It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that Smitty is no longer with us. He died not-so-suddenly Sunday evening, just moments before the conclusion of the Bengals-Broncos game. I was with him when he passed.
As the Bengals missed their point-after attempt late in the game, he jumped from the bed yelling, "WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!?! GOD DAMMIT!WHAT THE FUCK!?!!" Then he ran into the bathroom, muttering something to himself, came back out, stared at the televison for a couple seconds, then said "Fuck me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." Then he marched back into the bathroom, pulled some Drano out from underneath the sink and just started guzzling it like he was Keith Richards with a bottle of vodka.
I would've called 911 but I was so exhausted & my legs were still shaking from all the sex we'd just had that, tragically, I could not get to the phone. Instead, I just told him how much I'd miss him and asked if he had any last words. He was straining to speak and I'm not sure if I heard him correctly but I believe his last words were "Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!", whatever that means. He also made me promise to do the weekly matchups for him. I don't know much about football but a promise is a promise so I'll give it a shot.
Also, he and I were supposed to go to New York next weekend to celebrate New Years Eve together at Times Square but it just doesn't feel right going without him. So, if any of y'all need a date, I'm free. (PS There are no services scheduled, he wanted to be cremated and sprinkled in my panties drawer.)
Sincerely,
Mama Squintz
Saturday Night
Giants at Redskins- Giants are real big. Like black weiners.
Sunday
Sex Panthers at Saints- I like sex. Duh.
Browns at Texans- Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Uh, y'all I didn't type that, the keyboard just went by itself. Creepy.
Lions at Cowboys- I once had a dream about giving oral to Jon Kitna. It was a great dream, until I woke myself up with a huge fart. I do that sometimes.
Jaguars at Chiefs- I once gave head to the fire chief in the front seat of a Jaguar. We dated for a while but I had to break it off when I found out he didn't like Lynrd Skynrd. I just can't date no guy who doesn't like Lynrd Skynrd.
Patriots at Titans- Oh how I love a bushy mustache.
Raiders at Jets- J! E! T! S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Steelers at Bengals- Damn you Brad St. Louis, damn you straight to hell!
Seahawks at Bucs- Have I ever told you about my days dancing at a topless bar in Tampa? Good times. It's where I got the syph for the first time.
Rams at Vikings- Never been to Minnesota. Too cold there and my nips are extremely sensitive ever since I had them pierced.
Cardinals at Chargers- I don't like the Chargers. Mostly cause their coach's daughter stole my younger boyfriend once. I was living in Oxford, Ohio and dating a skinny guy named Joe. He was kinda goofy but he was young & full of energy. Anyway, Marty Schottenheimer's daughter got him drunk & boned him like a dog. I never heard from him again. Bitch.
Falcons at Eagles- I have to root for Atlanta because I'm currently dating a guy who plays for the Falcons. His name is Ron Mexico. I like him cause he has honest eyes.
Bills at Ravens- Oh, my son used to love the Bills. He had an OJ Simpson poster when he was little & used to run around wearing a Bills helmet and his Joe Ferguson jersey. Him and my brother would play football in the backyard all the time. Most of the time the game would get rough and end with them having a tickle fight & then sharing a long hug before going inside to take a bath together.
Dolphins at Colts- Back in '88 I spent the entire summer sailing on Dan Marino's yacht. And by "sailing", I mean "riding". And by "yacht", I mean "cock".
Niners at Broncos- Damn those Broncos, damn them straight to hell!
Sunday Night
Packers at Bears- I don't know who's gonna win this one or who's gonna win your little Palooza thingy but I sure hope it's not Matt Olson. That little fucker's on my shit list ever since he tried to pour hot sauce on my hoochie-koo. Plus, he still owes me fifty bucks. If he does win, deduct fifty and send it to me.
Ho Ho Ho bitches! It's almost Christmas, it's sixty degrees outside, and I've only got three more days of work before an eleven-day vacation. That's the good news. The bad news is that my letter to Santa just came back to me in the mail on Friday. It seems I accidentally wrote the wrong zip code on the envelope. Seriously, the mailman couldn't figure it out anyway? I mean, how many North Poles could there be? Anyway, what that means is that Santa doesn't have my wish list yet. That's a problem. But luckily, I know from his emails that Zermy (one of Santa's elves) is a frequent reader of this blog. Zermy, I'm counting on you to pass along the following list to Santa ASAP, it's the only way I'm gonna get it to him in time. Just cut & paste, print it and throw it on his desk for me. Here goes....
Dear Santa,
I've been a moderately good boy this year (much better than last year) and since I know you're a big believer in effort & improvement, this year's list is slightly longer than last year's. I know I'm getting it to you kinda late so just do what you can. If some of the items are out of stock, you can just make it up to me next Christmas. So, if you would be so kind, I'd like the following:
a gas powered leaf blower a new pair of hiking boots some new socks an ipod nano that doesn't melt when I plug it into my computer a couple pair of silk boxers with "El Gigante" embroidered on the waist band a five-game winning streak for the Bengals fourteen 12x4 sheets of drywall a $500 gift certificate to Chipotle a chance meeting with Salma Hayek underneath the mistletoe a new flat screen computer monitor Wedding Crashers on DVD a bottle of ruphynol a strong rope a shovel peace on earth a large sausage pizza with a hole in the middle (that one's for you & me, Mama Squintz) four tickets to the Super Bowl a football autographed by Don Criqui the services of three elves for a full day to put up some drywall some new undershirts peace of mind for Britney Spears a peice of ass for my buddy Adam a nine-iron to replace the one I threw into a tree last year a riding lawn mower two hours in a hot tub with the Swedish bikini team four hours in a steam room with the Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders a coffee-scented air freshener for my car The Beastie Boys Solid Gold Hits cd one of those cool Gorilla ladders eight maids-a-milking sunshine on my shoulder (it makes me happy) a new sports watch a new belt a 52-inch high definition flat panel television and, a big jar of honey
Thanks Santa. By the way, some of us guys chipped in to help you unwind after your busy day. You should be receiving a shipment via FedEx in the next day or two. It's an 8-ft tall pole. Just have the elves mount it somewhere close to your favorite recliner. You'll be getting a visit from a nice young lady named Brandi next Tuesday & she'll show you what it's for. Enjoy!
Your pal,
-Smitty
Now, on with the Week 16 Matchups....
Thursday Night
Vikings at Packers- Ahhh, Christmastime in Green Bay. Hey kids look, it's Santa Claus! And he's handing out free cheese logs!!
Saturday Night
Chiefs at Raiders- The funny thing isn't that the Raiders are 2-12, the funny thing is that the Raiders are 2-12 and there's still going to be a good percentage of Raider Nation dressed up like they're about to go onstage at a GWAR concert. I guess I can't totally blame them, though. I did the same thing when the Dukes of Hazard got cancelled. I was wearing half-unbuttoned flannel shirts, tight jeans, and hopping into my mom's AMC Hornet through the passenger window for another six months before I got through the denial period.
Sunday
Ravens at Steelers- My Christmas wish is for this game to involve a lot of injuries. Lots & lots of serious injuries.
Sex Panthers at Falcons- Jim Mora Jr said in a radio interview that his dream job is to be the head coach at the University of Washington. He went so far as to say that if offered the job, he'd take it even if it meant leaving the Falcons in the middle of a playoff run. In response, several Falcons players said that their dream job is to play for someone other than Jim Mora Jr.
