Thanksgiving’s a strange name for a holiday, isn't it? I’m not sure why, probably because it’s a verb. Maybe it should be called Pilgrims and Indians Power Lunch Day, or I Can’t Believe I’m Actually Related to These People Day, or just officially go ahead and simply change it to Turkey Day. Better yet, let’s keep it a verb and call it what it really is- Turkeygorging. Yes! And let’s not stop there. What if we used verbs for all of the holidays? "Merry Giftgiving!", "Happy Egghunting", "Have a fun Trickortreating", "Happy Green Beerdrinking", "Have a nice Fireworking", "See you next Balldropping"…. I like ‘em. Let’s just call ‘em what they are. Oh sure, they’re a little crass, but nobody really does what you’re supposed to do on the holidays anymore anyway, at least not for more than a few minutes. We all start out with good intentions and then, well, we get distracted…
Christ was born to save us, wow, what a grand gesture, praise God. Hmmm, I wonder if Marge got me that cordless drill I wanted?
Man, the colonists sure were brave to take on the English army and we sure owe a lot to the founding fathers for having the wisdom to form a democracy, Ooh look, a box of M-80s!
Christ died on the cross, rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven. It was the ultimate sacrifice and he did it to save us. Man, that’s so…..Hey, who ate my last Cadbury egg?!
I’m thankful for my family, for our good health, for our dog Sparky, for this wonderful...aw fuck it, let's eat!
Look, it is what it is and we are what we are. And what we are is a self-absorbed, gluttonous nation with a desperate need to constantly be entertained. No, not all of us. Just me, and everyone else I know. And Thanksgiving brings the self absorption, gluttony, and entertainment to the table simultaneously like no other holiday can. You spend all day embellishing your accomplishments for the year, surrounded by more food than you could possibly eat, drinking for free, watching football and placing side bets on whether great Uncle Ernie’s dentures are going to fall out as he valiantly takes on yet another slice of pecan pie. It’s honestly just some bright lights and a bunny ranch away from having your own little Vegas vacation right in the comfort of your own home. String up some Christmas lights, invite Mama Squintz over, log onto an offshore gambling site and suddenly you’ve reached “What happens in the living room, stays in the living room” Level.
And this year it’s all extended by another three hours or so. That’s right, thanks to the good people at The NFL Network, we now have a Turkey Day Tripleheader! And it’s not just one more football game (which in and of itself would be fantastic enough). No, it’s not only the added game that’s got me excited, it’s the extension of the day and the amount of time that families will feel obligated to spend with one another. Sure it’s just three more hours, but those three extra hours, at the end of an evening of too much food and too much alcohol, exponentially increases the potential for all sorts of good stuff to happen. And by "good stuff" I of course mean things that can ruin family dynamics and cause wills to be changed.
It’s three more hours that Aunt Sally has to hold her tongue about Aunt Mildred’s dry stuffing, three more hours than Uncle Pete has to keep from dropping an A-bomb in the only downstairs bathroom, three more hours for cousin Randy to hold off the urge to sneak away & light up a doobie out in the garage, three more hours for Uncle Frank to resist the urge to whack ultra-opinionated Uncle John in the head with one of Grandma’s heavy brass candlesticks, three more hours for cousin Derek and half-cousin Amy to keep their newfound sexual relationship a secret, and three more hours for everyone to try and keep themselves from calling out Aunt Mildred, Uncle Pete, Cousin Randy, Uncle Frank, Uncle John, Cousin Derek, and Half-Cousin Amy as being, respectively, a bad cook, a stanky ass, a drug addict, a violent drunk, a dickhead, and a couple of borderline in-breeders. Odds are, somebody's gonna crack.
Yep, it very well could happen. And if it does, a magical thing will occur; Memories will be created. That's what the holidays are all about, aren't they? Creating memories to share and last a lifetime. And if no one cracks? Well, then we'll just have to settle for three more hours of getting to know one another a little bit better. Maybe share a few extra laughs, share some knowledge, lend a compassionate ear, some kind words, or re-tell some forgotten stories. Either way it's a win-win. Plus, if you don't feel like all that touchy-feely stuff, you can just mix in a few sleeping pills with the tryptophan, chase 'em with some Wild Turkey, and drift off while watching that extra football game.
Happy Turkeygorging!
Now, on with the matchups...
Turkey Day
Dolphins at Lions-
Who needs tryptophan when you've got the Lions offense?
By the way, welcome back to the D, Joey Harrington.
Buccaneers at Cowboys-
Could everyone please just get ahold of yourselves with regards to all the Tony Romo talk? What's this guy started, three games? Didn't Scott Mitchell, Jeff Blake, and Don Majkowski win their first three games, too? Calm down. Give him a few more games and he'll fall back to earth faster than you can say "Bruce Gradkowski".
Broncos at Chiefs-
Okay, it's official: I hate the Broncos. Despite having the best cheerleaders in the league, I still hate them. Why? In case you didn't see it Sunday night, here's why:
Just another in a long line of cheap shots from the dirtiest group in the NFL. Somebody oughtta chop block Shannahan then smack the back of his head, forcing his oversized dentures to shoot out of his face.
Sunday
Cardinals at Vikings-
How do you think Denny Green eats his Thanksgiving turkey? White meat first? Dark meat first? With stuffing? Without stuffing? Personally, I think he eats it like the dog on Tom & Jerry- holding it by a leg, he wraps his jowls around it & sucks the whole thing right off the bone, then sticks out his tongue and licks his whole face clean. You go Denny!
Sex Panthers at Redskins-
The Joe Gibbs Farewell Tour makes a stop back in DC.
Bengals at Browns-
You simply can't think of Cincinnati and Thanksgiving without thinking of this...
Texans at Jets-
J-E-T-S, Suck!, Suck!!, SUCK!!!
Jaguars at Bills-
Remember back when you were dating around & you had a girlfriend you wanted to break up with but you just couldn't bring yourself to dump her, then, miraculously, she breaks it off with you with one of those "I love you but I just don't think it's gonna work out" talks, and you have to act bummed even though inside you're totally high-fiving yourself? Yeah, well I think that's how the rest of the Jags felt when Leftwich went down.
Saints at Falcons-
Whaddya say we all cut Mike Vick some slack. You know, it's not easy running an NFL offense when you've got the herpes virus corsing through your veins.
Steelers at Ravens-
Niners at Rams-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!
Raiders at Chargers-
Have you been following the Chargers lately? Good night. I haven't seen this many come-from-behind triumphs since I rented Ass Bangers III, The Revenge of the Syph
Bears at Patriots-
Exactly where do you think hoodies rank on Bill Belichek's list of things he's thankful for? I'm guessing it's right after "good health" and right before "my girthy penis".
Giants at Titans-
Jeff Fisher's mustache takes on some leftover cranberry sauce, candied yams, and a helping of lumpy mashed potatoes with gravy, this Sunday on FOX!
Eagles at Colts-
Jeff Garcia is starting at quarterback and Rocky VI hits the theatres. Not a good week to be from Philly.
Monday Night
Packers at Seahawks-
And finally, a quiz...
What was the original family pronunciation of "Favre"?
A) Fahv-ruh
B) Fav-or
C) Fahv-ray
D) Theez-man
E) None of the above, his ancestors were mutes
Answer: D) and E)
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