That's right, this is my bye week. While I relax with a few coldies and pilfer through some of my daughter's Halloween candy, I hope you will enjoy these random kick-ass videos and check out the matchups listed below.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today, and four words sum up how I feel about the sports world right now.
Boston can suck it.
The Patriots are 7-0 and have four Super Bowl rings. The Red Sox are four wins away from their second title in three years. Boston College is currently #2 in the BCS rankings. And, the Celtics recently traded for KG & Jesus and look to be on their way back to the promised land.
If that’s not enough, their fans still have the nerve to sport an air of entitlement, playing the “we suff-ahd so long, we deserve this wicked run” card. You know what, take your baked beans, your chowder, your pasty-white-legged women, and go drive your used Mercedes right into the fucking haa-buh. Oh, and your closer is clearly gay (evidence below)
Also, your DH likes it freaky. Here’s a recently obtained private photo of Manny spraying his man seed all over Big Papi…
Oh and your first baseman likes to watch…
Wow. Goggles? Just exactly what is Manny sporting down there, a freaking fire hose?
You know, I used to root for the Sox. Yep, when they were suffering the Curse of the Bambino and their fans were jumping off bridges with every late season meltdown, their accents, angst, and excessive alcohol consumption seemed kinda cute. But now that (due to a horribly flawed payroll structure in the game) they’ve been winning, and winning big, the angst has turned into arrogance, they refer to themselves superiorly as Red Sox Nation, and they come across like a bunch of loudmouthed, cheering-way-too-loud parents watching their thirteen year olds putting the wood to some ten year olds. Seriously, look at that team; Schilling, Beckett, Manny, Ortiz, Daiske, Varitek, Drew,… there’s only two other places that could possibly house that many mega-millionaire stars- the Betty Ford Clinic and Yankee Stadium.
I know it’s not the team’s fault, their ownership is simply working within the parameters of the game as it currently exists, but their fans are getting waaay too excited and it’s starting to piss me off.
Newsflash for Red Sox fans: YOU’RE TEAM SHOULD BE WINNING. THEY HAVE AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE OVER 80% OF THE LEAGUE. CALM DOWN AND QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU JUST SLAYED A DRAGON. YOUR TEAM IS THE DRAGON. ALSO, BEN AFFLECK IS A HORRIBLE GAY ACTOR AND THAT CREAM PIE OF YOURS IS ACTUALLY A CAKE.
Nobody else has said it but I’ll go ahead and say it- the Red Sox’ success is tainted. That’s right, tainted. When baseball fans look back at this era (if there are any baseball fans left), they’ll look and recall two things: steroids and payroll imbalance. Hell, if you contend that Bonds’ HR record deserves an asterisk because his steroid use gave him an unfair advantage, don’t you also have to consider the unfair advantage for the large-market teams? Tell me, who had the bigger advantage over their competition, Bonds with some added muscle and hat size or the Red Sox, Yankees, and Mets with payrolls four, five, six times the size of their competition?
So go ahead and give Bonds an asterisk. You’ll get no argument from me. But while you’re at it, slap a double asterisk and a ?! onto the Red Sox and Yankees championship banners. You want a dynasty, go see the Oakland A’s and Cincinnati Reds of the 70’s. Look over to the Lakers and your beloved Celtics of the 80’s. How about Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain, or how ‘bout dem Cowboys of the 90’s? Kryszewski’s Dukies, Wooden’s Bruins, even Pat Summit’s Lady Vols,…. Those were all teams that dominated without an unfair advantage. Those were teams and fan bases with the right to stick out their chests. The Red Sox are simply taking advantage of a situation while they can as Red Sox Nation pays witness and offers up standing ovations.