Bears at Lions- I was able to obtain some footage of a couple of Lions position coaches preparing for last week's game. Take a look....
Colts at Texans- Time for this weeks quiz.... Why is Peyton Manning such a cum-guzzler? A) Because I said so B) Because his boyfriend said so C) Because Eli said so D) Because Archie said so E) He's not, I'm just bitter because he thouroughly destroyed the Bengals on Monday Night Football a couple of hours ago
Answer: A, B, C, and D. Suck it, horseface!
Patriots at Jaguars- The Jags are a strange team, aren't they? They've beaten the Colts, Cowboys, and Eagles but lost to the Bills, Titans, and twice to the Texans.... I think it's safe to say that they're about as inconsistent as my Uncle Ed's bowels after two oyster sandwiches and a bowl of clam chowder.
Saints at Giants- The Giants seem to be the NFL equivalent of Paris Hilton. I know a whole lot about them even though they really haven't done a damn thing.
Buccaneers at Browns- If this game were on CBS, it'd clearly be the Don Criqui Game of the Week.
But, it's not on CBS. It's on FOX. And I really have nothing to say about it.
Nothing.
.....Whaddya say we just act like it's not even on the schedule? Okay then.
Titans at Bills- My sources tell me that Jeff Fisher's mustache consummated a deal with the devil without Fisher's knowledge. At first Fisher was pretty steamed, but now after four straight wins, he and his mustache are back on good terms and word has it that they were seen hanging out together last night.
Redskins at Rams- All you need to know about the NFC is that the Rams are 6-8 and still in the wildcard race.
Cardinals at Niners- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!
Bengals at Broncos- Growing up, I knew a kid named Denver. He was fat & kinda stupid. Am I suggesting that all guys named Denver are fat & kinda stupid? Yes, yes I am. Also, all guys named Larry are smelly, all girls named Colleen have pig noses, and all girls named Penny are needy and have abandonment issues.
Chargers at Seahawks- My old college roommate Joe asked me to pass along a Christmas gift to one of his former booty calls, Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. I don't want to give away what it is, but here's a little hint....
That almost singlehandedly makes up for the last two crappy seasons of SNL. You da man, Timberlake!
Christmas Day
Eagles at Cowboys- Has anyone seen Jeff Garcia with his shirt off? Dude is ripped.
Wait a minute. Now that I look at it again, I'm not sure if that's Jeff Garcia, Carrot Top, or Mama Squintz. In any case it's quite disturbing and I sincerely apologize. Here, wash your eyes out with some of this....
Christmas Night
Jets at Dolphins- Ahhh, nothing says "Feliz Navidad" like a football game in Miami. Hey kids look, it's Santa Claus. And he's handing out free burritos & green cards!! Wait, he's shouting something. It sounds like.....ah, si Santa, si. Jota!-E!-Te!-Ese!, Chupan!, Chupan!, Chupan!!
Remember when ESPN was an infant? It was so cute, broadcasting tough man competitions from the middle of Nebraska, college lacrosse games in Vermont, putt-putt tournaments from the suburbs of Baltimore, roller derby in Oxnard, calf-roping from supermarket parking lots in western El Paso, and doing it all simply for the love of the games, and of course some panic-induced desperation to fill their time slots. Sure, most of the programming sucked, but at least it was about sport. Kinda. Now it’ more about pomp & circumstance and taking the opportunity to beat their oversized chest every chance they get. ESPN’s like a chimp that wandered into a toxic swamp and returned as an eighty foot tall super land ape with sharp fangs, radioactive blood, and a satellite signal. It’s like King Kong with a huge ego problem. Don't get me wrong, I like a lot of things ESPN does and the man world is truly a better place with ESPN in it, but sometimes the beast needlessly smashes things to bits with its enormously over-hyping ape fists.
Case in point: At the beginning of Monday Night Football this evening, ESPN, feeling somehow obligated to start off the telecast with a cute celebrity-inspired intro, staged a poorly-written bit starring Barack Obama. Who? Exactly. Apparently he’s the african-american-muslim-democrat senator from Illinois. And apparently somebody high up on the ESPN food chain decided to give him sixty seconds of air time and chalk it up as a campaign contribution. It sucked. It sucked, he sucked, and whoever’s idea it was sucks out loud. If that wasn’t bad enough (and it was), it was immediately followed by a computer-generated opening set to music, featuring the new 2007 GMC Sierra. That’s right, no players, no coaches, no cheerleaders, just computer-generated players running around a computer-generated city with no less than six extremely blatant product placements for The New 2007 GMC Sierra! Following this piece of shit, ESPN subjected us to Jim Belushi (you know, the painfully unfunny fat guy who just happens to have a show on ABC which just so happens to be owned by the same parent company as ESPN) spewing some crap about Chicago (you know, the city he loves so much that he’s lived in LA for the past twenty years) while picking up a computer-generated glowing football helmet in the middle of the computer-generated city. Fantastic. All this and we haven’t even gotten to the old, tired, and completely played-out Are You Ready For Some Football?! ditty yet. I felt disgusting just by association. Now I know how Sable felt when King Kong Bundy groped her slobberknockers in Wrestlemania IX. Get your dirty ape hands off of me!
After taking a quick shower to wash off the stench of over-commercialization and network inbreeding, I was welcomed back to the sight of the broadcast team. To our right we have Joe Theeezman, who’s last solid point was his tibia when it was poking out of his sock against the Giants twenty one years ago. In the middle we have Tony Kornheiser. Tony’s okay, but for a man who makes a living out of pointing out the faults, flaws, and bad decisions of others, how in the hell does he walk away from his mirror each day thinking that combing four hairs across the top of his otherwise bald head is a good idea? And to our left is Mike Tirico. Mike’s not bad. Actually, I think he’s one of the better white play-by-play guys around. And finally, let’s not forget the sideline reporters; Michelle Tafoya and Suzy Kolber. One’s ugly and unoriginal, the other is unoriginal and ugly. Apparently this is the best the eighty foot tall land ape could do for a broadcast team? And I haven’t even gotten to the studio crew yet. Michael Irvin’s tied for dumbest man on the planet with the crazy homeless dude who rummages through the garbage outside of my office building, Steve Young is the dullest man on the planet, and Chris Berman is a case study in both uber ego-centricity and vocal narcissism. The only saving grace is that Stuart Scott isn't involved with the broadcast. Yet.
Fuck these fuckin' fuckers. Fuck them for fucking-up Monday Night Football.
Whatever happened to that sweet, innocent, infant channel with a glean in its' eye and a penchant for competitive eating? Where is the purity? Where is the passion? Where in the hell is Charlie Steiner? Come on, somebody grab some tranquilizer darts and take down this huge ape. We'll throw its lifeless body into the back of a New 2007 GMC Sierra, drive it over to Jim Belushi's Beverly Hills home, choke him to death with an extra-long Chicago-style hot dog, steal his circular saw & use it to open the ape's skull and remove its' enormous ego.
Now, on with the Week 15 Matchups...
Thursday Night
Niners at Seahawks- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to Hell!
Saturday Night
Cowboys at Falcons- Two weeks ago when Grammatica 1 booted the winning field goal for the 'Boys, Parcells pulled off the Bowel Trifecta by simulataneously pissing, shitting, and cumming in his pants all at the same time? Last week, while watching Brees & Bush kill his defense, he pulled off the Alternate Bowel Trifecta by pissing, shitting, and secreting blood into his pants all at the same time. I can only imagine what'll come out this week.
