The Wake Forest Gumps, rectal bleeding, titty-touching with Tom Brady, and the patron saint of plea bargains & vendettas

It’s T-minus four hours until all the little monsters, super heroes and princesses start coming to the door begging for candy. We’ve got a bucket full of well over 500 pieces of candy at the ready and a nicely pressed mini-pirate costume waiting for our currently napping daughter. I’ve also got a pretty decent-sized headache forming off the coast of my left temple which has the potential of becoming a Category 4 skull storm before the night’s over. Plus, it’s raining. A lot. And did I mention that the majority of my family & my in-laws are headed to my house tonight? Halloween’s a great holiday if you’re a kid. If you’re an adult, not so much. Unless, of course, you go to a non-work-related Halloween party. The kind with men dressed up like women, women dressed up like whores, whores dressed up like french maids giving head in the coat closet to guys wearing Bill Clinton masks, and, of course, an open bar. Kinda like the Arquette’s house at Thanksgiving. But since I don’t have a Halloween party to go to and since I’m no longer welcome at the Arquette’s, this Halloween is shaping up to be just a wet, headachy trek through the neighborhood.

My daughter will love it, though. And that’s what it’s all about- the look on your kids’ faces, filled with excitement over getting free candy from complete strangers. Of course, you usually can’t see the look of excitement, what with the masks and all, but you can certainly sense it, or something. Or maybe it’s not so much a sense of excitement as it is a heart-accelerating sugar buzz. My nephew fills his face with so much candy on Halloween night that he gets an uber-crazy look in his eyes, like Gary Busey at an oxygen bar. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s for the kids. When it comes right down to it, just about everything we do is for the kids, right? So in keeping with that spirit, here’s the Week 9 Matchups. And remember, I’m doing it for the kids….


Boston College at Wake Forest-
Lately, I've been starting these off with a quiz. Many of you have expressed your displeasure, so let's keep it going.
Which of the following were nicknames for Wake Forest before Demon Deacons?
A) Tigers
B) Baptists
C) Old Gold & Black
D) Gumps
E) All of the above, except one

Answer: E)



LSU at Tennessee-
Hey kids, it's the annual "Test the Tint control on your televison" game. See if you can adjust your set to show off the bright lemon yellow of LSU, the bright nuclear glow orange of Tennessee, and the dingy grey of Brent Musberger's personality all at the same time!




Falcons at Lions-
I've said it before and I'll say it again; Ron Mexico is by far, hands down, the greatest herpes-infected quarterback in the history of the NFL.



Bengals at Ravens-
Bob Bratkowski, I'd like to introduce you to Rudi Johnson. He's a tough, nifty running back who has put up back-to-back 1500 yard seasons and the Bengals are 24-0 when he carries the ball at least 25 times. SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT GIVING HIM THE FUCKING BALL A LITTLE MORE, OKAY!?!?



Cowboys at Redskins-
Okay, here's the official word on Tony Romo's deal with the devil: One great season with a 2 to 1 touchdown to interception ratio in return for Tony's soul, his first born son, and an autographed game-worn home jersey.



Packers at Bills-
If both teams decided to skip the game & just go fishing for the afternoon, would anyone really notice?



Texans at Giants-
I think it's great that Tiki Barber has decided to retire after this season & go out on his own terms. Most people forget that the average life expectancy for an African American midget is only about 35 years, so if he wants to do something different with his remaining few years, I say more power to him.





Chiefs at Rams-
St. Louis was recently named the most dangerous city in America, knocking Detroit out of the top spot for the first time since like 1903. Makes sense when you consider that St. Louis is the patron saint of plea bargains and vendettas.




Dolphins at Bears-
Have you ever looked at the calendar & realized that you have a proctologist appointment coming up in a few days? Well, that's the same feeling the Dolphins have right about now. They know it's going to be uncomfortable, mildly painful, a bit embarassing, and just hoping to come out of it without any rectal bleeding.



Vikings at Niners-
Speaking of rectal bleeding. How about that showing by the Vikes last Monday night? On the bright side, this week they get to play the NFL equivalent of KY Jelly.



Saints at Bucs-
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Bruce Gradkowski falling back to earth!



Titans at Jaguars-
Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!




Browns at Chargers-
You think Marty Schottenheimer is going to look across the field and become awash in memories of his days in Cleveland? Remembering times like when Ernest Byner fumbled the 1988 season away, or when John Elway orchestrated The Drive and kept the Browns out of Super Bowl XXI, or when one night when he was nestled all snug in his bed, some 250 miles south, in Oxford, Ohio his daughter was having drunken monkey sex with my college roommate?



