So anyway, I’m excited. I know that getting excited over a new chicken bowl recipe from Popeye’s may make some of you say that I need to reassess my priorities but I promise you, my priorities are in check. I’m taking care of business, taking care of my jobs around the house, spending time with the kids, putting in time volunteering in the parish, and keeping myself more than adequately informed on the impending election. But that being the case, I still can’t help myself. In the now fifteen hours or so since viewing that Popeye’s commercial last night, my waking thoughts have been dominated by getting my hands on one of those fucking chicken bowls. Louisiana-style chicken, red beans, rice, melted cheese,……uh….I’d better stop before I need to call for a towel.
Any minute now, it will arrive. Thanks to one of my loyal employees making the lunch run, it will arrive alongside an ice cold Coke at any moment. I can’t ev- Wait, the door’s opening…..nevermind, not her….. Damn, I’ve got to get a grip here. It’s just that I REALLY want to eat one. I can honestly say that if they made ‘em large enough, I’d order one the size of an above-ground pool and swim around in it. I can’t rationally explain the desire here but seriously, nothing could keep me from devouring one today. You could make me sit through a live taping of The View, followed by an uncomfortable three-way with Bill Maher & Al Franken and I’d do it if I had to do it to get one. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t make it through the live taping but I’d at least try. Oh good God man, get control of yourself! Here, I’ll turn on the radio for a distraction….
Rush Limbaugh. Nice. A little politics, get riled-up over the Drive-bys and the Obamamedia. Yeah, he is a socialist. Yeah, higher taxes won’t work. Exactly! Who wants a repeat of the Carter years? Not me. That’s right, preach it, Rush. Preach it with that deep, rich voice of yours. That full, resonating, commanding voice, a touch gravely with a little extra saliva and a touch of nasal blockage. Reminds me of a thick-bodied rural attorney, talking issues at the state fair. The smell of fresh buttered corn and fresh baked pies filling the air, children carrying hot caramel apples, smoke wafting up out of a generous supply of outdoor barbecue pits, Daisy Mae in her sun dress eating a corndog and twirling her long, brown hair in her fingers. GOOD LORD, WHERE IS THAT CHICKEN BOWL!?!
I’ve got to get control. Here, I’ll slap myself in the face, clear my head. SMACK!
Uh, didn’t work. Now I’m just hungry and mad. Whoooo. Maybe an Altoid will curb the desire. Oooh. Fresh, clean, curiously strong. Hey whaddya know, the tin is right. Well, my mouth is preoccupied but my stomach is still making noises. Maybe I’ll--- ooh, the phone. It’s my direct line……It’s a client……her CDs maturing and she wants the current interest rates…….says she wants to put some of the money in the market but her husband is chicken……………WHERE IS THAT FUCKING BOWL?!?! I NEED THAT TENDER CHICKEN, HEARTY RED BEANS, RICE, CHEESE AND SWEET-ASS SOUR CREAM RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! ……No, Mrs. Callahan, I was talking to someone else……I thought I’d put the phone on mute……What’s that? Come over for dinner? No, thank you but …..That’s very nice of you but I really shouldn’t…… Oh, I gotta go!
IT’S HERE!!!!!!!!!
….(8 minutes later)
THAT WAS…..not really worth all the build-up. I mean, it was definitely good but certainly not earth-shattering. Maybe I ate it too fast. You’re supposed to savor your food, right? Yeah, I was just kinda feverishly shoveling and swallowing. I should probably try another one and take my time with it. Yep, definitely deserves another shot. I’ll see if I can talk Governor Palin into going to Popeye’s for dinner tonight. We’re going on a double date with Joe the Plumber and some high school chick he met while repairing her mom’s pipes last week.
I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Now, on with the matchups……
Saturday
Florida v Georgia in Jacksonville-
Pigskin Palooza is proud to again be a sponsor of the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. We’ll have a booth set up in the northeast corner of Lot C, handing out complimentary glow-in-the-dark condoms and selling raffle tickets to win a Barack Obama autographed copy of his favorite book.