Sunday
Browns at Ravens- The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to Baltimore!
Lions at Packers- Wow, Kitna vs Favre. There's gonna so many balls batted around & tossed up for grabs in this one.....it'll be like a Saturday night in Lance Bass' hotel suite during Key West's annual Gay Pride Festival.
Texans at Patriots- You know what was the most amazing thing about the Pats getting shutout last Sunday by the Dolphins? That Bellichek was wearing his hoodie. In Miami. I'm asking, no, I'm begging for someone at CBS Sports to interview him about the hoodie. Is it a superstition thing? Does he think it has special powers? Did he lose a bet? Is it his woobie? Is it a fashion statement gone too far? I need answers!
Jaguars at Titans- Don't look now but the Titans have miraculously won six of their last seven games. The lesson, as always: Never, EVER underestimate the power of Jeff Fischer's mustache.
Dolphins at Bills- Bills wide receiver Lee Evans is good. Real good. So good in fact that I have to wonder, which is wide open more often, Lee Evans or Britney Spears' legs?
Jets at Vikings- J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Steelers at Sex Panthers- A lot of experts picked the Steelers and Panthers to meet in this year's Super Bowl. Me? I picked the Chiefs and the Falcons. Just goes to show that you don't have to be an expert to be a moron.
Buccaneers at Bears- There is joy in the streets of Chicago today as people can be heard shouting with glee, "Rex Grossman is mediocre again! He's back up to mediocre! Thanks be to God.....HALLELUIAH!!!"
Redskins at Saints- Has anybody seen Dolemite Jenkins lately?
Broncos at Cardinals- The Jay Cutler Experiment goes into the desert for some more intensive testing. Meanwhile, the recent success of the Cardinals has put The Denny Green Farewell Tour on hold. Also, and not surprisingly, news of the farewll tour being placed on hold has caused stock in Glendale-area donut shops and pancake houses to rise back up to their previous mid-year levels.
Eagles at Giants- You know that joke I made earlier about balls batted around and George Michael's hotel room? Would it have been funnier if I'd have used Jeff Garcia instead of Lance Bass? It would've, wouldn't it? Dammit!
Rams at Raiders- Zzzzzzzzzz......
Chiefs at Chargers- Time for this week's quick quiz...
What does "Schottenheimer" mean in German? A) Marksman B) Shot Putter C) Shit Hammer D) Nazi Whore E) Nazi Shit Putter
Answer: I honestly don't know. But I do know that Marty's daughter had a one-night bone-a-thon with my old college roommate back in '91. Good times.
I’ve been told that there are two types of people in this world; people who see the glass as half full and people who see the glass as half empty. Me? I not only see it as half empty but I’m wondering where in the hell our waitress is and why she hasn’t come around to refill mine yet. You see, it’s not about having a positive or negative outlook; it’s about always wanting more and never quite being completely satisfied. You stop and smell your roses Forrest, I’ll be over here feeding mine Miracle-Gro and sharpening their thorns with the horns of the bull that I’m using to provide the bunny hills of fresh fertilizer for ‘em each & every morning. Bigger roses, thicker steaks, larger bank accounts, more powerful tools, faster cars, …. It’s all about staying ahead of the game.
And it’s also about anxiety. The glass isn’t just half empty; more accurately, it’s halfway to being completely empty. Full is good, empty sucks. If you don’t believe me, go ask Chief Broken Gauges. He’s the shivering moron walking along the highway in the middle of winter with an empty gas can in one hand and an uncharged cell phone in the other. Full, good. Empty, not so good. That’s why I make sure to top-off my tank every chance I get. Sure, the plethora of $1.60 charges to my debit card is a little cumbersome when I go to balance my checkbook, but what can I say, I don’t want to run out of gas plus I love the scene at the quickie marts- Pimply Joe studying for his GED in-between cashing-out customers, the sweaty manager stocking the counter with more beef jerky, the beer delivery guy impatiently waiting for the sweaty manager to come over and sign for his shipment, the crazy homeless lady taking up counter space scratching off her loser Pot O’ Gold lottery tickets, Pimply Joe’s friends waiting in the parking lot for the manager to go into the back closet, I mean office, so they can come in and get Pimply Joe to sell ‘em a twelve of Keystone Light & three soft packs of Camels, the giggly high school girl chatting on her Blackberry & accidentally putting Diesel fuel into the new VW Beetle she got from daddy for passing her latest Phys Ed exam, and of course the weirdo in the Barney t-shirt who’s buying a curious combination of candy bars, baseball cards, cheap beer, the latest issue of Teen Beat, and a pack of condoms. And it’s all happening amidst the glow of a couple dozen 40,000 watt halogen lights and the sweet smell of gasoline and hopeless despair.
Where in the hell was I? Oh yeah- Full good, Empty bad. No tank is too full, no fridge is too stocked, no pantry too packed, no bar is too backed, no set of breasts are too stacked….. And, no lead is too safe.
I was out with the fellas to watch the football game last Thursday night and Johnny B pointed out my Defcon 4 Level of anxiety over the Bengals only having a 13-point lead with less than three minutes to play. I wasn’t alone in my anxiety; Jimmy and I were both lamenting the fact that the lead “should be at least twenty points right now”. We were running down the list of missed opportunities and discussing the variety of ways in which we were prepared to kill ourselves should the Bengals wind up losing the game.
Now, while I’m not sure where the need to make sure I don’t run out of something comes from (other than common sense and genetics- my Grandma Ruoff kept three 20 ft-long shelves full of boxed food & canned goods down in her basement at all times), I do know where the No Lead is Too Safe ideology comes from. You see, I’ve been a Bengals fan my whole life and I’ve lived through the Shula-Coslet-LeBeau regimes (or, as I like to call them, the first, second, and third inner rings of Hell). Vietnam vets sometimes have trouble with the sound of helicopters, long-time Bengal fans have trouble with the sound of Don Criqui’s voice. ...And feeling comfortable when our team has a lead. There’s an old saying that goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I swear to God I’m gonna put my Who Dey Hanky in the closet until you guys win again.”
Look, I know this isn’t life-or-death stuff we’re talking about here but it’s part of what makes us who we are. Someone else might be a “glass half full” guy because he grew up a Cowboys fan with a dad who accidentally struck oil in their side yard, I’m a “glass half empty” guy because I grew up a Bengals fan and my grandma stocked her basement like it was a bomb shelter. Neither is necessarily good or bad, or either one better than the other, they just are what they are. But all things considered, I’ll stick with the glass half empty crowd. Sure, the glass half full people will experience less anxiety, actually enjoy watching their team play, and enjoy smelling their relatively smallish roses but there’s nothing quite like agonizing over your team’s precarious lead only to see them unexpectedly hang on for the victory. The relief is like taking a piss after downing a few tall boys and holding them in your bladder for a couple of hours. Aaaaaahhhhhh, the Victory Piss. The glass half full people will never experience that. And I’ll never be walking with a gas can on the side of the highway.
Now, on with the Week 14 Matchups...
Thursday Night
Browns at Steelers- Too bad this one can only be seen on the NFL Network. Now only 14 million people can choose not to watch it.