Broncos at Steelers-
Just for the record, I've got Week 11 in the "When Will Cowher Pull Big Ben and Start Charlie Batch" pool.



Colts at Patriots-
Yep, there's no use denying it, Tom Brady is the man...





Monday Night

Raiders at Seahawks-

Just in case you have any doubts about the curse...

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

So I went to see Spamalot last weekend. I know what you’re thinking- “Hey, that’s a Broadway musical. You’re gay!” Uh, yeah but it’s also Monty Python, so Hey, no I’m fucking not! The works of Monty Python are a testimony to what brilliant and creative minds can accomplish when they’re given the freedom & resources to take as much drugs as humanly possible. Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes up with dialogue like “ I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” without being hopped-up on a wonderful angel dust-mushroom cocktail. The adaptation for the stage was great. It followed the basic premise of The Holy Grail but branched off a few times to include new scenes and an alternate ending, all of which allowed for the addition of a few more cast members. What kind of cast members? Hot chicks! That's right- hot freakin’, long-legged, big-boobed, beautiful non-British, high-kicking, scantily-clad women, dressed in everything from cheerleader outfits to bikinis to bustierres! I'm telling you, it was Monty Python with hot chicks! This is right up there with peanut butter & jelly, steak & lobster, Donny & Marie, er, whatever. Add in the fact that there was hard liquor available in the lobby & I have just two words to sum-up the evening. Good times.

And it got me to thinking. There were only two things missing that could have made the night perfect: A) an intermission hummer from Mama Squintz, and B) a late-night NFL game as a nightcap. But since I knew that Mama S. was already tied up over at Matt’s house and the NFL doesn’t schedule Saturday night games, I had to settle for an intermission consisting only of friendly conversation and a nightcap of SNL and a slightly sick, not-so-slightly snoring wife. So, why no Saturday Night NFL action? I’m sure ABC would bid on that one. Maybe even Spike TV or Comedy Central. Comedy Central would be fantastic. I can see it now, "Join us every Saturday at 10pm for Saturday Night Football Fever right here on Comedy Central!" Hire Don Criqui & Beasley Reese to be the broadcast team and dress ‘em in white disco suits. Then hire a couple comedians who’s bread & butter is making fun of people, say, Geoffrey Rusch and Patrice O'Neal, and let them provide the commentary over-top of Criqui & Reese. They can hear Don & Beasley but Don & Beasley can’t hear them. Add Jessica Simpson as a sideline reporters & we’ve got gold, baby!

Of course, you’d have to find a way to isolate Criqui and the Beeze so they wouldn’t find out about it, otherwise you’d be one-and-done, right? How to do that, how to do that....I know! - you tell 'em that they're the stars of a new reality show that features two football announcers living together with no contact to the outside world for the entire season. Give them all the stats & game film they need but don’t let them watch tv, read newspapers, call home, just like on Big Brother. Their egos are big enough, they’d probably believe that there are people would actually want to see something like this. Give it a name, like, um, Isolation Booth. Tell ‘em it airs Monday nights on Comedy Central & even let them read fake promos for it during the games. It’s brilliant! I’m brilliant! Ain’t I brilliant?! Ahh, I can hear it now…


Criqui: Welcome back. Don Cruqui and Beasley Reese here at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, where the Rams are holding onto a fourteen to ten lead over the Tennessee Titans. Titans have it, first and ten from their own thirty four yard line. Vince Young back to pass…and he delivers a fastball to his tight end! That should be enough for a first down.

Rush: Would somebody please tell Criqui that this is football, not baseball. There’s pretty much just one way to throw a football- fast & on a line. What was he expecting, a backdoor slider?

Beasley: Nice job of the tight end to get separation from the defender. Look on the replay right here…he gave him a little shove & said “Get outta my way” hahahaha.

O'Neal: Is that what he said Beasley? Really? You heard that from the booth? Shut the fuck up.

Criqui: Oh, and it looks like we have an injured Ram down on the field.

Rush: Did he just say “an injured ram”?

O'Neal: Baaaaa. Baaaaa. Help me, my hoof is broken, Baaaaa!

Criqui: Looks like it’s number fifty one.

Rush: Criqui has no idea who number fifty one is. I’m sure he’s checking the media guide right now. Let’s wait…one….two…three….

Criaui: Wil Witherspoon is the injured Ram on the field and it looks as if it might be some kind of hip flexor.

