Have you ever gotten used to something and then it was suddenly gone? I mean really used to it, to the point where if you didn’t have it, you didn’t quite know what to do. Maybe your morning cup of coffee, maybe your car, your cell phone, perhaps your cool electric toothbrush that plays Don’t Worry Be Happy while it whirls around. Bobby McFerrin is so wise. Maybe you lost something even more significant, like a parent or a spouse or, God forbid, a child. When that someone or something is gone, it leaves a hole. Sometimes a small hole, sometimes a canyon, and it hurts. Sure, time heals all wounds but it also leaves a scar. Our scars remind us that the past was real (apologies to Papa Roach) and they also remind us of what we thought we had managed to put behind us.
I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re thinking “Man, I didn’t expect deep thoughts on the blog this week.” Well, I’m sorry. I lost something dear to me this week and I need this forum to help me sort things out. What I’ve lost cannot simply be replaced and has honestly turned my world inside out. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’m unmotivated and basically listless. The sky doesn’t seem quite so blue, the flowers not quite as sweet, the grass not quite as green (sure, that’s probably due to the lack of rain but, whatever). The point is, I’m circling the drain here, fellas. This is me, calling out to all of you for help here. This…This is my time of need.
So, if any of you have any idea where my iPod might be, please, PLEASE, let me know.
Now, on with the Week 6 Matchups….
Louisville at Cincinnati-
Birds versus Cats, er, Bears, er….whatever, for the Keg of Nails. The weird thing about it; this keg is not filled with the kind of nails like you hammer into a wall, it’s nails as in fingernails and toenails. Seriously, a whole bucket full of ‘em. They used to make the losing team get all of theirs pulled out and dumped into the bucket. But, due to infections and all the yelling & screaming and whatnot, that tradition stopped in 1982. Yeah, I know, pussies. Now they just fill it with fake nails donated from local Asian-operated salons and the pinky nails of rehabilitating cocaine addicts. So anyway, that’s what they’re playing for. Woo-Hoo, Keg of Nails!
Wisconsin at Penn State-
Joe Pa will again violate doctors orders and put his 137 year-old carcass on a plane in hopes of bringing back the Basket of Amish Cheese Fries. Tradition calls for the victors to eat a few, then ask for a to-go box, take ‘em home, put ‘em in the fridge, forget about them for a week, then eventually toss ‘em in the garbage.
Colorado at Kansas State-
The battle for the Wild Buffalo Chip dates back to 1947. The winners used to pass the chip (turd) around on the field, with each player chewing off a bit like it was jerky. Then they’d wash it down with shots of whisky and an evening spent watching naked midgets perform parlor tricks. Sadly, today the dung has been replaced by an imitation made of formica, no one eats any of it, there’s no whisky, and the midgets only go topless. In other words, it’s a lot less like dinner at Mama Squintz' house and a lot more like dinner at Johnny B’s.
Traditions. Rivalries.
I like to call them Tradivalries. Tradivalries are fun. And those college football tradivalries are great. They’re some of the reasons why I love college football so much. Hmmm, I wonder what it would be like if the NFL had tradivalries like these………….
Bengals at Chiefs-
This is the 23rd meeting between these two teams in the tussle for the Giant Can of Manwich. It’s part barbecue, part chili, and all manly.
When I was ten, I ate Manwiches for lunch every day for two straight weeks. Man, they were good. Of course, having part of my colon replaced took a little of the fun out of it. It also gave me really bad gas. I remember at one point during that Manwich two-week marathon, I farted and killed my neighbors beagle. He whimpered a little, his eyes rolled back in his head, then he just went limp. Poor little Moxie.
Texans at Jaguars-
The newest of the NFL rivalries, these two teams wage war for the first time to see who can bring home the Teal Boot! It’s a size 16EE, made of low-grade patent leather and was donated by the cast of the Broadway musical version of Brokeback Mountain. But don’t let it’s looks fool you, over the next few decades, men will put their lives on the line for this fruity booty. Especially the wide receivers who dress kinda flashy. And the gay guys. Yep, the gay guys will definitely be going all out to win that thing. No doubt.
Dolphins at Browns-
This marks the 33rd Battle for the Brown Blowhole.
It quite simply doesn’t get any crappier than this.
