My Christmas gift to you is no ranting or raving from me this week. Grab yourself a cup of egg nog, splash it with some bourbon, and let's go straight to the matchups...
Thursday Night
Steelers at Rams- What’s happened to the Steelers? They’ve lost two straight and Roethlisberger’s not been sharp lately. It’s almost like he’s distracted or something. Oh shit, I should’ve known….
Cowboys at Panthers- Speaking of being distracted...
Some people are saying that Romo’s distracted by her body but my sources tell me he’s just tired from their recent late night discussions about alternative fuel sources, the economic fallout caused by defaults in the subprime mortgage market, and debating the long term effect of the Kyoto Treaty on free trade in North America.
Chiefs at Lions- Remember that guarantee Kitna made in preseason, that the Lions would win at least ten games this season? Yeah, well you remember what Tommy Boy Callahan said about guarantees… "Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting. Here's the way I see it. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside. And why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right? The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times. They put a guarantee on the box because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me."
Packers at Bears- Hey, are you tired of working nine to five? Tired of a stingy boss and getting passed over for promotions? Looking for a fresh start and a job with great pay and excellent benefits? Well, if you’re short, pasty-white, have a history of making bad decisions under pressure, and preferably male, the Chicago Bears are looking for you!
Texans at Colts- Good Lord, how many commercials is Peyton in now? Credit cards, satellite service, shoes, sports drinks, video games, clothes, …. He sells more shit than a fucking quickie mart.
Giants at Bills- Not surprisingly, Eli doesn’t have quite as many endorsement deals but the one he does have, opts for a surprising choice of words …
Unstoppable. Really? Are the people at Citizen sure they want to compare their product to Eli Manning? If so, then I’m assuming you can also stop a Citizen watch with a mediocre secondary and a slight crosswind.
Eagles at Saints- While Mama McNabb’s been out cavorting with Big Ben, somebody’s gotta keep making the soup, right?
Raiders at Jaguars- How is Coach Del Rio doing it? David Garrard’s the quarterback, some no-name receivers, a shaky secondary…. He’s a freakin’ magic man. In honor of his magicianship, here’s the best piece of street magic I’ve seen in a long time….
Falcons at Cardinals- The Falcons are a mess. A huge mess. Their coach is in Arkansas, their quarterback is in prison, and their defense is in the shitter. The only thing in worse shape than the Falcons is Amy Winehouse.
Apparently she too was very surprised to read about Petrino leaving for Arkansas.
Buccaneers at Niners- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
Dolphins at Patriots- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the tailback of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, Mr. Mercury Morris….
…. And now I’m desperately hoping that the Pats run the table.
Ravens at Seahawks- In honor of the Ravens losing in Miami last Sunday, here’s this week’s pop quiz…
What’s more embarrassing than losing to the Dolphins? a) Having your credit card declined b) Shitting your pants in public c) Being seen naked d) Getting caught masturbating e) Getting caught naked in bed with an orangutang, tossing poop & trading hand jobs f) Having to say, “I’d like you to meet my husband, Brian Billick.”
Answer: e)
Jets at Titans- J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Redskins at Vikings- Beat the Purple Jesus on eve of Christmas Eve? Surely you can’t be serious.
Monday Night
Broncos at Chargers- I could think of a whole lot of things I’d rather do than watch this game on Christmas Eve, right Santa? …Santa? ……Santa? …. Oh, there you are...
