Hnnnggghhh!

I was having a hard time trying to decide what to ramble on about this week. First, there’s Stuart Scott’s eyes which have somehow become even freakier. Over the last couple years they’ve gone from “ooogly-googly” to “disturbing” to “distracting” and now have propelled Stu to “human oddity” level. I was so taken aback Monday night so as to do some research and find out that his right eye, the blueish-grey one, has always been bad but he injured his left eye, the lazy brown one (how ironic), while trying out for the New York Jets. As the story goes, he was doing a story for ESPN on what it’s like to go through training camp as a wide receiver. While trying to catch passes being rifled at him by a machine, one came at him a little too fast and, BOOYAH! Detetched retina, damaged cornea. No word as to the reason for the extra freakishness of the eyes lately.

Secondly, just so you know, I’m shopping around for a country led by a maniacal dictator. If the climate is right, I’d seriously consider moving my family to one of them just so I don’t have to be subjected to any more political tv commercials. It’s just a constant stream of assbags accusing their opponents of running negative ads and then proceeding to run their own negative ads.

“Hi, I’m Stumpy McGee and I approve this message.”

Narrator, spoken over heavy music and unflattering black & white pictures: “Bob Williams wants you to believe that he’s for the middle class. Truth is, Bob voted to raise taxes on the middle class 74 times while voting to eliminate taxes for the rich forever. He also took extravagant business trips and even got a 20-percent pay raise. Plus, Bob worships Satan and habitually tortures kittens and bunnies. He once even hired a gorilla to ass-rape his own mother.”

Narrator, spoken over light music and vibrant color pictures: Stumpy McGee loves his mother. He’s good to all of God’s creatures. And, he’s prepared to lower your taxes. Stumpy is also a staunch environmental supporter. Stumpy’s so good for the environment that even when he farts, his ass produces a crisp breeze that smells of orchids & attracts beautiful butterflies and hummingbirds…..”

Who are they directing these ads towards, the unbelievably gullable and naive? The retarded? The old Hee Haw audience? I saw an ad the other day that went so far as to use a celebrity impersonator and perform a ficticious voicemail message. Next, I predict one of these slush fund fuckers will use some creative video editing and depict his opponent doing things like punching an old homeless lady, dropping a baby down a well, pissing on an American flag, and having unprotected sex with a live underage chicken at a Klan rally. Yea democracy! More on this topic at a later date.

I also gave serious thought this week to using this space to discuss the effect of global warming on the indigenous creatures of the lower Arctic zone near northern Asia, including the puffin, the ermine and the musk fox. However, all of these ideas were quickly put on the backburner of my brain when I read that TV Land is premiering a new reality show this month called, I Pity the Fool. I don’t think I need to tell you who the star is. Let’s just say he’s still rockin’ the mowhawk and starts most sentences by saying “Hnnnggghhh”. According to the web site (http://www.tvland.com/originals/ipitythefool/), Dr. Phil and Tony Robbins need to watch out ‘cause Mr. T’s on a mission to change real people’s lives. Apparently he’s going to “dispense advise, motivate procrastinators, and rev up slackers.” Seriously. I’m sure we’re also going to be treated to the inner sanctum of the T house where we can see how he maintains the mowhawk, sleeps with sixty pounds of gold around his neck, and broadens his horizons by listening to Mozart & reading Shakespeare, and, of course, see his softer side as he does things like counseling kids and adopting pets.

In any case, the show gave me an idea. The NFL Network should hire T to join the practice squad of an NFL team. Give the team an exemption for an extra member & film his adventures. Show him getting in guys’ faces and saying things like “Hnnnggghhh,….Dead meat.” and “I pity the fool tries to chop- block me.” And what team do you put him on? That’s an easy one, right? The Raiders. Oh my God, I’m so giddy with excitement that I just spun around in my office chair! This would be fabulous! (yes, I just typed “fabulous” and no, I’m not gay). Think about the possibilities; Mr. T, Randy Moss, Warren Sapp, Al Davis, Art Shell….holy crap! You throw these guys together, title it Mr. T’s: Commitment to Excellence and we’re talking television gold, folks.

Now, on to the matchups. And yes, there are three college games on the slate this week due to the excessive number of NFL teams that have byes. Enjoy…


Missouri at Texas A&M-
Here’s a quick quiz. What does the “A&M” stand for?
a) architecture & masonry
b) alcohol & marijuana
c) agricultural & magricultural
d) assholes & mean drunks
e) other

Answer: e) other



Michigan at Penn State-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my 2006 Halloween costume….





Florida at Auburn-
Auburn’s national title hopes were dashed with a home loss last week at the hands of Arkansas. This week, they hope to get revenge by ending the title hopes of SEC rival Florida. But enough of all that, let’s compare cheerleaders!




And now to join me in running down this week’s NFL action, here’s Mr. T. Actually, it’s just my friend Joe who does a mean Mr. T impression but just go with me here, okay?
Mr. T, it’s great to have you here helping with the Week 6 Matchups.

Hnnnggghhh. The pleasure’s all yours, fool.

Yes it is, yes it is. We don’t have a whole lot of time so whaddya say we go ahead and get started? But first, let's go ahead and take a look at a clip from your new tv show. Tell us what this clip is about.

