I’ve had three ongoing fantasies throughout my adult life. Well, three not counting the one about me, Mama Squintz, the girl in that old Chris Isaak video, and a hot tub filled with raspberry syrup. Sometimes that one involves a mustang, too. The car, not the horse. Usually. Anyway, like I said, I’ve had three ongoing fantasies. One involves me quarterbacking a last-minute touchdown drive in the Super Bowl, another takes place in Sweden where I get caught-up in a case of mistaken identity and am crowned their king, and the third fantasy is simple. The third fantasy is that I can fly. Like a bird.
Why do I mention this? Because I’m partially insane & have somehow conceded to writing a few paragraphs of mindless crap for you guys each week. And also because on my new third-favorite show, Heroes (NBC, Mondays, 9pm), there’s a guy who realizes that he can fly. No really, it's true. The show is about a bunch of unrelated people from around the world who are each simultaneously figuring out that they have a special power. There’s the guy who can fly, a cop who can hear people’s thoughts, an artist who can see the future, a high school cheerleader who’s indestructible, an asian dude who, when he squints real hard like he’s force-dumping some moo shoo pork, can teleport himself, and an internet porn whore who has some kind of evil twin who dishes out midevil ass-kickings. I'm hooked. When it's on, I get all glassy-eyed and block out the rest of the world. Kinda like Rosie O'Donnell staring at a Waffle House menu.
And the whole thing has got me re-thinking my “flying” fantasy. If I could have a super power, would I really want it to be the ability to fly? Um…….no. Mainly because of the invention of surface-to-air missles. Let’s face it, if you have a super power, you’re gonna have to fight crime. Otherwise, you’re just a selfish freakshow, right? So, if you’re gonna fight crime, you’ve gotta come with something stronger than just being able to fly. You’d ideally need three or four super powers, but if for the sake of this discussion that I’m having with myself I can only pick one, I’m going to have to go with.... mind control.
Invisibility, X-ray vision, super strength, elasticity, they all have some major downsides. But what's the downside to mind control? Want a criminal to put down his gun? No problem. Want an evil warlord to become a peace-loving tree-hugger? Check. Want the bartender to put more vodka in your bloody mary? Consider it done. Just imagine the endless possiblities if you could control everyone else's thoughts and desires. The world would be like your own personal Sims game. It'd be fantastic! However, my pal Jerry, as is his nature, has presented me with two potential problems: 1) You get someone to do something and then regret your decision. True, and that would probably happen fairly often but would always be fixable through the use of some more mind control to reverse the outcome. 2) In order to engage the mind control, you have to give that ultra serious squinty-eyed look that's usually only performed by famous illusionists and over-acting soap opera stars who've just received some disturbing news as the camera fades to commercial. This is a problem because the look would be a dead giveaway to people in your presence that you're emploring the mind control. You'd have to hone the skill & do it with a poker face.
Also, it goes without saying that for mind control to truly maximize its usefullness and its opportunities for comedic relief, it would absolutely positively have to work through the television as well as in-person. Trust me when I say that local newscasts would never be the same.
So how does this relate to football? It doesn't. But it could. Let's take a look at what would happen this weekend if I had the power of mind control....
Texas at Oklahoma-
During pregame ceremonies, all student passengers in the Sooner Schooner mysteriously decide to move to the same side of the schooner, causing it to tip over onto its' side, trapping two Texas marching band trombone players and one bassoonist underneath.
Oregon at Cal-
Despite the pleading of their head coach, the Cal players, on every kickoff return, punt return, and offensive play, try to re-enact the 1981 miracle five-lateral finish against Stanford.
Bills at Bears-
In an odd turn of events, the Bears entire starting defensive unit skips the game and instead decides to spend their Sunday afternoon waiting in line for tickets to an upcoming taping of Oprah. Upon hearing the news, Vegas immediately moves the Bears from a 12-point favorite to a 3-point favorite.
Browns at Sex Panthers-
As part of some bizarre pregame ritual, each member of the Cleveland Browns takes a dump in his helmet before placing it on his head.
(Why? Because I don't live in Cleveland, I live in Cincinnati! That's why.)
Lions at Vikings-
In the first half, Viking defenders do everything they can not to defend Jon Kitna's pass attempts. He ends the first half with 589 yards passing and six touchdowns. In the second half, every time Kitna drops to pass, he inexplicably heaves the ball straight up into the air as if he's trying to hit the Metrodome ceiling. He ends the second half on the bench after going 0-for-6 with two interceptions.
During the postgame press conference, Kitna explains that it was simply God's will.
Dolphins at Patriots-
Corey Dillon leaves the game in the second quarter with a seperated shoulder after oddly and repeatedly attempting to straightarm himself.
Rams at Packers-
In a move that others will describe as "completely out of character", the Packers equipment manager replaces "FAVRE" on the back of Brett Favre's jersey with "INTERCEPTION MACHINE". The move is noticed too close to game time to do anything about it, so Favre is forced to take the field wearing the "INTERCEPTION MACHINE" jersey. Favre responds by predictably tossing four interceptions.
Bucs at Saints-
Midway through the third quarter at Raymond James Stadium, the usual skull & bones main sail of the end zone pirate ship is lowered and this one is hoisted in its place:
Titans at Colts-
With every completion by Peyton Manning, a pacing Jeff Fisher pulls out a trimmer and shaves off part of his mustache. After Manning's 30th completion of the day, Fisher's mustache is almost one-quarter of the way gone.
Redskins at Giants-
Satan shows up on the field during the fourth quarter to take Mark Brunell's soul. When Brunell pleads with him, saying that the deal was for a full year of Pro Bowl-caliber performance, Satan says, "So sue me" and then reaches into the back of Brunell's neck.
Chiefs at Cardinals-
Shortly after kickoff, a stunned crowd watches as Cardinals head coach Denny Green strips down to his underwear yelling, "Damn it's hot. It's Africa hot out here. .....Fuck! I'm fuckin' burnin' up. .....Fuck me, it's fuckin' hot!"
Jets at Jaguars-
Immediately after the Jags first scoring drive, play-by-play announcer Don Criqui continuously shouts, "J!-E!-T!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!" until his mic is finally turned off and he's whisked away back to a mental hospital in upstate New York.
Raiders at Niners-
New NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell attends the game. Prior to the coin toss, he unexpectedly saunters to the 50-yard line, glass of whisky in one hand, a cigarette in the other, grabs the referee's field mike and shouts, "Welcome to the 2007 NFL Draft. The Oakland Raiders are now on the clock."
Cowboys at Eagles-
As part of a touchdown celebration, Terell Owens runs to the stands and proposes to Mama McNabb. She accepts. Later that evening, Donovan McNabb is rushed to the hospital after downing a bottle of pain killers.
Steelers at Chargers-
While in an offensive huddle in the first quarter, Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward remove each other's helmets and proceed to French-kiss each other for approximately 45 seconds before being seperated by Joey Porter. Porter and Ward then swap spit for another 30 seconds or so before being seperated by Troy Polamalu. This chain of activity continues the overabundance of removing-the-helmet, delay of game, too-may-men-on-the-field and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties cause the Steelers to forfeit the contest.
Monday Night
Ravens at Broncos-
This cheerleader skips the game & instead decides to fly to Ohio and watch the game at my house. And yes, she's wearing her uniform.
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