Falcons at Buccaneers- Well, looks like the Falcons are back in the playoff hunt. What a strange season for Vick & the Vickettes; first they sucked, then they were unbeatable, then they sucked, now they're winning again. They're more on-again, off-again than the Paris Hilton-Nichole Richie friendship.
Ravens at Chiefs- Speaking on behalf of all of Bengal Nation, I would like to sincerely thank Brian Billick for taking over the Ravens offense. Way to go, genius!
Colts at Jaguars- The Colts left home field advantage and their dignity in Tennessee last Sunday. This week, they'll try to get out of Jacksonville without losing their self respect and their virginity as well.
Vikings at Lions- The Vikings suffered a heart-breaking loss to the Bears on Sunday. This week, they'll do what all teams do when they absolutely, positively have to get back on the winning track- they'll go play the Lions.
Patriots at Dolphins- You know what I like about Miami? I like that it stays warm enough all season long for their cheerleaders to dress like this:
Giants at Sex Panthers- Hasn't Tom Coughlin ever seen Footloose? You push discipline on the kids too hard & they'll rebel on your ass. Mindless personal fouls, calling each other out in the locker room, questioning game plans.... Pretty soon they'll start dancing.... With girls!
Raiders at Bengals- Should be a cake walk for the Bengals, but of course until they have an insurmountable lead, I will be thinking up ways to kill myself should they find a way to lose (and by "insurmountable" I mean 35 points with less than a minute remaining). By the way, who came up with the term "cake walk"? Who the hell walks through cake? Why would anyone walk through cake? Seriously, I've said it before & I'll say it again, we need a weekly tv show that figures out where this kind of shit came from.
Eagles at Redskins- Garcia. Campbell. It's the Eagles versus the Redskins playing out the string, this Sunday only on FOX!
Titans at Texans- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Packers at Niners- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Seahawks at Cardinals- Time for this week's quiz.... Who's faster? A) Larry Fitzgerald B) Shaun ALexander C) Edgerrin James D) A greased Denny Green sliding down a flag pole E) Ooh, gross
Answer: D) and E)
Bills at Jets- J!-E!-T!-S!, Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!
Broncos at Chargers- I rented The Da Vinci Code on dvd the other day. Good movie. In case you haven't seen the movie or read the book, it's based on the premise that Mary Magdalen went from common street whore to being the wife of Jesus and mother of his child. Sure, it's a bit of a stretch but it's nice in that it gives hope to whores all across the world, like Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. Too bad for her that my college roommate Joe wasn't the Son of God.
Saints at Cowboys- Did you see the look on Parcell's face when Grammatica 1 kicked the game-winning field goal against the Giants? I think he pulled off the coveted Bowel Trifecta by pissing, shitting, and cumming in his pants all at the same time. I'm sure that made for a nice jog off the field.
Monday Night
Bears at Rams- After the last couple games the Bears players have been wearing the Ellen Griswald Face. You know, the look Ellen sported about halfway through the trip when she finally realized that Clark really was the bumbling fool she'd always suspected him to be and that there was no way in hell they were all going to make it to Wallyworld alive in the pea green family truckster. Yep, Rex Grossman is the Bears' Clark, Griese is Uncle Eddie, and the fans are Aunt Edna. Sorry folks, park's closed. Uh-huh, Uh-huh.
Okay, who slipped some coke in my Pepsi? Real funny. Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice? What? Sure you didn’t, whatever. Look, I’m not mad, just get me a fresh drink, without the white powdery narcotic this time. Oh whatever. I’m having hallucinations about the Titans, Bills, and Dolphins on winning streaks, about the Steelers being 4-7, about Mike Vick flipping people off, about some guy named Tony Romo being the next Joe Montana, not to mention the real good one about the Don Criqui & Beasley Reese reality show, and you’re gonna tell me that I don’t have some serious street drugs in my system? Come on. Seriously, just tell me who put it in my drink, I'll punch that person in the neck, we'll all laugh, and we'll move on. ...You don’t really expect me to be-…..Oh come on…..You can’t expect me to…..You're serious?....Don't you fuckin' lie to me...Really?...Everything except the Criqui & Resse thing?...Yeah, well I guess that one's pretty far out there…..Hmmm, well, okay then. Uh, whew. So if I’m not under the effects of co-…....Um, why does the television show the Packers beating the Seahawks by nine points in the third quarter? Seriously, who put the fucking coke in my Pepsi?
Let's just get on with the Week 13 Matchups…
Ravens at Bengals- Did you see the beat down that the Ratbirds layed on Slothlisberger last Sunday? Holy dick in the dirt, Batman. If I was Carson Palmer (and sadly, I'm not), I'd be spending the next couple of days getting fitted for a suit of body armor, an emergency jet pack, and some extra-absorbant adult diapers.
Cardinals at Rams- My one ongoing fantasy that does not involve Salma Hayek is to see an NFL game where neither team is forced to punt for the entire sixty minutes. And seeing as though these two teams field less defense than the Swiss Army, this one's got a chance.
Falcons at Redskins- My favorite headline from last weekend: "Vick Flips Two Dirty Birds." By the way, who was the A-hole who made the Falcons his preseason pick to make the Super Bowl and then bragged about it on Week 9? Yep, I'm an idiot.
Lions at Patriots- What is must feel like to be a Lions fan...
Colts at Titans- Nice to see Pac Man Jones put down the crack pipe long enough to notch a couple key interceptions in the Titans come-from-the-dead win over the Giants last Sunday. Speaking of Pac Man, it's time for a quick quiz... What was Adam "Pac Man" Jones' nickname before "Pac Man"? A) Inky B) Blinky C) Pinky D) Clyde E) Ms Pac Man
Answer: None of the above. It was actually "Fuckface McGee".
Chiefs at Browns- Huh, you mean Charlie Frye wasn't the long term solution at quarterback? Go figure.
Vikings at Bears- You know how sometimes you go to a club, hook up with a girl, take her back to your place, she takes her clothes off, and then you realize that she has a penis? Yeah, well the Bears are the girl and Rex Grossman is the penis. And no, that never really happened to me. But it did happen to Johnny B. Turned out okay though. They shared a few good years & raised a hairless cat.
Jets at Packers- J-E-T-S, Suck, Suck, SUCK!!! Seriously, beat somebody decent and I promise that I'll stop it.
Chargers at Bills- I'd almost forgotten why I dislike the Bills until they won again last week and I heard Chris Berman say "Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!" for something like the 897th time. Like nails on a chalkboard. For the love of God, I am begging for someone to please put a pick axe through his combover.
Niners at Saints- Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!
Texans at Raiders- Ladies and gentelemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Jaguars at Dolphins- This is the kind of game that's been giving me severe headaches. The Jags beat good teams and lose to bad teams. They also typically win at home at lose on the road. So if I consider the Dolphins to still be a bad team, I should take them over the Jags. But if I consider them to now be a good team, I should take the Jags. Then again, it's a road game for the Jags.... However, it's not your typical road game because it's in-state, the weather will be nice... I don't know what to do. I think I'll take the- Hey look, it's Tom & Katie!
I had a great time at their wedding. Beautiful castle, wonderful food, great laser light show. I hope they like the cool wedding gifts I sent. I got them matching straight jackets. I know what you're thinking but they're cute. I had 'em screen printed. The front of Katie's reads I'M CRAZY ABOUT TOM and the front of Tom's reads TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.
Buccaneers at Steelers- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Gus Johnson Game of the Week!