So, am I jealous? You’re goddamn right I’m jealous. But you know what quickly puts a smile back on my face? Knowing that Red Sox fans from here forward can only feel relieved, but never exhilarated. They were a fan base fueled for decades by the possibility of feeling the exhilarating rush that only the underdogs, the cursed, and fans of the underdogs and cursed could ever experience when overcoming seemingly unbeatable odds and reaching the pinnacle. They huddled together in their misery, wrapped themselves in it like it was a warm blanket on a cold winter’s night. It was a tie that binded their generations of their fans together. It also created an identity for their town. An exposed weakness which gave it an endearing quality. And now, sadly for them, it's been lost forever. Now they’re expected to win. Anything less is failure. Now they’re no different than what they themselves forever despised. Red Sox fans are now no different than.... Yankee fans. They too have become the hunted, the hated, and the never satisfied.
Meanwhile, those Rockies have won 21 of their last 22 and their fans would love nothing more than to feel that rush. There's only one fall classic. There's can be only one champion. There's only one...ROCKTOBER!
I'll bet Dane Cook is a card carrying member of Red Sox Nation. Stupid fuckface. Bleh, just mocking him makes me feel dirty. Ooh, and if I feel dirty, that can mean only one thing- it's time for this week's matchups!
Florida at Georgia- The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! I’ll have some rum punch and my buddy Johnny B here would like one of your finest appletinis. And no, he’s not gay. At least not since that last trip to Vegas.
USC at Oregon- The Cheerleader Posedown comes early this week!!! God bless tight white sweaters and upskirt photos…
Cal at Arizona State- If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, there’s absolutely no good reason why Cal hasn’t changed their nickname from the Bears to the Ripkens.
Colts at Panthers- Three words: Vinny. Testa. Verde. Didn’t he used to play against Payton’s dad? And his grandpa?
Lions at Bears- Where are the Tigers? Oh my, we’re missing the tigers. We need the tigers!
Oh, here they are…
Steelers at Bengals- Little known fact: Bengals running back Kenny Watson is the nephew of Randy Watson, lead singer of Sexual Chocolate.
Little known fact #2: TJ Houshmandzadeh is third in line to the throne of Zmunda. The proof is in the pony tail.
Giants at Dolphins (in London)- I guess the Fish figure since they can’t win one in the states, they’d try to go across the pond and try their luck over there. Also, since they are in London, the NFL’s marketing department has temporarily changed the Giants to the “Chips” for this contest. And I gotta tell ya, whoever had the idea for the poster of Strahan squeezing Cleo Lemon onto the basket of Fish & Chips is a freaking genius.
Eagles at Vikings- That loud sound you heard last week was the Eagles window of opportunity slamming shut. Jeff Garcia propped it open with a stick last November but it just couldn’t hold any longer. (I love metaphors.)
Now to an unbelievable stretch of shitty games. Amazingly, three of the following six teams are guaranteed to get a win this week. Unless of course they tie, which would be even more unbelievable.
Browns at Rams- Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Raiders at Titans- It's Culpepper versus Collins, this Sunday on CBS!
Bills at Jets- J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Texans at Chargers (somewhere that’s not currently on fire)- The only thing hotter than a wild fire fueled by hot Santa Ana winds? The Charger Girls, Helloooo!….
Jaguars at Buccaneers- So once again class, it is very important to have a qualified backup quarterback just in case your starter happens to get injured. Yes, Mr. Del Rio……. Uh, no an undrafted rookie free agent from Florida A&M would not be considered qualified. I think you learned that lesson on Monday night……… Yes, Mr. Del Rio……No, he’s not qualified even if he looks so much like the starter that it’s hard for you to tell the difference……Anyone else have a ques-…Yes, Mr. Del Rio…… No, you’re not allowed to move up your bye week. Now if there are no more legitimate questions, let’s move on to our next topic, appropriate versus non-appropriate tools to use as tangible metaphors in the locker room…
Redskins at Patriots- The big question everyone seems to be asking is whether the Pats will be able to run the table and go 16-0. But what I want to know is, when is that shirt coming off? Rawrrrr!
Saints at Niners- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to hell!
Monday Night
Packers at Broncos- Time for this week’s pop quiz. Which of the following will get higher television ratings in Denver on Monday night? a) The Packers-Broncos game on ESPN b) World Series Game 5 between the Rockies and Red Sox on FOX c) Heroes on NBC d) Reruns of The Real World: Denver on MTV e) The premiere of Mama Squintz’ Polka Dance Party on Public Access Channel 267
Answer: This was a trick question. The most-watched of the choices live will be b). But when you factor in Tivo and DVR recordings, the answer is a tie between a) and b). You seriously didn’t think the answer was going to be e), did you?
