So I’m in the bakery with my daughter the other day, waiting in line, just checking out what kind of donuts to buy for a Christmas Eve morning treat and I overheard something disturbing. There was a young lady, about 17 or 18 years old, standing with her father beside us. She looked down into the case, backed away, got a far-away look in her eyes as if in deep thought, and then asked her father the following question: “Dad, what’s six times four?”
Seriously.
What made it even more surprising was the fact that she was clutching a thick paperback and was sporting clothes meant for a fifty year-old. She also had a clearly discernable air of superiority about her (seemingly coming not from her average looks but from a sense of her own maturity and intellect), a combination which made her remind me of that chick from Say Anything. You know, the one who’s father ran a corrupt nursing home, was awarded with a scholarship to study in Europe, and who somehow turned a kickboxing John Cusack into a boombox holding romantic. Yeah, her.
What’s six times four? Really? My daughter’s four years old and she can play Uno with adults. I’m pretty sure that she (and several of her classmates) will be spitting out six times four by the second grade.
So what’s the point? The point is, people are fucking stupid. Everyone is stupid sometimes and some people are stupid all the time. Thankfully for the sake of putting this page together each week, there are a helluva lot of people who fall into the latter category. I was thinking about it earlier today and this posting marks the end of the sixth year of Pigskin Palooza, the fourth at this site. Counting preseason previews, that equates to 128 posts and 1,536 matchups. Take out the obligatory 96 “Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!” lines, and the 96 “J!-E!-T!-S!, Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!” lines, and we’re left with 1,344 ridiculous rants and obvious observations which were fueled mainly by the actions of stupid people acting stupidly. As well as fat people getting fatter, sexy people getting sexier, and crazy people getting crazier. That being said, I’d like to take time on this Week 17 of the 2007 season to say thank you to all those who have made this 2007 version of Pigskin Palooza possible. In no certain order, here are Pigskin Palooza’s Most Whatever People, Places and Things of 2007:
Kim Kardashian (my ex-girlfriend) and her big ol’ booty
Gemma Atkinson (my new girlfriend) and her British boobies
Scarlet Johannson
Salma Hayek
Jessica Alba
Elizabeth Hasselbeck
Blanche Devereaux
Mike Shannahan’s dentures
Joe Gibbs’ dimensia
Jeff Fisher’s mustache
Ricky Williams’ weed habit
Fireman Ed
The Great Babu
The Madden Curse
The Hoodie
Tom Brady, the Anti-Christ
Romeo Crennel’s obesity
Denny Green’s obesity
Mike Holmgren’s obesity
Britney Spears’ new-found obesity
Britney Spears’ moccachino addicition
Britney Spears’parenting skills
Britney Spears’ mental illness
Courtney Love’s panties
Homely Kirsten Dunst
Amy Winehouse’s crazy face
Mercury Morris’ bitter, delusionary rants
Chad Pennington’s hair
Jake Delhomme’s hair
Peyton Manning’s horse face
The Wade Phillips Face
The old Buccaneers logo
The Texans logo
The Texas Bikini Team
The USC Song Girls and their tight sweaters
The University of Oregon Cheerleaders
All NFL Cheerleaders everywhere
Marty Schottenheimer’s daught…er….nevermind
Norv Turner and Principal Skinner
Bronco Billy
American Gladiators
The Bachelor
The View
Three’s Company
Scrubs
Heroes
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Bears & Tinks
Marky Mark
Barney Fife
The NAADP
The Heinz Field grounds crew
Derek Anderson’s deal with the devil
Brett Favre’s deal with the devil
Herm Edward’s deal with the devil
Purple Jesus
OJ Simpson
Mike Brown
Mayor Mallory
Johnny B and his mad crush on Jodi Foster
Cleo Lemon
Gus Frerotte
Vinny Testaverde
Jon Kitna
Tony Romo and his girlfriends
Brady Quinn and his dance photos
All of the Bears pasty, white quarterbacks
Kyle Boller
Mike Vick
Pac Man Jones