Redskins at Packers-
Beginning in 1954, the Government Cheese Bowl is one of the oldest of all NFL rivalry games. As is tradition, the victors eat the entire fifty gallon bowl of cheese, drop their pants, then cut the cheese into the faces of the seated losers at midfield. It’s really something everyone should witness in person at least once before you die, right up there with “Picking up and killing a hitchiker” and “Getting drunk & wearing footie pajamas to a cousins wedding”.
Rams at Ravens-
Formerly known as the Battle for the Brown Fog Helmet when the franchises were in Los Angeles and Cleveland, this rivalry has remained intact but is now billed as The Battle at 39 Degrees Longitude. You know what they say, “What happens at 39 degrees longitude, stays at 39 degrees longitude.” That’s right, baby! Who’s with me? …. Nobody? Nobody’s with me? Okay, that’s fine. Maybe later.
Anyway, the winner of this one gets a nice tweed suit that measures 39” long. Yeah, kinda stupid, but it’s sponsored by some tailor, so you figure it out.
Vikings at Bears-
The War on I-94 wages twice each year in the cold north. As a tribute to the millions of bikers who travel this great highway, the two teams battle for the Mama Squintz Studded Leather Bra. For those of you who have seen Mama Squintz in her studded leather bra (and let’s face it, who hasn’t), you know that it’s quite stunning. In fact, you might say it’s so stunning that you’ve probably begged her to keep it on. That is of course unless you happen to be lucky enough to be spending time with her after she’s had her nipples waxed. In that case, with all the clumpy fur patches gone, you’ll probably want to get the bra off and play motorboat for a little while.
Either way, Brian Griese and Tavarus Jackson will see just who can suck the least this Sunday and bring home the coveted boulder-holder.
Eagles at Jets-
Played every four years, this is the 10th edition of the Delaware River Showdown. Commemorating Washington’s crossing of the Delaware, as well as these two teams affinity for the color green, they play for a very special prize. A crisp, new one-dollar bill. MVP of the game gets to take it to a special lady at a nearby gentlemen’s club.
Titans at Buccaneers-
Billed as the Tenne-Tampa Tussle, this is one of the newest and friendliest rivalries in the NFL. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden’s squads will trade blows in hopes of capturing the highly coveted “T” Bag. As is tradition, the victors get to hold it over the losers heads for the whole year.
Panthers at Cardinals-
The Caro-Zona Scuffle is played in tribute to the brave men & women who lost their lives in the North Carolina-Arizona skirmish of 1887. For those of you who haven’t heard of the North Carolina-Arizona skirmish, it’s because I made it up in my head. Just seconds ago. I like to imagine that it was sparked by lively debate over a tanned & busty Tuscon woman’s right to bare her knees in public while on vacation in Hilton Head. Arizona sent troops across country to wage the battle, ultimately claiming victory in less than three hours, after which the tanned & busty Tuscon woman said she was getting cold and threw on a pair of jeans.
Patriots at Cowboys-
Formerly known as the “We’re America’s Team, No, We’re America’s Team” game. But now, as a tribute to a man who coached both of these teams, this rivalry has been re-named the Parcells Bowl. Winning team takes possession of the Tuna Boat, a ninety-foot replica of a fishing vessel that smells like Mama Squintz’ panties dipped in salt water!
Raiders at Chargers-
Buckle-up bros, it’s the 72nd edition of the NoCal/SoCal Throwdown!
As is customary, no one is arrested at the Throwdown unless you commit a felony. Kinda like this guy….
Also, as is customary, the winning franchise gets the exclusive right to use the threat of moving to Los Angeles until the next Throwdown.
Saints at Seahawks-
You pit the team hailing from the rainiest city in America against the team hailing from the floodiest city in America and what do you get?
You get The Splash Bowl. Originally, these two teams fought for the coveted Water Log, but now the prize is the even more coveted Golden Galoshes.
And yes, “floodiest” is a word. It’s Cajun.
Monday Night
Giants at Falcons-
The North-South Smashmouth Smackdown is played bi-annually for the Mason Dixon Cider Jug. As a bonus, the winning team will also take home this year’s traveling Monday Night Football trophy, the very special Joe Theisman Tibia Bone.
Good luck paloozers.
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