No time for a lot of rambling this week. The Dane Cook "There's only one...OCTOBER!!" promos on FOX have caused me to develop some serious homicidal urges. As a matter of fact, as soon as I knock out this post, I'm gonna knock down some tequila, then me and this shovel are setting out on a roadtrip to find Dane Cook's smug little unfunny fuckface. Hell, even the new crop of hacks on SNL are making fun of him already...
Combine him with Tim McCarver's master-of-the-obvious color commentary, Joe Buck's over-rehearsed delivery, the mysterious and unnecessary off days between playoff games, and the ever-too-convenient and viewer-insulting "Hey, look who we just found" shots of Fox tv show cast members in the stands, and I come to just two conclusions: 1) Baseball is in the shitter 2) The NFL is king
And now on with the matchups because, There's only one...Palooza!!!
Michigan State at Ohio State- Two weeks ago, #1 ranked USC lost to Oregon State. Last week, #1 LSU lost to Kentucky. This week, the #1 ranked Buckeyes hope to stop the trend and take care of business in the Horseshoe against Big 10 rival Michigan State. You know, last week I talked about football rivalries and traditions, and Ohio State also has a great one. When the OSU band spells out the script “Ohio” at halftime and the whole dotting of the “i” thingy, it’s goosebumps time, fellas. There’s just something about a high-stepping tuba player that never fails to bring the house down. Personally, I love it so much that I re-create it each and every time I pee in the snow. As is my tradition, with the moonlight reflecting off of freshly fallen backyard snow, I carefully use my man hose to spell out “Ohio” and, right on cue, our garden gnome struts out with his miniature tuba and takes a bow at the top of the “i”. Then, the two of us sing “Hang on Sloopy”, get hammered on jello shots, and drive over to Mama Squintz’ place to take turns dotting her eye (if you know what I mean). Fun times. I like the winter.
Florida at Kentucky- Does UK have it in them to slay two dragons in two weeks? Maybe. Let’s ask Tim McCarver his opinion…. So whaddya think Tim, can Kentucky, fresh off their upset of LSU, turn around and do the same to Florida this Saturday?
"Well, the Wildcats will have sixty minutes to score more points than the Gators. It’s gonna be important for them to score touchdowns and kick field goals. The more, the better. If they do that, I think they have an excellent chance."
Great, thanks Tim.
Titans at Texans- Vince Young is questionable this week while awaiting the results of an MRI on his knee, injured in last week’s loss to the Bucs. But don’t mourn for him, he brought it upon himself.
It was….. his.... Destiny!
….speaking of Madden…
Buccaneers at Lions- As John Madden would say, “So here you’ve got two quarterbacks, Garcia and Kitna. A-huh-ah-ahand what you’ve got is, you got a redhead versus a skinhead. Hubbaderborgodrobvldda, one guy with gay tendencies versus a guy with, you know, God tendencies. It uh, huhdgrblhghehdf, huh-huh, it should be a lotta fun. And I’ll tell ya, the guy who throws for the most touchdowns without throwing interceptions will probably win be the guy who wins this thing.” He and McCarver should really consider becoming a superhero duo. Possibly more from me on that next week. Stay tuned.
Falcons at Saints- Mark my words, the Saints will rebound from their 0-4 start and wind up winning that piss-poor NFC South. Yep, they're gonna take that title like a bully snatches up a free lunch. So what if they spotted the other teams an early lead. You know, it’s kinda like the equivalent of running a 100-yard dash and giving a 25-yard head start to three guys with cerebral palsy. And yes, I know that was very unsensitive. I am sorry. I should never have insulted CP sufferers by comparing them to the Falcons, Bucs, and Panthers. My bad. Who wants a juice box? They're on me.
Ravens at Bills- What’s the over/under on this barnburner? Ten? Maybe eleven? Whatever it is, give me the under. And the remote. I’d rather watch reruns of The Golden Girls. That Blanche was one serious GILF!
