Whew, just made it back from a kick-ass stay at the St. Regis with my AIG homies. Bailout bucks are fucking awesome. I'm well-fed, well-rested, well-groomed and, well, ready to talk some football. And annuities. Who wants an annuity? First, football. Let's get on with the matchups....
Saturday
Texas v Oklahoma-
They call this one the Red River Shootout. Funny, that's what Mama Squintz and I used to call it when I'd tag her during her time of the month. That was of course back when she still had a "time of the month". Now it's a menstruation-free zone surrounded by hot flashes and dangerous mood swings.
LSU at Florida-
So, LSU D-tackle Ricky Jean-Francois said that if they get the chance, they'll put a "car-wreck hit" on Florida QB Tim Tebow. What kind of car would that be, Ricky Jean-Francois? A Renault Encore? I owned a Renault Encore back in the day. One time, I hit a pile of leaves with it and the front end buckled. Good luck, Frenchy.
Sunday
Ravens at Colts-
Remember that scene in Joe Dirt when the asteroid came crashing down to earth, Spade put it in his wagon, pulled it into town, ate french fries off of it, then found out that it wasn't an asteroid after all, just a big chunk of poopie? Well, I think I see a space peanut, and its' name is Joe Flacco.
Jaguars at Broncos-
Sure, Jay Cutler has looked great now that he's shooting-up with insulin on the sidelines. But unless the Denver defense gets diagnosed with a case of the sugars and gets their own set of needles, their season is gonna fall apart faster than the plotline of a '70's porno.
Lions at Vikings-
Jon Kitna versus Gus Frerotte, this Sunday only on FOX!
Bears at Falcons-
Quick, name the Falcons head coach......
Quick, name the Falcons top wide receiver......
Quick, name my penis......
30 points to you if your answers were Mike Smith, Roddy White, and Captain Chaos.
Raiders at Saints-
Al Davis, Dr. Kevorkian will see you now.
Panthers at Bucs-
Hey kids, it's Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!
Bengals at Jets-
J-E-T-S Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!
Cowboys at Cardinals-
After nearly getting Anquan Boldin killed with a hang-him-out-to-dry pass over the middle in New York two weeks ago, Kurt Warner said he contemplated retirement. Wow, a white guy almost gets a black dude killed and he feels so bad about it that he nearly retires? Somewhere, Abe Lincoln and Dr. King are sharing an ice cream & a musty man-hug right about now.
Eagles at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!!
Packers at Seahawks-
"Hey, you got your cheese in my coffee."
"You got your coffee on my cheese."
"Whaddya say we make fondu lattes and recycle some shit?"
"Oohkay dere."
Rams at Redskins-
The Scott Linehan, er, Jim Haslett Farewell Tour heads to DC!
Dolphins at Texans-
Holy Tuna Helper, Batman. Parcells washes up on South Beach and all of a sudden the Fins are knocking off the Pats & the Bolts. Dude's a genius. A big, gooey, grumpy genius with kick-ass Jap plays.
I love Jap plays.
Patriots at Chargers-
Speaking of the Dolphins bitches, they play each other in the S-D this week. Mama Squintz and I once shared a weekend in San Diego. Seventy two non-stop hours of wet, wild action that included some ball play and a whole lot of dolphin stroking amidst the stench of raw fish and a lot of public applause. And no, we didn't go to Sea World. We were in our room. The whole time. She smelled like fish, played with my balls a lot and we kept the blinds open. Good times.
Monday Night
Giants at Browns-
Can't wait for the ESPN broadcast of this sure-fire instant classic. We're probably in for 20-30 comments from Kornsheister on why the Browns aren't as good as "we all" thought they'd be, 30-40 observations of Derek Anderson's flawed throwing mechanics by Jawborski, and yet another halftime "3-Minute Drill" from Chris Berman that will make me throw up in my mouth a little. Seriously, I'd rather they just put an emu and two roosters in the booth and a couple of midgets with tourettes syndrome down on the sidelines.... Cock-a-doodle doo-FUCK! Shit-fucking fucker fuck! Cock-a-doodle-Horse Fuck! doo....Ass fucker! Shit! Fuck eggs! Bock-bock bacaw! Titty-fuck! Back to you, fuckers!
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