Last week, I said that the winners of the writers’ strike would ultimately be us, the viewers. Well, this week I’m here to tell you that…. I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT! In fact, I had no idea how awesome this was gonna’ be. I was just looking forward to some fun awards show moments. I had NO IDEA what other fallout was on the horizon. I mean, I knew that the elimination of scripted shows from regular programming would prompt an increase in reality television and game shows but I did not anticipate the news I heard yesterday. And it makes soooo much sense. Reality television, game shows. Game shows, reality television. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. You got peanut butter in my chocolate. What was the perfect blend of reality television with a game show, stirred up with just the perfect pinches of spandex, steroids, horrible announcers, and people who take themselves waaay to seriously? Um, look below…
That’s right, American Gladiators is back! Where? On NBC, where else? Shit, if they gave Alec Baldwin a sitcom, they’ll fuckin’ try anything. Sadly, Malibu will not be part of the new cast as nowadays he’s most likely working as night manager of a Gold’s Gym somewhere in the San Francisco Bay area, still putting the exclamation point on his workouts by slamming a fistful of roids and now also chasing them with some Rogaine, a little Viagra, and a tall glass of Maalox to help keep him regular. And speaking of Rogaine, Hulk Hogan is going to be a part of the new cast. Not as a gladiator, at least I don’t think so. Likely, more as a color commentator (Brother!). Joining him as a commentator/host is Laila Ali. Now I must admit, I was kinda hoping for Todd Christensen and his perm or Larry Czonka and his messed up face to come back as the color guys. Christensen was always taking long pauses as looking for some kind of spiritual meaning or motivation behind why some gym teacher from Houston was inconceivably able to knock Blaze off of her perch in the joust competition. And Czonka always seemed one stray twitch away from tearing someone’s head off, tucking it under his arm and running through a wall. Then there was Mike Adamle. Remember him? He was the pint-sized former NFL running back (back when there were white NFL running backs) who treated every episode like he was broadcasting the Super Bowl. If he’s back, this thing is sure to make a weekly appearance on The Soup and get it’s own YouTube channel. Oh, and I almost forgot, Joe Theisman was the original co-host with Adamle. Last I checked, he wasn’t doing anything. Um, whaddya say we go ahead and keep it that way. So, other than the Hulkster and Muhammad Ali’s daughter, who’s on the show? Good question (that I just asked myself). Though it’s supposed to begin airing in January, they’ve released no information on other announcers or the cast of mutants, er, gladiators. But you can be sure that each of the gladiators will be freakishly proportioned and come with an alias that sounds like a cross between a porn star and a superhero. The last batch had names like Nitro, Blaze, Ice, Zap, Turbo, Storm, Bronco, Siren (the only deaf gladiator), Laser, and, of course, Malibu. Over the six seasons from ’89-’96, they defended their turf in such events as Joust, Breakthrough and Conquer, Powerball, and Assault.
The only thing missing in the original was personality. The gladiators had none and the contestants were mostly dull. I usually found myself not giving a shit who won. What the hell good is a game show/sporting event if you can’t root for someone and wish humiliation on another? Seriously, right? So (of course) I have a plan to solve this problem the second time around. I’ve compiled a list of new gladiators who are all sure to draw your interest. They are listed below, eight men, eight women, along with their new American Gladiator nicknames.
Mark McGwire- Andro Mike Tyson- Rapester Pac Man Jones- The Rain Man Tom Cruise- Half Pint Phaeton Lawrence Taylor- Snort Dog the Bounty Hunter- Biggot Macho Man Randy Savage- Grandpa Macho Carrot Top- Hack Jessica Simpson- Ditz Britney Spears- Sleaze New York (from Flava of Love)- Drama The Olsen Twins- Sleepy and Sneezy Jenna Jameson- Swallow Carmen Elektra- Nipples And of course, my old girlfriend… Kim Kardashian- Booty
Please make it happen, NBC. Do it for me. Do it for America. Do it for ratings. Mostly, do it for poor Malibu, living off of residuals and his crappy Gold’s Gym salary. If you do this right, the sky’s the limit. Next stop, a new & improved Battle of the Network Stars. Ooh, the girls from Heroes suited up for swimming competitions.... I think I just pitched a tent. Now, on with the matchups….
Thursday Night
Broncos at Texans- I’m guessing that slightly less people will be pissed off about not having the NFL Network and missing this one. But as the commercial says, there ought to be some “Shanihanigans” in this one. Have you seen those Joe’s Diner commercials on the NFL Network? I love ‘em. Don’t know if it’s the witty banter, the bearded guy’s Boston accent, or the fact that Joe Montana is stuck working as a hapless fry cook. Probably all three. I hope Montana burned himself during one of the takes. And I may be getting old but I firmly believe that all men should be able to spend at least one extended lunch or breakfast per week at a diner with his pals. Coffee, cigarettes, eggs, toast, some kind of meat, maybe bacon or ham, sausage, something from a pig, and discussions about sports, movies, things that piss you off, guys you want to punch, and women you’d like to bang if you weren’t a married middle-class loser spending your morning in a diner.
Saturday Night
Bengals at Niners- This may not make up for two Super Bowl defeats but I’ll take it. Damn you 49ers, damn you all straight to hell!!!
