So I'm thumbing through the newspaper the other night, trying to figure out which holiday movie the wife and I should go to, and upon soon realizing that the best Hollywood could come up with this year was a remake about a big monkey who climbs buildings and a flick about couple of cowboys who climb each other, the wife decided to do some scrapbooking (don't ask) and I decided to turn on the tv & get my nightly dose of sports. After a quick trip to the kitchen for a can of root beer and a handful of chocolate covered pretzels, my quest for the latest sports news began. I got somwehere between ESPN, ESPN 2, and The NFL Network when I realized that an extremely disturbing trend has formed. Actually, it's done more than just form, it's pretty much in full swing right now and about as out-of-control as a 25-foot tall homosexual gorilla riding bareback up on Brokeback Mountain. What am I talking about? Well, let me give you some hints.........
(Michael Irivn, ESPN) “YOU KNOW THAT WHEN THAT MAN’S IN THE GAME, YOU GOT TO GET THE BALL TO HIM. YOU GOT TO GET THE BALL IN HIS HANDS, I DON’T CARE WHO GETS UPSET, GET HIM THE BALL, PERIOD.”
(Stephen A. Smith, ESPN 2) “THE HEAT DON’T NEED PAT RILEY. WHAT THE HEAT NEEDS IS A HEALTHY SHAQ AND A LITTLE MORE HEART, AND ANYONE WHO WATCHES THIS TEAM NIGHT AFTER NIGHT LIKE I DO WOULD ALSO TELL YOU THAT DWYANE WADE NEEDS TO STEP UP HIS GAME LIKE WE ALL THOUGHT HE WOULD.”
(Sterling Sharpe, The NFL Network) “NOW WE ALL KNOW THE COLTS CAN SCORE TOUCHDOWNS BUT WHAT’S BEEN REALLY IMPRESSIVE THIS SEASON IS THE WAY THEIR DEFENSE HAS BEEN ABLE TO PUT PRESSURE ON OPPOSING QUARTERBACKS.”
(Solomon Wilcots, The NFL Network) “IT’S QUITE SIMPLE; WHEN THE COWBOYS KEEP PRESSURE OFF OF DREW BLEDSOE, HE CAN STILL MAKE PLAYS AND THE TEAM USUALLY WINS. WHEN HE’S HARASSED LIKE HE WAS LAST SUNDAY IN WASHINGTON, HIS LACK OF MOBILITY FORCES HIM TO TAKE SACKS AND THE OFFENSE REALLY SUFFERS.”
(Ron Jaworski, ESPN) “HERE, THE JAGUARS ARE LINED UP IN A STANDARD ‘COVER TWO’. YOU CAN SEE THAT THE SAFETY HAS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF COVERAGE OVER THE TOP BUT YOU’LL SEE AS THE PLAY DEVELOPS THAT HE GETS SUCKED IN BY THE PLAY-ACTION AND DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO RECOVER. THE RESULT IS AN EASY TOUCHDOWN.”
WHY ARE ALL OF THESE GUYS FUCKING YELLING AT US?!?!?!?!
Holy fucking shit! Seems like every time I tune in for some simple football analysis I feel like I'm eavesdropping in on a conversation at an old age home.
“TURN THE CHANNEL, I WANNA WATCH ‘MATLOCK’."
"WHAT?"
"I SAID, I WANNA WATCH ‘MATLOCK’."
"YOU WANT A SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS? "
"NO, MAT-LOCK!"
"YOU HAVE A FAT COCK?"
"MAT-LOCK!!!!"
"OH……NO, I DON’T HAVE ANY CRACK ROCK."
"YOU STUPID OLD BASTARD, TURN THE GODDAMN CHANNEL, I WAS IN THE WAR, I KILLED MEN WITH MY BARE HANDS, AAA-AAAARRRRRRGH…!”
Actually, it’s more like listening to Bobcat Goldthwait argue with Sam Kinison back when they were both still alive. Why not just say 'fuck it' & give all these assholes a microphone, an enormous megaphone, and place 'em in front of a huge stack of Marshall amps? Yeah, let ‘em hit about 160 on the decibel meter and cause me turn to the non-existent referee behind my couch for a courtesy time out "BECAUSE THE CROWD NOISE IS TOO LOUD TO CALL OUT THE PLAY".
What? Bob Goldthwait is still alive? Really? Okay, then.
Anyway, is this what they’re teaching them now over at ESPN U? Just yell reallllly loud & maybe people won’t notice that you’re making no sense whatsoever. And just in case that doesn’t work, wear some crazy suits that are way too big in the shoulders, hang down past your knees, but are somehow extremely tight around your manly biceps, throw in a neon tie, and just distract the fuck outta the folks.
