Pigskin Palooza: This couldn't possibly turn out badly

With thirty seven percent of precincts reporting, I am calling the State of Confusion for Barack Obama. Senator McCain and Governor Milfy McMilferstein put up a courageous fight but ultimately did not have enough to bring down the slickly packaged political superstar. In this day and age, flash beats substance, coolness beats passion, introspective inaction beats aggression, and image is everything. McCain is George Thorogood, Obama is Kanye West. McCain is Richard Dreyfuss, Obama is Keanu Reeves. McCain is a bowl of Grape Nuts, Obama is a heaping bowl of Lucky Charms. In other words, McCain drinks alone, makes mashed potato models of terrorists and tries to keep his bowels regular while Obama plays to stadium crowds, cruises across the Matrix and is, well, magically fucking delicious.

All of that aside, the question is, will Barry Obama lead us to better days? Will he lead us to the brink of a socialistic state? Will he naively lead us into trouble with our enemies? Will he lead Congress in an inspired version of Papa Was a Rolling Stone and get his freak on with a shitload of new spending, higher taxes, nationalized healthcare and the free speech-muzzling return of the Fairness Doctrine?
(No. Possibly. Likely. Without a shadow of a fucking doubt.)
Whatever shall happen over the next four years, we have two groups of people two blame if it goes horribly wrong. As usual, it’s the same two groups that seem to fuck up everything- the young kids and the old farts.

According to the pouty lip gloss of ABC's Diane Sawyer, nearly seventy percent of voters under the age of thirty voted for socialist senator Barack Hussein Obama. In a related story, nearly seventy percent of voters under the age of thirty listen to Coldplay, drink frappuccinos and still live in their parents’ basements. Meanwhile, only twenty three percent of elderly voters managed to drag their feeble asses to the polling stations to vote for the war-wounded veteran senator from Arizona. Although in fairness, sixty two percent of them tried to get to the polls but nearly two-thirds of them got lost, started weeping, and many were subsequently mugged by some of the under-thirty voters who were making their way home from the polls.

Yep, the elderly and the naive youngsters. One group painfully helpless and the other painfully naive. They're same two groups who have the most trouble operating vehicles without incident. They're the same two groups who are most likely not to have the current responsibilities of raising children and home ownership. They're the same two groups who are most likely to fall for a Nigerian email scam. And now again, they've proven to be the two groups most likely to fall for the deception of the left-leaning media.

So, great....fantastic. We've been force-fed a media concocted empty suit propelled into office by kids who have yet to hold down a full-time job and the inaction of those who can no longer hold down a full-time job. No, this is gonna be great, really.

Now if you will excuse me, I must go talk Johnny B down from his roof. And LIVE FROM CINCINNAT, IT'S Election Night Matchups!….

Thursday Night

Broncos at Browns-