Sunday
Jets at Patriots- This one is sure to get U.G.L.Y. I say we just throw Belichek and Mangini into a steel cage and let ‘em fight to the death. I’m guessing Mangini would quickly take Belicheck to the ground and eventually administer a submission hold, only to have Belichek pull a camera from his hoodie and clock Mangini in the ear with it. Then Randy Moss runs in with a folding chair as the referee frantically calls for the timekeeper to ring the bell.
Jaguars at Steelers- It must’ve taken a shitload of Terrible Towels to stop the bleeding from that anal raping up in Foxboro last weekend. I hear there are just three cases of them left and they all belong to a gas station owner in West Virginia. Word has it that he’s either going to put them up on Ebay or give them away to charity. And by “give them away to charity”, I mean give them away to Charity. Charity’s a low-class stripper in Huntington who gives high-class BJs and often works on the barter system. Just one Terrible Towel will typically buy you ten minutes of oral delight, complete with her patented move, the “Mine Shaft”.
Seahawks at Panthers- The John Fox Farewell Tour heads back to Charlotte!
Ravens at Dolphins- Here’s a sentence that has never been written before: Cleo Lemon will be the best quarterback in the stadium this Sunday. Unless, of course, Jamie Foxx, Keanu Reeves, or Burt Reynolds happen to be watching from a luxury box.
Packers at Rams- Stephen Jackson is… Awesome. If he scores a touchdown, runs through the end zone and right through the wall, I would classify my reaction as only “mildly surprised”. It’s like instead of blood, he’s got Powerthirst running through his veins. And I believe Fox Sports has reported that he’s the only NFL player currently capable of Bear-Blasting. (see video at bottom of blog)
Cardinals at Saints- Our first true Parachute Game of the season. Two teams, one parachute. Winner floats safely down to keep fighting for a playoff spot, loser smashes face-first into the earth, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust and a crap stain on the back of its pants. I once fell face-first and crapped my pants but it had nothing to do with football. Or parachutes. Let’s just say it involved a half dozen too many Jagermeister shots, three cheese coneys, and an ill-advised jump off of a retaining wall. Good times.
Titans at Chiefs- Time for this week’s pop quiz…. When the Titans team plane leaves Nashville and heads to Kansas City, which direction will it be flying? a) Northwest b) Southwest c) Due West d) Up e) From one crappy little redneck town to another crappy little redneck town
Answer: a, d, and e
Bills at Browns- This isn’t the first time that two candidates for Coach of the Year have squared off this late in the regular season. But it is the first time that two Coach of the Year candidates have squared off this late in the regular season where one of the coaches was physically able to actually eat the other coach.
Falcons at Buccaneers- Vick(arrested), Schaub(traded), Harrington(injured), Leftwich(injured), Shockley(injured), Redman. The Falcons have gone through quarterbacks like Britney Spears goes through grande moccachino lattes with extra whip. That bitch is crazy.
Colts at Raiders- Hey fellas, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!
Eagles at Cowboys- As if I didn't hate Romo's cheesy little grinning fuck face enough already, then I stumble upon this....
Where the fuck is my shovel?
Lions at Chargers- Ever since Jon Kitna and his wife decided to use Halloween as an opportunity to dress up & make fun of one of the Lions coaches, they’ve lost five straight. Concidence? Yeah, probably. Karma? Definitely.
Redskins at Giants- Could someone please make sure that Coach Gibbs is awake, fed, and dressed well before gametime? Thanks. Last week we cut it a bit close. At one point, he wandered away unattended in the tunnel with a TV Guide, a can of orange soda, wearing only his adult diaper and yelling at the cheerleaders to give him a sponge bath. This man is an icon people, please keep him restrained and/or medicated so he doesn’t embarrass himself. And, for the last time, do not forget to have his drool cup handy at all times!
Monday Night
Bears at Tinks (Vikings)- Forgive me Purple Jesus, for I know not what I do.
So I hear that Hollywood’s writers are on strike. Good thing for me that the Palooza writers are locked into a contract that runs through 2015. I pay them with bottles of vodka and packs of cigarettes in exchange for their brilliance. And by “them” I mean “me”, and by “brilliance” I mean “literary genius”. Those Hollywood writers are apparently ticked off that they aren’t getting a cut of the DVD sales & rentals of their movies and tv shows. Sounds fair enough. But then again, the studios claim that if they give an unprecedented cut to the writers, the cost of DVDs will have to increase.
Hmmm.
You know, after much thought about the matter, I’ve come to this conclusion: Who gives a fuck?
