The NFL is heading across the pond again. Yep, the Saints and the Chargers are the lucky lambs this season, chosen to play in front of a semi-curious, totally ambivalent, mostly pasty white crowd at Wembley Stadium in London this Sunday. I still don't get why the fuck they do this. Are they really looking to set up shop in Europe? Are they looking down the line for AFC & NFC East, West, North, South, and Europe divisions? I can see how the overwhelming success of NFL Europe would get their hopes up. I mean, who can forget the uproar and mass hysteria caused by the Frankfurt Galaxy, the London Monarchs, the Barcelona Dragons, and the Brussels Beefenshtorkers.
(Okay, so I embellished that last one. The Beefenshtorkers were in Munich, not Brussels. Brussels just seemed to flow better. I like aliteration. And making shit up.)
Anyway, whatever, if Goodell wants to whore out one game out of 256, that's up to him. London, Mexico City, Toronto, it's an all-expense paid roadie for him. Make a little extra cash, open a few merchandising doors, it's cool. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of taking Pigskin Palooza international. That's right, I'm currently in talks with groups in Nigeria and the Phllippines to start up leagues next season. The Nigerians have already sent me their money. All of it. Actually, they sent me too much. I told 'em it was too much and they said to just open a bank account, deposit the checks, then wire the overage back to them. How cool is that?! Johnny B says it's a scam but what the fuck does he know. I'm the banker here. I think I'd know a money scam when I'd see one.
And the Phillipinos are awesome, too. Apparently, if I agree to forward some packages for them, they'll donate all their winnings to the charity of my choice. No fucking lie. They send me packages to a PO Box, I match the code name on the return address line to an address in an email sent the same day, forward the package to that address, and that's it. Oh, and keep the packages far from open flames and police dogs. Whatever. All I know is, I'm going global, fuckers. Speaking of which, I gotta' hurry up with this. There's an email in my inbox from a dude in Calgary notifying me that I won some lottery. I don't even remember playing the Canadian Lottery. How awesome is that?! Let me answer that for myself- It's way awesome. That's right, while you donkeys are twiddling your dicks down here in the states, I'm cashing in international-style.
Now, on with the matchups....
Saturday
UC at UConn-
UConn’s down to their second quarterback, UC’s down to their, what, fifth? Good thing this game’s being played in Hartford. You know, cause of the insurance. There are a lot of insurance companies there. Because of the quarterbacks. You know, they’ll need insurance. Oh forget it.
Penn State at Ohio State-
Joe Pa hasn’t won in Columbus since 1978. Coincidentally, that was also the same year of his last solid bowel movement.
Sunday
Raiders at Ravens-
Over the past few years, the Raiders have become the stormtroopers of the NFL. They’ve got a crazy, whacked-out leader with a face made to be hidden inside a helmet. They’ve got a great mystique and an ominous home field. And they look totally badass in their uniforms. Yet, they’re often easily neutralized by just a couple of jerkoffs and a wookie. This week, the jerkoffs will be portrayed by Joe Flacco and Le’Ron McClain while Ray Lewis will play the role of Wookie.
I had no idea there were so many fucking awesome stormtrooper pics out there. Seriously, I could've posted about fifty of them. More to come in the following weeks.
Cardinals at Panthers-
The NFC West is so horribly awful that the Cardinals are on the fast-track to the playoffs. They’re a shoe-in. There’s almost no way possible that even the Cardinals could screw this up for themselves. I mean, they’d have to literally shoot themselves in the foot. Literally. Like pick up a gun and shoot-…..Guys, I was speaking metaphorically. Anquan, Anquan, put down the gun. Put it DOWN. Put- …Thank you. Jeesh. Why….I mean, how does that even make sense. I was talking about what not to do. Really. Really? You’re in first place acting like this? Really? Anquan, I see you. Anquan! POW!!!
Fantastic. Would somebody please go get some gauze?
Buccaneers at Cowboys-
It’s Hot Significant Other Posedown Time!!!
Redskins at Lions-
The Lions have been outscored 54-0 in the first quarter this season and have trailed 21-0 in three of their six games. I believe I’m safe in saying that they play from behind more than Michael Jackson at a Wonderland sleepover. Zing!
