I’m easily amused. I still laugh at Tom & Jerry cartoons, I rank Jackass 2 in my list of top five movies of 2006, I’ve been known to sometimes spend an hour or so in a novelty store looking at the funny t-shirts & reading the adult birthday cards, and I almost pee myself every time I watch the scene in Dumb or Dumber when Harry & Lloyd are smacking each other with their canes. Like I said, I’m easily amused. What I’m not, however, is easily impressed. Your kid won first place in the Science Fair? Great. The guy down the street just performed CPR on a cat. Good for him. Your brother just found a cure for botchillism. Fantastic, here’s a cookie. It’s just the way I’m wired. If I didn’t do it or it didn’t happen to me, eh, whatever. Selfish? Maybe. True? Absolutely.
That being said, there were three things happened this past week that almost impressed me- The Cardinals unprecedented choke job on Monday night, the on-field brawl between Miami and Florida International on Saturday, and the revealing of the now near-complete transformation of Ashlee Simpson. I'll start with the Cardinals. Now there are meltdowns, there are nuclear meltdowns, and then there’s the kind of meltdown Denny Green’s boys had on national tv Monday night. They were up 23-3 in the 4th quarter in front of a jacked-up and packed house, on the verge of knocking-off the undefeated & seemingly undefeatable Bears, and on the cusp of finally changing their own image from “laughingstocks” to “contenders”. Then it happened. They became the old Cardinals again. Sack, fumble, touchdown, fumble, touchdown, punt, touchdown, missed field goal, game over. Still laughingstocks. It’s not easy to blow a 20-point lead against a team who’s offense commits six turnovers and looks as disjointed as a train wreck but the Cardinals did it and they made it look quite easy.
Equally almost impressive was Denny Green’s postgame comments. Sure, he raised his voice a little and punched the podium, but I’d say he kept it together pretty well considering what had just went down. If it were me, I would’ve shown up with an ice pick & a hammer and been begging someone to drive it into the back of my skull. Either that or you would’ve found me aimlessly wandering around the parking lot, glassy-eyed, naked, and chewing on one of my shoes. I wonder how Denny eventually calmed down. I suspect it may have involved a stack of waffles and whole lot of chocolate syrup.
As near-impressive as the Cards meltdown was, even more nearly impressive was the Battle Royale that took place in Miami on Saturday. The Miami Hurricanes and the Florida International Whatevers had a bench-clearing brawl that lasted almost four minutes, resulted in thirteen players being ejected from the game and almost certainly had Vince McMahon taking notes. It started out between a defensive lineman and a holder on an extra point attempt, then quickly escalated and eventually branched off into several fights. There were more skirmishes going on at once than a middle east conflict. This baby had it all- helmet-swinging, players being kicked while on the ground, even an injured player swinging his crutch around. The only thing missing was a referee being accidentally hit from behind with a metal folding chair. In case you missed it, check it out & make sure you have the volume turned up loud so you can hear the comments of the color analyst. He starts running his mouth as the fight winds down.
And yes, the commentator was fired on Monday. The thug players, however, merely got served with one-game suspensions. Nice to see that the standards of behavior are still in-tact at the U.
Last but not least, a little bit about Ashlee Simpson. It seems as though her not-so-subtle Dr. 90210-inspired transformation is almost complete. Nose job, boob job, lip job... She’s gone from being borderline homely and having a horrible voice to being stunningly attractive and having a horrible voice. In case you haven’t seen her lately, check it out-
This is certainly going to help album sales but more importantly, assuming she can become a slightly better actor than her sister, it now makes her a strong candidate for some soft core porn in a few years. Yes! She instantly joins the likes of Elizabeth Berkely, Shannon Elizabeth, Tiffany Amber Thiessen, Neve Campbell, and Posh Spice in the category of former stars who have just the right mix of looks and lack of talent that Cinemax has each of their agents phone numbers on speed dial. Speaking of which, you know the only bad thing about My Name is Earl is that it’s success has, at least temporarily, taken Jaime Pressly off of that list. It’s gonna be a while before we see her in anything like this again…
You’re welcome. Go ahead, take a minute, walk it off, do whatever you gotta do, I’ll wait.
