There’s a lot of talk about alliances nowadays. Alliances of people seeking political office, alliances of nations seeking a specific common goal, and of course, alliances between contestants on reality-challenge themed television programs. Sure, deciding on whether or not to allow Uzbekistan into the NATO alliance or figuring out if Barack Obama has a long-standing alliance with Bill Ayers are a bit more important than whether Megan leaves the Pumpkin-Toastie-Britney S. alliance to join the Whiteboy-Hoopz-Real alliance on I Love Money, but at the core, they’re really no different. In today’s world, it’s not so much who your friends are but who you’re aligned with. And it’s not so much about having someone else’s back but more about making sure that someone has yours.
Being in an alliance doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with everything your fellow alliance members say or do, or think. But it does mean that you’re willing to risk guilt-by-association in order to further your own cause. Your own cause. That’s right, no one really fights together anymore, do they? It’s all about what you need and who can best help you get what you need. And to get that assistance, we make some empty promises and fulfill them as well as possible until fulfilling them starts to detract ever so slightly from our own objective. That's when we pull the knife from the sheath, hide it behind our back, and yell to our alliance members, "Hey, look over there!" Of course not everyone’s like this, there are still honest, true to their words people around. These people are commonly referred to as Losers.
It didn’t used to be this way, did it? This isn’t how we were raised. Ben Cartwright and his boys kept their word on the Ponderosa no matter the trouble it created for them. And if memory serves correctly, Bo & Luke Duke spent a few unnecessary nights in the Hazard County Jail in order to keep their word. Even the 1970’s Brady kids didn’t act this way, did they? Well, maybe Marsha. Yeah, definitely Marsha. But overall the point still holds.
It used to be that a man’s word was all he had. Honor and loyalty were admired and those who went without in order to keep a promise were revered. Now they’re mocked. I’m guilty of it. I’ve mocked these people. I’ve been known to watch a reality show and yell things like “You idiot, this was your chance to back-door that guy”, or “Hey stupid, she’s got the immunity idol, you better double-cross her now, dumbass!” Knowing how to use people and precisely when to kick them aside has become an art form in our society. Better yet, it can get you paid. Well-paid. Even get you great poll numbers.
John McCain bears the wounds from loyalty to his country and his fellow soldiers. Aside from not being able to ever reach for anything on the top shelf ever again, aside from never being able to toss ball with his kids or grandkids, aside from dealing with the daily pain associated with those injuries, McCain, among other things, cannot use a keyboard like I’m doing right now. Barack Obama’s camp unleashed an ad mocking McCain’s poor computer skills, painting him as feeble and out of touch. When the Obama camp was called on the carpet for the ad, Biden, not Obama, apologized for the “mistake” without actually taking any responsibility and yet all was forgiven. Not once however, did the mainstream media use it as an opportunity to remind anyone of McCain’s character or devotion to country. Instead, the focus was on Biden’s character being confirmed for the semi-apology. In essence, the candidate who showed poor taste but was ambitious came out smelling sweeter than the candidate who was attacked for something stemming from his own loyalty. It’s my sense that McCain would’ve been better off to have accused Bill Ayers and Tony Rezko of wounding him with a folding chair at a WWF event circa 1968, making the Ayers-Obama-Rezko connection, then apologizing for the “mistake” before heading off for an interview with Diane Sawyer and her extra-shiny lip gloss.
I don’t mean to sound partisan on this issue. In fact, it cuts both ways. Sarah Palin, during her VP acceptance speech in St. Paul, mocked Obama for his background as a community activist. While there certainly can be debate on whether “Community Activist” or “Mayor of Wasila” should hold any weight on an application for President or Vice President of the United States of America (kinda like putting your high school pizza delivery job on your resume for the $125,000-a-year Regional Sales Coordinator job), it certainly isn’t anything you should be ashamed of or mocked for, is it? Well, Sarah Barracuda got a big laugh and even bigger applause from it and Obama had to spend some time defending himself for his work on the streets.
The point is, we’re becoming a country that rewards the art of the conniver, reveres the pirate, and respects the ends much more than the means. It's up to you and I, and all American parents to teach our children that this message being spoon-fed to them through the media is a message they should reject. It's no different than telling them that crazy Uncle Ned is a loon and they shouldn't listen to him, or not to follow the lead of the dirty kid down the street who eats mud and set fire to caterpillars. Let's not be afraid to denounce the messages coming at them on the television. Our society cannot afford to let the media win on this one. And let's face it, right now they're way ahead. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if a poll were conducted on Cain & Abel, Cain would score through the roof. Judas? Judas would be applauded for covering his ass. Hell, the rooster would even high-five him (obscure reference, check your Bible).
Speaking of roosters, it’s getting really fucking late & if I don’t get on with this it’s going to be daybreak before I finish. So in conclusion, alliances are good, some associations are bad, stab your buddy in the back before he gets you first, The Cartwrights, the Duke boys, the Bradys, all Losers, blah blah blah, pirates are cool, I like boobs, the end.
Now, on with the matchups….
Saturday
Stanford at UCLA-
The Bruins are so-so, the Cardinal stink….. really a snoozer of a matchup. So why did I select it? Like I said, I like boobs….
You’re welcome.