Bills at Dolphins-
Something tells me that when the Fish run the ol’ direct snap to the tailback play, the Bills defense won’t drop a brick in the toilet like the Patriots did a few weeks ago. Something also tells me that my Spaghetti-O’s are done- the microwave’s beeping! Mmmmm, pasta rings and mystery meatballs in orangey tomato-ey sauce. Be back in a few minutes. Watch this while I’m gone….
Rams at Patriots-
Good Lord, how awful was Scott Linehan? The Goats fire him and all of a sudden they go from turd lickers to ass kickers. On the plus side for Linehan, his wife is the sister-in-law of actor Jim Caviezel. He was Christ in The Passion of the Christ. That’s gotta make for some creepy Easter get-togethers, huh?
(Special thanks to Wikipedia for the assist on this one. “Wikipedia, the official reference source of MSNBC.”)
Chargers v Saints in London-
Good day, Gov’na. Hows about some fish & chips with your pigskin? Blimey, would you look at those Charger cheer girls! I believe my knickers have developed a new wrinkle or two. Fellas, settle down, settle down. Mind your P’s and Q’s whilst I try my hand at wooing that redheaded one with some fresh crumpets and a hearty cup of my signature ruphenol tea.
Chiefs at Jets-
Things are so bad at quarterback for KC that they’re apparently considering signing Duante Culpepper. Not a terrible idea. He stinks but he’s probably better than their alternatives (Brody Croyle, Damon Huard, Ingle Martin). The bigger question however, is when are they going to get rid of their GM, Carl Petersen? Dude hasn’t put together a team to win a playoff game since ’92. Where else is that even remotely acceptable. Seriously, I mean who else can remain as a GM for so long without at least- Oh hey, Mike Brown, how ya’ doni’?.... Me?.... Good, we’ve got a new baby at home….What?....Oh, a girl…. Yep, girl number two….Thanks….Yeah, you too. See you later……Say Hi to Pumpkin and the family for me….
Um, where was I?
Falcons at Eagles-
What a day it’s gonna’ be for Philly fans this Sunday- An afternoon at the Linc watching the Iggles, washing down cheesesteaks with bottles of Yuengling, then chucking those bottles at people wearing Falcons jerseys. Next, after posting bail and a nice, healthy vomiting session, an evening at CBP to catch the fightin’ Phils take on the Bay-Rays. And finally, depending on the outcome of those contests, either a) joining an angry mob in looting, setting fires, and overturning cop cars, or b) joining a happy mob in looting, setting fires, and overturning cop cars.
Browns at Jaguars-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to Jacksonville!
Bengals at Texans-
The Texans sit at 1-4 and are favored by ten points.
Ten. Points.
Mike Brown is the fucking antichrist.
Giants at Steelers-
Warning to the members of the Giants defense:
There is a 6’0” 200lb gooky-spooky wide receiver on the loose. He is well-skilled in the art of the blindside cheap shot. Keep him in front of you at all times and wear a tinted face shield as he has also been known to temporarily blind opponents by flashing his huge goody-spooky teeth.
Seahawks at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them strai--- Oh hey, Mike Singletary. How are you, sir? No, nothing going on here. This? Oh, this is just a blog, it’s noth--- Uh, yeah, Pigskin Palooza. How did you --- You’ve read it before. Well, I can explain. You see-- What? Uh, yes, I guess I do like this kind of party, too….. Um, why are you locking the door?.... Now, let’s not do anything rash….Oh God, Oh God! (pee running down my leg, sounds of human bones cracking….)
Monday Night
Colts at Titans-
I’m Samurai Mike, I stop ‘em cold.
New coach of the Niners, big and bold,
I’ve been jammin’ for quite a while,
Doin’ what’s right and settin’ the style,
Took my chance, I rocked Smitty good,
No more messin’ in my neighborhood.
Now it’s my time to post on this stupid ass site,
I like the Colts to shock the Titans on Monday night.
But I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble,
I just came to do the Super Bowl Shuffle!
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