Let's call the whole thing off

After this video surfaced a couple days ago showing Jimmy Kimmel trying to move in on my girlfriend, I immediately hopped a plane to Hollywood with the sole intention of whooping his big, doughy ass. After sending out word to my legion of Tinseltown homies, I received a tip which has me currently staked out behind an In & Out Burger drive thru menu board somewhere in West Hollywood. My source tells me Kimmel should be arriving within minutes driving a black 2008 Land Cruiser. Word has it, he's coming for a double burger with cheese. He'll be leaving with a double shiner and a side order of regret. Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'm submitting this post via my iPod Touch. Turns out that this town is like one huge fucking WiFi hotspot. I met a dude down the block who runs an asian porn appreciation blog from his dumpster home behind an Arby's.

Below is the video which sparked my trip, followed by the matchups for this week. Please note the college games on the slate now that the NFL bye weeks have kicked in. Sorry, no comments on the games because, well, I'm on a stakeout.






Saturday's Games

Purdue at Notre Dame

Alabama at Georgia

Illinois at Penn State


Sunday's Games

Falcons at Panthers

Vikings at Titans

Texans at Jaguars

Niners at Saints

Cardinals at Jets

Packers at Bucs

Broncos at Chiefs

Browns at Bengals

Chargers at Raiders

Bills at Rams

Redskins at Cowboys

Eagles at Bears


Monday Night

Ravens at Steelers

Ike and Tina, Swedish Fish, Chinese Democracy, Sandhogs, Redd Foxx, Mama Squintz' panties, It's Always Sunny, and just a touch of racism

Being that I’ve lived in and around Cincinnati my whole life and will likely continue to do so until my untimely death at the hands of an angry 6’6” albino man wearing a bubble coat and carrying a tire iron (information obtained from a psychic I keep on retainer), there are some things I never thought I’d never say to any of my fellow neighbors. Phrases such as “Wanna pack a lunch and go watch the yacht races?”, or “I’ll catch the subway train and meet you at the Reds game”, or “You know, you’d better get tickets ahead of time, I heard that the Freedom Center’s exhibit is almost sold out”, and of course, “Hey, how’d your house hold up during the hurricane?”. Well, one down, three to go.

Hurricane Ike slapped the Queen City like she was Tina Turner circa 1972. No power, no phones, no motorcars, not a single lux-ur-y. Like David Caruso, baby. Er, Robinson Crusoe, whatever. It was the worst ten hours of my life. We nearly lost $50 worth of milk, waffles and frozen dinners and was forced to play board games and interact with each other. A lot. All I can say is that I’m glad it’s over and I think I’m a better, stronger person for it. Special thanks have to go out to my neighbor Jeff the Cop who let me borrow some bags of rock to hold down my daughter’s play set and to my neighbor Todd the Unfortunate who’s awesome swingset canopy performed like a kickass sail, sending the set end over end, into his fence, landing in a mangled heap, and giving us all a good laugh.
And the best part of the hurricane? It kept me from witnessing the early death of the Bengals version 2.008. Speaking of which, for those of you who have power and are lucky enough to be logged on and reading this right now, here are the Week 3 Matchups….




Chiefs at Falcons-
This week, the role of “Chiefs Quarterback” will be played by Tyler Thigpen. Also, the role of “Suicidal Fan Base” will be played by the good people of Kansas City.



Raiders at Bills-
Al Davis wants Lane Kiffin to quit so he can be rid of him and not have to pay him. Kiffin wants to be fired so he can leave and keep getting paid. Don’t know how it’s gonna play out but by the looks of this picture, it will likely involve the need to remove bloodstains.






Bucs at Bears-
Brian Griese! Kyle Orton! This Sunday, on FOX!!!



Panthers at Vikings-
Call me crazy but I think the Panthers just might be…. Oh God- Swedish Fish!.....Mmmmm, I pop one of these babies in my mouth and I get lost in the sweet rush of cherry goodness every time….. Dang, now where was I? Oh yeah, call me crazy but the Panthers just might be this year’s….. Oh heavenly father, are those Sno Caps?!