Niners at Giants- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to New Jersey!!
Cardinals at Redskins- How about that little QB sit-chee-a-shun they've got going on in Arizona? Leinart’s hurt, Warner’s hurt. Now they’re going with Tim Rattay, backed up by Tim Hasselbeck. Quite frankly, that sucks. But you know what doesn’t suck (or maybe they do. God I hope they do...), the Cards cheerleaders! Brooke and Jen are looking as healthy as ever! Hi girls!
Patriots at Dolphins- 6-0 vs 0-6 No chance for the Fish, you say? Yeah, well, uh, that’s also what they said about Appalachian State a few weeks ago before they went into Ann Arbor and smoked Michigan's ass. It’s also what they said to the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team before they iced the Russians in Lake Placid. It’s what they said about Jimmy V’s NC State Wolfpack right before they Phi Slamma Jamma’d the Houston Cougars. It’s what Apollo Creed said to Drago right before he took a 2nd round faceplant with a dirtnap chaser. It’s what they said to…… Um, what's that? Really? Cleo Lemon? Seriously? Hmmmm….
Hey, uh, nevermind.
Chiefs at Raiders- The Chiefs are 27th in the league in points scored. They’re 26th in offensive yardage. They’re 30th in rushing yardage. Their defense is 20th against the run. Damon Huard is their starting quarterback. Add all this up and they are.... 3-3 and tied for first place in the AFC West. Suffice it to say, our reporters are feverishly searching for details of Herm Edwards’ deal with the devil. I will pass along those details if and when they become available.
Jets at Bengals- I hate to say this but this just may be the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Vikings at Cowboys- So if Adrian Peterson is the Purple Jesus and Marvin Lewis is the Black Jesus, just who in the hell is the Blue Jesus?
You know that’s right!
Bears at Tinks (Eagles)- From now on, whoever the Bears play will be referred to as the Tinks. Thanks to It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (how ironic), watch below to learn why.
Rams at Seahawks- Much to my surprise, "The St. Louis Rams are now on the clock!" I know the Dolphins are also 0-6 but they get a few cracks at the Jets & Bills, the Rams don’t. BTW, I picked the Rams as my “surprise” team in the NFC this season. Brilliant!
Steelers at Broncos- Hey everybody, it’s time for this week's Cheerleader Posedown!!!
Wow. Just.....wow. I had no idea that DJ Jazzy Jerry's ex-girlfriends were Steeler fans.
Monday Night
Colts at Jaguars- And finally, it's time for this week's pop quiz.
Peyton Manning's parents, Archie and Veronica, said Peyton had a unique habit when he was a youngster. Which of the following was his strange habit? a) Calling his own play-by-play while playing Stratomatic football b) Chewing off the ends of his Nerf footballs c) Dressing up Eli as a girl and going on pretend dates with him in the basement d) Dressing up his own penis in a miniature Saints jersey, drawing the fleur de lis on the head, agressively spanking it, and screaming "Why are you never here, Daddy?!" e) b and d f) all of the above
Answer: e) Except substitute "Nerf football" with "friends' weiners"
Have you ever gotten used to something and then it was suddenly gone? I mean really used to it, to the point where if you didn’t have it, you didn’t quite know what to do. Maybe your morning cup of coffee, maybe your car, your cell phone, perhaps your cool electric toothbrush that plays Don’t Worry Be Happy while it whirls around. Bobby McFerrin is so wise. Maybe you lost something even more significant, like a parent or a spouse or, God forbid, a child. When that someone or something is gone, it leaves a hole. Sometimes a small hole, sometimes a canyon, and it hurts. Sure, time heals all wounds but it also leaves a scar. Our scars remind us that the past was real (apologies to Papa Roach) and they also remind us of what we thought we had managed to put behind us.
