I’m very busy fellas. No time to show off my cunning linguistic talents this week or to give you another look deep into the dark recesses of my brain, a brain that was scarred by a rough childhood as a healthy, white, middle-class kid raised by two loving parents. It was hell I tell ya, complete hell! Anyway, like I said, I’m busy. Very busy what with counting all my money and dealing with all the swimsuit models who, well, who just won’t take “No, three times today is enough” for an answer. So let’s get on with it. Here are the Week Two Matchups, complete with some betting tips. Odds provided by the Rosie Palms Motel and Casino in Reno, Nevada.
Falcons at Jaguars-
Odds that this promo was cut months ago and had to be re-done "It's Vick versus Leftwich! The Falcons and the Jaguars shoot it out, this Sunday on FOX!"... 2:1
Packers at Giants-
Odds that Eli's sore shoulder keeps him from playing this week... 4:1
Odds that Brandon Jacobs sore knee keeps him from playing this week... 3:1
Odds that Michaels Strahan will put on some soft jazz, turn down the lights, invite Eli & Brandon over and rub some warm Chunky Vegetable on their sore joints... EVEN
Bills at Steelers-
Odds that this guy has not already passed away from a heart-related illness...
47:1
Odds that he ever got to know a woman in the biblical sense before he died... 69:1
Texans at Panthers-
Over/Under on the number of guys I've ever seen with a haircut like Jake Delhomme's: 137
Over/Under on the number of guys I've ever sen with a haircut like Jake Delhomme's who were not also wearing a Granimals outfit at the time: 3
1)
2)
3)
Saints at Bucs-
Odds that the old Buccaneer mascot is currently working as a stewardess for Delta... 3:1
Odds that he is starring in a sitcom premiering on the UPN network this fall... 2:1
Odds that he is currently hanging out at a gay bar in Key West and carries around a shoebox filled with pictures of penises he's made friends with... EVEN
Niners at Rams-
Odds that I'll type Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!...
No Line
Colts at Titans-
Odds that Jeff Fisher will shave his prison pussy before the end of the season... 25:1
Odds that I will shave my prison pussy before the end of the season... 5:1
Odds that Mama Squintz will shave her prison pussy before the end of the season... 80:1
(2:1 if she happens to find her false teeth)
Bengals at Browns-
If Chad Johnson keeps his promise and jumps into the Dawg Pound after scoring a touchdown this Sunday....
Odds that he'll get punched... 2:1
Odds that he'll get stabbed with a steak knife... 5:1
Odds that he'll get injected with a hallucinogen... 10:1
Odds that this guy will violate him sexually...
EVEN
Vikings at Lions-
Over/Under on the number of things I'd rather do than watch this game: 348,925
Oh wait, I forgot "touch a burning stove top" and "eat my own feces". Change it to 348,927
Cowboys at Dolphins-
Over/Under on the number of you guys who can name the Dolphins head coach: 5
Over/Under on the number of you guys who could name the Dolphins head coach if I spotted you the "Cam Cam-": 10 (sorry, US)
Seahawks at Cardinals-
Over/Under on the number of you guys who can name the Cardinals head coach: 3
Over/Under on the number of you guys who could name him if I spotted you the "Ken Whisen-" : 9 (sorry US and DJ Jazzy Jerry)
Raiders at Broncos-
Over/Under on the number of people I would maim in order to give her a tongue bath
(considering I was single, of course)... 83
Jets at Ravens-
Odds that Ray Lewis torn triceps will keep him off the field this weekend... 15:1
Odds that his torn triceps will put his salsa dance lessons on hold... 3:1
Odds that his torn triceps will hamper his sex life... Mama Squintz says 100:1
Chiefs at Bears-
Odds that Damon Huard will light up the Bears defense for over 300 yards passing and four touchdowns... EVEN
Odds that I'm reaaallly tired right now and starting to hallucinate. Hey look, there's a half-man/half-frog riding on a six-legged purple unicorn. How pretty.
.... uh, EVEN
Chargers at Patriots-
Odds that Bill Belichek really did secretly videotape the Jets defensive coaches signals last Sunday... 3:2
Odds that he has video of other teams defensive signals... 2:1
Odds that he has video of my bachelor party from 1998... 4:1
Odds that he has video of Lil' John licking grape jelly off of a stripper's ass at my bachelor party... 5:1
Odds that he has video of you spanking your monkey... 6:1
Odds that he spanked his monkey while watching his video of you spanking your monkey... EVEN
Monday Night
Eagles at Redskins-
Over/Under on the number of times the MNF crew will show her-
... 3
Odds that if you don't see her it's because she's at Fresh Squint'z house rubbing him down with some massage oils... 4,000,000,000,000,000:1
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