You know how you feel after a big Thanksgiving dinner, all heavy & bloated, kinda tired, and not wanting to get up too fast for fear that you might upchuck in your mouth a little bit? Yeah, well that's me right now, thanks to an "I don't feel like cooking tonight" comment from the wife which resulted in a family trip to my own personal culinary Disneyland.... Steak n Shake. Most of my trips to Steak n Shake result in some serious caloric intake, thanks to either a Double Steakburger or a Frisco Melt accompanied by a side order of fries, a crock of baked beans, and an ice cold Coke. Tonight, however, was a little different. Tonight, instead of an ice cold Coke, I had, for the first time ever, a Cheesecake Shake. Or as I now like to call it, "a taste bud orgasm with a cherry on top". If it wasn't for the fact that my wife & daughter were with me, I probably would've lost complete control and still be sitting there right now, working on my thirty-seventh shake, workers and patrons gathered around the booth chanting my name, while some poor shmuck from Fox 19 News Crew straightens his tie and gets ready to broadcast the event live to the rest of the tri-state.
And you know, it's a complete a bullshit move by Steak n Shake. It's a helmet-to-helmet hit on a defenseless player, a chop-block, a finger in the eye, a blatant sweep of the leg. I'm Daniel Caruso and Steak n Shake is the Kobra Kai. Anybody who knows me knows that there are three things I just cannot resist: cheesecake, grape glaciers (grape slushes with ice cream in 'em), and rim jobs from Mama Squintz. And yes, if Mama Squintz ever gets a job at a Whippy Dip that serves cheesecake, I'll go there and no one will ever hear from me again.
So Steak n Shake suckered me, I gorged myself and now I need to go buy some husky-size jeans. Seriously, I think that I gained somewhere between eight and eleven pounds tonight. If I knew what I weighed before the meal, I'd step on the scale right now, do the math, then come back & give ya the results. By the way, is it stupid that I don't know exactly how much I weigh? You ever notice that the only people who always seem to know their exact weight are fat people, actresses, and high school wrestlers? I understand actresses and wrestlers because their weight relates directly to what they do, but for fat people it just seems like an unnecessary torture. The only good that can come out of it for a fat person is if they lose a bunch of weight and then have a reference point so they can tell everyone just how much weight they've lost. And boy do they love to share that shit with us. It never fails; ask someone who's lost weight how much they've lost and they'll know it & tell you instantly. Tell someone they look like they've lost a lot of weight and they'll immediately give you the number. Hey Tom, you look great. Have you lost wei- Forty three pounds. Forty three. Since April. Forty three.
It's always bothered me that fat-shedders are so proud of their accomplishments. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that people lose unnecessary weight but what gets lost in the discussion is the fact that somewhere along the way, somewhere back in their shadowed, creme-filled past, they gained all that unnecessary weight. It may have been over a long period of time, over the winter, or maybe just over the course of a trip to the neighborhood Steak n Shake, but at some point they had to have put on all the fat in the first place, right? So big deal. You ate a lot, lounged around, got fat, then ate less, exercised, and got back to normal. Congratulations, here's a low-fat fucking cookie. And don't even get me started on all the support groups for fat fucks. Sure, ask for help & emotional support to lose the weight but you sure didn't need any help polishing off racks of lamb and boxes of Twinkies on your way to Fat Town, did you?
I could go on about this for hours. Let's just get on with the Week 4 Matchups...
Purdue at Notre Dame-
Speaking of fat people, God bless Charlie Weis. I really admire the fact that he doesn't try to hide his girth. You don't see him wearing oversized jackets or huge-normous sweatshirts, no, not Charlie. He just tucks in his shirt and cinches the belt like he's lassooing the planet Jupiter. Good for you, Charlie. Somebody get that man a few more well-deserved Krispy Kremes.
Ohio State at Iowa-
Strangely, these are the only two teams in the world with the word "eyes" in their nicknames. Of course, I do have suggestions for some others:
Fisheyes
Black Eyes
Brown-Eyes
Pink Eyes
Lazy Eyes (as a tribute to Stuart Scott)
and,
Betty Davis Eyes
Cardinals at Falcons-
Bad week for Kurt Warner, eh? First I put his wife in the title of last week's matchups, then he gets benched. I feel bad. Just to make it up to him, I'm gonna put Leinart's name in this week's title. Maybe he'll get injured or something and Warner will get his job back.
Cowboys at Titans-
Speaking of bad weeks...
When you need to wash down an ass-load of pain pills, remember to reach for an ice cold Dr. Pepper
Colts at Jets-
The surprising news here is that the Jets have started off 2-1.
The not-so-surprising news is that they still suck.
Their two wins have come against the Titans & the Bills. I believe that's the NFL equivalent of beating Nicole Richie and Calista Flockhart in a pie eating contest. Beat the Colts this Sunday and then I'll stop doing this: J!-E!-T!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!
Dolphins at Texans-
Culpepper stinks, Carr's getting better, and this is the funniest thing I've seen this month.....
Damn, I don't miss the 80's.
Vikings at Bills-
I could really give two shits about this game. I'd much rather let you know about my favorite new shows so far this fall.
1) NFL Cheerleader Playoffs on the NFL Network.
Beautiful NFL Cheerleaders competing in physical challenges and dance-offs. Simply brilliant.
2) Studio 60 on NBC. Witty, quick-paced, well-acted, unique premise. The skinny Matthew Perry is back and he is so not like Chandler Bing. Okay, he's a little like Chandler Bing but in the good sarcastic way, not in the I'm a pussy-whipped metrosexual kinda way.
3) Heroes on NBC. Originally it kept my attention only because of the internet sex skank and the hot cheerleader but when the goofy little asian guy teleported himself, I was hooked.
Maybe JP Losman could learn how to teleport the ball to one of his own receivers in the red zone once in a while.
Saints at Sex Panthers-
Would it be inappropriate to say that the Saints were riding a wave of emotion on Monday Night? Would it be inappropriate to say that I was filled with a flood of emotions while watching their first game back at the Superdome? And would it be inappropriate to say that I missed the pregame festivities because Mama Squintz was performing a striptease for me set to the song I Come from the Water by The Toadies?
(By the way, for those of you who haven't seen them yet, Mama Squintz' new pasties are sweet. They're edible and they glow in the dark!)
Chargers at Ravens-
Both teams have great defenses.
Both teams have good ground games.
Both teams have a premier tight end.
Tough one to call, so I'll do what I always do when it's a toss-up. Compare the cheerleaders.
San Diego offers us this:
And Baltimore offers us this:
...and this:
Seriously.
(By the way, I had no idea that Charlie Weis had a son living in Baltimore.)
Jaguars at Redskins-
Brunell was 22 for 22 at one point last Sunday. Nice to see that his agent was able to come to terms with Satan before Week 3.
Now class, it's time to practice our conjugation. Ready...
Niners at Chiefs-
Crappy
Lions at Rams-
Crappier
Browns at Raiders-
Crappiest
Great job. Next week we'll try conjugating the word "fugly".
Patriots at Bengals-
Great, they just jinxed us...
Seahawks at Bears-
Speaking of jinxes, didn't he just break some foot bones?
Monday Night
Packers at Eagles-
You know, I could crack a tasteless joke here about Mama McNabb being sexy or Andy Reid being fat, but instead, I'd like to end the Week 4 Matchups with a little bit of class and dignity...
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