Bengals at Giants-
I don’t care who does it but either Marvin, Carson, or TJ had better step up and sell their soul to the devil ASAP.



Dolphins at Patriots-
It must really suck to know that your starting quarterback is worse than your rival’s backup quarterback. Seriously, the Fish have been trying to find a capable signal caller since Marino left in what, 1999? At this rate I don’t know which to expect first, a quality QB in Miami or the release of Chinese
Democracy.

Uh, and is it just me, or does Axl Rose now look like the guy who begs for money outside the Reds games with the sign that reads “Why Lie, I Want Beer”?



Texans at Titans-
New Oilers versus old Oilers. Speaking of oilers, have you caught any of that tv show about teams of illiterate, mouth-breathing oil riggers?



Are people’s jobs really that interesting that we need such tv shows about them? If your job is “vice cop”, “adult entertainer”, or “governor of Alaska” then, okay. But we’ve got reality shows about landscapers, house flippers, cake designers, oil riggers, truckers, tattoo artists…. What’s next, sewer workers?



I guess that would be a “yes”.



Browns at Ravens-
I view this game like I would a cage match between Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann. I don’t give a shit who wins, just as long as they both incur injuries which leave them visibly scarred, with embarrassing speech impediments, incontinence, and the inability to produce and erection.



Cardinals at Redskins-
I shall watch the Redskins versus Redbirds in the same manor and tradition by which I have for the past ten years: Drinking a case of Red Stripe whilst in the company of the well-preserved bodies of Redd Foxx , Red Auerbach, and Red Buttons. I’ll pretend that Redd Foxx calls the Redskins coach a big dummy, then he and Auerbach get into it and Buttons tries to cool the emotions by squirting water out of the flower on his lapel. Then I load ‘em all into the SUV and head out for a sauna, a steak dinner, and the random assaulting of some street hookers.






Saints at Broncos-
Forget the terrible call on the fumble/non-fumble by Jay Cutler last week. The real story was Mike Shannihan. Not only does dude have oversized dentures but we now know he’s got oversized balls, too. Damn that took stones, going for two with time expired. Make it and you beat the reigning division champs, miss it and you lose a heartbreaker. If I was an NFL head coach, I’d do the same thing. Hell, I’d go for two every time. And go for every fourth down. Fourth and twelve on our own twenty? Fuck you, we’re going for it. Punts are for pussies. Field goals are for faggots. No guts, no glory, bitches!



Lions at Niners-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!



Rams at Seahawks-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour continues without the Seahawks top four (that’s right, top FOUR) wide receivers. …And the Seahawks are still favored by ten points! God the Rams are awful. They stink like Mama Squintz’ panties after a full night of raving, followed by a 4am Crave Case feasting at White Castle.



Jaguars at Colts-
I hate to say this because of Johnny B’s man crush on Jack of the River but….the Jags might be D-O-N-E. They’re on the verge of 0-3.
It’s like getting gored by a bull. You just don’t come back from something like that.






Steelers at Eagles-
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns tonight!
Here’s a taste….






Cowboys at Packers-
The ‘Boys are loaded. Romo’s arguably the best quarterback in the league right now. T.O.’s arguably the best big-game receiver. Their defense is big, fast, and stifling. But none of those are the reason that they’ll likely make their triumphant return to the Super Bowl this year. The reason? Marion Barber.
Dude is a violent beast. He runs looking for people to destroy and hits ‘em like they just stole his hot bucket of fried chicken. (Ooh, was that racist? I don’t want to come off as racist. Maybe I should change it from “fried chicken” to “lunch money”.) I mean, the hits guys like they just stole his lunch money. Seriously, that’s one tough fuckin’ negro.