Yes, I know that not all of these guys work at ESPN but they did all pass through there at some point in time. And while they were there, I sure wish they would’ve taken a cue from guys like Tom Jackson and Mike Tirico, guys who give intelligent insight while talking in a conversational tone. Instead, it seems they all hung out on the side of the lunchroom with Dick Vitale, Lee Corso, and Mel Kiper, Jr. That’s the holy trinity right there. The Father, Son, and Holy Hairdo in the art of yelling at the camera. I can’t tell if these guys are trying to sell me used cars, shag carpet, or talk me into something that's strong enough to cut through a pop can yet still sharp enough to delicately give me perfect tomato slices. Sometimes I have to flip over to C-Span just to calm my nerves for a minute. C-Span and a shot of Benadryl, that usually does the trick.
I know, it could be worse. Instead of an overabundance of screamers, there could be an overabundance of mush-mouths like Shannon Sharpe, or an overabundance of surly, tyring-to-hard-to-be-controversial guys like Sean Salisbury. But for the love of God, QUIT YELLING AT ME! Just dial the shit down a notch or twelve. It’s just football, and we’re a willing audience. It’s not like you’re trying to diffuse a prison riot at Rikers. Seriously, if I want to be yelled at, I'll pack a couple bottles of wine, a small gerbil, some petroleum jelly, and take Gilbert Gottfried & Mama Squintz up to Brokeback Mountain. Speaking of which, shouldn't that movie be called Cumback Mountain? I SAID, SHOULDN'T THAT MOVIE BE CALLED CUMBACK MOUNTAIN? Just a thought.
On with the Matchups......
Falcons at Bucs-
Hey, is that a reindeer staring into your headlights? Oh, no wait, it's just Chris Simms. Hi, Chris.
Bills at Bengals-
Fuck Takeo, Fuck-Fuck Takeo, Hey! Sing it with me....Fuck Takeo, Fuck-Fuck Takeo!
Cowboys at Panthers-
Hey Drew, Stonehenge called. It wants its' mobility back.
Lions at Saints-
Honestly, I would rather bite my nails 'til they bleed. My toenails.
Jaguars at Texans-
Nice stretch run for the Jags to get warmed up for the playoffs, huh? Last week the Niners, this week the Texans.... Can't wait to see who's on the schedule next Sunday. Maybe the Temple Owls, or possibly a gang of coke-addicted midget quadrapelegics from Circus Town.
Speaking of freakish midgets.........
Giants at Redskins-
.... I don't know about all this talk of Tiki Barber for MVP but he sure is an inspiration to "little people" everywhere, ain't he? That's one tough little munchkin.
Steelers at Browns-
Just in case you were wondering, this week I'm a huge Browns fan. Why?
Because Fuck Hines Ward, that's why.
Chargers at Chiefs-
Anybody else sick & tired of hearing that the Chargers are one of the best two or three teams in the league? "THEY'RE ONE OF THE LEAGUES TOP TWO OR THREE TEAMS AND THEY MIGHT NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS." ....... "WHAT A SHAME THAT POSSIBLY THE BEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE MAY MISS THE POSTSEASON."
Waaaah, Waaaah, Waaaaah. Maybe the best team in the league shouldn't have lost to the Dolphins two weeks ago. Get over it.
Niners at Rams-
Mark it down: "The San Fransisco Forty Niners are now on the clock."
Karma baby, karma!
Titans at Dolphins-
The Dolphins have won four in a row? Congratulations, here's a cookie.
Eagles at Cardinals-
McMahon. McCown. McHorrible NFC action, this Saturday on FOX!
Colts at Seahawks-
Tony Dungy said he was kinda relieved that the Colts lost last week because now they wouldn't have to answer all those questions about whether they could go undefeated. Wow. Those were tough questions to deal with? Really? Try answering questions like, "Where were you last Wednesday night between the hours of 1am and 3am.",.... "What are you doing with a bottle of chloroform, rope, and a muddy shovel in your trunk.",.... "Why did we find blood matching that of the victim's on your work boots?",.... "Who is Keyser Soze?"....
Raiders at Broncos-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour hits the Mile High City!
Bears at Packers-
After this one, Brett Favre will officially be known as Brett Avre. Why? Because the.....Um...Yes, you in the third row.
"Um, because the Bears are going to knock the "F" out of him?"
Correct. Very good. What's your name?
"Stacey."
Stacey, you're very bright. Cute, too. I like the belly ring and the cute little tattoo there. How old are you?
"Eighteen."
See me after class, please.
Vikings at Ravens-
The 2005 Felony Bowl, this Sunday night, only on ESPN!
(Monday Night) Patriots at Jets-
What an absolutely fantastic way to end my 10-day Christmas vacation. Thanks, ABC.
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