O'Neal: Now how the fuck does he know that?! What is he, a bad announcer and a bad doctor? Hey, let me diagnose some shit. That guy has a menstrual cramp, Beasley’s got anal warts, and Criqui’s suffering from severe dimensia.

Rush: Patrice, whaddya say we check-in with our sideline reporter, Jessica Simpson? Hey Jessica, tell us, how’s Mark Bulger doing?

Jessica: That’s the Rams quarterback, right?

Rush: Uh, yes.

Jessica: Oh, okay. Well, they say he has a con..a con... a commussion. I mean, a combustion.

Rush: Huh?

Jessica: I mean, a contusion.

Rush: What?

Jessica: You know, a contusion. Like his head hurts really bad.

O'Neal: You mean a concussion?

Jessica: Yeah! That’s when you have a really bad headache, right?

O'Neal: No, that’s a migraine. A concussion is when you’re jogging and your boobs hit you in the head.

Rush: Hey Patrice, Criqui’s talking about his fake show…

Criqui: While we’re waiting for the medical staff to help the injured player, let me remind you that you can catch the latest episode of Isolation Booth this Monday at eight right here on Comedy Central. In this week’s episode, yours truly hides Beasley’s toothbrush and the hilarity ensues. Don’t miss the next episode of Isolation Booth, Mondays at eight on Comedy Central.

O'Neal: That shit kills me every time.


Okay, I’ve gotta get this out in memo form before I forget. But first, on with the Week 8 Matchups…



Syracuse at Cincinnati-
Okay, have you seen the slate of college games this week? It was either go with the home town boys or an Ivy League contest and I’m saving my Ivy League token for the Harvard-Yale battle.


USC at Oregon State-
You didn't think I'd leave out the annual Trojans-Beavers battle, did you?
And for what it's worth, my guess is that the Trojans offense will penentrate the Beavers defense and explode all over them.
Too juvenile? No. Okay then.
By the way, I know you've all seen the USC cheerleaders in their white sweaters. But have you seen them at the beach?


You're welcome.



Cardinals at Packers-
Denny Green's bunch turns in an historic Monday Night choke-job against the Bears, follows that up with a loss to the hopeless Raiders (the RAIDERS!) and now they're headed to Green Bay. If they fall to the crappy Pack, I know one big black teddy bear who's gonna need a lot of blueberry waffles to dull the pain.



Falcons at Bengals-
The Bengals are becoming extremely hard to figure out. Lots of talent but lots of injuries. Sometimes the defense is very good, sometimes it's mildly horrible. They're like the crazy chick that every guy dates for a little while at least once in his life. The one who paints her nails black, collects abstract art, still listens to The Cure, and likes to dress up like Xena & go to Midevil festivals. You're never sure exactly what you're gonna get with a girl like that. She might simply darken the room and light some patchouli, she might whip out some handcuffs and a ball-gag, or, she might fall into a state of desperate manic depression, lock herself in the bathroom, slit her wrists and write some cryptic message on the wall in her own blood. It's real crapshoot, really.



Ravens at Saints-
Okay, at the count of three we'll all wake up and the Saints will be crappy again, just like they're supposed to be. One, two, ....



Texans at Titans-
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the latest Don Criqui Game of the Week!



Jaguars at Eagles-
Apparently Donovan McNabb suffered through another bout of vomiting during last week’s game in Tampa. Is it just me or have I heard this story at least twelve other times? Dude is always barking at the ground. Mark my words, someday we’re gonna see this news headline….




Seahawks at Chiefs-
Nope, no Madden Curse whatsoever.



Niners at Bears-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Urlacher!



Bucs at Giants-
I know a lot of people like this Bruce Gradkowski kid. Gruden likes him ‘cause he’s tougher than Chris Simms. And he’s right, he is tougher than Chris Simms. So is a bowl of vanilla pudding but I’m not gonna put it under-center. Let’s not forget that Brucey G is a terrible roughing the passer penalty and a miracle 62-yard field goal away from being 0-3 since taking over. Excuse me for not getting on the bandwagon yet but I like my quarterbacks over 6-ft tall and non-Polish, thank you.



Rams at Chargers-
Shawne Merriman doesn’t want you to judge him on the latest news that he tested positive for steroids. His agent wants you to know that it was caused by a tainted nutritional supplement, not by shooting-up in some dark alley. I want them both to know that the commissioner is going to suspend Shawne for six games. Four for the steroid use, one for treating the fans like we’re stupid, and one for having the useless “e” on the end of his name.



