Waiting on a chicken bowl, Farewell Tours, Staph Infections, Cloris Leachman, the Wheelbarrow, the FUPA, and a freaky albino

So anyway, I’m excited. I know that getting excited over a new chicken bowl recipe from Popeye’s may make some of you say that I need to reassess my priorities but I promise you, my priorities are in check. I’m taking care of business, taking care of my jobs around the house, spending time with the kids, putting in time volunteering in the parish, and keeping myself more than adequately informed on the impending election. But that being the case, I still can’t help myself. In the now fifteen hours or so since viewing that Popeye’s commercial last night, my waking thoughts have been dominated by getting my hands on one of those fucking chicken bowls. Louisiana-style chicken, red beans, rice, melted cheese,……uh….I’d better stop before I need to call for a towel.

Any minute now, it will arrive. Thanks to one of my loyal employees making the lunch run, it will arrive alongside an ice cold Coke at any moment. I can’t ev- Wait, the door’s opening…..nevermind, not her….. Damn, I’ve got to get a grip here. It’s just that I REALLY want to eat one. I can honestly say that if they made ‘em large enough, I’d order one the size of an above-ground pool and swim around in it. I can’t rationally explain the desire here but seriously, nothing could keep me from devouring one today. You could make me sit through a live taping of The View, followed by an uncomfortable three-way with Bill Maher & Al Franken and I’d do it if I had to do it to get one. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t make it through the live taping but I’d at least try. Oh good God man, get control of yourself! Here, I’ll turn on the radio for a distraction….

Rush Limbaugh. Nice. A little politics, get riled-up over the Drive-bys and the Obamamedia. Yeah, he is a socialist. Yeah, higher taxes won’t work. Exactly! Who wants a repeat of the Carter years? Not me. That’s right, preach it, Rush. Preach it with that deep, rich voice of yours. That full, resonating, commanding voice, a touch gravely with a little extra saliva and a touch of nasal blockage. Reminds me of a thick-bodied rural attorney, talking issues at the state fair. The smell of fresh buttered corn and fresh baked pies filling the air, children carrying hot caramel apples, smoke wafting up out of a generous supply of outdoor barbecue pits, Daisy Mae in her sun dress eating a corndog and twirling her long, brown hair in her fingers. GOOD LORD, WHERE IS THAT CHICKEN BOWL!?!

I’ve got to get control. Here, I’ll slap myself in the face, clear my head. SMACK!
Uh, didn’t work. Now I’m just hungry and mad. Whoooo. Maybe an Altoid will curb the desire. Oooh. Fresh, clean, curiously strong. Hey whaddya know, the tin is right. Well, my mouth is preoccupied but my stomach is still making noises. Maybe I’ll--- ooh, the phone. It’s my direct line……It’s a client……her CDs maturing and she wants the current interest rates…….says she wants to put some of the money in the market but her husband is chicken……………WHERE IS THAT FUCKING BOWL?!?! I NEED THAT TENDER CHICKEN, HEARTY RED BEANS, RICE, CHEESE AND SWEET-ASS SOUR CREAM RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! ……No, Mrs. Callahan, I was talking to someone else……I thought I’d put the phone on mute……What’s that? Come over for dinner? No, thank you but …..That’s very nice of you but I really shouldn’t…… Oh, I gotta go!

IT’S HERE!!!!!!!!!


….(8 minutes later)

THAT WAS…..not really worth all the build-up. I mean, it was definitely good but certainly not earth-shattering. Maybe I ate it too fast. You’re supposed to savor your food, right? Yeah, I was just kinda feverishly shoveling and swallowing. I should probably try another one and take my time with it. Yep, definitely deserves another shot. I’ll see if I can talk Governor Palin into going to Popeye’s for dinner tonight. We’re going on a double date with Joe the Plumber and some high school chick he met while repairing her mom’s pipes last week.
I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Now, on with the matchups……



Saturday

Florida v Georgia in Jacksonville-
Pigskin Palooza is proud to again be a sponsor of the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. We’ll have a booth set up in the northeast corner of Lot C, handing out complimentary glow-in-the-dark condoms and selling raffle tickets to win a Barack Obama autographed copy of his favorite book.