I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re thinking “Man, I didn’t expect deep thoughts on the blog this week.” Well, I’m sorry. I lost something dear to me this week and I need this forum to help me sort things out. What I’ve lost cannot simply be replaced and has honestly turned my world inside out. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’m unmotivated and basically listless. The sky doesn’t seem quite so blue, the flowers not quite as sweet, the grass not quite as green (sure, that’s probably due to the lack of rain but, whatever). The point is, I’m circling the drain here, fellas. This is me, calling out to all of you for help here. This…This is my time of need. So, if any of you have any idea where my iPod might be, please, PLEASE, let me know.
Now, on with the Week 6 Matchups….
Louisville at Cincinnati- Birds versus Cats, er, Bears, er….whatever, for the Keg of Nails. The weird thing about it; this keg is not filled with the kind of nails like you hammer into a wall, it’s nails as in fingernails and toenails. Seriously, a whole bucket full of ‘em. They used to make the losing team get all of theirs pulled out and dumped into the bucket. But, due to infections and all the yelling & screaming and whatnot, that tradition stopped in 1982. Yeah, I know, pussies. Now they just fill it with fake nails donated from local Asian-operated salons and the pinky nails of rehabilitating cocaine addicts. So anyway, that’s what they’re playing for. Woo-Hoo, Keg of Nails!
Wisconsin at Penn State- Joe Pa will again violate doctors orders and put his 137 year-old carcass on a plane in hopes of bringing back the Basket of Amish Cheese Fries. Tradition calls for the victors to eat a few, then ask for a to-go box, take ‘em home, put ‘em in the fridge, forget about them for a week, then eventually toss ‘em in the garbage.
Colorado at Kansas State- The battle for the Wild Buffalo Chip dates back to 1947. The winners used to pass the chip (turd) around on the field, with each player chewing off a bit like it was jerky. Then they’d wash it down with shots of whisky and an evening spent watching naked midgets perform parlor tricks. Sadly, today the dung has been replaced by an imitation made of formica, no one eats any of it, there’s no whisky, and the midgets only go topless. In other words, it’s a lot less like dinner at Mama Squintz' house and a lot more like dinner at Johnny B’s.
Traditions. Rivalries. I like to call them Tradivalries. Tradivalries are fun. And those college football tradivalries are great. They’re some of the reasons why I love college football so much. Hmmm, I wonder what it would be like if the NFL had tradivalries like these………….
Bengals at Chiefs- This is the 23rd meeting between these two teams in the tussle for the Giant Can of Manwich. It’s part barbecue, part chili, and all manly.
When I was ten, I ate Manwiches for lunch every day for two straight weeks. Man, they were good. Of course, having part of my colon replaced took a little of the fun out of it. It also gave me really bad gas. I remember at one point during that Manwich two-week marathon, I farted and killed my neighbors beagle. He whimpered a little, his eyes rolled back in his head, then he just went limp. Poor little Moxie.
Texans at Jaguars- The newest of the NFL rivalries, these two teams wage war for the first time to see who can bring home the Teal Boot! It’s a size 16EE, made of low-grade patent leather and was donated by the cast of the Broadway musical version of Brokeback Mountain. But don’t let it’s looks fool you, over the next few decades, men will put their lives on the line for this fruity booty. Especially the wide receivers who dress kinda flashy. And the gay guys. Yep, the gay guys will definitely be going all out to win that thing. No doubt.
Dolphins at Browns- This marks the 33rd Battle for the Brown Blowhole. It quite simply doesn’t get any crappier than this.
Redskins at Packers- Beginning in 1954, the Government Cheese Bowl is one of the oldest of all NFL rivalry games. As is tradition, the victors eat the entire fifty gallon bowl of cheese, drop their pants, then cut the cheese into the faces of the seated losers at midfield. It’s really something everyone should witness in person at least once before you die, right up there with “Picking up and killing a hitchiker” and “Getting drunk & wearing footie pajamas to a cousins wedding”.
Rams at Ravens- Formerly known as the Battle for the Brown Fog Helmet when the franchises were in Los Angeles and Cleveland, this rivalry has remained intact but is now billed as The Battle at 39 Degrees Longitude. You know what they say, “What happens at 39 degrees longitude, stays at 39 degrees longitude.” That’s right, baby! Who’s with me? …. Nobody? Nobody’s with me? Okay, that’s fine. Maybe later. Anyway, the winner of this one gets a nice tweed suit that measures 39” long. Yeah, kinda stupid, but it’s sponsored by some tailor, so you figure it out.