Colts at Broncos-
Warning to Jake Plummer: Backup Quarterbacks In Your Rear View Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear.



Jets at Browns-
It is my sincere pleasure to introduce the new New York Jets flag girls....









Steelers at Raiders-
In the last three months, Ben Slothlisberger has had a motorcycle accident which resulted in a broken jaw, loss of teeth, and various contusions. He’s also suffered two concussions, and has had to have his appendix removed. Yep, I’d say my voodoo doll is working just fine.



Cowboys at Panthers-
Okay Coach Parcells, let me have a look at your chart. Hmmm…you’re borderline morbidly obese, you work for an overbearing owner who likes to sit-in on your meetings, you have to deal with a rabid and increasingly unhappy fan base, a rabid and increasingly unhappy wide receiver, and now you’re going with an unexperienced quarterback…. Do you want me to schedule your double-bypass now, or would you like to check your schedule?


Monday Night

Patriots at Vikings-
Did somebody say Vikings? And Spam?...

I'm so not impressed

I’m easily amused. I still laugh at Tom & Jerry cartoons, I rank Jackass 2 in my list of top five movies of 2006, I’ve been known to sometimes spend an hour or so in a novelty store looking at the funny t-shirts & reading the adult birthday cards, and I almost pee myself every time I watch the scene in Dumb or Dumber when Harry & Lloyd are smacking each other with their canes. Like I said, I’m easily amused. What I’m not, however, is easily impressed. Your kid won first place in the Science Fair? Great. The guy down the street just performed CPR on a cat. Good for him. Your brother just found a cure for botchillism. Fantastic, here’s a cookie. It’s just the way I’m wired. If I didn’t do it or it didn’t happen to me, eh, whatever. Selfish? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

That being said, there were three things happened this past week that almost impressed me- The Cardinals unprecedented choke job on Monday night, the on-field brawl between Miami and Florida International on Saturday, and the revealing of the now near-complete transformation of Ashlee Simpson. I'll start with the Cardinals. Now there are meltdowns, there are nuclear meltdowns, and then there’s the kind of meltdown Denny Green’s boys had on national tv Monday night. They were up 23-3 in the 4th quarter in front of a jacked-up and packed house, on the verge of knocking-off the undefeated & seemingly undefeatable Bears, and on the cusp of finally changing their own image from “laughingstocks” to “contenders”. Then it happened. They became the old Cardinals again. Sack, fumble, touchdown, fumble, touchdown, punt, touchdown, missed field goal, game over. Still laughingstocks. It’s not easy to blow a 20-point lead against a team who’s offense commits six turnovers and looks as disjointed as a train wreck but the Cardinals did it and they made it look quite easy.

Equally almost impressive was Denny Green’s postgame comments. Sure, he raised his voice a little and punched the podium, but I’d say he kept it together pretty well considering what had just went down. If it were me, I would’ve shown up with an ice pick & a hammer and been begging someone to drive it into the back of my skull. Either that or you would’ve found me aimlessly wandering around the parking lot, glassy-eyed, naked, and chewing on one of my shoes. I wonder how Denny eventually calmed down. I suspect it may have involved a stack of waffles and whole lot of chocolate syrup.

As near-impressive as the Cards meltdown was, even more nearly impressive was the Battle Royale that took place in Miami on Saturday. The Miami Hurricanes and the Florida International Whatevers had a bench-clearing brawl that lasted almost four minutes, resulted in thirteen players being ejected from the game and almost certainly had Vince McMahon taking notes. It started out between a defensive lineman and a holder on an extra point attempt, then quickly escalated and eventually branched off into several fights. There were more skirmishes going on at once than a middle east conflict. This baby had it all- helmet-swinging, players being kicked while on the ground, even an injured player swinging his crutch around. The only thing missing was a referee being accidentally hit from behind with a metal folding chair. In case you missed it, check it out & make sure you have the volume turned up loud so you can hear the comments of the color analyst. He starts running his mouth as the fight winds down.



And yes, the commentator was fired on Monday. The thug players, however, merely got served with one-game suspensions. Nice to see that the standards of behavior are still in-tact at the U.