It's about me, fool. I go to a car dealership and rev up the engines of some car salesmen who need Mr. T's help. Just play the clip, fool.



Wow, good stuff. I really like the jump suit. Red really brings out the anger in your eyes.

Where’s my Powerade? My manager said you’d have some Powerade for me. And don’t give me any of that sissy Strawberry pink, or space alien blue, I like the gold Powerade.

It’s on the way T, don’t worry. Ah, here it is now. Thanks Johnny B.

So, now that we've played the clip and the Powerade is to your liking, let’s get on with the rest of the matchups. First game on the list is what I affectionately call our Don Criqui Game of the Week- Bills at Lions.

Hnnnggghhh. I pity the fool who watches this game. These teams got no business in the NFL.

You’re right, T. Who do you like?

I don’t like neither of ‘em.

Well, you gotta pick one.

Hnnnggghhh.

Or not.

I’ll take the Lions. Mr. T don’t like bills. Especially since A-Team got cancelled.

Fair enough, Mr. T likes the Lions.



Next is the Sex Panthers at the Ravens.

The what Panthers?
The, um, the Sex Panthers. They’re playing the Ravens who have a very tough defense led by tough guy Ray Lewis.

Hnnnggghhh. I’d knock Ray Lewis into next week, fool.

T likes the Sex Panthers.

Shut up, fool!



Bengals at Buccaneers. Chris Simms is out the rest of the year after losing his spleen but rookie Bruce Gradkowski looked good in his debut last week.

I removed my own spleen once.

Uh, why did you do that?

I was hungry, fool. Growing up, I got three meals a day: oatmeal, miss-a-meal, and no-meal.

I’m sorry to hear that. Who do you like, Bengals or Bucs.

I like bucks. Watch my new tv show, I Pity the Fool on TV Land. And buy my action figures, or I’ll beat’cha down, fool!



Okay, now on to The Battle of Texas, Texans at Cowboys. Parcells says Bledsoe will remain the starting quarterback in Dallas. Do you think that’s a good idea?

Bledsoe’s not the problem. That fool T.O. needs to stop all his jibba-jabba and play ball.




Giants at Falcons. This should be a good one. Eli Manning had a great game last week and Mike Vick seems to be on top of his game.

Hnnnggghhh. I’d catch Mike Vick and snap his legs, fool. That sucka gave my sista an STD. Said his name was Ron Mexico. Hnnnggghhh. Someday I’m gonna find him and teach that sucka a lesson.

So you like the Giants?

No, fool.

So you like the Falcons?

Quit all your jibba-jabba, stop tryin’ to confuse Mr. T.



Chargers at the Niners.

Mr. T don’t…

Sorry T, I need to take this one. Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!

Hnnnggghhh.

That’s kinda my thing. I uh…

…Let’s move on to the Eagles at the Saints. The Saints seem to be riding a wave of good fortune this season. Drew Brees is having a great year, Reggie Bush hasn’t disappointed….but the Eagles sure did look impressive versus Dallas last week. Who do you like in this one?

That fool Balboa was from Philly. I pity that fool. Hnnnggghhh.



Seahawks at the Rams, whaddya think?

The Rams wear gold and Mr. T goes by the Golden Rule: He who wears the gold makes the rules.



Vince Young and the Titans are at the Redskins.

I need more Powerade, fool!

I’ll mark you down for Washington.


Okay, Chiefs at Steelers. No Trent Green and no Larry Johnson for KC. But Big Ben hasn’t looked good this year…

He’s a fool. Mr. T always says Safety First. Don’t go around ridin’ your motorcycle without no helmet. That’s askin’ for trouble, fool. He’s a bad role model for the childrens. Mr. T hates bad role models.

So you’re saying that you hate Ben Roethlisberger?

No, I don’t hate him. I pity the fool. Where’s my Powerade, sucka?!


Uh, Dolphins at the Jets, and here’s Johnny B with some more Powerade.

I said gold Powerade, fool!

Apparently, T, we only have blue Powerade left in the fridge.

Hnnnggghhh.

Run Johnny B, run!......He’s such a girl.
So, Dolphins at Jets. Who do you like?

J-E-T-S, Suck! Suck!! Suckas!!!

Oh no you di’in’t. You my dog, T!

Hnnnggghhh.



Okay, two more T. The Sunday night game has the Raiders at the Broncos. Did you like my idea of a reality show based on you playing on the Raiders practice squad? I think it’d be great!

Mr. T ain’t practice squad material, fool. I’d start on that sad-sack team.

You know, you’re probably right.

I know I’m right, fool. I’d start for the Broncos, too. Put me on the Broncos.

What about coaching? How about you coach the Raiders? They’re gonna need a new coach, someone to lead them back to prominence. You could do it. Hell, you’re smarter than Art Shell.

It takes a smart man to play dumb, fool.


Whatever. Last one- Monday Night Football, Bears at Cardinals. Your prediction…

Pain.

Thanks T, it was a pleasure.

Hnnnggghhh.

And Johnny B says good luck with your crappy reality show.

Hnnnggghhh!!!

Run Johnny B, run!