Monday Night
Jets at Chargers-
And finally, the first Palooza Cheerleader Posedown of 2008!

Offshore drilling, igloo sex, Oreo licking, Delhomme's butt, the Berlin Wall, rusty belt buckles, and the Love Boat

So like I was saying, our baby girl is a wee bit fussy. Combine that with a shitload of bullshit at work and trying to finish my independent study on the effects of empty compliments & white wine on the sexual habits of forty year-old divorced women, and I’ve got very little time for blogging nowadays. But I have found time for…wait a minute, did I just type “shitload of bullshit”? Shouldn’t that be “shit ton of bullshit”, or “barrel of bullshit, or “load of bullshit”, or “big chunk of poopie”? Feel free to vote on it. Anyway, and speaking of voting, one thing that I have found time for is the ongoing presidential election coverage. More specifically, the ongoing vice presidential election coverage. I don’t know what it is, maybe the way she dons her glasses, or the way she pouts her lips, or maybe I’m amazed at the way she loves me all the time, …..maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need her.

Baby, i'm a man,
and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me.
Baby, won't you help me to understand?
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.

Um, er whatever. Whatever it is, I’m clearly obsessed with Governor Palin. And I’m not alone. Here are the excerpts from the latest string of emails between me and everyone’s favorite fiscally conservative, socially libertarian, and devout meatatarian, Johnny B.

From:
“Kevin Smith”
To:
“John Bowman"

Johnny,
Here's the updated sheet. Not much else to say other than I turned 39 today, I have a bad head cold, I have to go back to work tomorrow, and the Bengals suck. Given all that, I was contemplating a long walk off of a short pier......until I received a phone message from Sarah Palin. She's invited me to the rally tomorrow at the Golden Lamb in Lebanon. Honestly, I didn't think she'd return my phone calls but I obviously got to her. Don't know if it was my rendition of Sara Smile that I sang onto her voicemail or the fingerpainting I sent her of the two of us making love on an igloo, but somehow I guess I touched her heart. Well, I'm off to find something to wear. I'm thinking shirt, tie, dockers, silk boxers, and a half a bottle of Axe. Wish me luck!


From:
"John Bowman"
To:
"Kevin Smith" .
Hey! Happy Birthday!

I hate to tell you this but Sarah and Little Johnny melted that igloo Saturday night. We finished in a pool of slushy sweat surrounded by a tribe of eskimos ( ice Arabs, she calls them... she's so cute) and a walrus named Koo Koo Kachoo. She fogged my glasses. I fogged hers. We fogged each other all night long. I am now a big fan of off shore drilling.

btw... the good guys are up by plus two in the polls.

Administrator of the Palin Interior (that's what she calls me... she's so cute)


There would’ve been more but Mama Squintz saw what I was typing, got slightly jealous, spit out her Skoal and skulled me with her half empty bottle of Wiedeman. I woke up three hours later tied to the bed, red ball gag in my mouth (as usual) and Mama S. passed out next to me with her lit cigarette slowly burning another hole into her terrycloth bathrobe. And because of all that, I missed the rally at the Golden Lamb. I’m hoping to catch up with her Governess next week at a diner in western Pennsylvania that’s frequented by coal miners. I figure next to those guys I’ll seem clean & fresh, and literate. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll try to woo her by showing up further down the campaign trail with flowers, candy, and the cold, rotting head of Keith Olbermann on a stick. Wish me luck.
Now, on with the matchups….


Packers at Lions-
Don’t miss the unveiling of the first “FIRE MATT MILLEN” banner at Ford Field for 2008. ETA on the banner is sometime early in the fourth quarter.



Giants at Rams-
Quick, what’s the name of the Rams head coach?
If you guessed "Who Gives a Fuck", you’re right! The judges say we can also accept the answers "Fuckface McGee" and "Scott Lenihan".



Saints at Redskins-
If Reggie Bush can penetrate his girlfriend’s big ol’ badonkadonk, then the Redskins D-Line should be mere childs play.





