Remember when ESPN was an infant? It was so cute, broadcasting tough man competitions from the middle of Nebraska, college lacrosse games in Vermont, putt-putt tournaments from the suburbs of Baltimore, roller derby in Oxnard, calf-roping from supermarket parking lots in western El Paso, and doing it all simply for the love of the games, and of course some panic-induced desperation to fill their time slots. Sure, most of the programming sucked, but at least it was about sport. Kinda. Now it’ more about pomp & circumstance and taking the opportunity to beat their oversized chest every chance they get. ESPN’s like a chimp that wandered into a toxic swamp and returned as an eighty foot tall super land ape with sharp fangs, radioactive blood, and a satellite signal. It’s like King Kong with a huge ego problem. Don't get me wrong, I like a lot of things ESPN does and the man world is truly a better place with ESPN in it, but sometimes the beast needlessly smashes things to bits with its enormously over-hyping ape fists.
Case in point: At the beginning of Monday Night Football this evening, ESPN, feeling somehow obligated to start off the telecast with a cute celebrity-inspired intro, staged a poorly-written bit starring Barack Obama. Who? Exactly. Apparently he’s the african-american-muslim-democrat senator from Illinois. And apparently somebody high up on the ESPN food chain decided to give him sixty seconds of air time and chalk it up as a campaign contribution. It sucked. It sucked, he sucked, and whoever’s idea it was sucks out loud. If that wasn’t bad enough (and it was), it was immediately followed by a computer-generated opening set to music, featuring the new 2007 GMC Sierra. That’s right, no players, no coaches, no cheerleaders, just computer-generated players running around a computer-generated city with no less than six extremely blatant product placements for The New 2007 GMC Sierra! Following this piece of shit, ESPN subjected us to Jim Belushi (you know, the painfully unfunny fat guy who just happens to have a show on ABC which just so happens to be owned by the same parent company as ESPN) spewing some crap about Chicago (you know, the city he loves so much that he’s lived in LA for the past twenty years) while picking up a computer-generated glowing football helmet in the middle of the computer-generated city. Fantastic. All this and we haven’t even gotten to the old, tired, and completely played-out Are You Ready For Some Football?! ditty yet. I felt disgusting just by association. Now I know how Sable felt when King Kong Bundy groped her slobberknockers in Wrestlemania IX. Get your dirty ape hands off of me!
After taking a quick shower to wash off the stench of over-commercialization and network inbreeding, I was welcomed back to the sight of the broadcast team. To our right we have Joe Theeezman, who’s last solid point was his tibia when it was poking out of his sock against the Giants twenty one years ago. In the middle we have Tony Kornheiser. Tony’s okay, but for a man who makes a living out of pointing out the faults, flaws, and bad decisions of others, how in the hell does he walk away from his mirror each day thinking that combing four hairs across the top of his otherwise bald head is a good idea? And to our left is Mike Tirico. Mike’s not bad. Actually, I think he’s one of the better white play-by-play guys around. And finally, let’s not forget the sideline reporters; Michelle Tafoya and Suzy Kolber. One’s ugly and unoriginal, the other is unoriginal and ugly. Apparently this is the best the eighty foot tall land ape could do for a broadcast team? And I haven’t even gotten to the studio crew yet. Michael Irvin’s tied for dumbest man on the planet with the crazy homeless dude who rummages through the garbage outside of my office building, Steve Young is the dullest man on the planet, and Chris Berman is a case study in both uber ego-centricity and vocal narcissism. The only saving grace is that Stuart Scott isn't involved with the broadcast. Yet.
Fuck these fuckin' fuckers. Fuck them for fucking-up Monday Night Football.
Whatever happened to that sweet, innocent, infant channel with a glean in its' eye and a penchant for competitive eating? Where is the purity? Where is the passion? Where in the hell is Charlie Steiner? Come on, somebody grab some tranquilizer darts and take down this huge ape. We'll throw its lifeless body into the back of a New 2007 GMC Sierra, drive it over to Jim Belushi's Beverly Hills home, choke him to death with an extra-long Chicago-style hot dog, steal his circular saw & use it to open the ape's skull and remove its' enormous ego.
Now, on with the Week 15 Matchups...
Thursday Night
Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!
Saturday Night
Cowboys at Falcons-
Two weeks ago when Grammatica 1 booted the winning field goal for the 'Boys, Parcells pulled off the Bowel Trifecta by simulataneously pissing, shitting, and cumming in his pants all at the same time? Last week, while watching Brees & Bush kill his defense, he pulled off the Alternate Bowel Trifecta by pissing, shitting, and secreting blood into his pants all at the same time. I can only imagine what'll come out this week.
Sunday
Browns at Ravens-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to Baltimore!
Lions at Packers-
Wow, Kitna vs Favre. There's gonna so many balls batted around & tossed up for grabs in this one.....it'll be like a Saturday night in Lance Bass' hotel suite during Key West's annual Gay Pride Festival.
Texans at Patriots-
You know what was the most amazing thing about the Pats getting shutout last Sunday by the Dolphins? That Bellichek was wearing his hoodie. In Miami.
I'm asking, no, I'm begging for someone at CBS Sports to interview him about the hoodie. Is it a superstition thing? Does he think it has special powers? Did he lose a bet? Is it his woobie? Is it a fashion statement gone too far? I need answers!
Jaguars at Titans-
Don't look now but the Titans have miraculously won six of their last seven games.
The lesson, as always: Never, EVER underestimate the power of Jeff Fischer's mustache.
Dolphins at Bills-
Bills wide receiver Lee Evans is good. Real good. So good in fact that I have to wonder, which is wide open more often, Lee Evans or Britney Spears' legs?
Jets at Vikings-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Steelers at Sex Panthers-
A lot of experts picked the Steelers and Panthers to meet in this year's Super Bowl.
Me? I picked the Chiefs and the Falcons. Just goes to show that you don't have to be an expert to be a moron.
Buccaneers at Bears-
There is joy in the streets of Chicago today as people can be heard shouting with glee, "Rex Grossman is mediocre again! He's back up to mediocre! Thanks be to God.....HALLELUIAH!!!"
Redskins at Saints-
Has anybody seen Dolemite Jenkins lately?
Broncos at Cardinals-
The Jay Cutler Experiment goes into the desert for some more intensive testing. Meanwhile, the recent success of the Cardinals has put The Denny Green Farewell Tour on hold. Also, and not surprisingly, news of the farewll tour being placed on hold has caused stock in Glendale-area donut shops and pancake houses to rise back up to their previous mid-year levels.
Eagles at Giants-
You know that joke I made earlier about balls batted around and George Michael's hotel room? Would it have been funnier if I'd have used Jeff Garcia instead of Lance Bass?
It would've, wouldn't it?
Dammit!
Rams at Raiders-
Zzzzzzzzzz......
Chiefs at Chargers-
Time for this week's quick quiz...
What does "Schottenheimer" mean in German?
A) Marksman
B) Shot Putter
C) Shit Hammer
D) Nazi Whore
E) Nazi Shit Putter
Answer: I honestly don't know. But I do know that Marty's daughter had a one-night bone-a-thon with my old college roommate back in '91. Good times.
Monday Night
Bengals at Colts-
WHO DEY, BABY!
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