Chris Henry
Red Sox Nation
Homicidal Raider fans
Suicidal Dolphin fans
Ugly, obese Steeler fans
Kettle Korn
Chipotle Burritos
Miller Chill
Powerthirst
Chucky
Carrot Top
Grammatica I and Grammatica II
Stuart Scott’s left eye
Stuart Scott’s right eye
Chris Berman’s comb-over
Steven A. Smith’s LOUD MOUTH
Sterling Sharpe’s LOUD MOUTH
Nerdy, Jewy Mike Greenberg
Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list
Various sideline reporters
Don Criqui
Bryant Gumble
Joe Sports Talk
Tim McCarver
The writer’s strike
Angry Alec Baldwin
The ridiculously insane TomKat
The ridiculously untalented Dane Cook
Keanu Reeves
Eddie Griffin’s driving skillz
Mama McNabb
Grandma McNabb
and, of course, …Mama Squintz
Thanks to each and every one of you for making this season of Pigskin Palooza a moderate non-failure. Here’s hoping that you can be dumber, fatter, louder, crazier, sexier and more desperate than ever in 2008. Oh, and back to that girl in the bakery. When she asked her dad, “Dad, what’s six times four?”. I interrupted and wittingly replied, “Two dozen.” (get it, we were in a bakery) She said, “Huh?” Then I said, “Um, how many hours are in a day?” As she started to count in her head, I then asked, “What’s the name of the show with Agent Jack Bauer?” She perked up and said “Pirates of the Caribbean!” A tear slowly came to my eye and I knew right then and there that she had also made it onto the list.
Now, on with the matchups….
Saturday
Patriots at Giants-
Both teams playoff spots are locked up so neither really needs this one. But you just know the Patriots want it bad and the Giants would like nothing more than to be the dragon slayers. You know who else wants to be a dragon slayer? Deodorant-deficient geeks who role play Lord of the Rings and go to Renaissance festivals. Me, I’d rather be a unicorn slayer. What's with all the rainbows? And why are they called unicorns anyway? Shouldn’t it be unihorns? What the fuck does corn have to do with it?
And you wondered why I want to slay them.
Sunday
Seahawks at Falcons-
Which quarterback are the Falcons on now? Number seven? Still number six? Is Jeff George back on the roster yet? And just who in the hell is coaching them?
I haven’t seen a team in such disarray since Norman Fell coached the Homeboys in MTV's 1994 Rock n’ Jock Softball Challenge.
Lions at Packers-
Would someone please explain to me why Matt Millen still has a job? Since he took over as Lions GM in 2001, they’ve posted an NFL-worst 31-80 record. He’s gone through three head coaches, four starting quarterbacks, and a number of first round wide receiver draft busts. If the Lions are the NFL’s equivalent of the Waffle House, and I do believe they are, then Millen’s overnight shift has resulted in three cases of salmonella, a stolen cash register, feces smeared all over the bathroom wall, a murder-suicide in the corner booth, and all of the waitresses have quit.
Best of luck with all that.
Niners at Browns-
Hey Cleveland, did you really think your Brownies would make the playoffs with the 32-ranked defense? Really? You know that’s 32 out of 32, right?
By the way, do you think Romeo knew he was signing up to coach the Brownies or did he think he was ordering brownies? Ahh, I can hear the phone conversation now….
Browns GM Ozzie Newsome: “Hey Romeo, do you want to coach the Browns?”
Romeo: “Brownies? I love brownies.”
Ozzy: “Well, the Brownies love you, too. Whaddya say?”
Romeo: “Yeah, give me some brownies.”
Ozzy: “Okay, I’ll send the papers over to your agent.”
Romeo: “No, not to my agent, just send them to my house. Wait, what do you mean, papers? For the brownies?”
Ozzy: “Yes, for the Brownies. To take over the Brownies.”
Romeo: “Yeah, okay, just send ‘em to me. …And make sure they have nuts.”
Ozzy: “What was that?”
Romeo: “Nuts.”
Ozzy: “Oh yeah, we’ve all got to be a little nuts to be in this business, huh? I’ll call you later.”
Romeo: “Okay, just give me those Brownies.”
Jaguars at Texans-
Don’t look now but I think Johnny B's developing a little man-crush on Coach Del Rio.
