Normally, the first post of the season around here begins with an exceedingly long manifesto offering my take on just about everything in the world of sports and pop culture that’s happened since the Super Bowl. Well, not this season. I will spare you the manifesto and simply offer a couple words on the people, places and things that have been on my mind lately. Namely, Barack Obama, Britney, Big Brother 10, the Chinese female gymnastics team, Michael Phelps, The Banks Project, Mike Tirico, Sarah Palin, MSNBC, Wendy’s new fish sandwich, Jessica Biel, and Mama Squint'z new edible undies (hot air, hot mess, Keesha is HOT, tiny little unics, elephant man meets aquaman, still nothing?!, a grown-up Erkel, our first VPilf?, lost all credibility, hella tasty, hella tasty, and hella tasty).
Nope, no long drawn-out diatribe subjecting you to my view of the world. This season, most of the weekly posts will be much more brief than you’ve all come to expect. I know, “Thank God”, right? Well actually, it’s more like “Thank Julia”. Julia Louise (insert your Seinfeld joke here) Smith is our beautiful 19-day old baby girl whose addition to our home has caused me to adopt the sleeping habits of a Def Leppard roadie circa 1989.
Of course, I’ve been through this before and should’ve seen it coming. After all, we went through this with our other daughter five years ago. But I guess you can forget a lot in five years and of the things I’d somehow forgotten were the daily rituals of a newborn. More specifically, I forgot that they need to hit a bottle every three hours and in between the bottles they simply sleep, cry, puke on themselves, and crap their drawers. Basically, they’re like miniature Amy Winehouses. Right now, our little Amy Winehouse is sleeping so I’ve got a small window of opportunity to crank out this post. You might say we’re in the eye of Hurricane Julia. You also might say that given the impending arrival of Hurricane Gustav that last line was ill-timed and in poor taste, to which I say, uh, have we not met? So before the winds pick up, whaddya say we hit the Week One matchups and get this sumbitch started….
Thursday Night
Redskins at Giants-
As God is my witness, I still can’t believe Eli Manning won a Super Bowl. It isn’t often that a slack-jawed “aw shucks” dipshit heaves a prayer to a fourth string wide receiver who manages to pull it in against his helmet while crashing backwards to the ground. I swear that if you rewind the tape of that play, you can see a leprechaun riding a unicorn along the sidelines and Bigfoot drinking Gatorade with Mothman, the Easter Bunny and El Chupcabra.
Sunday
Seahawks at Bills-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour kicks off in Buffalo, NY. How do you think The Walrus likes his wings? I’m guessing he likes them by the bucket , doused in habanero sauce and tossed to him like the trainers toss minnows at Sea World.
Texans at Steelers-
Rumor has it that the Rooney family is going to sell the Steelers. If that’s true, I’d like to broker a deal for my client, Shake Ali Ali Oxenfree, to purchase the team, move them to Dubai and rename them the Dubai Brothers. Ben Rothlisberger and Hines Ward will be sold into slavery and replaced by the Shake’s eldest sons, Mujibar and Mareesh. This should be a no-brainer. I’m texting the commish immediately.
Bucs at Saints-
Due to inclement weather (and the second death blow to the Gomorrah on the Delta), this game may be played in Tampa instead. Or Baton Rouge, or Birmingham, or San Antonio. Hell, why not move the game to Dubai, give the locals a taste of what’s coming.
Lions at Falcons-
Congrats to the Falcons for picking a ginger kid #1 overall in last April’s draft.
And congratulations to the Lions for inexplicably keeping Matt Millen around as GM and depriving their fan base of all hope for yet another season. Between the depressed auto industry and the ineptitude of the Lions, I honestly don’t know how that city hasn’t managed to organize a mass suicide. Is it just poor planning? Seriously, somebody needs to step up and coordinate the effort. These things don’t just happen by themselves, people.
Rams at Eagles-
I’ve got some extremely saddening news to report: Chunky Soups has decided to scrap the “football players mothers” theme and go in a different direction with their latest ad campaign. That’s right, no more Mama McNabb and her sweet ebony love pillows serving up piping hot clam chowder any more. Fucking bullshit. With the restraining order still in effect, having her on my television was the only way for me to get close to her. I guess now I’ll be forced to proceed with Plan C- disguise Johnny B as a satellite repair man and have him install a hidden camera in her shower head. I’ll post still shots as soon as they become available.
