Okay, who slipped some coke in my Pepsi? Real funny. Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice?
What?
Sure you didn’t, whatever. Look, I’m not mad, just get me a fresh drink, without the white powdery narcotic this time. Oh whatever. I’m having hallucinations about the Titans, Bills, and Dolphins on winning streaks, about the Steelers being 4-7, about Mike Vick flipping people off, about some guy named Tony Romo being the next Joe Montana, not to mention the real good one about the Don Criqui & Beasley Reese reality show, and you’re gonna tell me that I don’t have some serious street drugs in my system? Come on. Seriously, just tell me who put it in my drink, I'll punch that person in the neck, we'll all laugh, and we'll move on. ...You don’t really expect me to be-…..Oh come on…..You can’t expect me to…..You're serious?....Don't you fuckin' lie to me...Really?...Everything except the Criqui & Resse thing?...Yeah, well I guess that one's pretty far out there…..Hmmm, well, okay then. Uh, whew. So if I’m not under the effects of co-…....Um, why does the television show the Packers beating the Seahawks by nine points in the third quarter?
Seriously, who put the fucking coke in my Pepsi?
Let's just get on with the Week 13 Matchups…
Ravens at Bengals-
Did you see the beat down that the Ratbirds layed on Slothlisberger last Sunday? Holy dick in the dirt, Batman. If I was Carson Palmer (and sadly, I'm not), I'd be spending the next couple of days getting fitted for a suit of body armor, an emergency jet pack, and some extra-absorbant adult diapers.
Cardinals at Rams-
My one ongoing fantasy that does not involve Salma Hayek is to see an NFL game where neither team is forced to punt for the entire sixty minutes. And seeing as though these two teams field less defense than the Swiss Army, this one's got a chance.
Falcons at Redskins-
My favorite headline from last weekend: "Vick Flips Two Dirty Birds."
By the way, who was the A-hole who made the Falcons his preseason pick to make the Super Bowl and then bragged about it on Week 9? Yep, I'm an idiot.
Lions at Patriots-
What is must feel like to be a Lions fan...
Colts at Titans-
Nice to see Pac Man Jones put down the crack pipe long enough to notch a couple key interceptions in the Titans come-from-the-dead win over the Giants last Sunday. Speaking of Pac Man, it's time for a quick quiz...
What was Adam "Pac Man" Jones' nickname before "Pac Man"?
A) Inky
B) Blinky
C) Pinky
D) Clyde
E) Ms Pac Man
Answer: None of the above. It was actually "Fuckface McGee".
Chiefs at Browns-
Huh, you mean Charlie Frye wasn't the long term solution at quarterback? Go figure.
Vikings at Bears-
You know how sometimes you go to a club, hook up with a girl, take her back to your place, she takes her clothes off, and then you realize that she has a penis? Yeah, well the Bears are the girl and Rex Grossman is the penis.
And no, that never really happened to me. But it did happen to Johnny B. Turned out okay though. They shared a few good years & raised a hairless cat.
Jets at Packers-
J-E-T-S, Suck, Suck, SUCK!!!
Seriously, beat somebody decent and I promise that I'll stop it.
Chargers at Bills-
I'd almost forgotten why I dislike the Bills until they won again last week and I heard Chris Berman say "Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!" for something like the 897th time. Like nails on a chalkboard.
For the love of God, I am begging for someone to please put a pick axe through his combover.
Niners at Saints-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!
Texans at Raiders-
Ladies and gentelemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Jaguars at Dolphins-
This is the kind of game that's been giving me severe headaches. The Jags beat good teams and lose to bad teams. They also typically win at home at lose on the road. So if I consider the Dolphins to still be a bad team, I should take them over the Jags. But if I consider them to now be a good team, I should take the Jags. Then again, it's a road game for the Jags.... However, it's not your typical road game because it's in-state, the weather will be nice... I don't know what to do. I think I'll take the- Hey look, it's Tom & Katie!
I had a great time at their wedding. Beautiful castle, wonderful food, great laser light show. I hope they like the cool wedding gifts I sent. I got them matching straight jackets. I know what you're thinking but they're cute. I had 'em screen printed. The front of Katie's reads I'M CRAZY ABOUT TOM and the front of Tom's reads TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.
Buccaneers at Steelers-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Gus Johnson Game of the Week!
Cowboys at Giants-
The Cowboys are proof positive that anything can happen in a month. Just a few weeks ago Dallas seemed doomed. Things were bleak. They were bleaker than bleak. They were downright bleck. Bledsoe was getting sacked like a small Scandinavian island and picked like a first grader's nose, T.O. was so miserable that he swallowed a half a bottle of goofy pills, and the Tuna looked to be one interview away from a quadruple bypass. Now with Romo slingin' the pig, everything's suddenly sunshine and daisies in the Big D. I tell ya, if Romo keeps playing like this and we'll eventually see Parcells and Jerry Jones riding into the stadium on a unicorn while shooting stars and rainbows fill the Texas sky.
Seahawks at Broncos-
So they finally decided to bench Jake Plummer. The only thing less surprising than that move was Britney Spears going out on the town without her panties last weekend.
Monday Night
Sex Panthers at Eagles-
Okay, one last time...
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