My Christmas gift to you is no ranting or raving from me this week. Grab yourself a cup of egg nog, splash it with some bourbon, and let's go straight to the matchups...
Thursday Night
Steelers at Rams-
What’s happened to the Steelers? They’ve lost two straight and Roethlisberger’s not been sharp lately. It’s almost like he’s distracted or something.
Oh shit, I should’ve known….
Cowboys at Panthers-
Speaking of being distracted...
Some people are saying that Romo’s distracted by her body but my sources tell me he’s just tired from their recent late night discussions about alternative fuel sources, the economic fallout caused by defaults in the subprime mortgage market, and debating the long term effect of the Kyoto Treaty on free trade in North America.
Chiefs at Lions-
Remember that guarantee Kitna made in preseason, that the Lions would win at least ten games this season? Yeah, well you remember what Tommy Boy Callahan said about guarantees…
"Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting. Here's the way I see it. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
And why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right?
The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
They put a guarantee on the box because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me."
Browns at Bengals-
Um, uh, hmmm….(sigh)….. Hey uh, um…..yeah….(deeper sigh)….uh… Oh lookie there, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!
Packers at Bears-
Hey, are you tired of working nine to five? Tired of a stingy boss and getting passed over for promotions? Looking for a fresh start and a job with great pay and excellent benefits? Well, if you’re short, pasty-white, have a history of making bad decisions under pressure, and preferably male, the Chicago Bears are looking for you!
Texans at Colts-
Good Lord, how many commercials is Peyton in now? Credit cards, satellite service, shoes, sports drinks, video games, clothes, …. He sells more shit than a fucking quickie mart.
Giants at Bills-
Not surprisingly, Eli doesn’t have quite as many endorsement deals but the one he does have, opts for a surprising choice of words …
Unstoppable. Really? Are the people at Citizen sure they want to compare their product to Eli Manning? If so, then I’m assuming you can also stop a Citizen watch with a mediocre secondary and a slight crosswind.
Eagles at Saints-
While Mama McNabb’s been out cavorting with Big Ben, somebody’s gotta keep making the soup, right?
Raiders at Jaguars-
How is Coach Del Rio doing it? David Garrard’s the quarterback, some no-name receivers, a shaky secondary…. He’s a freakin’ magic man. In honor of his magicianship, here’s the best piece of street magic I’ve seen in a long time….
Falcons at Cardinals-
The Falcons are a mess. A huge mess. Their coach is in Arkansas, their quarterback is in prison, and their defense is in the shitter. The only thing in worse shape than the Falcons is Amy Winehouse.
Apparently she too was very surprised to read about Petrino leaving for Arkansas.
Buccaneers at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
Dolphins at Patriots-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the tailback of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, Mr. Mercury Morris….
…. And now I’m desperately hoping that the Pats run the table.
Ravens at Seahawks-
In honor of the Ravens losing in Miami last Sunday, here’s this week’s pop quiz…
What’s more embarrassing than losing to the Dolphins?
a) Having your credit card declined
b) Shitting your pants in public
c) Being seen naked
d) Getting caught masturbating
e) Getting caught naked in bed with an orangutang, tossing poop & trading hand jobs
f) Having to say, “I’d like you to meet my husband, Brian Billick.”
Answer: e)
Jets at Titans-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Redskins at Vikings-
Beat the Purple Jesus on eve of Christmas Eve? Surely you can’t be serious.
Monday Night
Broncos at Chargers-
I could think of a whole lot of things I’d rather do than watch this game on Christmas Eve, right Santa? …Santa? ……Santa? …. Oh, there you are...
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