Texas at Texas Tech-
Longhorns at Red Raiders. Red Raiders, wasn’t that the name of the group with the song Lunatic Fringe? You know, that song from Vision Quest. Madonna, guys in wrestling tights, Matthew Modine wrestling shirtless & sweaty by himself in the dark- quite possibly the gayest 80’s movie moment this side of the volleyball scene in Top Gun….. No? Oh, Red Rider. That’s right. Nevermind.



Sunday

Jets at Bills-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!



Lions at Bears-
The Rod Marinelli Farewell Tour heads to Chicago!



Jaguars at Bengals-
The Marvin Lewis “I’ve Got Two Years Left on My Contract and Therefore Won’t Be Fired by Our Cheapass Owner” Tour heads back home to Cincinnati!



Buccaneers at Chiefs-
How are the Chiefs not sitting in the crap patch with the Lions and the Bengals? In seven games, they’ve been outscored 193 – 99 and have been wheeling out the likes of Tyler Thigpen, Brody Croyle and Ingle Martin at quarterback. Seriously, how do they have a win? It’s a mysterious accomplishment, right up there with Easter Island, the Great Pyramids, and how Hee Haw lasted for 25 seasons.






Ravens at Browns-
Kellen Winslow was fined & suspended last week by the Browns for insinuating that his staph infection and the staph infections of several teammates was the result of something amiss at Browns Stadium. Ya think?
You know, I had an infection in my staph once but I was man enough to admit that it may have been because I hadn’t properly pre-screened my bevy of big breasted Asian pleasure providers.






Texans at Vikings-
How has the Vikings marketing department not yet hired Flava Flav? He could rap the National Anthem, run out to retrieve the kickoff tees, mess with the cheerleaders, supply the team with some natural “vitamins”. It’s an absolute no-brainer.






Cardinals at Rams-
Ahhh, what would an NFL season be without a mid-season battle for supremacy in the NFC West by two mediocre teams? It’s really quite comforting, a sort of subtle reminder that all’s still okay with the world. Kinda like watching an old lady narrowly avoid breaking a hip on national television.






Packers at Titans-
This game just has “solid” written all over it. Both teams with solid offensive lines. Both teams with solid defensive lines. Both teams with solid coaching staffs and solid, if not flashy quarterbacks. Just….solid. If this game were a car, it’d be a Volvo.




If it was a candy bar, it’d be a Chunky.




And if it were a sexual position, it’d be The Wheelbarrow







Dolphins at Broncos-
It's Cheerleader Pose Down Time!!!













Cowboys at Giants-
Anybody else get the feeling Jerry Jones has already been out shopping for Wade Phillip’s going away present? Maybe something to accentuate his FUPA. What’s that? You don’t know what a FUPA is? Well, let me take a moment to educate you….






Falcons at Raiders-
What do you think Al Davis dresses up as on Halloween? The obvious answer is that he could go as any number of vile, heinous, horrifying creatures without donning a mask of any kind. The not-so-obvious answer is “Stormtrooper”. I bet he goes as a stormtrooper. And yes, this is merely a lame attempt to segue into some more kickass random stormtrooper pics….
















Eagles at Seahawks-
Quick, try to name two players on the Seahawks besides Matt Hasselbeck.
Quick, name two of the actresses on Desperate Housewives.
Quick, name two of the original members of the Bee Gees.

Damn, you are so gay.




Patriots at Colts-
With no Tom Brady and Peyton Manning not looking like Peyton Manning, there’s really just one question here- Who else is creeped the fuck out by that guy on the Sharp commercials? What is he, some kind of albino astrophysicist? Or, is he from a neighboring galaxy, here to harvest our organs and take them to some kind of interplanetary soup kitchen to feed the less-fortunate Democratic swing voters on his home planet? It’s like Edgar Winter mated with one of the Stepford Wives. Unless they’re trying to appeal to albino tekkies with a strange penchant for below-grade electronic brands I don’t know how this can possibly be good for Sharp.






Monday Night

Steelers at Redskins-
Look out Skins defense. He's still on the loose....