Vikings at Bears- The War on I-94 wages twice each year in the cold north. As a tribute to the millions of bikers who travel this great highway, the two teams battle for the Mama Squintz Studded Leather Bra. For those of you who have seen Mama Squintz in her studded leather bra (and let’s face it, who hasn’t), you know that it’s quite stunning. In fact, you might say it’s so stunning that you’ve probably begged her to keep it on. That is of course unless you happen to be lucky enough to be spending time with her after she’s had her nipples waxed. In that case, with all the clumpy fur patches gone, you’ll probably want to get the bra off and play motorboat for a little while. Either way, Brian Griese and Tavarus Jackson will see just who can suck the least this Sunday and bring home the coveted boulder-holder.
Eagles at Jets- Played every four years, this is the 10th edition of the Delaware River Showdown. Commemorating Washington’s crossing of the Delaware, as well as these two teams affinity for the color green, they play for a very special prize. A crisp, new one-dollar bill. MVP of the game gets to take it to a special lady at a nearby gentlemen’s club.
Titans at Buccaneers- Billed as the Tenne-Tampa Tussle, this is one of the newest and friendliest rivalries in the NFL. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden’s squads will trade blows in hopes of capturing the highly coveted “T” Bag. As is tradition, the victors get to hold it over the losers heads for the whole year.
Panthers at Cardinals- The Caro-Zona Scuffle is played in tribute to the brave men & women who lost their lives in the North Carolina-Arizona skirmish of 1887. For those of you who haven’t heard of the North Carolina-Arizona skirmish, it’s because I made it up in my head. Just seconds ago. I like to imagine that it was sparked by lively debate over a tanned & busty Tuscon woman’s right to bare her knees in public while on vacation in Hilton Head. Arizona sent troops across country to wage the battle, ultimately claiming victory in less than three hours, after which the tanned & busty Tuscon woman said she was getting cold and threw on a pair of jeans.
Patriots at Cowboys- Formerly known as the “We’re America’s Team, No, We’re America’s Team” game. But now, as a tribute to a man who coached both of these teams, this rivalry has been re-named the Parcells Bowl. Winning team takes possession of the Tuna Boat, a ninety-foot replica of a fishing vessel that smells like Mama Squintz’ panties dipped in salt water!
Raiders at Chargers- Buckle-up bros, it’s the 72nd edition of the NoCal/SoCal Throwdown! As is customary, no one is arrested at the Throwdown unless you commit a felony. Kinda like this guy….
Also, as is customary, the winning franchise gets the exclusive right to use the threat of moving to Los Angeles until the next Throwdown.
Saints at Seahawks- You pit the team hailing from the rainiest city in America against the team hailing from the floodiest city in America and what do you get? You get The Splash Bowl. Originally, these two teams fought for the coveted Water Log, but now the prize is the even more coveted Golden Galoshes.
And yes, “floodiest” is a word. It’s Cajun.
Monday Night
Giants at Falcons- The North-South Smashmouth Smackdown is played bi-annually for the Mason Dixon Cider Jug. As a bonus, the winning team will also take home this year’s traveling Monday Night Football trophy, the very special Joe Theisman Tibia Bone.
So, I just got back from the music research study and, as promised, I'm here at my computer to tell you all about it. After some pretty nifty navigating through rush-hour bridge traffic, I arrived right on time at the Radisson in Covington. Upon entering, I was met outside one of the ballrooms by a busty lady from Memphis and her daughter, an equally busty co-ed from UC. They offered me a beverage and ushered me into the ballroom. Sadly, all of the beverages were non-alcoholic. I mentioned that I did my best work while lightly buzzed and they promised to “get right on it”. After impressively entering the room with an air of confidence and superiority, I took my seat next to a moderately attractive Asian girl in the back row. There were forty people in the room, including Johnny B, who was sitting in the front row next to a young frumpy brunette sporting a tragic hairdo and a curious facial scar. The room was comprised of people representing all races & walks of life, none of them realizing that their opinions were meaningless and their presence simply a cover to help shield my presence and to keep my input as secret as possible.
