So we went to Perkins after the bars closed the other night (and by "other night" I mean 15 years ago), and this guy walks in with a satin gold 49ers jacket on. I gave him a warm greeting (and by "warm greeting" I mean I called him a fag and told him to go fuck himself) and turned my attention back to the western omelette waiting patiently in front of me. Anyway, one thing leads to another, things are said, a couple pansys at my table wet their pants, and things finally cool down. Until of course, the Niners fan says "no hard feelings" and offers to shake my hand and I once again refer to him as a homo and to his favorite team as bunch of fags.
Now you can probably see why my career at the UN was so short-lived.
No fists were thrown & no noogies enforced but I sometimes look back on that night and wonder why I was so angry. The answer: alcohol & The Dave Shula Era. Specifically, ten beers and a couple shots of Jagermeister, and The Dave Shula Era. But even though it was the alcohol talking it still bothers me to the point that I don't want it to ever happen again. And it hasn't. I'm not talking about verbally abusing a Niners fan. I'm completely fine with that. The part that bothers me is that I let him get under my skin. Maybe it's something that comes with age, or experience, but every guy by the age of thirty realizes that keeping your cool is one of the true measures of a man. That, of course, and penis size. This came up (keeping your cool, not penis size) in a discussion I had with Johnny B recently. We were discussing what makes a quarterback a great quarterback. Other than the obvious physical components, we agreed that the most common denominator was the ability to lead, and that the most important quality in leading a group of men is the ability to stay cool under pressure. Carson Palmer has it, David Klingler didn't. Phil Simms had it, Eli Manning doesn't. You can't coach it and you can't fake it. You either have it or you don't. But you can acquire it. Johnny B shared some pretty interesting thoughts on the matter. So interesting in fact, that I feel compelled to share them with you....
It's that deoderant commercial... you know the one... "Never Let 'Em See Ya Sweat!" As I thought about this I realized there's worse things than letting them see you sweat. Sweating denotes hard work and fortitude, like lovingly preparing for an NFL game every week. Here's a few things I would rather not let 'em see me do...
* Never let 'em see you on the internet with Oreo's in one hand and your va-jay-jay destroyer in the other while surfing Barely Legal Goth Girls Gone Wild. That's a thing that would be real bad to see...
* never let 'em see your 122 mason jar collection of toenails, assorted by flavor, color and texture. That would not be good to see.
and finally...
* never let them see you enter "On Broadway" on 8th Street Downtown (the one with the rainbow flag on the balcony) with Tim Meehan, late on a Friday night after a Red's game (Tim gave me the tickets) and then wake up six hours later with nothing on but a dog collar and a new tattoo right above your @ss that says "Timmy's Little Pound Puppy". That's a thing that would be bad to see.... but for only $12.95 on a VISA or PAYPAL you can see it at www.timmyspoundpuppy.com.
Yep, he's my buddy.
Here's to staying cool and having a big weiner.
Now on with the matchups....
Chargers at Packers-
You know what happens when thousands of volts of electricity are applied to blocks of cheese? Fried cheese, baby. Who got some dipping sauce? (And in my head, when I said that, I said “sauce” like this- “Sowce”. All gangster & shit.)
Dolphins at Jets-
I’m not the first guy who should be talking about hairstyles but doesn’t Chad Pennington have the worst ‘do in all of major league sports?
It’s like he just spent 20 minutes under an extremely low-power shower head spewing out ice cold water onto his melon. Should he grow it out, should he shave it off, maybe go with a mohawk…? Honestly, he could put a piece of iceberg lettuce and a lemon wedge on top of his head & he’d look less ridiculous.
Lions at Eagles-
So God, apparently with nothing better to do, intervened in the Lions/Vikings game last Sunday and instantly cured Jon Kitna from all effects of a concussion he'd received earlier in the game. Yeah, I don’t buy it. Not because I don’t believe that God is powerful enough or kind enough to do such a thing. He certainly is all that and a bag of chips. I don’t buy it because the Lions were the favorite. Ain’t no way God opened the paper, saw the Lions as a favorite and didn’t put at least three large on the Vikings. Nope, this is not the work of God, my friends. This has Satan’s hoofprints all over it. You have been marked, Jon Kitna. You have been marked by The Beast!
Cardinals at Ravens-
One bird, two bird. Red bird, rat bird. Black bird, blue bird. Old bird, new bird.
This one has a little star.
This one has a little car.
Say, what a lot of birds there are.
One’s named Matt, and one’s named Steve.
One’s named Edgerrin, and one’s named Willis.
One’s a killer.
His name is Ray & he’s a dancing blood-spiller.
Why is he a dancing blood-spiller-killer?
Don’t ask me, go ask Phyllis Diller.
(special thanks to Dr. Seuss and Vanilla Ice. Seriously, Vanilla Ice. He's right here. He came up with the "and one's named Steve" part. He's a genius.)
Colts at Texans-
The Texans are 2-0. They keep this up and KISS’ legal team is finally going to file a motion to get in on some of the merchandise profits.
Vikings at Chiefs-
“Tavarus Jackson and Damon Huard shoot it out, this Sunday on FOX!”
Bills at Patriots-
I think the only thing with less movement than the Bills offense is their paralyzed tight end. Oooh, ZING! Dang, those lightning bolts have been getting closer the last few times. I think this one singed my jumpsuit.
Rams at Bucs-
(SIRENS, BELLS, WHISTLES, LOTS OF FLASHING LIGHTS!)
It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!!
So who’s the winner?
My weiner. My weiner is clearly the winner. Take a bow, weiner. Well….he’ll bow later, he kinda can’t bend over right now. Yeah, weiner!
Niners at Steelers-
Damn the Nin- no, screw that. My weiner needs to relax. Here weiner….
Bengals at Seahawks-
The WhoDeys gave up 51 points to the Browns last Sunday. 51. Seriously.
I believe the only thing more difficult than giving up 51 to the Browns is splitting an atom. With your bare hands. I know ‘cause I’ve done it before. The trick is sneaking up on the atom from behind and delivering a swift karate chop. Stick around this week to see the Bengals next trick. The defense will attempt to allow Shaun Alexander to rush for 800 yards while they simultaneously construct a fully functional fusion reactor on the sidelines.
Jaguars at Broncos-
After game-winning, walk-off field goals against the Bills and the Raiders, the Broncos are 2-0. That’s great. 2-0 in squeakers versus the Bills and the Raiders. Isn’t that the equivalent of barely beating Paris & Nicole at chess? Way to go, fellas. Treat yourselves to a smoothie.
Browns at Raiders-
Uh….wow.
Panthers at Falcons-
Quick show of hands…who here is surprised that Joey Harrington has led yet another team to an 0-2 start? Anyone? Anyone at all? Look for Joey starring next season in The Bachelor, Thursdays at 8pm EST/7pm CST on ABC.
Giants at Redskins-
With Tom Coughlin on the hot seat in the Big Apple, it’s time for our first pop quiz of the season….
If Tom Coughlin gets fired by the Giants, how will he spend his days?
a) Fishing & hunting
b) Sharing quality time with Mama Squintz
c) Serving as an analyst for the NFL Network
d) Serving his man meat to the hardworking hookers on Manhattan’s lower east side
e) Performing God’s work
Answer: b), d), e), and half of a)
Cowboys at Bears-
Bears fans are classy
Monday Night
Titans at Saints-
Saints fans are classy, too. They just move a lot slower.
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