Stormtroopers, Michael Jackson, Jim Caviezel, Spaghetti O's, Ruphenol Tea, Philly Phans, Gooky-Spooky and an ass kicking from Samurai Mike

The NFL is heading across the pond again. Yep, the Saints and the Chargers are the lucky lambs this season, chosen to play in front of a semi-curious, totally ambivalent, mostly pasty white crowd at Wembley Stadium in London this Sunday. I still don't get why the fuck they do this. Are they really looking to set up shop in Europe? Are they looking down the line for AFC & NFC East, West, North, South, and Europe divisions? I can see how the overwhelming success of NFL Europe would get their hopes up. I mean, who can forget the uproar and mass hysteria caused by the Frankfurt Galaxy, the London Monarchs, the Barcelona Dragons, and the Brussels Beefenshtorkers.
(Okay, so I embellished that last one. The Beefenshtorkers were in Munich, not Brussels. Brussels just seemed to flow better. I like aliteration. And making shit up.)

Anyway, whatever, if Goodell wants to whore out one game out of 256, that's up to him. London, Mexico City, Toronto, it's an all-expense paid roadie for him. Make a little extra cash, open a few merchandising doors, it's cool. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of taking Pigskin Palooza international. That's right, I'm currently in talks with groups in Nigeria and the Phllippines to start up leagues next season. The Nigerians have already sent me their money. All of it. Actually, they sent me too much. I told 'em it was too much and they said to just open a bank account, deposit the checks, then wire the overage back to them. How cool is that?! Johnny B says it's a scam but what the fuck does he know. I'm the banker here. I think I'd know a money scam when I'd see one.

And the Phillipinos are awesome, too. Apparently, if I agree to forward some packages for them, they'll donate all their winnings to the charity of my choice. No fucking lie. They send me packages to a PO Box, I match the code name on the return address line to an address in an email sent the same day, forward the package to that address, and that's it. Oh, and keep the packages far from open flames and police dogs. Whatever. All I know is, I'm going global, fuckers. Speaking of which, I gotta' hurry up with this. There's an email in my inbox from a dude in Calgary notifying me that I won some lottery. I don't even remember playing the Canadian Lottery. How awesome is that?! Let me answer that for myself- It's way awesome. That's right, while you donkeys are twiddling your dicks down here in the states, I'm cashing in international-style.

Now, on with the matchups....



Saturday

UC at UConn-
UConn’s down to their second quarterback, UC’s down to their, what, fifth? Good thing this game’s being played in Hartford. You know, cause of the insurance. There are a lot of insurance companies there. Because of the quarterbacks. You know, they’ll need insurance. Oh forget it.



Penn State at Ohio State-
Joe Pa hasn’t won in Columbus since 1978. Coincidentally, that was also the same year of his last solid bowel movement.



Sunday

Raiders at Ravens-
Over the past few years, the Raiders have become the stormtroopers of the NFL. They’ve got a crazy, whacked-out leader with a face made to be hidden inside a helmet. They’ve got a great mystique and an ominous home field. And they look totally badass in their uniforms. Yet, they’re often easily neutralized by just a couple of jerkoffs and a wookie. This week, the jerkoffs will be portrayed by Joe Flacco and Le’Ron McClain while Ray Lewis will play the role of Wookie.












I had no idea there were so many fucking awesome stormtrooper pics out there. Seriously, I could've posted about fifty of them. More to come in the following weeks.





Cardinals at Panthers-
The NFC West is so horribly awful that the Cardinals are on the fast-track to the playoffs. They’re a shoe-in. There’s almost no way possible that even the Cardinals could screw this up for themselves. I mean, they’d have to literally shoot themselves in the foot. Literally. Like pick up a gun and shoot-…..Guys, I was speaking metaphorically. Anquan, Anquan, put down the gun. Put it DOWN. Put- …Thank you. Jeesh. Why….I mean, how does that even make sense. I was talking about what not to do. Really. Really? You’re in first place acting like this? Really? Anquan, I see you. Anquan! POW!!!
Fantastic. Would somebody please go get some gauze?




Buccaneers at Cowboys-
It’s Hot Significant Other Posedown Time!!!

