After a couple minutes, we were greeted by the facilitator. His name was, well, I don’t remember his name and it’s really not important. He said he was from San Diego and was sporting one of those Tommy Bahama-style button-up shirts. He looked to be of Italian descent, was balding, and certainly hadn’t missed too many meals lately. After Tommy Bald Spot gave a brief tutorial on how to use this electronic device thingy which was given to each of us, he proceeded to play music for me, I mean “us”, to grade. He played seven-second cuts from 600 songs. They were played in groups of fifty and, including a short break (during which the busty mom from Memphis slipped me a vodka tonic), lasted a little over two hours.
As each song cut played, the objective was to turn the dial on your electronic thingy between 1 and 100 to indicate how much you liked the song. The songs played came from such bands as Guns n Roses (obviously an inside joke from the research team to me), Nickelback, The Beastie Boys, My Chemical Romance, The Cult, U2, The Raconteurs, Alice in Chains, Tom Petty, The Offspring, The Pixies, and REM (again, obviously another inside joke just for me). I gave three songs a “100”- Scars by Linkin Park, Icky Thump by The White Stripes, and Miss Murder by AFI. All of the REM songs as well as one by The Dave Matthews Band understandably received a “1”.
At the end of the session, everyone was given a $65 check and a free pen. After a quit stop at the boys room, Johnny B and I decided to get something to eat at a nearby Frisch’s. While in the restaurant, I received a call on my cell from the Tommy Bald Spot. He thanked me for being discreet, apologized for not having alcohol available upon my arrival, and scheduled a face-to-face for me with some radio & record execs in LA later this month. I didn’t want Johnny B to be jealous so I told him that the call was from our mutual friend Joe who was calling to see if we wanted to play in an adult dodgeball league on Friday nights. Definitely not my best cover-up effort. I mean seriously, who believes a story like that? Anyway, after we finished our meal, Johnny B drew some vulgar cartoons on his placemat with his newly acquired free pen, flirted a little with our plus-size waitress, and then we headed home.
So there you have it. After a six year-long battle with burrito addiction, I’m back in the music biz. As is typical, from here forward I will be required to sign confidentiality agreements and therefore will not be able to feed you specifics on my high-level meetings, power lunches, celebrity consultations, and in-studio collaborations. And even though I’m moving on to things that are much more important than anything most of you have ever done or will ever do, I still need every one of you. I need you to help keep me grounded. And as I ask you for this, I’m reminded of a line from the "More Cowbell" sketch on SNL. I believe it was Christopher Walken, who, while portraying Bruce Dickinson, said, “Fellas, I put my pants on just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except, after my pants are on, I make gold records.”
Now, let’s get on with the matchups….
Oklahoma at Texas- Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy is expected to start this week despite suffering a concussion last week ag-…..hang on a second. Their quarterback’s name is “Colt McCoy”? Seriously? Wow. If that’s who I think it is, that guy is good. Real good. He starred in this flick called Double Dong Dude Ranch. It was about him and this other guy, Tex Mustang, and they ran a home for delinquent high school rodeo girls. Man, Colt & Tex tag-teamed every one of the girls. There was this one scene where Colt hogtied this girl and Tex whipped out…..anyway, it was cool. I mean, I heard it was cool. Johnny B told me about it. He’s a weirdo porn freak.
Florida at LSU- LSU is #1 in the AP poll for the first time since 1959. Also occurring this week for the first time since 1959; some fat guy in Phoenix lost 95 lbs and was able to look down and see his penis again. Which is more impressive? Who cares? Check out this Gator chick...
(uh, what is that, some spooge on her left thigh?)
Browns at Patriots- I’m seriously not right in the head. That’s all. After the last two matchups, I just thought it needed to be acknowledged. Oh yeah, uh, the Pats are awesome and the Browns are still not very good.