Bills at Jaguars-
Check out some of Buffalo’s finest. I’ve watched this five times and still can’t figure out if they’re outside Ralph Wilson Stadium or outside a small village in Vietnam. You make the call…





Titans at Bengals-
Rumor has it that injured (and worthless) Titans quarterback Vince Young was distraught after being booed by the home fans last week, so much so that friends and teammates fear that he may be suicidal. Here’s a tip to the suicide hotline operators in the Nashville area: If Vince happens to call in on your shift, remind him that things could be worse. Tell him he should be thankful that he’s rich, he’s talented, and most of all, that he doesn’t play for the Bengals.



Raiders at Chiefs-
I think it’s safe to say that the loser of this game can start having its’ front office and scouting departments begin working on the 2009 draft. It’s also safe to say that my balls itch right now. Damn, it feels like a friggin’ mosquito bit my sack. Oh no, wait, that’s just a couple of Mama Squintz’ crabs coming over to say Hi. What up fellas?!



Colts at Vikings-
“The 0-2 Indianapolis Colts “. Kinda has a nice ring to it, huh? On the bright side, Peyton can now concentrate more of his energy on eating Oreos with his dimwitted brother.
And while I'm on the topic, could someone please tell the marketing geniuses at Nabisco that we don’t need to see the Manning brothers trash talking with the Williams sisters. If they want to sell me their cookies, it's a simple recipe- just give me a thirty second closeup of Serena Williams licking the filling out of a Double Stuffed Oreo and placing the remaining saliva-soaked cookies on as pasties.
O-R-E-Oh my God!



Bears at Panthers-
Jake Delhomme apparently exposed his ass on national television.



In a related story, I saw a dead skunk on the side of the road and vomited on myself.




Falcons at Bucs-
The Super Ginger Kid Matt Ryan won his first start last week against the Lions and newly acquired tailback Michael Turner ran wild like a wildebeest hopped-up on greenies. This week, they may very well repeat their performances. But if they do, I won’t notice. I’ll be on the sidelines trying to get arrested….





Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!



Chargers at Broncos-
Shane Merriman is out for the season, Lorenzo Neal is ram blocking in Baltimore, Michael Turner is tearing it up in Atlanta, and the Chargers are staring at a possible 0-2 start. I’ve got three words for Phillip Rivers.
Karma baby, …karma.





Patriots at Jets-
Don’t know about you but when I heard that Tom Brady went down with a season-ending knee injury, I was washed over with the same feeling I had when the Berlin wall was torn down. ….Good times.



Dolphins at Cardinals-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!



Ravens at Texans-
With Hurricane Ike expected to hit on Saturday and a rainfall of biblical proportions heading towards H-Town, it’s a good thing the Texans have a roof on that new stadium. I think it’s safe to say that the roof is going to prevent the early rusting of approximately 7,250 lbs of belt buckles this weekend.






Steelers at Browns-
I’m calling it early…. The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour is now underway!



Monday Night

Eagles at Cowboys-
Doc, Isaac, Gopher….and the cheerleaders.

Hurricane Julia, Bigfoot drinking Gatorade, Ali Ali Oxenfree, Mama McNabb, Ginger Kids, Cojo, Chad Dos Dos, and Tits McGee

Normally, the first post of the season around here begins with an exceedingly long manifesto offering my take on just about everything in the world of sports and pop culture that’s happened since the Super Bowl. Well, not this season. I will spare you the manifesto and simply offer a couple words on the people, places and things that have been on my mind lately. Namely, Barack Obama, Britney, Big Brother 10, the Chinese female gymnastics team, Michael Phelps, The Banks Project, Mike Tirico, Sarah Palin, MSNBC, Wendy’s new fish sandwich, Jessica Biel, and Mama Squint'z new edible undies (hot air, hot mess, Keesha is HOT, tiny little unics, elephant man meets aquaman, still nothing?!, a grown-up Erkel, our first VPilf?, lost all credibility, hella tasty, hella tasty, and hella tasty).