Redskins at Lions-
The Lions have been outscored 54-0 in the first quarter this season and have trailed 21-0 in three of their six games. I believe I’m safe in saying that they play from behind more than Michael Jackson at a Wonderland sleepover. Zing!




Bills at Dolphins-
Something tells me that when the Fish run the ol’ direct snap to the tailback play, the Bills defense won’t drop a brick in the toilet like the Patriots did a few weeks ago. Something also tells me that my Spaghetti-O’s are done- the microwave’s beeping! Mmmmm, pasta rings and mystery meatballs in orangey tomato-ey sauce. Be back in a few minutes. Watch this while I’m gone….






Rams at Patriots-
Good Lord, how awful was Scott Linehan? The Goats fire him and all of a sudden they go from turd lickers to ass kickers. On the plus side for Linehan, his wife is the sister-in-law of actor Jim Caviezel. He was Christ in The Passion of the Christ. That’s gotta make for some creepy Easter get-togethers, huh?

(Special thanks to Wikipedia for the assist on this one. “Wikipedia, the official reference source of MSNBC.”)




Chargers v Saints in London-
Good day, Gov’na. Hows about some fish & chips with your pigskin? Blimey, would you look at those Charger cheer girls! I believe my knickers have developed a new wrinkle or two. Fellas, settle down, settle down. Mind your P’s and Q’s whilst I try my hand at wooing that redheaded one with some fresh crumpets and a hearty cup of my signature ruphenol tea.







Chiefs at Jets-
Things are so bad at quarterback for KC that they’re apparently considering signing Duante Culpepper. Not a terrible idea. He stinks but he’s probably better than their alternatives (Brody Croyle, Damon Huard, Ingle Martin). The bigger question however, is when are they going to get rid of their GM, Carl Petersen? Dude hasn’t put together a team to win a playoff game since ’92. Where else is that even remotely acceptable. Seriously, I mean who else can remain as a GM for so long without at least- Oh hey, Mike Brown, how ya’ doni’?.... Me?.... Good, we’ve got a new baby at home….What?....Oh, a girl…. Yep, girl number two….Thanks….Yeah, you too. See you later……Say Hi to Pumpkin and the family for me….
Um, where was I?



Falcons at Eagles-
What a day it’s gonna’ be for Philly fans this Sunday- An afternoon at the Linc watching the Iggles, washing down cheesesteaks with bottles of Yuengling, then chucking those bottles at people wearing Falcons jerseys. Next, after posting bail and a nice, healthy vomiting session, an evening at CBP to catch the fightin’ Phils take on the Bay-Rays. And finally, depending on the outcome of those contests, either a) joining an angry mob in looting, setting fires, and overturning cop cars, or b) joining a happy mob in looting, setting fires, and overturning cop cars.





Browns at Jaguars-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to Jacksonville!



Bengals at Texans-
The Texans sit at 1-4 and are favored by ten points.
Ten. Points.
Mike Brown is the fucking antichrist.



Giants at Steelers-
Warning to the members of the Giants defense:
There is a 6’0” 200lb gooky-spooky wide receiver on the loose. He is well-skilled in the art of the blindside cheap shot. Keep him in front of you at all times and wear a tinted face shield as he has also been known to temporarily blind opponents by flashing his huge goody-spooky teeth.






Seahawks at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them strai--- Oh hey, Mike Singletary. How are you, sir? No, nothing going on here. This? Oh, this is just a blog, it’s noth--- Uh, yeah, Pigskin Palooza. How did you --- You’ve read it before. Well, I can explain. You see-- What? Uh, yes, I guess I do like this kind of party, too….. Um, why are you locking the door?.... Now, let’s not do anything rash….Oh God, Oh God! (pee running down my leg, sounds of human bones cracking….)



Monday Night

Colts at Titans-
I’m Samurai Mike, I stop ‘em cold.
New coach of the Niners, big and bold,
I’ve been jammin’ for quite a while,
Doin’ what’s right and settin’ the style,
Took my chance, I rocked Smitty good,
No more messin’ in my neighborhood.
Now it’s my time to post on this stupid ass site,
I like the Colts to shock the Titans on Monday night.
But I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble,
I just came to do the Super Bowl Shuffle!