Panthers at Buccaneers-
The Bucs will likely be resting some starters as they look forward to a home playoff game against the Giants next weekend. Meanwhile, the Panthers have some serious offseason questions to answer, such as “Will John Fox return as head coach?”, “Will Jake Delhomme be the team’s starting quarterback next season?”, and “Will they finally give in to public pressure and change their name to the Charlotte Raes?”
Bills at Eagles-
This could be Donnie Mac’s last game as an Eagle. It’s being speculated that Philly may turn to rookie Kevin Kolb to lead the team in ’08 and if so, McNabb may look to return home to Chicago and take over as signal caller for the Bears. I for one think that’s a fantastic idea. Anything to get Mama McNabb’s sweet 54-48-56 ass a little closer to me is music to my ears.
Tinks (Saints) at Bears-
Good job by the schedule makers to set a Week 17 rematch of last year’s NFC championship game.
Too bad these two teams couldn’t figure out how to handle last year’s success. Watching them this season was like watching Corey Haim and Corey Feldman fall apart in the early ‘90’s. One minute you’re making movies with Heather Graham and hanging out with the King of Pop, the next you’re snorting cocaine off of a trash can lid and wondering why Ethan Hawke and Christian Slater are getting all the good roles.
Bengals at Dolphins-
The Miami Dolphins are now on the clock.
While they take some time to figure out who to select, let’s relax with a few of South Florida’s finest…
Hey look kids, it's Tom Jones! Isn't that...not unusual.
Cowboys at Redskins-
Redskins win and they’re in the playoffs. If I were them, I’d hire a few dozen Jessica Simpson look-alikes to roam the sidelines and get Romo all flustered. Hell, I’d play her videos and show clips from her movies (what are there, like two of ‘em?) on the jumbotron during every timeout. I’d even hire Nick Lachey to sing the national anthem, look over at Tony, and then sniff his finger as he runs it under his nose. Then, I’d send a clubhouse boy to his locker at halftime to deliver pics of Jessica, Carrie Underwood, and me lying in bed together. The ones from our weekend in Tahoe last summer. Man, that was a good time. Too bad they couldn’t handle sharing me. But I was honest with them. I said, “Look, I’m not going to stop seeing Mama Squintz . She makes a mean pot pie an does that thing with her tongue…. I can’t give that up.”
Chiefs at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!
Rams at Cardinals-
Hey fellas, it’s time for the final Cheerleader Posedown of 2007!!
Chargers at Raiders-
Did anyone else happen to catch Phillip Rivers taunting Jay Cutler at the end of the Chargers-Broncos game last Monday Night? He had that look on his face like a drunken redneck looking for a fight outside the bar & grill cause somebody had the gall to say something bad about his truck. What a no-class hickweed that fucker is. Having the mediocre season he’s having, lucky to be on a team that’s winning despite his ineptitude, and he has the stones to talk shit to an opposing QB? My belated Christmas wish is for him to get sucked into the Black Hole this Sunday and come out missing an eye, with a skull shoved up his rectum and a tattoo on his forehead that reads “Al Davis is my Daddy”.
Vikings at Broncos-
Okay, enough of the Purple Jesus stuff. He’s not doing as well over the last few weeks, it’s kinda sacreligious, and, well, it’s getting kinda stale. So, I’ve got a new nickname for him: Purple Headed Soldier. It’s perfect! He’s got a purple helmet, he wears the helmet on his head, and he’s strong & determined like a soldier. Plus, it’s a pretty nifty penis reference.
Steelers at Ravens-
If there was ever a team that could be the poster child for the phrase “Any given Sunday…” it’s the 2007 Baltimore Ravens. If it weren’t for an ill-advised timeout called by Rex Ryan, they’d not only be the only team to beat the Patriots this year, but also the only team to lose to the lowly Dolphins.
So what does this mean? I don’t know, it’s just an observation. Give me a break, there’s only one matchup left, I can see light at the end of the tunnel here.
Sunday Night
Titans at Colts-
Tennessee, like the Redskins, are in a position where if they win, they’re in. More importantly, if they win, the Browns are out. Here’s hoping Jeff Fisher has a little more magic in that world-class cookie duster of his.
Go Titans!
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