So like I was saying, our baby girl is a wee bit fussy. Combine that with a shitload of bullshit at work and trying to finish my independent study on the effects of empty compliments & white wine on the sexual habits of forty year-old divorced women, and I’ve got very little time for blogging nowadays. But I have found time for…wait a minute, did I just type “shitload of bullshit”? Shouldn’t that be “shit ton of bullshit”, or “barrel of bullshit, or “load of bullshit”, or “big chunk of poopie”? Feel free to vote on it. Anyway, and speaking of voting, one thing that I have found time for is the ongoing presidential election coverage. More specifically, the ongoing vice presidential election coverage. I don’t know what it is, maybe the way she dons her glasses, or the way she pouts her lips, or maybe I’m amazed at the way she loves me all the time, …..maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need her.
Baby, i'm a man,
and maybe you're the only woman who could ever help me.
Baby, won't you help me to understand?
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
Um, er whatever. Whatever it is, I’m clearly obsessed with Governor Palin. And I’m not alone. Here are the excerpts from the latest string of emails between me and everyone’s favorite fiscally conservative, socially libertarian, and devout meatatarian, Johnny B.
From:
“Kevin Smith”
To:
“John Bowman"
Johnny,
Here's the updated sheet. Not much else to say other than I turned 39 today, I have a bad head cold, I have to go back to work tomorrow, and the Bengals suck. Given all that, I was contemplating a long walk off of a short pier......until I received a phone message from Sarah Palin. She's invited me to the rally tomorrow at the Golden Lamb in Lebanon. Honestly, I didn't think she'd return my phone calls but I obviously got to her. Don't know if it was my rendition of Sara Smile that I sang onto her voicemail or the fingerpainting I sent her of the two of us making love on an igloo, but somehow I guess I touched her heart. Well, I'm off to find something to wear. I'm thinking shirt, tie, dockers, silk boxers, and a half a bottle of Axe. Wish me luck!
From:
"John Bowman"
To:
"Kevin Smith"
Hey! Happy Birthday!
I hate to tell you this but Sarah and Little Johnny melted that igloo Saturday night. We finished in a pool of slushy sweat surrounded by a tribe of eskimos ( ice Arabs, she calls them... she's so cute) and a walrus named Koo Koo Kachoo. She fogged my glasses. I fogged hers. We fogged each other all night long. I am now a big fan of off shore drilling.
btw... the good guys are up by plus two in the polls.
Administrator of the Palin Interior (that's what she calls me... she's so cute)
There would’ve been more but Mama Squintz saw what I was typing, got slightly jealous, spit out her Skoal and skulled me with her half empty bottle of Wiedeman. I woke up three hours later tied to the bed, red ball gag in my mouth (as usual) and Mama S. passed out next to me with her lit cigarette slowly burning another hole into her terrycloth bathrobe. And because of all that, I missed the rally at the Golden Lamb. I’m hoping to catch up with her Governess next week at a diner in western Pennsylvania that’s frequented by coal miners. I figure next to those guys I’ll seem clean & fresh, and literate. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll try to woo her by showing up further down the campaign trail with flowers, candy, and the cold, rotting head of Keith Olbermann on a stick. Wish me luck.
Now, on with the matchups….
Packers at Lions-
Don’t miss the unveiling of the first “FIRE MATT MILLEN” banner at Ford Field for 2008. ETA on the banner is sometime early in the fourth quarter.
Giants at Rams-
Quick, what’s the name of the Rams head coach?
If you guessed "Who Gives a Fuck", you’re right! The judges say we can also accept the answers "Fuckface McGee" and "Scott Lenihan".
Saints at Redskins-
If Reggie Bush can penetrate his girlfriend’s big ol’ badonkadonk, then the Redskins D-Line should be mere childs play.
Bills at Jaguars-
Check out some of Buffalo’s finest. I’ve watched this five times and still can’t figure out if they’re outside Ralph Wilson Stadium or outside a small village in Vietnam. You make the call…
Titans at Bengals-
Rumor has it that injured (and worthless) Titans quarterback Vince Young was distraught after being booed by the home fans last week, so much so that friends and teammates fear that he may be suicidal. Here’s a tip to the suicide hotline operators in the Nashville area: If Vince happens to call in on your shift, remind him that things could be worse. Tell him he should be thankful that he’s rich, he’s talented, and most of all, that he doesn’t play for the Bengals.
Raiders at Chiefs-
I think it’s safe to say that the loser of this game can start having its’ front office and scouting departments begin working on the 2009 draft. It’s also safe to say that my balls itch right now. Damn, it feels like a friggin’ mosquito bit my sack. Oh no, wait, that’s just a couple of Mama Squintz’ crabs coming over to say Hi. What up fellas?!
Colts at Vikings-
“The 0-2 Indianapolis Colts “. Kinda has a nice ring to it, huh? On the bright side, Peyton can now concentrate more of his energy on eating Oreos with his dimwitted brother.
And while I'm on the topic, could someone please tell the marketing geniuses at Nabisco that we don’t need to see the Manning brothers trash talking with the Williams sisters. If they want to sell me their cookies, it's a simple recipe- just give me a thirty second closeup of Serena Williams licking the filling out of a Double Stuffed Oreo and placing the remaining saliva-soaked cookies on as pasties.
O-R-E-Oh my God!
Bears at Panthers-
Jake Delhomme apparently exposed his ass on national television.
In a related story, I saw a dead skunk on the side of the road and vomited on myself.
Falcons at Bucs-
The Super Ginger Kid Matt Ryan won his first start last week against the Lions and newly acquired tailback Michael Turner ran wild like a wildebeest hopped-up on greenies. This week, they may very well repeat their performances. But if they do, I won’t notice. I’ll be on the sidelines trying to get arrested….
Niners at Seahawks-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Chargers at Broncos-
Shane Merriman is out for the season, Lorenzo Neal is ram blocking in Baltimore, Michael Turner is tearing it up in Atlanta, and the Chargers are staring at a possible 0-2 start. I’ve got three words for Phillip Rivers.
Karma baby, …karma.
Patriots at Jets-
Don’t know about you but when I heard that Tom Brady went down with a season-ending knee injury, I was washed over with the same feeling I had when the Berlin wall was torn down. ….Good times.
Dolphins at Cardinals-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Ravens at Texans-
With Hurricane Ike expected to hit on Saturday and a rainfall of biblical proportions heading towards H-Town, it’s a good thing the Texans have a roof on that new stadium. I think it’s safe to say that the roof is going to prevent the early rusting of approximately 7,250 lbs of belt buckles this weekend.
Steelers at Browns-
I’m calling it early…. The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour is now underway!
Monday Night
Eagles at Cowboys-
Doc, Isaac, Gopher….and the cheerleaders.
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