Alliances, veggie burritos, Wet Dreaming of Jodie, Fitzy, Lindsay, Snickers, Lucky Charms, and Mama Squintz' honey pot

There’s a lot of talk about alliances nowadays. Alliances of people seeking political office, alliances of nations seeking a specific common goal, and of course, alliances between contestants on reality-challenge themed television programs. Sure, deciding on whether or not to allow Uzbekistan into the NATO alliance or figuring out if Barack Obama has a long-standing alliance with Bill Ayers are a bit more important than whether Megan leaves the Pumpkin-Toastie-Britney S. alliance to join the Whiteboy-Hoopz-Real alliance on I Love Money, but at the core, they’re really no different. In today’s world, it’s not so much who your friends are but who you’re aligned with. And it’s not so much about having someone else’s back but more about making sure that someone has yours.

Being in an alliance doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with everything your fellow alliance members say or do, or think. But it does mean that you’re willing to risk guilt-by-association in order to further your own cause. Your own cause. That’s right, no one really fights together anymore, do they? It’s all about what you need and who can best help you get what you need. And to get that assistance, we make some empty promises and fulfill them as well as possible until fulfilling them starts to detract ever so slightly from our own objective. That's when we pull the knife from the sheath, hide it behind our back, and yell to our alliance members, "Hey, look over there!" Of course not everyone’s like this, there are still honest, true to their words people around. These people are commonly referred to as Losers.

It didn’t used to be this way, did it? This isn’t how we were raised. Ben Cartwright and his boys kept their word on the Ponderosa no matter the trouble it created for them. And if memory serves correctly, Bo & Luke Duke spent a few unnecessary nights in the Hazard County Jail in order to keep their word. Even the 1970’s Brady kids didn’t act this way, did they? Well, maybe Marsha. Yeah, definitely Marsha. But overall the point still holds.

It used to be that a man’s word was all he had. Honor and loyalty were admired and those who went without in order to keep a promise were revered. Now they’re mocked. I’m guilty of it. I’ve mocked these people. I’ve been known to watch a reality show and yell things like “You idiot, this was your chance to back-door that guy”, or “Hey stupid, she’s got the immunity idol, you better double-cross her now, dumbass!” Knowing how to use people and precisely when to kick them aside has become an art form in our society. Better yet, it can get you paid. Well-paid. Even get you great poll numbers.

John McCain bears the wounds from loyalty to his country and his fellow soldiers. Aside from not being able to ever reach for anything on the top shelf ever again, aside from never being able to toss ball with his kids or grandkids, aside from dealing with the daily pain associated with those injuries, McCain, among other things, cannot use a keyboard like I’m doing right now. Barack Obama’s camp unleashed an ad mocking McCain’s poor computer skills, painting him as feeble and out of touch. When the Obama camp was called on the carpet for the ad, Biden, not Obama, apologized for the “mistake” without actually taking any responsibility and yet all was forgiven. Not once however, did the mainstream media use it as an opportunity to remind anyone of McCain’s character or devotion to country. Instead, the focus was on Biden’s character being confirmed for the semi-apology. In essence, the candidate who showed poor taste but was ambitious came out smelling sweeter than the candidate who was attacked for something stemming from his own loyalty. It’s my sense that McCain would’ve been better off to have accused Bill Ayers and Tony Rezko of wounding him with a folding chair at a WWF event circa 1968, making the Ayers-Obama-Rezko connection, then apologizing for the “mistake” before heading off for an interview with Diane Sawyer and her extra-shiny lip gloss.

I don’t mean to sound partisan on this issue. In fact, it cuts both ways. Sarah Palin, during her VP acceptance speech in St. Paul, mocked Obama for his background as a community activist. While there certainly can be debate on whether “Community Activist” or “Mayor of Wasila” should hold any weight on an application for President or Vice President of the United States of America (kinda like putting your high school pizza delivery job on your resume for the $125,000-a-year Regional Sales Coordinator job), it certainly isn’t anything you should be ashamed of or mocked for, is it? Well, Sarah Barracuda got a big laugh and even bigger applause from it and Obama had to spend some time defending himself for his work on the streets.