Texas at Texas Tech-
Longhorns at Red Raiders. Red Raiders, wasn’t that the name of the group with the song Lunatic Fringe? You know, that song from Vision Quest. Madonna, guys in wrestling tights, Matthew Modine wrestling shirtless & sweaty by himself in the dark- quite possibly the gayest 80’s movie moment this side of the volleyball scene in Top Gun….. No? Oh, Red Rider. That’s right. Nevermind.
Sunday
Jets at Bills-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!
Lions at Bears-
The Rod Marinelli Farewell Tour heads to Chicago!
Jaguars at Bengals-
The Marvin Lewis “I’ve Got Two Years Left on My Contract and Therefore Won’t Be Fired by Our Cheapass Owner” Tour heads back home to Cincinnati!
Buccaneers at Chiefs-
How are the Chiefs not sitting in the crap patch with the Lions and the Bengals? In seven games, they’ve been outscored 193 – 99 and have been wheeling out the likes of Tyler Thigpen, Brody Croyle and Ingle Martin at quarterback. Seriously, how do they have a win? It’s a mysterious accomplishment, right up there with Easter Island, the Great Pyramids, and how Hee Haw lasted for 25 seasons.
Ravens at Browns-
Kellen Winslow was fined & suspended last week by the Browns for insinuating that his staph infection and the staph infections of several teammates was the result of something amiss at Browns Stadium. Ya think?
You know, I had an infection in my staph once but I was man enough to admit that it may have been because I hadn’t properly pre-screened my bevy of big breasted Asian pleasure providers.
Texans at Vikings-
How has the Vikings marketing department not yet hired Flava Flav? He could rap the National Anthem, run out to retrieve the kickoff tees, mess with the cheerleaders, supply the team with some natural “vitamins”. It’s an absolute no-brainer.
Cardinals at Rams-
Ahhh, what would an NFL season be without a mid-season battle for supremacy in the NFC West by two mediocre teams? It’s really quite comforting, a sort of subtle reminder that all’s still okay with the world. Kinda like watching an old lady narrowly avoid breaking a hip on national television.
Packers at Titans-
This game just has “solid” written all over it. Both teams with solid offensive lines. Both teams with solid defensive lines. Both teams with solid coaching staffs and solid, if not flashy quarterbacks. Just….solid. If this game were a car, it’d be a Volvo.
If it was a candy bar, it’d be a Chunky.
And if it were a sexual position, it’d be The Wheelbarrow
Dolphins at Broncos-
It's Cheerleader Pose Down Time!!!
Cowboys at Giants-
Anybody else get the feeling Jerry Jones has already been out shopping for Wade Phillip’s going away present? Maybe something to accentuate his FUPA. What’s that? You don’t know what a FUPA is? Well, let me take a moment to educate you….
Falcons at Raiders-
What do you think Al Davis dresses up as on Halloween? The obvious answer is that he could go as any number of vile, heinous, horrifying creatures without donning a mask of any kind. The not-so-obvious answer is “Stormtrooper”. I bet he goes as a stormtrooper. And yes, this is merely a lame attempt to segue into some more kickass random stormtrooper pics….
Eagles at Seahawks-
Quick, try to name two players on the Seahawks besides Matt Hasselbeck.
Quick, name two of the actresses on Desperate Housewives.
Quick, name two of the original members of the Bee Gees.
Damn, you are so gay.
Patriots at Colts-
With no Tom Brady and Peyton Manning not looking like Peyton Manning, there’s really just one question here- Who else is creeped the fuck out by that guy on the Sharp commercials? What is he, some kind of albino astrophysicist? Or, is he from a neighboring galaxy, here to harvest our organs and take them to some kind of interplanetary soup kitchen to feed the less-fortunate Democratic swing voters on his home planet? It’s like Edgar Winter mated with one of the Stepford Wives. Unless they’re trying to appeal to albino tekkies with a strange penchant for below-grade electronic brands I don’t know how this can possibly be good for Sharp.
Monday Night
Steelers at Redskins-
Look out Skins defense. He's still on the loose....
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