Cal at Arizona-
First of all, I can’t believe another year has passed and Cal hasn’t changed their team name to the Ripkens. This one’s on the slate simply to get that off of my chest, and to keep things out west. The U of Arizona is in Tucson. Tucson’s nice little town. I was there a couple years ago. Kinda earthy with lots of vegans & immigrants. It’s like ground zero for the veggie burrito industry. Hey, that reminds me of a joke. What do you call a comatose guy wrapped in a warm blanket?
A vegetable burrito.
I know, hell, straight to hell. Whatev.
Sunday
Chargers at Bills-
Don’t look now but I think the ineptitude of Principal Skinner (aka Norv Turner) is finally starting to affect the Chargers. Give him a couple more weeks and he’ll be chasing players around the practice fields & imploring Groundskeeper Willy for assistance.
Saints at Panthers-
With all the talk about the NFC East being clearly the best division in football, the NFC South is quietly making a case for itself. I’ll go so far as to say that the winner of the NFC South will go to the Super Bowl. Someday. And while I’m at it, here are three more rock-solid predictions for the near future….
1) The Tampa Bay Rays will win the World Series, continue to see low attendance figures next season, then change their name to the Tampa Bay Ray-Rays in an attempt to boost ticket sales to the “drunk black uncle” demographic.
2) Johnny B will appear as a guest on The View to tout his new book, Wet Dreaming of Jodie, an autobiographical look at his unhealthy obsession with Jodie Foster and his plans to woo her with a half dozen red roses and a ride in his red van back to his place where they’ll listen to a personalized iMix while enjoying a chicken dinner on the banks of his well-stocked koi pond.
3) Sarah Palin will have dinner at my house, compliment me on the chicken marsala, take a few sips of her ruphenol-laden chianti, then have absolutely no recollection of the rest of the evening, an evening that I will claim under oath to have been completely uneventful despite forensic evidence to suggest otherwise.
Vikings at Bears-
I hereby decree that all in-division NFC North games be played in the snow from here forward. No exceptions. Schedule them all at the end of the season, blow in man-made snow like they do at the ski slopes if you have to, but for the love of all that is holy, get at least three inches on the ground by kickoff. So sayeth me, so sayeth us all.
Steelers at Bengals-
Carson Palmer’s out again, which means yet another futile attempt by Ryan Fitzpatrick to drive the Bengals offensive short bus. Honestly, if your starting quarterback’s nickname is “Fitzy”, then you ‘ve got no chance. The only people who should be nicknamed “Fitzy” are epileptics and loveable, elderly desk cops in afterschool movies.
Titans at Chiefs-
Jeff Fisher’s fellas are a lot like that 24-carat diamond ring marked down to $129 on the Shop Latino Network (Dish Network, channel 220) at one o’clock in the morning. It looks great but something’s not quite right. I can’t help but feel that as soon as I get sold on them, two weeks later I’m going to receive a package and open it to find a Dora the Explorer decoder ring & a half-eaten pack of Mentos.
Ravens at Dolphins-
From 1-15 last season to beating the Pats & Chargers back-to-back weeks, then narrowly missing their third win in a row on the road last Sunday in the final seconds in Houston. The Dolphins have to be the most interesting story of the last six weeks, right? It’s either them, the Lindsay Lohan is she gay-is she not gay deal, or that whole election thingy.
Niners at Giants-
I watched the NFL Films story of the 1989 Bengals last Saturday afternoon on the NFL Network. Much in the same way that the documentaries about 9-11 should be watched every so often, this too should be watched by all Bengal fans, just so we never forget.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Cowboys at Rams-
Things sure are bleak in the Big D. They’ve lost two of three, Romo hurt his pinky, Felix Jones hurt his hammy, their punter hurt his foot, PacMan got suspended. Again.
What they need is something to lift their spirits. Hit that Casio, holmes!
Lions at Texans-
DVR ALERT! Dan Orlovsky is under center for Detroit this Sunday!
Colts at Packers-
Peyton Manning is back. The Pack is stacked.
Dwight Freeney attacks while the Pack strikes back.
Smickety-smack, flacka-lacka-lack.
I like big racks and drinkin’ lots of Jack.
Crack-tack, tacka-tacka, Crack-tack, tacka-tacka
Could someone please hand me……my……meds?
Jets at Raiders-
Browns at Redskins-
It’s official, Derek Anderson has ended his holdout and renewed his deal with the devil. We don’t have all the details yet but sources close to the negotiations say that it is on one-year deal which includes Anderson’s 2nd and 3rd born offspring as well as exclusive rights for Satan to use Anderson’s body as a vessel for evil during each holiday season.
Seahawks at Bucs-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour heads to Tampa with Seneca Wallace likely to get the start in place of the balding Matt Hasselbeck. The baldness will reportedly keep Hasselbeck out of action until after their bye week.
Monday Night
Broncos at Patriots-
Time for this week’s pop quiz….
Denver quarterback Jay Cutler is a diabetic who needs to monitor his blood sugar levels during each game. Which of the following snacks would have the most positive effect on raising his blood sugar?
a) a bowl of Lucky Charms
b) a Snickers bar
c) a can of Mountain Dew
d) a can of Mountain Dew Code Red
e) a taste of Mama Squintz’ honey pot
Answer: b) inside of e) sitting in a large a)
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