Nope, no long drawn-out diatribe subjecting you to my view of the world. This season, most of the weekly posts will be much more brief than you’ve all come to expect. I know, “Thank God”, right? Well actually, it’s more like “Thank Julia”. Julia Louise (insert your Seinfeld joke here) Smith is our beautiful 19-day old baby girl whose addition to our home has caused me to adopt the sleeping habits of a Def Leppard roadie circa 1989.

Of course, I’ve been through this before and should’ve seen it coming. After all, we went through this with our other daughter five years ago. But I guess you can forget a lot in five years and of the things I’d somehow forgotten were the daily rituals of a newborn. More specifically, I forgot that they need to hit a bottle every three hours and in between the bottles they simply sleep, cry, puke on themselves, and crap their drawers. Basically, they’re like miniature Amy Winehouses. Right now, our little Amy Winehouse is sleeping so I’ve got a small window of opportunity to crank out this post. You might say we’re in the eye of Hurricane Julia. You also might say that given the impending arrival of Hurricane Gustav that last line was ill-timed and in poor taste, to which I say, uh, have we not met? So before the winds pick up, whaddya say we hit the Week One matchups and get this sumbitch started….


Thursday Night

Redskins at Giants-
As God is my witness, I still can’t believe Eli Manning won a Super Bowl. It isn’t often that a slack-jawed “aw shucks” dipshit heaves a prayer to a fourth string wide receiver who manages to pull it in against his helmet while crashing backwards to the ground. I swear that if you rewind the tape of that play, you can see a leprechaun riding a unicorn along the sidelines and Bigfoot drinking Gatorade with Mothman, the Easter Bunny and El Chupcabra.



Sunday

Seahawks at Bills-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour kicks off in Buffalo, NY. How do you think The Walrus likes his wings? I’m guessing he likes them by the bucket , doused in habanero sauce and tossed to him like the trainers toss minnows at Sea World.



Texans at Steelers-
Rumor has it that the Rooney family is going to sell the Steelers. If that’s true, I’d like to broker a deal for my client, Shake Ali Ali Oxenfree, to purchase the team, move them to Dubai and rename them the Dubai Brothers. Ben Rothlisberger and Hines Ward will be sold into slavery and replaced by the Shake’s eldest sons, Mujibar and Mareesh. This should be a no-brainer. I’m texting the commish immediately.



Bucs at Saints-
Due to inclement weather (and the second death blow to the Gomorrah on the Delta), this game may be played in Tampa instead. Or Baton Rouge, or Birmingham, or San Antonio. Hell, why not move the game to Dubai, give the locals a taste of what’s coming.





Lions at Falcons-
Congrats to the Falcons for picking a ginger kid #1 overall in last April’s draft.



And congratulations to the Lions for inexplicably keeping Matt Millen around as GM and depriving their fan base of all hope for yet another season. Between the depressed auto industry and the ineptitude of the Lions, I honestly don’t know how that city hasn’t managed to organize a mass suicide. Is it just poor planning? Seriously, somebody needs to step up and coordinate the effort. These things don’t just happen by themselves, people.



Rams at Eagles-
I’ve got some extremely saddening news to report: Chunky Soups has decided to scrap the “football players mothers” theme and go in a different direction with their latest ad campaign. That’s right, no more Mama McNabb and her sweet ebony love pillows serving up piping hot clam chowder any more. Fucking bullshit. With the restraining order still in effect, having her on my television was the only way for me to get close to her. I guess now I’ll be forced to proceed with Plan C- disguise Johnny B as a satellite repair man and have him install a hidden camera in her shower head. I’ll post still shots as soon as they become available.



Jaguars at Titans-
Nothing says The NFL like guys wearing teal tackling guys in powder blue. Seriously, I half-expect that transgendered mess, Cojo from Entertainment Tonight, to be on the sidelines giving a fashion report right after Joan Rivers interviews Vince Young in the tunnel and asks him who he’s wearing.