I only watch four shows that are scripted- Scrubs, The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Heroes. The rest is sports, old SNL reruns, and an occasional episode of Run’s House. This isn’t going to cause me to lose any sleep. Hell, I’m looking forward to seeing what the people who are addicted to Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lost, Boston Legal, and the countless Law & Order and CSI spinoffs are gonna do with their free time. It’ll also be funny to see how MTV handles putting some of their “reality” shows on hiatus. What, The Hills is scripted? Say it isn’t so. As interesting as all that will be, the best part of this strike, if it continues through the rest of the winter, will be its affect on the awards shows. It’s usually bad enough when celebs get paired-up, take to the podium and engage in some cheesy, scripted banter before announcing nominees. Most of them can barely handle the script off the telepromter on live television, can you imagine what happens if they write their own stuff or, God forbid, just try to wing it?
Imagine this scenario. Scene: the 2008 Emmy Awards. Alec Baldwin and Jaime Pressley are paired to present the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. (Announcer)- She’s the sexy star of My Name is Earl. He’s the sexist star of 30 Rock. Jaime Pressley and Alec Baldwin.
(audience applause)
(Jaime Pressley)- You know, it ain’t easy bein’ an actress. There’s lines to learn and stuff. And you always gotta’ make sure you don’t get fat.
(Alec Baldwin)- Well, you don’t have to worry about that Jaime. You look great.
(Jaime, blushing)- Thank you.
(Alec)- You know who used to look great? My ex-wife, Kim Bassinger. Now she’s got love handles and her boobs are sagging. It’s not a pretty site.
(Jaime)- Alec, that’s not nice to say. Everybody gets older. I remember what my grandpappy said to me-
(Alec, interrupting)- You know, everybody does get older and maybe it wouldn’t have been a problem if she wasn’t such a friggin’ bitch. Fucking whore. And now she’s spewing her hatred of me to our daughter. That little pig is another story,…
(Jamie, as Alec is forceably removed from the stage by security)- And now the nominees for Best Supportin’ Actress in a Drama Series. Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy….
(Alec, struggling to get back to the podium)- Get your fucking hands off of me! I will kill all of you! You see this honey?! You see what you’ve done?! Happy now?! Are you happy now, you little pig?!!!
(Jaime)- …Sally Fields, Brothers and Sisters….
(Alec, still struggling)- Get the…what is that? Don’t tase me, bro’, don’t you fuckin’ ta-
(Alec gets tased)
(Jaime)- Candice Bergen, Boston Legal…. Emily Proctor, CSI:Miami…..And Mel, Mel…Melinda….er, Melina….uh…Melina Kana….Kanakraz….Melina Kanazra…..Melina…..Melina Kana-sumthin’, CSI: New York.
That. Would. Be. Awesome!
So who wins as a result of the writer’s strike? We all win! Well, unless your life revolves around Grey’s Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives, or The Hills, or whatever. But if that’s the case, you’re a loser anyway.
Now, on with the matchups….
Thursday Night
Bears at Tinks (Redskins)- First sign that you may have the chicken pox: a red, itchy rash First sign that you may have herpes: a red, itchy rash First sign that you may have Alzheimer’s: You call back-to-back timeouts resulting in a fifteen yard penalty which turns the opposition’s 50-yard field goal attempt into a 35-yard field goal attempt and you lose an emotional game being played in memory of your recently-slain Pro Bowl safety.
Panthers at Jaguars- Allow me to be the first to say it, The John Fox Farewell Tour heads for a stop in Jacksonville!
Dolphins at Bills- News out of Miami is that the NAADP (National Association for the Advancement of Dol Phins), is demanding that the Miami Dolphins change their nickname immediately. In a televised press conference held earlier today, Jesse Blowhole, spokesman for the NAADP said the following, “Eeee-Eee-Eeee-Eee-Eeee-Eeeeeeee-Ee-Ee. Eee-Eeeeeee-Eeee-Eee-Eeeee-Eeee. Eeee-Eee-Eeeeee-Eee-Ee. Eeee-Eeee-Ee-Eeeeeeeeee.” Loosely translated, it equates to “Stop using the term Dolphin when referring to your sorry-ass team. We are a proud fish, unlike the tuna or the marlin, and we’re not publicity hounds like the sharks. We are an intelligent, agile, brave nation and wish to not be trivialized on the helmets of such an embarrassing football team. Therefore, we demand that you cease and desist using the nickname Dolphin immediately or we will be forced to take quick and decisive legal action. Thank you. Oh, and while I have the mic, I’d like to give a quick shout-out to my peeps hangin’ out down in Del Mar; P-Dawg, Munzie, Hook Eye, Ray-Ray. Much love my bruthaz, much love. See you ‘round the tuna nets at the reunion. PEACE!”