Cowboys at Giants- The Cowboys are proof positive that anything can happen in a month. Just a few weeks ago Dallas seemed doomed. Things were bleak. They were bleaker than bleak. They were downright bleck. Bledsoe was getting sacked like a small Scandinavian island and picked like a first grader's nose, T.O. was so miserable that he swallowed a half a bottle of goofy pills, and the Tuna looked to be one interview away from a quadruple bypass. Now with Romo slingin' the pig, everything's suddenly sunshine and daisies in the Big D. I tell ya, if Romo keeps playing like this and we'll eventually see Parcells and Jerry Jones riding into the stadium on a unicorn while shooting stars and rainbows fill the Texas sky.
Seahawks at Broncos- So they finally decided to bench Jake Plummer. The only thing less surprising than that move was Britney Spears going out on the town without her panties last weekend.
Thanksgiving’s a strange name for a holiday, isn't it? I’m not sure why, probably because it’s a verb. Maybe it should be called Pilgrims and Indians Power Lunch Day, or I Can’t Believe I’m Actually Related to These People Day, or just officially go ahead and simply change it to Turkey Day. Better yet, let’s keep it a verb and call it what it really is- Turkeygorging. Yes! And let’s not stop there. What if we used verbs for all of the holidays? "Merry Giftgiving!", "Happy Egghunting", "Have a fun Trickortreating", "Happy Green Beerdrinking", "Have a nice Fireworking", "See you next Balldropping"…. I like ‘em. Let’s just call ‘em what they are. Oh sure, they’re a little crass, but nobody really does what you’re supposed to do on the holidays anymore anyway, at least not for more than a few minutes. We all start out with good intentions and then, well, we get distracted…
Christ was born to save us, wow, what a grand gesture, praise God. Hmmm, I wonder if Marge got me that cordless drill I wanted?
Man, the colonists sure were brave to take on the English army and we sure owe a lot to the founding fathers for having the wisdom to form a democracy, Ooh look, a box of M-80s!
Christ died on the cross, rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven. It was the ultimate sacrifice and he did it to save us. Man, that’s so…..Hey, who ate my last Cadbury egg?!
I’m thankful for my family, for our good health, for our dog Sparky, for this wonderful...aw fuck it, let's eat!
Look, it is what it is and we are what we are. And what we are is a self-absorbed, gluttonous nation with a desperate need to constantly be entertained. No, not all of us. Just me, and everyone else I know. And Thanksgiving brings the self absorption, gluttony, and entertainment to the table simultaneously like no other holiday can. You spend all day embellishing your accomplishments for the year, surrounded by more food than you could possibly eat, drinking for free, watching football and placing side bets on whether great Uncle Ernie’s dentures are going to fall out as he valiantly takes on yet another slice of pecan pie. It’s honestly just some bright lights and a bunny ranch away from having your own little Vegas vacation right in the comfort of your own home. String up some Christmas lights, invite Mama Squintz over, log onto an offshore gambling site and suddenly you’ve reached “What happens in the living room, stays in the living room” Level.
And this year it’s all extended by another three hours or so. That’s right, thanks to the good people at The NFL Network, we now have a Turkey Day Tripleheader! And it’s not just one more football game (which in and of itself would be fantastic enough). No, it’s not only the added game that’s got me excited, it’s the extension of the day and the amount of time that families will feel obligated to spend with one another. Sure it’s just three more hours, but those three extra hours, at the end of an evening of too much food and too much alcohol, exponentially increases the potential for all sorts of good stuff to happen. And by "good stuff" I of course mean things that can ruin family dynamics and cause wills to be changed.
It’s three more hours that Aunt Sally has to hold her tongue about Aunt Mildred’s dry stuffing, three more hours than Uncle Pete has to keep from dropping an A-bomb in the only downstairs bathroom, three more hours for cousin Randy to hold off the urge to sneak away & light up a doobie out in the garage, three more hours for Uncle Frank to resist the urge to whack ultra-opinionated Uncle John in the head with one of Grandma’s heavy brass candlesticks, three more hours for cousin Derek and half-cousin Amy to keep their newfound sexual relationship a secret, and three more hours for everyone to try and keep themselves from calling out Aunt Mildred, Uncle Pete, Cousin Randy, Uncle Frank, Uncle John, Cousin Derek, and Half-Cousin Amy as being, respectively, a bad cook, a stanky ass, a drug addict, a violent drunk, a dickhead, and a couple of borderline in-breeders. Odds are, somebody's gonna crack.
Yep, it very well could happen. And if it does, a magical thing will occur; Memories will be created. That's what the holidays are all about, aren't they? Creating memories to share and last a lifetime. And if no one cracks? Well, then we'll just have to settle for three more hours of getting to know one another a little bit better. Maybe share a few extra laughs, share some knowledge, lend a compassionate ear, some kind words, or re-tell some forgotten stories. Either way it's a win-win. Plus, if you don't feel like all that touchy-feely stuff, you can just mix in a few sleeping pills with the tryptophan, chase 'em with some Wild Turkey, and drift off while watching that extra football game. Happy Turkeygorging!
Now, on with the matchups...
Turkey Day
Dolphins at Lions- Who needs tryptophan when you've got the Lions offense? By the way, welcome back to the D, Joey Harrington.
Buccaneers at Cowboys- Could everyone please just get ahold of yourselves with regards to all the Tony Romo talk? What's this guy started, three games? Didn't Scott Mitchell, Jeff Blake, and Don Majkowski win their first three games, too? Calm down. Give him a few more games and he'll fall back to earth faster than you can say "Bruce Gradkowski".
Broncos at Chiefs- Okay, it's official: I hate the Broncos. Despite having the best cheerleaders in the league, I still hate them. Why? In case you didn't see it Sunday night, here's why:
Just another in a long line of cheap shots from the dirtiest group in the NFL. Somebody oughtta chop block Shannahan then smack the back of his head, forcing his oversized dentures to shoot out of his face.
Sunday
Cardinals at Vikings- How do you think Denny Green eats his Thanksgiving turkey? White meat first? Dark meat first? With stuffing? Without stuffing? Personally, I think he eats it like the dog on Tom & Jerry- holding it by a leg, he wraps his jowls around it & sucks the whole thing right off the bone, then sticks out his tongue and licks his whole face clean. You go Denny!
Sex Panthers at Redskins- The Joe Gibbs Farewell Tour makes a stop back in DC.
Bengals at Browns- You simply can't think of Cincinnati and Thanksgiving without thinking of this...
Texans at Jets- J-E-T-S, Suck!, Suck!!, SUCK!!!
Jaguars at Bills- Remember back when you were dating around & you had a girlfriend you wanted to break up with but you just couldn't bring yourself to dump her, then, miraculously, she breaks it off with you with one of those "I love you but I just don't think it's gonna work out" talks, and you have to act bummed even though inside you're totally high-fiving yourself? Yeah, well I think that's how the rest of the Jags felt when Leftwich went down.
Saints at Falcons- Whaddya say we all cut Mike Vick some slack. You know, it's not easy running an NFL offense when you've got the herpes virus corsing through your veins.
Steelers at Ravens-
Niners at Rams- Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!
Raiders at Chargers- Have you been following the Chargers lately? Good night. I haven't seen this many come-from-behind triumphs since I rented Ass Bangers III, The Revenge of the Syph
Bears at Patriots- Exactly where do you think hoodies rank on Bill Belichek's list of things he's thankful for? I'm guessing it's right after "good health" and right before "my girthy penis".
