During those first couple of hours right after the Bengals monumental meltdown against the Chargers last Sunday, I was honestly in no mental condition to be living freely amongst other humans. You know that guy in every mental ward, the one wearing his pajamas backwards, licking on one of those huge all-day lollipops, singing “I’m a little teapot” and walking kinda funny because he just dumped a bowl of tapioca pudding down his pants? Yep, that was me. Crazy as a loon. And I gotta tell ya, Johnny B didn’t help matters any. I was on the phone with him during the waning moments of the debacle and he was morphing into some kind of half-man, half-wildebeast creature. At one point, his wife crossed in front of the tv and all I could make out was what sounded like a growl, a pounce, the breaking of a table, some muffled screams, tearing of flesh, and bones being eaten. Then the line went dead. I was going to call back later and check on him but I drove by his house & saw him digging in the yard, so I’m sure everything’s fine now.
Forty two points in one half! Seriously. No, …SERIOUSLY!!
How ridiculous is that? I'll tell you how ridiculous. It's beyond ridiculous. It's ridonkulous. No, it's beyond ridonkulous. It's ri-ding-dong-donkulous. No, actually it's beyond ri-ding-dong-donkulous. It's ri-ramma-lamma-ding-dong-donkulous. And did you see Bresnahan's face? Absolutely clueless. He looked like a farmer staring at a crop circle. Ugh, it's honestly sapping my will to live with each passing word I type about it. I'd much rather go and explore something less bizarre, like OJ's new book or the upcoming Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding. But first, let's get on with the matchups, which also happen to be quite ridiculous this week...
Falcons at Ravens-
So let me get this straight, the Falcons were steamrolling through the season until they got to the
@ Detroit
vs Browns
part of the schedule?
Ridiculous.
Bills at Texans-
Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
The fact that he still has a job is ridonkulous.
Bears at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S!
What? The Jets are 5-4? Now that's ri-ding-dong-donkulous.
Bengals at Saints-
Hey, it's quiz time!
Which of the following have gaping holes?
A) A block of Swiss cheese
B) OJ's alibi
C) The Bengals defense
D) Mama Squintz
E) All of the above plus one more that rhymes with "a fizzin' witch"
Answer: E)
(I'm ridiculous)
Vikings at Dolphins-
Over/Under on the number of Vikings players who will run past Daunte Culpepper and yell "Hey, nice clipboard": 15
Not so ridiculous.
Patriots at Packers-
Talk about your "nothing to lose" games, this is exactly that for Green Bay. They've already won more games (4) than most people thought they'd win all year and nobody outside of some of the more severely mentally-challeged upper deck season ticket holders at Lambeau are giving them a shot to win this one. I smell a possible upset. Or that could be a block of limburgher, their scents are quite similar. Oh, wait, I know what that smell is- it's the Patriots new third-string quarterback Vinny Testaverde. Yo, what up Vinny?
Hey yo, that's absalootly ridickalus.
Raiders at Chiefs-
Me, in last week's Matchups:
"Ya get the feeling that we're just a game or two away from Randy Moss changing his name back to The Disgruntled Randy Moss? Yeah, me too.
Randy Moss, as quoted this week in the San Fransisco Chronicle:
"Maybe because I'm unhappy and I'm not too much excited about what's going on...so, my concentration and focus level tend to go down sometimes when I'm in a bad mood. All I can say is if you put me in a good situation and make me happy, man, you get good results."
Yep, NostraSmitty strikes again.
I'm ridiculously talented.
Steelers at Browns-
Loser falls into last place in the AFC North, winner gets a used trophy and a free round of hummers from Mama Squintz.
She's ridiculously talented.
Rams at Sex Panthers-
Okay, one more time due to popular demand:
Redskins at Buccaneers-
Bruce Gradkowski and the Bucs do battle with Jason Campbell and the Skins, this Sunday on FOX!
Ri-stink-ulous.
Titans at Eagles-
Jeff Fisher's mustache gets a weekend in the land of cheesesteaks. This is not going to be pretty. My guess is that he'll have that thing looking like Mama Squintz beaver after some attempted cunnilingus- dishevled & matted down in places with cheese and small amounts of vomit.
Ri-stank-ulous.
Lions at Cardinals-
Does the winner of this one actually get credit for a "W"?
Seriously.
No, seriously.
Re-stunk-ulous.
Seahawks at Niners-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!
Colts at Cowboys-
Indy travels to the Big D to take on T.O. & Co. Wouldn't it be ironic if the Cowboys' K got a FG in OT to give Indy it's first L? But honestly, it's more likely that he'd miss the FG, or even a PAT, causing an EMT to give CPR to the Dallas HC, followed by a trip to the ER for an EKG, a few hours in the OR, then a nice little stay in the ICU. But I don't have ESP, so who knows. Ok?
R-D-U
Chargers at Broncos-
Seriously, these are the guys who put up 49 points on us last week?
Ri-ramma-lamma-ding-dong-donkulous.
Monday Night
Giants at Jaguars-
It's the episode you've been waiting for...Tom Coughlin comes back to Jacksonville. Memories are shared, old wounds are healed, and a romance is rekindled... this week on a very special Monday Night Football.
And afterwards, stay tuned for a brand new episode of Panhandling Near the Panhandle with this week's special guest, Tony Kornheiser. Watch as Tony and some friends get panhandled in a posh Jacksonville cafe. It's a special night of television, this Monday, on ESPN.
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