalo Bills- The Bills allowed the fewest sacks in the league last season but tied for worst in interceptions thrown. So let me get this straight…. Their Harvard-educated quarterback had more time to stand in the pocket and scan the field than any other quarterback in the league and the result was interception palooza for sixteen weeks? How is this possible? Wanna know my theory? I think there’s a nest of bed bugs living in Fitzy’s beard that has matriculated a scout team up and into his inner ear and on into his brain where they are currently gnawing on his frontal cortex and establishing a colony based loosely on the teachings of Jean-Jacques Rousseau.
Prediction: 6-10
New York Jets- The Jets had just three pass plays over 40 yards last season. Three. Um, if you’re going to call yourself the Jets, you need to either have a feared aerial attack or wear brightly colored uniforms and sing “Crush on You” accompanied by some kick-ass choreography. (BTW, little-known-fact: The Jets were/are Mormons. The band, not the team.) Oh , I almost forgot- J! E! T! S!, Suck! Suck!! Suck!!!
Prediction: 6-10
Miami Dolphins- You know, now might be as good a time as any to give a little sneak peek into the science behind my predictions. For the Dolphins, I’ll provide you a rare look at one of the formulas I use, and have been very successful with over the years, in determining the expected level of success for an NFL franchise. Here you go and you’re welcome….
Dolphins:
Dumping Tony Sparano +3
#3 Defense +6
Jason Taylor gone -2
Best cheerleaders in the AFC +4
Appearing on Hard Knocks -4
Cutting Chad Johnson on national television +5
Starting a rookie quarterback -3
Rookie quarterback has a white-hot girlfriend +3
Marc Anthony is a minority owner -2
Prediction: 10-6 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
AFC West
Denver Broncos- Last season, the Donkeys somehow managed to get to the second round of the playoffs while being led by the second biggest fraud to ever be perpetrated on the American people. Now they’ve replaced Tebow with Peyton Manning, so it should stand to reason that they should be able to make even more noise this season, right? With apologies to Lee Corso, Not so fast, my friend. Remember, Denver finished the regular season just 8-8 and would not have made the playoffs if not for the embarrassing futility of the rest of their division. And given the fact that they were outscored by over 80 points during the regular season, they had to have had some kind of magic horseshoe up their ass to even get to 8-8. One thing about magic horseshoes up your ass, leave them up there too long and they can cause infection leading to horrible complications including but not limited to hemorrhoids, incontinence, rectal bleeding, anal fissures, and a reduction in homosexual “receiving pleasure”. I’m not lying, just ask Johnny B, he will tell you ALL about it. What? Oh, the biggest fraud? He has big ears, says “uh” a lot when not in front of a teleprompter and his name rhymes with Yo Mama.
Prediction: 9-7
San Diego Chargers- Norv Turner is STILL in charge in in San Diego? Holy fuck. I don’t want to say that they’re gonna be unwatchable this season but Junior Seau’s suicide note listed “Norv Turner still somehow coaching the Chargers” as his reason #2 to end it all, just behind “I’m constantly depressed and don’t know why” and just ahead of “These constant debilitating headaches”. Too soon?
Prediction: 9-7
Kansas City Chiefs- My dark horse last season was derailed by s crapload of injuries to some key players. Now Jamaal Charles is back, Eric Berry is back, Tony Moeaki back, they’ve added Peyton Hillis and his Madden cover jinx is over, and they used free agency & the draft to upgrade both sides of the line. Plus, their coach is a big brown teddy bear named Romeo. Romeo, Oh Romeo, did thou just fart there Romeo?
Prediction: 11-5 and Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Oakland Raiders- As long as Carson Palmer can stay healthy, hungry, in the right frame of mind and surrounded by some talent, there’s absolutely no reason to believe he shouldn’t be able to toss at least 20 interceptions this season.
Prediction: 7-9
NFC Championship
Cowboys vs Falcons
AFC Championship
Ravens vs Chiefs
Super Bowl
Cowboys vs Chiefs
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