Chargers at Titans- Seperated at birth????
Buccaneers at Texans- What do you get when you combine the anger and intelligence of Chucky with the over-the-top annoyance of Carrot Top? A trip to the playoffs, baby. And no, I’m not going to post pics of Gruden and Garcia to drive home the point that they look eerily like the aforementioned characters. Instead, I will post a pic of my new girlfriend, Gemma Atkinson. Yep, that’s right, I dumped Kim Kardashian. The sex tape she made with a lame club DJ didn’t bother me and neither did the fact that her deceased father used to be OJ’s attorney. Nope, what got me was when I surprised her early one morning and saw that she had a unibrow. Yeah, I know. Apparently she waxes that fur line every morning before letting other humans see her. So, I’m onto a relatively hairless blonde British beauty with large brains. Hurray for me!
Raiders at Packers- Brett Favre has a bad elbow. That might affect his performance. I remember a few years ago when Johnny B hurt his elbow in a freak moped accident. He bitched for weeks about how he had to have “special time” with his other hand. The good news however is that due to the insane frequency of how often Johnny has “special time”, his other hand became so strong that he’s now ambidextrous and often brags about being able to write and whack simultaneously. It’s apparently a real time-saver when addressing Christmas cards.
Cowboys at Lions- The Lions have fallen apart faster than a Ford Focus two days after its’ warranty has expired. They’ve gone from 6-2 and a sure-fire playoff team to 6-6 and now staring a possible losing season right in it’s oh-so-familiar face. To make things even worse, word out of Detroit this week is that free agents to be, Roy Williams and Kevin Jones, are counting the days until they can leave Rock City. But there is some good news if you’re a Detroit fan- spring training is less than 90 days away….
Giants at Eagles- Let me get this straight, Tom Coughlin’s job is safe and Andy Reid is on the hot seat? (shaking head back and forth and making the Scooby-Doo sound) That’s like Michael promoting Schrute for one productive month and firing Jim for one bad month. Ridiculous. For those of you who don’t watch The Office, you totally didn’t get that one. Sorry, I’ll try a CSI:Miami reference next week.
Rams at Bengals- Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die.
Cardinals at Seahawks- The Seahawks are like the guy who dropped out of school, got his GED and is now working as a fry cook at Johnny Rockets. Normally, he’d be a disgrace to his family but luckily for him, he has three brothers- one in jail for armed robbery, one homeless and hooked on crack, and one working as a male prostitute.
Speaking of the male prostitute…
Vikings at Niners- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell! Smite them, Purple Jesus. Smite their asses!!!
Chiefs at Broncos- I’ve got just four words to say about this matchup. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!
Steelers at Patriots- This is my “Chips n Salsa, Six Pack of Bud, and Some Leftover Pizza” Game. I am gonna park my ass on the couch with the aforementioned luxuries and settle in to see some carnage. I truly believe that there are three great, joyous moments in a man’s life that just cannot be missed. The birth of one’s children, full frontal nude scenes involving Scarlet Johannson, and the humiliation of the Pittsburgh Steelers. None of these come along very often (unless of course, you’re Shawn Kemp), so when they do, make sure not to miss them. Life is short and true joy is rare, my friends. Do not miss this game.
Browns at Jets- J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Colts at Ravens- Ever see a porno where the dude shoots his wad with one chick, then another chick comes in and he just doesn’t have anything left for another money shot? Me either, but that’s the situation the Ravens are in this week after losing last Monday to the Pats. My guess is we’ll see a tired effort resulting in mostly lifeless play fueled by a drop or two of inspiration.
Monday Night
Saints at Falcons- One of my sources at the North Pole has forwarded Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list to me. After a quick scan, it became obvious that his list should be the subject of this week’s Palooza Pop Quiz. Which of the following items is NOT included in Kornheiser’s Christmas list? a) Another ill-fitting sports coat b) A soft-bristled brush that’s easy on the scalp when performing the comb-over c) A life-sized blowup doll of Michelle Tafoya d) A life-sized blowup doll of Tom Brady e) A City of Jacksonville snowglobe