The point is, we’re becoming a country that rewards the art of the conniver, reveres the pirate, and respects the ends much more than the means. It's up to you and I, and all American parents to teach our children that this message being spoon-fed to them through the media is a message they should reject. It's no different than telling them that crazy Uncle Ned is a loon and they shouldn't listen to him, or not to follow the lead of the dirty kid down the street who eats mud and set fire to caterpillars. Let's not be afraid to denounce the messages coming at them on the television. Our society cannot afford to let the media win on this one. And let's face it, right now they're way ahead. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if a poll were conducted on Cain & Abel, Cain would score through the roof. Judas? Judas would be applauded for covering his ass. Hell, the rooster would even high-five him (obscure reference, check your Bible).

Speaking of roosters, it’s getting really fucking late & if I don’t get on with this it’s going to be daybreak before I finish. So in conclusion, alliances are good, some associations are bad, stab your buddy in the back before he gets you first, The Cartwrights, the Duke boys, the Bradys, all Losers, blah blah blah, pirates are cool, I like boobs, the end.
Now, on with the matchups….


Saturday

Stanford at UCLA-
The Bruins are so-so, the Cardinal stink….. really a snoozer of a matchup. So why did I select it? Like I said, I like boobs….



You’re welcome.



Cal at Arizona-
First of all, I can’t believe another year has passed and Cal hasn’t changed their team name to the Ripkens. This one’s on the slate simply to get that off of my chest, and to keep things out west. The U of Arizona is in Tucson. Tucson’s nice little town. I was there a couple years ago. Kinda earthy with lots of vegans & immigrants. It’s like ground zero for the veggie burrito industry. Hey, that reminds me of a joke. What do you call a comatose guy wrapped in a warm blanket?
A vegetable burrito.
I know, hell, straight to hell. Whatev.



Sunday

Chargers at Bills-
Don’t look now but I think the ineptitude of Principal Skinner (aka Norv Turner) is finally starting to affect the Chargers. Give him a couple more weeks and he’ll be chasing players around the practice fields & imploring Groundskeeper Willy for assistance.








Saints at Panthers-
With all the talk about the NFC East being clearly the best division in football, the NFC South is quietly making a case for itself. I’ll go so far as to say that the winner of the NFC South will go to the Super Bowl. Someday. And while I’m at it, here are three more rock-solid predictions for the near future….

1) The Tampa Bay Rays will win the World Series, continue to see low attendance figures next season, then change their name to the Tampa Bay Ray-Rays in an attempt to boost ticket sales to the “drunk black uncle” demographic.

2) Johnny B will appear as a guest on The View to tout his new book, Wet Dreaming of Jodie, an autobiographical look at his unhealthy obsession with Jodie Foster and his plans to woo her with a half dozen red roses and a ride in his red van back to his place where they’ll listen to a personalized iMix while enjoying a chicken dinner on the banks of his well-stocked koi pond.

3) Sarah Palin will have dinner at my house, compliment me on the chicken marsala, take a few sips of her ruphenol-laden chianti, then have absolutely no recollection of the rest of the evening, an evening that I will claim under oath to have been completely uneventful despite forensic evidence to suggest otherwise.



Vikings at Bears-
I hereby decree that all in-division NFC North games be played in the snow from here forward. No exceptions. Schedule them all at the end of the season, blow in man-made snow like they do at the ski slopes if you have to, but for the love of all that is holy, get at least three inches on the ground by kickoff. So sayeth me, so sayeth us all.






Steelers at Bengals-
Carson Palmer’s out again, which means yet another futile attempt by Ryan Fitzpatrick to drive the Bengals offensive short bus. Honestly, if your starting quarterback’s nickname is “Fitzy”, then you ‘ve got no chance. The only people who should be nicknamed “Fitzy” are epileptics and loveable, elderly desk cops in afterschool movies.



Titans at Chiefs-
Jeff Fisher’s fellas are a lot like that 24-carat diamond ring marked down to $129 on the Shop Latino Network (Dish Network, channel 220) at one o’clock in the morning. It looks great but something’s not quite right. I can’t help but feel that as soon as I get sold on them, two weeks later I’m going to receive a package and open it to find a Dora the Explorer decoder ring & a half-eaten pack of Mentos.



