A Busty Lady from Memphis, fun at Frisch's, The Double Dong Dude Ranch, The Bride of Chucky, and details on Favre's Deal with the Devil

So, I just got back from the music research study and, as promised, I'm here at my computer to tell you all about it. After some pretty nifty navigating through rush-hour bridge traffic, I arrived right on time at the Radisson in Covington. Upon entering, I was met outside one of the ballrooms by a busty lady from Memphis and her daughter, an equally busty co-ed from UC. They offered me a beverage and ushered me into the ballroom. Sadly, all of the beverages were non-alcoholic. I mentioned that I did my best work while lightly buzzed and they promised to “get right on it”. After impressively entering the room with an air of confidence and superiority, I took my seat next to a moderately attractive Asian girl in the back row. There were forty people in the room, including Johnny B, who was sitting in the front row next to a young frumpy brunette sporting a tragic hairdo and a curious facial scar. The room was comprised of people representing all races & walks of life, none of them realizing that their opinions were meaningless and their presence simply a cover to help shield my presence and to keep my input as secret as possible.

After a couple minutes, we were greeted by the facilitator. His name was, well, I don’t remember his name and it’s really not important. He said he was from San Diego and was sporting one of those Tommy Bahama-style button-up shirts. He looked to be of Italian descent, was balding, and certainly hadn’t missed too many meals lately. After Tommy Bald Spot gave a brief tutorial on how to use this electronic device thingy which was given to each of us, he proceeded to play music for me, I mean “us”, to grade. He played seven-second cuts from 600 songs. They were played in groups of fifty and, including a short break (during which the busty mom from Memphis slipped me a vodka tonic), lasted a little over two hours.

As each song cut played, the objective was to turn the dial on your electronic thingy between 1 and 100 to indicate how much you liked the song. The songs played came from such bands as Guns n Roses (obviously an inside joke from the research team to me), Nickelback, The Beastie Boys, My Chemical Romance, The Cult, U2, The Raconteurs, Alice in Chains, Tom Petty, The Offspring, The Pixies, and REM (again, obviously another inside joke just for me). I gave three songs a “100”- Scars by Linkin Park, Icky Thump by The White Stripes, and Miss Murder by AFI. All of the REM songs as well as one by The Dave Matthews Band understandably received a “1”.

At the end of the session, everyone was given a $65 check and a free pen. After a quit stop at the boys room, Johnny B and I decided to get something to eat at a nearby Frisch’s. While in the restaurant, I received a call on my cell from the Tommy Bald Spot. He thanked me for being discreet, apologized for not having alcohol available upon my arrival, and scheduled a face-to-face for me with some radio & record execs in LA later this month. I didn’t want Johnny B to be jealous so I told him that the call was from our mutual friend Joe who was calling to see if we wanted to play in an adult dodgeball league on Friday nights. Definitely not my best cover-up effort. I mean seriously, who believes a story like that? Anyway, after we finished our meal, Johnny B drew some vulgar cartoons on his placemat with his newly acquired free pen, flirted a little with our plus-size waitress, and then we headed home.

So there you have it. After a six year-long battle with burrito addiction, I’m back in the music biz. As is typical, from here forward I will be required to sign confidentiality agreements and therefore will not be able to feed you specifics on my high-level meetings, power lunches, celebrity consultations, and in-studio collaborations. And even though I’m moving on to things that are much more important than anything most of you have ever done or will ever do, I still need every one of you. I need you to help keep me grounded. And as I ask you for this, I’m reminded of a line from the "More Cowbell" sketch on SNL. I believe it was Christopher Walken, who, while portraying Bruce Dickinson, said, “Fellas, I put my pants on just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except, after my pants are on, I make gold records.”

Now, let’s get on with the matchups….



Oklahoma at Texas-
Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy is expected to start this week despite suffering a concussion last week ag-…..hang on a second. Their quarterback’s name is “Colt McCoy”?
Seriously?
Wow. If that’s who I think it is, that guy is good. Real good. He starred in this flick called Double Dong Dude Ranch. It was about him and this other guy, Tex Mustang, and they ran a home for delinquent high school rodeo girls. Man, Colt & Tex tag-teamed every one of the girls. There was this one scene where Colt hogtied this girl and Tex whipped out…..anyway, it was cool. I mean, I heard it was cool. Johnny B told me about it. He’s a weirdo porn freak.



Florida at LSU-
LSU is #1 in the AP poll for the first time since 1959. Also occurring this week for the first time since 1959; some fat guy in Phoenix lost 95 lbs and was able to look down and see his penis again. Which is more impressive? Who cares? Check out this Gator chick...