Jaguars at Titans-
Nothing says The NFL like guys wearing teal tackling guys in powder blue. Seriously, I half-expect that transgendered mess, Cojo from Entertainment Tonight, to be on the sidelines giving a fashion report right after Joan Rivers interviews Vince Young in the tunnel and asks him who he’s wearing.
Jets at Dolphins-
Jet Favre and the Jets versus Chad Pennington and the Dolphins. As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold. Unfortunately for Pennington, it’s gonna be like 95 degrees in Miami and he’s an absolutely terrible cook. On the bright side however, the Dolphins cheerleaders are still a scorching hot collection of bimbos. Check it out….
Bengals at Ravens-
Chad Ocho Cinco.
He legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. Why not Chad Needs Attention? Or Hey Look at Me? Maybe, Yoo Hoo Over Here. I don’t know if he’s a complete idiot or an evil genius, but I do know this- If I were Mike Brown, I’d immediately retire Isaac Curtis’ number (85) and assign a new one to Chad.
“Hey Chad, we’re gonna finally retire Isaac Curtis’ number and, well, we're gonna have to give you a different one. Here’s #22. Sorry, I know it’s probably a drag, what with your recent name change and all, but you’re more than welcome to change your name to Chad Dos Dos if you want. Talk to you later.”
Chiefs at Patriots-
A good, tough early season test for the Patriots……will come in a couple more weeks.
Cardinals at Niners-
Matt Leinart and Alex Smith will hold clipboards and watch Kurt Warner and JT O’Sullivan sling it around Monster Park this Sunday. Their scouting departments (and their mothers) must be so proud. Reminds me of a few years back when a co-worker of mine bought a brand new Mitsubishi Eclipse. Turned out to be a hunk of shit that kept breaking down so he was forced to drive his twelve year-old Civic to work all the time. This is exactly why people should read Consumer Reports before a major purchase. And it's also why there should be a Consumer Reports edition for football players.
Panthers at Chargers-
This matchup is of course set to take place in San Diego. You know what else was set in San Diego? Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. And rumor has it that a sequel to that movie is currently in the works. Rumor also has it that two of the stars from the original will not be in the sequel. Tits McGee's titties. You know, because of her mastectomy?
WHOA, ZING! POW! He did NOT just go there! Oh yes, he did! WHOOO! You know, at first I wasn’t going to type it but then I just said “Fuck it” and went for it. And I gotta say, it’s Ex-Zillerating! MAN! Don’t get me wrong, I like Christina Applegate, have had a crush on her since Married With Children, so I mean no disrespect. As a matter of fact, as soon as I hear she’s gotten her new implants, I’m SOOO gonna’ ask my wife if I can dial her up.
Cowboys at Browns-
Everybody picking the Browns to make a run at the Super Bowl realizes that they had the 32nd ranked defense in the league last year, right? That’s 32 out of 32. Sure, they added a couple of big defensive tackles (Shaun Rogers, Corey Williams) but they also traded their only quality cornerback (Leigh Bodden). Mark my words, they’re gonna be easier to score on than a Rock of Love girl on a one-on-one date.
Bears at Colts-
Kyle Orton wins the starting QB job in Chicago over Rex Grossman. For Lovie Smith, that’s kinda like taking your cousin to the prom instead of your sister, right? I mean, it’s gonna be embarrassing to show up with either of them, you’re not gonna score with either one of ‘em, but at least there’s a chance your cousin might not tell on you for snorting blow in the back of the limo.
Monday Night
Vikings at Packers-
Time for our first weekly quiz of the season:
Now that Favre has left Cheeseburg, who will the young ladies of Wisconsin turn to as the subject of their moist desires?
A) Aaron Rodgers
B) AJ Hawk
C) Ryan Braun
D) Johnny B
E) All of the above naked, smearing each other with butter
Answer: E) minus D)
Broncos at Raiders-
Ahh, the first Monday night of the season is spent in the Black Hole. Smells like cocoa butter, right Scotty Ballz? By the way, in case you were wondering, it looks like Al Davis is rolling with the Empire.
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