Ravens at Dolphins-
From 1-15 last season to beating the Pats & Chargers back-to-back weeks, then narrowly missing their third win in a row on the road last Sunday in the final seconds in Houston. The Dolphins have to be the most interesting story of the last six weeks, right? It’s either them, the Lindsay Lohan is she gay-is she not gay deal, or that whole election thingy.





Niners at Giants-
I watched the NFL Films story of the 1989 Bengals last Saturday afternoon on the NFL Network. Much in the same way that the documentaries about 9-11 should be watched every so often, this too should be watched by all Bengal fans, just so we never forget.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!



Cowboys at Rams-
Things sure are bleak in the Big D. They’ve lost two of three, Romo hurt his pinky, Felix Jones hurt his hammy, their punter hurt his foot, PacMan got suspended. Again.
What they need is something to lift their spirits. Hit that Casio, holmes!






Lions at Texans-
DVR ALERT! Dan Orlovsky is under center for Detroit this Sunday!



Colts at Packers-
Peyton Manning is back. The Pack is stacked.
Dwight Freeney attacks while the Pack strikes back.
Smickety-smack, flacka-lacka-lack.
I like big racks and drinkin’ lots of Jack.
Crack-tack, tacka-tacka, Crack-tack, tacka-tacka

Could someone please hand me……my……meds?



Jets at Raiders-




Browns at Redskins-
It’s official, Derek Anderson has ended his holdout and renewed his deal with the devil. We don’t have all the details yet but sources close to the negotiations say that it is on one-year deal which includes Anderson’s 2nd and 3rd born offspring as well as exclusive rights for Satan to use Anderson’s body as a vessel for evil during each holiday season.



Seahawks at Bucs-
The Mike Holmgren Farewell Tour heads to Tampa with Seneca Wallace likely to get the start in place of the balding Matt Hasselbeck. The baldness will reportedly keep Hasselbeck out of action until after their bye week.



Monday Night

Broncos at Patriots-
Time for this week’s pop quiz….

Denver quarterback Jay Cutler is a diabetic who needs to monitor his blood sugar levels during each game. Which of the following snacks would have the most positive effect on raising his blood sugar?
a) a bowl of Lucky Charms
b) a Snickers bar
c) a can of Mountain Dew
d) a can of Mountain Dew Code Red
e) a taste of Mama Squintz’ honey pot

Answer: b) inside of e) sitting in a large a)

Captain Chaos, Dr. Kevorkian, fondu lattes, the Renault Encore, musty man-hugs, an emu, two roosters, and a couple of cussing midgets

Whew, just made it back from a kick-ass stay at the St. Regis with my AIG homies. Bailout bucks are fucking awesome. I'm well-fed, well-rested, well-groomed and, well, ready to talk some football. And annuities. Who wants an annuity? First, football. Let's get on with the matchups....


Saturday

Texas v Oklahoma-
They call this one the Red River Shootout. Funny, that's what Mama Squintz and I used to call it when I'd tag her during her time of the month. That was of course back when she still had a "time of the month". Now it's a menstruation-free zone surrounded by hot flashes and dangerous mood swings.



LSU at Florida-
So, LSU D-tackle Ricky Jean-Francois said that if they get the chance, they'll put a "car-wreck hit" on Florida QB Tim Tebow. What kind of car would that be, Ricky Jean-Francois? A Renault Encore? I owned a Renault Encore back in the day. One time, I hit a pile of leaves with it and the front end buckled. Good luck, Frenchy.






Sunday

Ravens at Colts-
Remember that scene in Joe Dirt when the asteroid came crashing down to earth, Spade put it in his wagon, pulled it into town, ate french fries off of it, then found out that it wasn't an asteroid after all, just a big chunk of poopie? Well, I think I see a space peanut, and its' name is Joe Flacco.


Jaguars at Broncos-
Sure, Jay Cutler has looked great now that he's shooting-up with insulin on the sidelines. But unless the Denver defense gets diagnosed with a case of the sugars and gets their own set of needles, their season is gonna fall apart faster than the plotline of a '70's porno.