Giants at Titans- Jeff Fisher's mustache takes on some leftover cranberry sauce, candied yams, and a helping of lumpy mashed potatoes with gravy, this Sunday on FOX!
Eagles at Colts- Jeff Garcia is starting at quarterback and Rocky VI hits the theatres. Not a good week to be from Philly.
Monday Night
Packers at Seahawks- And finally, a quiz... What was the original family pronunciation of "Favre"? A) Fahv-ruh B) Fav-or C) Fahv-ray D) Theez-man E) None of the above, his ancestors were mutes
Watching your team blow a 21-point lead sucks. Watching your team blow a 21-point lead in the second half really sucks. Watching your team blow a 21-point lead while giving up 42 points in the second half simply sucks the life right out of you.
During those first couple of hours right after the Bengals monumental meltdown against the Chargers last Sunday, I was honestly in no mental condition to be living freely amongst other humans. You know that guy in every mental ward, the one wearing his pajamas backwards, licking on one of those huge all-day lollipops, singing “I’m a little teapot” and walking kinda funny because he just dumped a bowl of tapioca pudding down his pants? Yep, that was me. Crazy as a loon. And I gotta tell ya, Johnny B didn’t help matters any. I was on the phone with him during the waning moments of the debacle and he was morphing into some kind of half-man, half-wildebeast creature. At one point, his wife crossed in front of the tv and all I could make out was what sounded like a growl, a pounce, the breaking of a table, some muffled screams, tearing of flesh, and bones being eaten. Then the line went dead. I was going to call back later and check on him but I drove by his house & saw him digging in the yard, so I’m sure everything’s fine now.
Forty two points in one half! Seriously. No, …SERIOUSLY!!
How ridiculous is that? I'll tell you how ridiculous. It's beyond ridiculous. It's ridonkulous. No, it's beyond ridonkulous. It's ri-ding-dong-donkulous. No, actually it's beyond ri-ding-dong-donkulous. It's ri-ramma-lamma-ding-dong-donkulous. And did you see Bresnahan's face? Absolutely clueless. He looked like a farmer staring at a crop circle. Ugh, it's honestly sapping my will to live with each passing word I type about it. I'd much rather go and explore something less bizarre, like OJ's new book or the upcoming Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding. But first, let's get on with the matchups, which also happen to be quite ridiculous this week...
Falcons at Ravens- So let me get this straight, the Falcons were steamrolling through the season until they got to the
@ Detroit vs Browns
part of the schedule?
Ridiculous.
Bills at Texans- Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
The fact that he still has a job is ridonkulous.
Bears at Jets- J!-E!-T!-S!
What? The Jets are 5-4? Now that's ri-ding-dong-donkulous.
Bengals at Saints- Hey, it's quiz time! Which of the following have gaping holes? A) A block of Swiss cheese B) OJ's alibi C) The Bengals defense D) Mama Squintz E) All of the above plus one more that rhymes with "a fizzin' witch"
Answer: E)
(I'm ridiculous)
Vikings at Dolphins- Over/Under on the number of Vikings players who will run past Daunte Culpepper and yell "Hey, nice clipboard": 15
Not so ridiculous.
Patriots at Packers- Talk about your "nothing to lose" games, this is exactly that for Green Bay. They've already won more games (4) than most people thought they'd win all year and nobody outside of some of the more severely mentally-challeged upper deck season ticket holders at Lambeau are giving them a shot to win this one. I smell a possible upset. Or that could be a block of limburgher, their scents are quite similar. Oh, wait, I know what that smell is- it's the Patriots new third-string quarterback Vinny Testaverde. Yo, what up Vinny?
Hey yo, that's absalootly ridickalus.
Raiders at Chiefs- Me, in last week's Matchups: "Ya get the feeling that we're just a game or two away from Randy Moss changing his name back to The Disgruntled Randy Moss? Yeah, me too.
Randy Moss, as quoted this week in the San Fransisco Chronicle: "Maybe because I'm unhappy and I'm not too much excited about what's going on...so, my concentration and focus level tend to go down sometimes when I'm in a bad mood. All I can say is if you put me in a good situation and make me happy, man, you get good results."
Yep, NostraSmitty strikes again.
I'm ridiculously talented.
Steelers at Browns- Loser falls into last place in the AFC North, winner gets a used trophy and a free round of hummers from Mama Squintz.
She's ridiculously talented.
Rams at Sex Panthers- Okay, one more time due to popular demand:
Redskins at Buccaneers- Bruce Gradkowski and the Bucs do battle with Jason Campbell and the Skins, this Sunday on FOX!
Ri-stink-ulous.
Titans at Eagles- Jeff Fisher's mustache gets a weekend in the land of cheesesteaks. This is not going to be pretty. My guess is that he'll have that thing looking like Mama Squintz beaver after some attempted cunnilingus- dishevled & matted down in places with cheese and small amounts of vomit.
Ri-stank-ulous.
Lions at Cardinals- Does the winner of this one actually get credit for a "W"? Seriously. No, seriously.
Re-stunk-ulous.
Seahawks at Niners- Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!
Colts at Cowboys- Indy travels to the Big D to take on T.O. & Co. Wouldn't it be ironic if the Cowboys' K got a FG in OT to give Indy it's first L? But honestly, it's more likely that he'd miss the FG, or even a PAT, causing an EMT to give CPR to the Dallas HC, followed by a trip to the ER for an EKG, a few hours in the OR, then a nice little stay in the ICU. But I don't have ESP, so who knows. Ok?
R-D-U
Chargers at Broncos- Seriously, these are the guys who put up 49 points on us last week?
Ri-ramma-lamma-ding-dong-donkulous.
Monday Night
Giants at Jaguars- It's the episode you've been waiting for...Tom Coughlin comes back to Jacksonville. Memories are shared, old wounds are healed, and a romance is rekindled... this week on a very special Monday Night Football. And afterwards, stay tuned for a brand new episode of Panhandling Near the Panhandle with this week's special guest, Tony Kornheiser. Watch as Tony and some friends get panhandled in a posh Jacksonville cafe. It's a special night of television, this Monday, on ESPN.
Well, it’s official. Bob Barker is calling it a career. Bob Barker: game show host, animals’ rights activist, ladies man, is retiring next June. I gotta tell you, hearing the news last week hit me like a ton of Plinko chips. I got so verklempt that I had to take a week just to compose myself before writing about it. (Actually, I’d already written that little thingy about Halloween & was just too lazy to start over with a new topic. This is free, you know.)
For those of you keeping score at home, this marks the third and final serious blow to old ladies over the last ten years. First there was the retirement of Johnny Carson, then Dick Clark suffered a stroke, and now, almost inconceivably, Bob Barker is retiring. And make no mistake, this is the biggest and most devastating of the three. The other two were shots to the midsection but this one is a vicious uppercut to the chin that's sent shockwaves through the AARP circuit. With this one single and profound press release, the masturbatory habits of millions of elderly women have been altered forever. I mean, just who are they supposed to lube-up and rub-off to now? Alex Trebek? Pat Sajak? Chuck Woolery? Ooh yeah, maybe Chuck Woolery, he’s got chiseled features and that same tan-in-a-can look like Barker and he's aged quite well. He's still quite a handsome man.....but I digress.