Jets at Dolphins-
Jet Favre and the Jets versus Chad Pennington and the Dolphins. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold. Unfortunately for Pennington, it’s gonna be like 95 degrees in Miami and he’s an absolutely terrible cook. On the bright side however, the Dolphins cheerleaders are still a scorching hot collection of bimbos. Check it out….







Bengals at Ravens-
Chad Ocho Cinco.
He legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. Why not Chad Needs Attention? Or Hey Look at Me? Maybe, Yoo Hoo Over Here. I don’t know if he’s a complete idiot or an evil genius, but I do know this- If I were Mike Brown, I’d immediately retire Isaac Curtis’ number (85) and assign a new one to Chad.
“Hey Chad, we’re gonna finally retire Isaac Curtis’ number and, well, we're gonna have to give you a different one. Here’s #22. Sorry, I know it’s probably a drag, what with your recent name change and all, but you’re more than welcome to change your name to Chad Dos Dos if you want. Talk to you later.”



Chiefs at Patriots-
A good, tough early season test for the Patriots……will come in a couple more weeks.



Cardinals at Niners-
Matt Leinart and Alex Smith will hold clipboards and watch Kurt Warner and JT O’Sullivan sling it around Monster Park this Sunday. Their scouting departments (and their mothers) must be so proud. Reminds me of a few years back when a co-worker of mine bought a brand new Mitsubishi Eclipse. Turned out to be a hunk of shit that kept breaking down so he was forced to drive his twelve year-old Civic to work all the time. This is exactly why people should read Consumer Reports before a major purchase. And it's also why there should be a Consumer Reports edition for football players.



Panthers at Chargers-
This matchup is of course set to take place in San Diego. You know what else was set in San Diego? Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. And rumor has it that a sequel to that movie is currently in the works. Rumor also has it that two of the stars from the original will not be in the sequel. Tits McGee's titties. You know, because of her mastectomy?
WHOA, ZING! POW! He did NOT just go there! Oh yes, he did! WHOOO! You know, at first I wasn’t going to type it but then I just said “Fuck it” and went for it. And I gotta say, it’s Ex-Zillerating! MAN! Don’t get me wrong, I like Christina Applegate, have had a crush on her since Married With Children, so I mean no disrespect. As a matter of fact, as soon as I hear she’s gotten her new implants, I’m SOOO gonna’ ask my wife if I can dial her up.






Cowboys at Browns-
Everybody picking the Browns to make a run at the Super Bowl realizes that they had the 32nd ranked defense in the league last year, right? That’s 32 out of 32. Sure, they added a couple of big defensive tackles (Shaun Rogers, Corey Williams) but they also traded their only quality cornerback (Leigh Bodden). Mark my words, they’re gonna be easier to score on than a Rock of Love girl on a one-on-one date.




Bears at Colts-
Kyle Orton wins the starting QB job in Chicago over Rex Grossman. For Lovie Smith, that’s kinda like taking your cousin to the prom instead of your sister, right? I mean, it’s gonna be embarrassing to show up with either of them, you’re not gonna score with either one of ‘em, but at least there’s a chance your cousin might not tell on you for snorting blow in the back of the limo.



Monday Night

Vikings at Packers-
Time for our first weekly quiz of the season:
Now that Favre has left Cheeseburg, who will the young ladies of Wisconsin turn to as the subject of their moist desires?
A) Aaron Rodgers
B) AJ Hawk
C) Ryan Braun
D) Johnny B
E) All of the above naked, smearing each other with butter

Answer: E) minus D)


Broncos at Raiders-
Ahh, the first Monday night of the season is spent in the Black Hole. Smells like cocoa butter, right Scotty Ballz? By the way, in case you were wondering, it looks like Al Davis is rolling with the Empire.