Lions at Vikings-
Jon Kitna versus Gus Frerotte, this Sunday only on FOX!



Bears at Falcons-
Quick, name the Falcons head coach......
Quick, name the Falcons top wide receiver......
Quick, name my penis......
30 points to you if your answers were Mike Smith, Roddy White, and Captain Chaos.



Raiders at Saints-
Al Davis, Dr. Kevorkian will see you now.





Panthers at Bucs-
Hey kids, it's Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!













Bengals at Jets-
J-E-T-S Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!



Cowboys at Cardinals-
After nearly getting Anquan Boldin killed with a hang-him-out-to-dry pass over the middle in New York two weeks ago, Kurt Warner said he contemplated retirement. Wow, a white guy almost gets a black dude killed and he feels so bad about it that he nearly retires? Somewhere, Abe Lincoln and Dr. King are sharing an ice cream & a musty man-hug right about now.



Eagles at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!!



Packers at Seahawks-
"Hey, you got your cheese in my coffee."
"You got your coffee on my cheese."
"Whaddya say we make fondu lattes and recycle some shit?"
"Oohkay dere."


Rams at Redskins-
The Scott Linehan, er, Jim Haslett Farewell Tour heads to DC!


Dolphins at Texans-
Holy Tuna Helper, Batman. Parcells washes up on South Beach and all of a sudden the Fins are knocking off the Pats & the Bolts. Dude's a genius. A big, gooey, grumpy genius with kick-ass Jap plays.



I love Jap plays.



Patriots at Chargers-
Speaking of the Dolphins bitches, they play each other in the S-D this week. Mama Squintz and I once shared a weekend in San Diego. Seventy two non-stop hours of wet, wild action that included some ball play and a whole lot of dolphin stroking amidst the stench of raw fish and a lot of public applause. And no, we didn't go to Sea World. We were in our room. The whole time. She smelled like fish, played with my balls a lot and we kept the blinds open. Good times.



Monday Night

Giants at Browns-
Can't wait for the ESPN broadcast of this sure-fire instant classic. We're probably in for 20-30 comments from Kornsheister on why the Browns aren't as good as "we all" thought they'd be, 30-40 observations of Derek Anderson's flawed throwing mechanics by Jawborski, and yet another halftime "3-Minute Drill" from Chris Berman that will make me throw up in my mouth a little. Seriously, I'd rather they just put an emu and two roosters in the booth and a couple of midgets with tourettes syndrome down on the sidelines.... Cock-a-doodle doo-FUCK! Shit-fucking fucker fuck! Cock-a-doodle-Horse Fuck! doo....Ass fucker! Shit! Fuck eggs! Bock-bock bacaw! Titty-fuck! Back to you, fuckers!

My Bailout Package

While Capital Hill tonight deals with the infighting, backbiting, granstanding and posturing that normally accompanies any bipartisan efforts to do anything productive, I'm dealing with some pretty fucking pressing issues of my own. I've got this post to put out, a 7-week old resting next to me who's due to start screaming for a bottle sometime within the next ten minutes, a five year old who needs a bath & help with some homework, and my ACME Flaming Liberal Commentator Extermination Kit is sitting in a freshly delivered box downstairs, just waiting for some assembly. Therefore, so I may take care of my parental duties and rid the country of its' news "reporting" equivalent of anal leakage (Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, etal.), I'm gonna bail. The matchups will be quick and free from commentary this week, but don't worry, I'll make it up to you next week with a special new feature which is likely to shatter my record for highest wordcount in a single post. (cue the applause)

Now, on with the abbreviated matchups... right after this most-appropriate blast from the political past....




Err, uh, let me try that again....




Saturday

Ohio State at Wisconsin




Missouri at Nebraska




Sunday

Titans at Ravens




Chiefs at Panthers





Bears at Lions





Falcons at Packers





Colts at Texans





Chargers at Dolphins





Seahawks at Giants





Redskins at Eagles





Bucs at Broncos





Bills at Cardinals





Bengals at Cowboys





Patriots at Niners





Steelers at Jaguars





Monday Night

Vikings at Saints