This is a day of mourning for our elderly female population and I for one would like to see all rest homes flying their flags at half mast for the remainder of the week. I’d like to see President Bush offer some words of encouragement in his weekly address. I’d like everyone to take time to visit their grandmothers and give them a big hug (or at least send them one of those Hallmark e-cards. Although you’ll probably have to send it to her neighbor and ask the neighbor to invite her over to see it since she most likely doesn’t have a computer and even if she does, she probably either hasn't figured out how to use email or has chalked it up as too newfangled, or evil or something.) But most of all, I’d like to lead the nation in saluting you, Bob Barker. You’ve spent nearly thirty five years entertaining America and providing us with countless iconic pop culture moments, games, and phrases. You’ve given us the Showcase Showdown, Barker’s Beauties, The Clock Game, Plinko, Lucky Seven, the yodeling mountain climber guy, some hella-impressive on stage putting clinics, a few near-fatal accidents with the money wheel, and the whole ‘closest without going over’ method for determining tie breakers. Sir, you are an American icon and you will truly be missed. Not by me, but those old ladies and some stoner college students are seriously gonna miss the hell outta you.
For thirty five years you've stood up on stage with a microphone that looks like a fairy wand, waiting for a big fat gay guy in a sparkly suit to yell "Come on down!" just so you could play carnival games with frat kids, illegal immigrants, and people who spend their weekends shopping at flea markets. I'm not saying it's all been bad 'cause it's had its moments --
...but for the most part I'm sure the monotony and stupidity of it all has spayed a few of your brain cells and neutered your central nervous system. So, enjoy your retirement, Bob Barker. It's both well-deserved and well overdue.
Before we say goodbye, let me leave you with something. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, that's not exactly true. The most sincere form of flattery is a glancing smile and a wink, followed by some unconditional oral sex. But imitation is a close second. This, however, isn't really imitation, it actually has more of a mocking tone to it. Mocking is further down on the list, behind "teasing", "condescension" & "apathy", and right before "mild contempt". So anyway, here's a not-quite mildly contemptuous tribute to you. Happy trails Bobby...
Now on with the Week 10 Matchups...
Ravens at Titans- So you break up with your girlfriend in order to date someone who's younger, hotter, has perkier boobs, etc. It's a nasty breakup, locks are changed, some of your clothes and cds mysteriously disappear, the whole deal. A couple months later you and the new girl aren't doing so well. Then you run into your Ex at a party. She's looking fantastic and she's there with some male model who just so happens to also be the sole heir to some shipping mogul from Greece. Not good times. So what's my point? Jeff Fisher is you, Steve McNair is your Ex, Vince Young is your new girlfriend, the Ravens are the rich, Greek male model, and the party is this Sunday at LP Field in Tennessee.
Bills at Colts- Gino Manchetti told me that he has some very strong inside information which suggests that the Bills are going to win this game outright. Of course I should also mention to you that Gino is a garden gnome who's lived in my Dad's neighbor's front yard for about 25 years. He's the very same garden gnome who's advised me in the past to do such things as purchase large quantities of Pan Am stock, to rid my closet of everything except ripped Levi's and concert tees, to go on a strict diet of cheese and beef jerky, and to grow a mullet. In other words, he's a pretty smart fucking gnome, dude.
Browns at Falcons- The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to A-Town!
Packers at Vikings- Dear Minnesota Vikings offense, You may want to try and mix-in a touchdown every now & then.
Sincerely,
Your fans
Texans at Jaguars- Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Chiefs at Dolphins- Would someone mind explaining to me just exactly how in the hell the Chiefs are 5-3? Seriously. So they're on a pace to finish 10-6 without Trent Green at quarterback and with Herm Edwards running the ship. That's just ridiculous. Next thing you know, the country's going to be run by Democrats and Britney & Kevin are going to split up. Whatever.
Jets at Patriots- J-E-T-S Suck, Suck, SUCK!!!
Chargers at Bengals- I don't mean to pile on Carson Palmer because I know he's not 100% back from his knee injury but I think it's safe to say that he hasn't played this poorly since this picture was taken-
Niners at Lions- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to ........Uh, Jon Kitna has requested that I do not use the word he-....I mean, the word H-E-double hockey sticks in any matchup involving the Lions. Okay. I respect that and will honor his wishes. I will not use that goddamn word in any goddamned matchup involving the goddamn Lions. (I know, Hell, straight to Hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, I know.)
Redskins at Eagles- Did you think I'd forget to toss in a quiz this week? No such luck. Here ya go...
For what team did Joe Gibbs coach as an assistant before his first stint with the Redskins? A) San Diego State Aztecs B) Dodge City Dirt Farmers C) North Carolina Tech Washboard Willies D) St. Louis Cardinals E) Two of the above F) The other two of the above
Answer: F)
Broncos at Raiders- Ya get the feeling that we're just a game or two away from Randy Moss changing his name back to The Disgruntled Randy Moss? Yeah, me too.
Cowboys at Cardinals- There are losses, there are bad losses, and then there's what happened to the Cowboys last Sunday in DC. That was a snafu wrapped up in a cluster fuck, stuffed inside of an ass clown, sauteed in some choke sauce, topped with half a cup of chopped Fuck Me nuts, and served with a side order of Shit-for-Brains pot pie. Honestly, it was beyond ridiculous. It was ridonkulous. You know what else is ridonkulous? The Cardinals. Actually they're ridingdongdonkulous. Speaking of ridingdongdonkulous....
Saints at Steelers- ....the Saints are going into Pittsburgh in Week 10 as playoff contenders while the Steelers are angling for the first pick in next year's draft. Two perfect examples of The Football Gods at work here. Your region gets ravaged by a hurricane & you have to spend the whole season on the road, you get repaid the next year by landing Drew Brees, having Reggie Bush fall into your lap, and going on a surprising playoff run. On the other hand, you lay a cheap shot on a quarterback and then get the refs to hand you the Super Bowl, you get repaid with the next season with a motorcycle accident, an emergency appendectomy, and a 2-6 start. The lesson, as always: Don't fuck with The Football Gods 'cause they will fuck you right back.
Rams at Seahawks- No details yet on Seneca Wallace's deal with the devil but we have learned that Satan is set to report record earnings for the month of October. Word of this helped the stock price of Hades International to climb four points in heavy trading today, ending at a 12-month high of $66.6 per share.
Bears at Giants- You know, Rex Grossman's a lot like sushi. When he's good, he's pretty darn good. But when he's bad, there's a whole lot of gag reflexes, dry heaving, and unwanted bowel movements.
Monday Night
Buccaneers at Sex Panthers- Did someone say Sex Panther?
It’s T-minus four hours until all the little monsters, super heroes and princesses start coming to the door begging for candy. We’ve got a bucket full of well over 500 pieces of candy at the ready and a nicely pressed mini-pirate costume waiting for our currently napping daughter. I’ve also got a pretty decent-sized headache forming off the coast of my left temple which has the potential of becoming a Category 4 skull storm before the night’s over. Plus, it’s raining. A lot. And did I mention that the majority of my family & my in-laws are headed to my house tonight? Halloween’s a great holiday if you’re a kid. If you’re an adult, not so much. Unless, of course, you go to a non-work-related Halloween party. The kind with men dressed up like women, women dressed up like whores, whores dressed up like french maids giving head in the coat closet to guys wearing Bill Clinton masks, and, of course, an open bar. Kinda like the Arquette’s house at Thanksgiving. But since I don’t have a Halloween party to go to and since I’m no longer welcome at the Arquette’s, this Halloween is shaping up to be just a wet, headachy trek through the neighborhood.