…..Okay, now on with the Week 7 Matchups
Texas at Nebraska-
Let's start with a quick quiz. Which of the following was a nickname for the Nebraska football team before “Cornhuskers”?
A) Antelopes
B) Gold Knights
C) Rattlesnake Boys
D) Bugeaters
Answer: all of the above. Seriously.
Georgia Tech at Clemson-
#12 vs #13 in a prime time matchup. Hey, at least one of the three Bowden’s is doing well.
UCLA at Notre Dame-
I know this is the third time I’ve included a Notre Dame game in the matchups. This week, I have a good reason. It gives me a chance to post this:
and this...
Sex Panthers at Bengals-
This just in: You are no longer allowed to sack the quarterback.
Damn you, Mike Carey. Damn you straight to Hell!
And no, I’m not bitter.
Lions at Jets-
J-E-T-…okay, they both suck.
I make it a general rule not to watch any game where both QBs have rag arms. Now, I know you don’t have to be 6’4”, 240 lbs, laser, rocket arm to be a good quarterback but I do think you at least need to be able to be the favorite if entered into a 13-and-over Punt, Pass and Kick competition.
Packers at Dolphins-
What do you think Brett Favre will miss most when this season ends. Check out this week’s poll question up & over to the right to submit your vote.
Jaguars at Texans-
Fred Taylor and the Jaguars travel to Houston to take on Reggie Bush and the Texans, this Sunday on CBS! What? He’s not? Oh, right. Dammit, why can’t I remember that?!
Patriots at Bills-
I’m wishing upon a star that Takeo Spikes hits Corey Dillon so hard that they merge into one human being and form one super-powerful dickhead.
Eagles at Bucs-
I lifted this off of Bruce Gradkowski’s voicemail yesterday:
Mr. Gradkowski, this is a courtesy call to remind you that your free-look period with Satan expires this week. If you like what you’ve experienced so far and you’d like to make a deal, please call 1-900-GET-HOTT during normal business hours and ask for Marcy. Thank you and have a great day.
Steelers at Falcons-
Not to jinx him or anything but Mike Vick hasn’t been injured yet this season. Six straight weeks, going on seven. That’s like, what, four weeks past his previous record?
You da man, Mikey!
Chargers at Chiefs-
This game involves the worst dancer in the NFL. That’s right, I said dancer. And if you don’t believe me, keep an eye out for an NFL Network commercial. It's the one featuring several Chargers including Phillip Rivers. There are a couple guys standing around a water cooler, then some Chargers show up.....here, take a look for yourselves. The "Rivers" Dance comes towards the end. He's in the back on the left...
I’m writing him a letter tonight and requesting that he adopts the move for his touchdown dance.
Broncos at Browns-
Over-Under on the number of points to be scored in this one: 3
I’ll take the under.
Cardinals at Raiders-
If the Cardinals follow-up last week’s choker with a loss to the hopeless Raiders, I fully expect to see Denny Green on the sidelines, putting on a blindfold and lighting a last cigarette.
Vikings at Seahawks-
Nope, no such thing as a Madden Curse.
Redskins at Colts-
Want to try something new for Sunday night's game? Here's a quick & easy recipe that the whole family can enjoy.
I call them Manning Sanwiches.
Take three dillweeds, one cup of goofy beans, a dash of southern twang, and a sprinkle of flatulence. Toss the ingredients in a large bowl, pour in some media attention and let sit until it is completely over-saturated. Simmer on low heat for 30 minutes, then serve on slices of toasted white bread or saltine crackers and enjoy.
Be sure to make extra to save for tomorrow night, too...
Monday Night
Giants at Cowboys-
Who would you rather see sporting a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outift?
A) Michelle Tafoya
B) Tony Kornheiser
C) Andrea Kremer
D) Yiddy
If you answered A), you like 'em chunky.
If you answered B), you like 'em balding.
If you answered C), you like 'em bug-eyed.
And if you answered D), your name is Mama Squintz.
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