Ho Ho Ho bitches! It's almost Christmas, it's sixty degrees outside, and I've only got three more days of work before an eleven-day vacation. That's the good news. The bad news is that my letter to Santa just came back to me in the mail on Friday. It seems I accidentally wrote the wrong zip code on the envelope. Seriously, the mailman couldn't figure it out anyway? I mean, how many North Poles could there be? Anyway, what that means is that Santa doesn't have my wish list yet. That's a problem. But luckily, I know from his emails that Zermy (one of Santa's elves) is a frequent reader of this blog. Zermy, I'm counting on you to pass along the following list to Santa ASAP, it's the only way I'm gonna get it to him in time. Just cut & paste, print it and throw it on his desk for me. Here goes....
Dear Santa,
I've been a moderately good boy this year (much better than last year) and since I know you're a big believer in effort & improvement, this year's list is slightly longer than last year's. I know I'm getting it to you kinda late so just do what you can. If some of the items are out of stock, you can just make it up to me next Christmas. So, if you would be so kind, I'd like the following:
a gas powered leaf blower
a new pair of hiking boots
some new socks
an ipod nano that doesn't melt when I plug it into my computer
a couple pair of silk boxers with "El Gigante" embroidered on the waist band
a five-game winning streak for the Bengals
fourteen 12x4 sheets of drywall
a $500 gift certificate to Chipotle
a chance meeting with Salma Hayek underneath the mistletoe
a new flat screen computer monitor
Wedding Crashers on DVD
a bottle of ruphynol
a strong rope
a shovel
peace on earth
a large sausage pizza with a hole in the middle
(that one's for you & me, Mama Squintz)
four tickets to the Super Bowl
a football autographed by Don Criqui
the services of three elves for a full day to put up some drywall
some new undershirts
peace of mind for Britney Spears
a peice of ass for my buddy Adam
a nine-iron to replace the one I threw into a tree last year
a riding lawn mower
two hours in a hot tub with the Swedish bikini team
four hours in a steam room with the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders
a coffee-scented air freshener for my car
The Beastie Boys Solid Gold Hits cd
one of those cool Gorilla ladders
eight maids-a-milking
sunshine on my shoulder (it makes me happy)
a new sports watch
a new belt
a 52-inch high definition flat panel television
and, a big jar of honey
Thanks Santa. By the way, some of us guys chipped in to help you unwind after your busy day. You should be receiving a shipment via FedEx in the next day or two. It's an 8-ft tall pole. Just have the elves mount it somewhere close to your favorite recliner. You'll be getting a visit from a nice young lady named Brandi next Tuesday & she'll show you what it's for. Enjoy!
Your pal,
-Smitty
Now, on with the Week 16 Matchups....
Thursday Night
Vikings at Packers-
Ahhh, Christmastime in Green Bay. Hey kids look, it's Santa Claus! And he's handing out free cheese logs!!
Saturday Night
Chiefs at Raiders-
The funny thing isn't that the Raiders are 2-12, the funny thing is that the Raiders are 2-12 and there's still going to be a good percentage of Raider Nation dressed up like they're about to go onstage at a GWAR concert. I guess I can't totally blame them, though. I did the same thing when the Dukes of Hazard got cancelled. I was wearing half-unbuttoned flannel shirts, tight jeans, and hopping into my mom's AMC Hornet through the passenger window for another six months before I got through the denial period.
Sunday
Ravens at Steelers-
My Christmas wish is for this game to involve a lot of injuries. Lots & lots of serious injuries.
Sex Panthers at Falcons-
Jim Mora Jr said in a radio interview that his dream job is to be the head coach at the University of Washington. He went so far as to say that if offered the job, he'd take it even if it meant leaving the Falcons in the middle of a playoff run. In response, several Falcons players said that their dream job is to play for someone other than Jim Mora Jr.
Bears at Lions-
I was able to obtain some footage of a couple of Lions position coaches preparing for last week's game. Take a look....
Colts at Texans-
Time for this weeks quiz....
Why is Peyton Manning such a cum-guzzler?
A) Because I said so
B) Because his boyfriend said so
C) Because Eli said so
D) Because Archie said so
E) He's not, I'm just bitter because he thouroughly destroyed the Bengals on Monday Night Football a couple of hours ago
Answer: A, B, C, and D. Suck it, horseface!
Patriots at Jaguars-
The Jags are a strange team, aren't they? They've beaten the Colts, Cowboys, and Eagles but lost to the Bills, Titans, and twice to the Texans.... I think it's safe to say that they're about as inconsistent as my Uncle Ed's bowels after two oyster sandwiches and a bowl of clam chowder.
Saints at Giants-
The Giants seem to be the NFL equivalent of Paris Hilton. I know a whole lot about them even though they really haven't done a damn thing.
Buccaneers at Browns-
If this game were on CBS, it'd clearly be the Don Criqui Game of the Week.
But, it's not on CBS.
It's on FOX.
And I really have nothing to say about it.
Nothing.
.....Whaddya say we just act like it's not even on the schedule? Okay then.
Titans at Bills-
My sources tell me that Jeff Fisher's mustache consummated a deal with the devil without Fisher's knowledge. At first Fisher was pretty steamed, but now after four straight wins, he and his mustache are back on good terms and word has it that they were seen hanging out together last night.
Redskins at Rams-
All you need to know about the NFC is that the Rams are 6-8 and still in the wildcard race.
Cardinals at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!
Bengals at Broncos-
Growing up, I knew a kid named Denver. He was fat & kinda stupid. Am I suggesting that all guys named Denver are fat & kinda stupid? Yes, yes I am. Also, all guys named Larry are smelly, all girls named Colleen have pig noses, and all girls named Penny are needy and have abandonment issues.
Chargers at Seahawks-
My old college roommate Joe asked me to pass along a Christmas gift to one of his former booty calls, Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. I don't want to give away what it is, but here's a little hint....
That almost singlehandedly makes up for the last two crappy seasons of SNL. You da man, Timberlake!
Christmas Day
Eagles at Cowboys-
Has anyone seen Jeff Garcia with his shirt off? Dude is ripped.
Wait a minute. Now that I look at it again, I'm not sure if that's Jeff Garcia, Carrot Top, or Mama Squintz. In any case it's quite disturbing and I sincerely apologize. Here, wash your eyes out with some of this....
Christmas Night
Jets at Dolphins-
Ahhh, nothing says "Feliz Navidad" like a football game in Miami.
Hey kids look, it's Santa Claus. And he's handing out free burritos & green cards!!
Wait, he's shouting something. It sounds like.....ah, si Santa, si.
Jota!-E!-Te!-Ese!, Chupan!, Chupan!, Chupan!!
Merry Christmas!
No comments:
Post a Comment