(uh, what is that, some spooge on her left thigh?)



Browns at Patriots-
I’m seriously not right in the head. That’s all. After the last two matchups, I just thought it needed to be acknowledged. Oh yeah, uh, the Pats are awesome and the Browns are still not very good.



Seahawks at Steelers-
Last Saturday, in between changing the furnace filter and mowing the lawn, I took inventory of the people I hate. I call it my "People I'd Like to Hit in the Face with a Shovel" List. It’s not a long list (because I’m a lover, not a fighter), containing just a handful of names, such as: Osama Bin Laden, Chris Berman, Michael Moorer, Rosie O’Donnell, Stuart Scott, Steve Young, Morgan Ensberg (I have my reasons), Al Gore, Hillary Clinton, and the guy who runs Gold’s Gym on Colerain Ave. That guy’s a complete dickhead.
There are also a few groups of people on the list, including: Al Qaeda, Cubs fans, Yankee fans, Hillary Clinton supporters, Cincinnati's City Council, the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, the cast of The View (except Elizabeth Hasselbeck- hottie!), everyone on MTV, and, of course, Steelers fans.
Everyone and every group not mentioned, I like. Some I like a lot, some I like a little, some I love, and some I just tolerate.
You? Oh, I love you. And your mom, I REALLY love your mom.
No, not you, I was talking to Squintz.



Panthers at Saints-
Jake Delhomme’s out with a bad elbow, David Carr’s in with a bad track record. Meanwhile, New Orleans is desperate. Real desperate. Another loss this week and they’re up the creek without a paddle. They’ll be in over their heads. Lost in a flood of bad emotions. Caught in a storm of controversy. Ok, I’ll stop.



Lions at Redskins-




The cheerleader shown above:
a) works as a grade school teacher by day
b) likes short guys with bald spots & chubby fingers
c) is an accomplished pianist
d) left her bra in the back seat of my car
e) killed the real Barry Sanders and buried him in a park outside Roanoke, VA.

Answer: sadly, none of the above



Jets at Giants-
The Jets travel down the hall to the visitor’s locker room to take on the Giants.
I know I’ve mentioned this before but doesn’t this setup just suck? The Jets are like that loser brother-in-law who lives with you because he can’t afford his own place, throws wild parties when you’re gone, and then has the nerve to try and win money off of you at your poker party. Hey Jets, save some money, fix your credit, and get your own fucking place! Losers.



Dolphins at Texans-
Hey everybody, it’s Cheerleader Pose-Down Time!!!












Falcons at Titans-
Who else has Week 5 in the Madden Cover Curse pool? Be very careful Vince Young, my gypsy advisor claims that this is the week.





Jaguars at Chiefs-
As the Bengals scout the Chiefs for their Week 6 matchup, they’ll surely be paying careful attention to how effective the Chiefs are in running the ball against a two-linebacker set. What? The Jags have more than two linebackers? They have several? As many as four on the field at the same time? Now that’s just plain crazy. How can you expect the Bengals to get an accurate scouting report?



Cardinals at Rams-
Odds that Matt Leinart will lose his starting quarterback job to Kurt Warner- 4:1
Odds that Matt Leinart will lose his sperm to another gold digger girlfriend- 2:1
Odds that Matt Leinart will lose his sperm to Kurt Warner- EVEN




Buccaneers at Colts-
T-Dungy hosts his old team.
Animosity?
Ill will?
Probably not. Dungy’s not that type of guy and hardly any of his players from those days are still with the Bucs. That’s all, nothing funny to say about this one. Nothing about Manning’s horse face. Nothing about Garcia’s uncanny resemblance to Carrot Top, or his sexual preferences, or his new nickname, “The Bride of Chucky”. Nope, no smartass remarks at all. Just tryin’ to keep it clean & professional just like my main man T-Dungy.



Chargers at Broncos-
I found a video clip to illustrate the current situation in San Diego. Eddie Griffin is playing the part of Norv Turner and the sports car is playing the part of the Chargers.






Ravens at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!



Bears at Packers-
We’ve just received details on the recently signed contract signed between Brett Favre and Satan. It’s a two-year deal giving Favre a 2-1 touchdown-to-interception ratio and injury protection. In return, Favre agrees to give Satan his first three grandchildren (four if the first three are girls), as well as six season tickets to Lambeau Field and an autographed cheese head.


Monday Night

Cowboys at Bills-
Too bad this game is in Buffalo. When the score gets out of hand, we’re gonna get shots of this….



instead of shots of this….