Seahawks at Steelers- Last Saturday, in between changing the furnace filter and mowing the lawn, I took inventory of the people I hate. I call it my "People I'd Like to Hit in the Face with a Shovel" List. It’s not a long list (because I’m a lover, not a fighter), containing just a handful of names, such as: Osama Bin Laden, Chris Berman, Michael Moorer, Rosie O’Donnell, Stuart Scott, Steve Young, Morgan Ensberg (I have my reasons), Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and the guy who runs Gold’s Gym on Colerain Ave. That guy’s a complete dickhead. There are also a few groups of people on the list, including: Al Qaeda, Cubs fans, Yankee fans, Hillary Clinton supporters, Cincinnati's City Council, the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, the cast of The View (except Elizabeth Hasselbeck- hottie!), everyone on MTV, and, of course, Steelers fans. Everyone and every group not mentioned, I like. Some I like a lot, some I like a little, some I love, and some I just tolerate. You? Oh, I love you. And your mom, I REALLY love your mom. No, not you, I was talking to Squintz.
Panthers at Saints- Jake Delhomme’s out with a bad elbow, David Carr’s in with a bad track record. Meanwhile, New Orleans is desperate. Real desperate. Another loss this week and they’re up the creek without a paddle. They’ll be in over their heads. Lost in a flood of bad emotions. Caught in a storm of controversy. Ok, I’ll stop.
Lions at Redskins-
The cheerleader shown above: a) works as a grade school teacher by day b) likes short guys with bald spots & chubby fingers c) is an accomplished pianist d) left her bra in the back seat of my car e) killed the real Barry Sanders and buried him in a park outside Roanoke, VA.
Answer: sadly, none of the above
Jets at Giants- The Jets travel down the hall to the visitor’s locker room to take on the Giants. I know I’ve mentioned this before but doesn’t this setup just suck? The Jets are like that loser brother-in-law who lives with you because he can’t afford his own place, throws wild parties when you’re gone, and then has the nerve to try and win money off of you at your poker party. Hey Jets, save some money, fix your credit, and get your own fucking place! Losers.
Dolphins at Texans- Hey everybody, it’s Cheerleader Pose-Down Time!!!
Falcons at Titans- Who else has Week 5 in the Madden Cover Curse pool? Be very careful Vince Young, my gypsy advisor claims that this is the week.
Jaguars at Chiefs- As the Bengals scout the Chiefs for their Week 6 matchup, they’ll surely be paying careful attention to how effective the Chiefs are in running the ball against a two-linebacker set. What? The Jags have more than two linebackers? They have several? As many as four on the field at the same time? Now that’s just plain crazy. How can you expect the Bengals to get an accurate scouting report?
Cardinals at Rams- Odds that Matt Leinart will lose his starting quarterback job to Kurt Warner- 4:1 Odds that Matt Leinart will lose his sperm to another gold digger girlfriend- 2:1 Odds that Matt Leinart will lose his sperm to Kurt Warner- EVEN
Buccaneers at Colts- T-Dungy hosts his old team. Animosity? Ill will? Probably not. Dungy’s not that type of guy and hardly any of his players from those days are still with the Bucs. That’s all, nothing funny to say about this one. Nothing about Manning’s horse face. Nothing about Garcia’s uncanny resemblance to Carrot Top, or his sexual preferences, or his new nickname, “The Bride of Chucky”. Nope, no smartass remarks at all. Just tryin’ to keep it clean & professional just like my main man T-Dungy.
Chargers at Broncos- I found a video clip to illustrate the current situation in San Diego. Eddie Griffin is playing the part of Norv Turner and the sports car is playing the part of the Chargers.
Ravens at Niners- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Bears at Packers- We’ve just received details on the recently signed contract signed between Brett Favre and Satan. It’s a two-year deal giving Favre a 2-1 touchdown-to-interception ratio and injury protection. In return, Favre agrees to give Satan his first three grandchildren (four if the first three are girls), as well as six season tickets to Lambeau Field and an autographed cheese head.
Monday Night
Cowboys at Bills- Too bad this game is in Buffalo. When the score gets out of hand, we’re gonna get shots of this….