Last but not least, a little bit about Ashlee Simpson. It seems as though her not-so-subtle Dr. 90210-inspired transformation is almost complete. Nose job, boob job, lip job... She’s gone from being borderline homely and having a horrible voice to being stunningly attractive and having a horrible voice. In case you haven’t seen her lately, check it out-

This is certainly going to help album sales but more importantly, assuming she can become a slightly better actor than her sister, it now makes her a strong candidate for some soft core porn in a few years. Yes! She instantly joins the likes of Elizabeth Berkely, Shannon Elizabeth, Tiffany Amber Thiessen, Neve Campbell, and Posh Spice in the category of former stars who have just the right mix of looks and lack of talent that Cinemax has each of their agents phone numbers on speed dial. Speaking of which, you know the only bad thing about My Name is Earl is that it’s success has, at least temporarily, taken Jaime Pressly off of that list. It’s gonna be a while before we see her in anything like this again…




You’re welcome. Go ahead, take a minute, walk it off, do whatever you gotta do, I’ll wait.




…..Okay, now on with the Week 7 Matchups


Texas at Nebraska-
Let's start with a quick quiz. Which of the following was a nickname for the Nebraska football team before “Cornhuskers”?

A) Antelopes
B) Gold Knights
C) Rattlesnake Boys
D) Bugeaters

Answer: all of the above. Seriously.



Georgia Tech at Clemson-
#12 vs #13 in a prime time matchup. Hey, at least one of the three Bowden’s is doing well.



UCLA at Notre Dame-
I know this is the third time I’ve included a Notre Dame game in the matchups. This week, I have a good reason. It gives me a chance to post this:



and this...





Sex Panthers at Bengals-
This just in: You are no longer allowed to sack the quarterback.


Damn you, Mike Carey. Damn you straight to Hell!

And no, I’m not bitter.




Lions at Jets-
J-E-T-…okay, they both suck.
I make it a general rule not to watch any game where both QBs have rag arms. Now, I know you don’t have to be 6’4”, 240 lbs, laser, rocket arm to be a good quarterback but I do think you at least need to be able to be the favorite if entered into a 13-and-over Punt, Pass and Kick competition.



Packers at Dolphins-
What do you think Brett Favre will miss most when this season ends. Check out this week’s poll question up & over to the right to submit your vote.



Jaguars at Texans-
Fred Taylor and the Jaguars travel to Houston to take on Reggie Bush and the Texans, this Sunday on CBS! What? He’s not? Oh, right. Dammit, why can’t I remember that?!



Patriots at Bills-
I’m wishing upon a star that Takeo Spikes hits Corey Dillon so hard that they merge into one human being and form one super-powerful dickhead.


Eagles at Bucs-
I lifted this off of Bruce Gradkowski’s voicemail yesterday:
Mr. Gradkowski, this is a courtesy call to remind you that your free-look period with Satan expires this week. If you like what you’ve experienced so far and you’d like to make a deal, please call 1-900-GET-HOTT during normal business hours and ask for Marcy. Thank you and have a great day.



Steelers at Falcons-
Not to jinx him or anything but Mike Vick hasn’t been injured yet this season. Six straight weeks, going on seven. That’s like, what, four weeks past his previous record?
You da man, Mikey!



Chargers at Chiefs-
This game involves the worst dancer in the NFL. That’s right, I said dancer. And if you don’t believe me, keep an eye out for an NFL Network commercial. It's the one featuring several Chargers including Phillip Rivers. There are a couple guys standing around a water cooler, then some Chargers show up.....here, take a look for yourselves. The "Rivers" Dance comes towards the end. He's in the back on the left...



I’m writing him a letter tonight and requesting that he adopts the move for his touchdown dance.



Broncos at Browns-
Over-Under on the number of points to be scored in this one: 3
I’ll take the under.



Cardinals at Raiders-
If the Cardinals follow-up last week’s choker with a loss to the hopeless Raiders, I fully expect to see Denny Green on the sidelines, putting on a blindfold and lighting a last cigarette.



Vikings at Seahawks-
Nope, no such thing as a Madden Curse.



Redskins at Colts-
Want to try something new for Sunday night's game? Here's a quick & easy recipe that the whole family can enjoy.
I call them Manning Sanwiches.
Take three dillweeds, one cup of goofy beans, a dash of southern twang, and a sprinkle of flatulence. Toss the ingredients in a large bowl, pour in some media attention and let sit until it is completely over-saturated. Simmer on low heat for 30 minutes, then serve on slices of toasted white bread or saltine crackers and enjoy.
Be sure to make extra to save for tomorrow night, too...



Monday Night

Giants at Cowboys-
Who would you rather see sporting a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outift?
A) Michelle Tafoya
B) Tony Kornheiser
C) Andrea Kremer
D) Yiddy

If you answered A), you like 'em chunky.
If you answered B), you like 'em balding.
If you answered C), you like 'em bug-eyed.
And if you answered D), your name is Mama Squintz.