Being that I’ve lived in and around Cincinnati my whole life and will likely continue to do so until my untimely death at the hands of an angry 6’6” albino man wearing a bubble coat and carrying a tire iron (information obtained from a psychic I keep on retainer), there are some things I never thought I’d never say to any of my fellow neighbors. Phrases such as “Wanna pack a lunch and go watch the yacht races?”, or “I’ll catch the subway train and meet you at the Reds game”, or “You know, you’d better get tickets ahead of time, I heard that the Freedom Center’s exhibit is almost sold out”, and of course, “Hey, how’d your house hold up during the hurricane?”. Well, one down, three to go.
Hurricane Ike slapped the Queen City like she was Tina Turner circa 1972. No power, no phones, no motorcars, not a single lux-ur-y. Like David Caruso, baby. Er, Robinson Crusoe, whatever. It was the worst ten hours of my life. We nearly lost $50 worth of milk, waffles and frozen dinners and was forced to play board games and interact with each other. A lot. All I can say is that I’m glad it’s over and I think I’m a better, stronger person for it. Special thanks have to go out to my neighbor Jeff the Cop who let me borrow some bags of rock to hold down my daughter’s play set and to my neighbor Todd the Unfortunate who’s awesome swingset canopy performed like a kickass sail, sending the set end over end, into his fence, landing in a mangled heap, and giving us all a good laugh.
And the best part of the hurricane? It kept me from witnessing the early death of the Bengals version 2.008. Speaking of which, for those of you who have power and are lucky enough to be logged on and reading this right now, here are the Week 3 Matchups….
Chiefs at Falcons-
This week, the role of “Chiefs Quarterback” will be played by Tyler Thigpen. Also, the role of “Suicidal Fan Base” will be played by the good people of Kansas City.
Raiders at Bills-
Al Davis wants Lane Kiffin to quit so he can be rid of him and not have to pay him. Kiffin wants to be fired so he can leave and keep getting paid. Don’t know how it’s gonna play out but by the looks of this picture, it will likely involve the need to remove bloodstains.
Bucs at Bears-
Brian Griese! Kyle Orton! This Sunday, on FOX!!!
Panthers at Vikings-
Call me crazy but I think the Panthers just might be…. Oh God- Swedish Fish!.....Mmmmm, I pop one of these babies in my mouth and I get lost in the sweet rush of cherry goodness every time….. Dang, now where was I? Oh yeah, call me crazy but the Panthers just might be this year’s….. Oh heavenly father, are those Sno Caps?!
Bengals at Giants-
I don’t care who does it but either Marvin, Carson, or TJ had better step up and sell their soul to the devil ASAP.
Dolphins at Patriots-
It must really suck to know that your starting quarterback is worse than your rival’s backup quarterback. Seriously, the Fish have been trying to find a capable signal caller since Marino left in what, 1999? At this rate I don’t know which to expect first, a quality QB in Miami or the release of Chinese
Democracy.
Uh, and is it just me, or does Axl Rose now look like the guy who begs for money outside the Reds games with the sign that reads “Why Lie, I Want Beer”?
Texans at Titans-
New Oilers versus old Oilers. Speaking of oilers, have you caught any of that tv show about teams of illiterate, mouth-breathing oil riggers?
Are people’s jobs really that interesting that we need such tv shows about them? If your job is “vice cop”, “adult entertainer”, or “governor of Alaska” then, okay. But we’ve got reality shows about landscapers, house flippers, cake designers, oil riggers, truckers, tattoo artists…. What’s next, sewer workers?
I guess that would be a “yes”.
Browns at Ravens-
I view this game like I would a cage match between Bill O’Reilly and Keith Olbermann. I don’t give a shit who wins, just as long as they both incur injuries which leave them visibly scarred, with embarrassing speech impediments, incontinence, and the inability to produce and erection.
Cardinals at Redskins-
I shall watch the Redskins versus Redbirds in the same manor and tradition by which I have for the past ten years: Drinking a case of Red Stripe whilst in the company of the well-preserved bodies of Redd Foxx , Red Auerbach, and Red Buttons. I’ll pretend that Redd Foxx calls the Redskins coach a big dummy, then he and Auerbach get into it and Buttons tries to cool the emotions by squirting water out of the flower on his lapel. Then I load ‘em all into the SUV and head out for a sauna, a steak dinner, and the random assaulting of some street hookers.
Saints at Broncos-
Forget the terrible call on the fumble/non-fumble by Jay Cutler last week. The real story was Mike Shannihan. Not only does dude have oversized dentures but we now know he’s got oversized balls, too. Damn that took stones, going for two with time expired. Make it and you beat the reigning division champs, miss it and you lose a heartbreaker. If I was an NFL head coach, I’d do the same thing. Hell, I’d go for two every time. And go for every fourth down. Fourth and twelve on our own twenty? Fuck you, we’re going for it. Punts are for pussies. Field goals are for faggots. No guts, no glory, bitches!
Lions at Niners-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!
Rams at Seahawks-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour continues without the Seahawks top four (that’s right, top FOUR) wide receivers. …And the Seahawks are still favored by ten points! God the Rams are awful. They stink like Mama Squintz’ panties after a full night of raving, followed by a 4am Crave Case feasting at White Castle.
Jaguars at Colts-
I hate to say this because of Johnny B’s man crush on Jack of the River but….the Jags might be D-O-N-E. They’re on the verge of 0-3.
It’s like getting gored by a bull. You just don’t come back from something like that.
Steelers at Eagles-
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia returns tonight!
Here’s a taste….
Cowboys at Packers-
The ‘Boys are loaded. Romo’s arguably the best quarterback in the league right now. T.O.’s arguably the best big-game receiver. Their defense is big, fast, and stifling. But none of those are the reason that they’ll likely make their triumphant return to the Super Bowl this year. The reason? Marion Barber.
Dude is a violent beast. He runs looking for people to destroy and hits ‘em like they just stole his hot bucket of fried chicken. (Ooh, was that racist? I don’t want to come off as racist. Maybe I should change it from “fried chicken” to “lunch money”.) I mean, the hits guys like they just stole his lunch money. Seriously, that’s one tough fuckin’ negro.
Monday Night
Jets at Chargers-
And finally, the first Palooza Cheerleader Posedown of 2008!
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