My daughter will love it, though. And that’s what it’s all about- the look on your kids’ faces, filled with excitement over getting free candy from complete strangers. Of course, you usually can’t see the look of excitement, what with the masks and all, but you can certainly sense it, or something. Or maybe it’s not so much a sense of excitement as it is a heart-accelerating sugar buzz. My nephew fills his face with so much candy on Halloween night that he gets an uber-crazy look in his eyes, like Gary Busey at an oxygen bar. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s for the kids. When it comes right down to it, just about everything we do is for the kids, right? So in keeping with that spirit, here’s the Week 9 Matchups. And remember, I’m doing it for the kids….
Boston College at Wake Forest- Lately, I've been starting these off with a quiz. Many of you have expressed your displeasure, so let's keep it going. Which of the following were nicknames for Wake Forest before Demon Deacons? A) Tigers B) Baptists C) Old Gold & Black D) Gumps E) All of the above, except one
Answer: E)
LSU at Tennessee- Hey kids, it's the annual "Test the Tint control on your televison" game. See if you can adjust your set to show off the bright lemon yellow of LSU, the bright nuclear glow orange of Tennessee, and the dingy grey of Brent Musberger's personality all at the same time!
Falcons at Lions- I've said it before and I'll say it again; Ron Mexico is by far, hands down, the greatest herpes-infected quarterback in the history of the NFL.
Bengals at Ravens- Bob Bratkowski, I'd like to introduce you to Rudi Johnson. He's a tough, nifty running back who has put up back-to-back 1500 yard seasons and the Bengals are 24-0 when he carries the ball at least 25 times. SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT GIVING HIM THE FUCKING BALL A LITTLE MORE, OKAY!?!?
Cowboys at Redskins- Okay, here's the official word on Tony Romo's deal with the devil: One great season with a 2 to 1 touchdown to interception ratio in return for Tony's soul, his first born son, and an autographed game-worn home jersey.
Packers at Bills- If both teams decided to skip the game & just go fishing for the afternoon, would anyone really notice?
Texans at Giants- I think it's great that Tiki Barber has decided to retire after this season & go out on his own terms. Most people forget that the average life expectancy for an African American midget is only about 35 years, so if he wants to do something different with his remaining few years, I say more power to him.
Chiefs at Rams- St. Louis was recently named the most dangerous city in America, knocking Detroit out of the top spot for the first time since like 1903. Makes sense when you consider that St. Louis is the patron saint of plea bargains and vendettas.
Dolphins at Bears- Have you ever looked at the calendar & realized that you have a proctologist appointment coming up in a few days? Well, that's the same feeling the Dolphins have right about now. They know it's going to be uncomfortable, mildly painful, a bit embarassing, and just hoping to come out of it without any rectal bleeding.
Vikings at Niners- Speaking of rectal bleeding. How about that showing by the Vikes last Monday night? On the bright side, this week they get to play the NFL equivalent of KY Jelly.
Saints at Bucs- Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Bruce Gradkowski falling back to earth!
Titans at Jaguars- Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Browns at Chargers- You think Marty Schottenheimer is going to look across the field and become awash in memories of his days in Cleveland? Remembering times like when Ernest Byner fumbled the 1988 season away, or when John Elway orchestrated The Drive and kept the Browns out of Super Bowl XXI, or when one night when he was nestled all snug in his bed, some 250 miles south, in Oxford, Ohio his daughter was having drunken monkey sex with my college roommate?
Broncos at Steelers- Just for the record, I've got Week 11 in the "When Will Cowher Pull Big Ben and Start Charlie Batch" pool.
Colts at Patriots- Yep, there's no use denying it, Tom Brady is the man...
Monday Night
Raiders at Seahawks-
Just in case you have any doubts about the curse...
So I went to see Spamalot last weekend. I know what you’re thinking- “Hey, that’s a Broadway musical. You’re gay!” Uh, yeah but it’s also Monty Python, so Hey, no I’m fucking not! The works of Monty Python are a testimony to what brilliant and creative minds can accomplish when they’re given the freedom & resources to take as much drugs as humanly possible. Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes up with dialogue like “ I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” without being hopped-up on a wonderful angel dust-mushroom cocktail. The adaptation for the stage was great. It followed the basic premise of The Holy Grail but branched off a few times to include new scenes and an alternate ending, all of which allowed for the addition of a few more cast members. What kind of cast members? Hot chicks! That's right- hot freakin’, long-legged, big-boobed, beautiful non-British, high-kicking, scantily-clad women, dressed in everything from cheerleader outfits to bikinis to bustierres! I'm telling you, it was Monty Python with hot chicks! This is right up there with peanut butter & jelly, steak & lobster, Donny & Marie, er, whatever. Add in the fact that there was hard liquor available in the lobby & I have just two words to sum-up the evening. Good times.
And it got me to thinking. There were only two things missing that could have made the night perfect: A) an intermission hummer from Mama Squintz, and B) a late-night NFL game as a nightcap. But since I knew that Mama S. was already tied up over at Matt’s house and the NFL doesn’t schedule Saturday night games, I had to settle for an intermission consisting only of friendly conversation and a nightcap of SNL and a slightly sick, not-so-slightly snoring wife. So, why no Saturday Night NFL action? I’m sure ABC would bid on that one. Maybe even Spike TV or Comedy Central. Comedy Central would be fantastic. I can see it now, "Join us every Saturday at 10pm for Saturday Night Football Fever right here on Comedy Central!" Hire Don Criqui & Beasley Reese to be the broadcast team and dress ‘em in white disco suits. Then hire a couple comedians who’s bread & butter is making fun of people, say, Geoffrey Rusch and Patrice O'Neal, and let them provide the commentary over-top of Criqui & Reese. They can hear Don & Beasley but Don & Beasley can’t hear them. Add Jessica Simpson as a sideline reporters & we’ve got gold, baby!
Of course, you’d have to find a way to isolate Criqui and the Beeze so they wouldn’t find out about it, otherwise you’d be one-and-done, right? How to do that, how to do that....I know! - you tell 'em that they're the stars of a new reality show that features two football announcers living together with no contact to the outside world for the entire season. Give them all the stats & game film they need but don’t let them watch tv, read newspapers, call home, just like on Big Brother. Their egos are big enough, they’d probably believe that there are people would actually want to see something like this. Give it a name, like, um, Isolation Booth. Tell ‘em it airs Monday nights on Comedy Central & even let them read fake promos for it during the games. It’s brilliant! I’m brilliant! Ain’t I brilliant?! Ahh, I can hear it now…
Criqui: Welcome back. Don Cruqui and Beasley Reese here at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, where the Rams are holding onto a fourteen to ten lead over the Tennessee Titans. Titans have it, first and ten from their own thirty four yard line. Vince Young back to pass…and he delivers a fastball to his tight end! That should be enough for a first down.
Rush: Would somebody please tell Criqui that this is football, not baseball. There’s pretty much just one way to throw a football- fast & on a line. What was he expecting, a backdoor slider?
Beasley: Nice job of the tight end to get separation from the defender. Look on the replay right here…he gave him a little shove & said “Get outta my way” hahahaha.
O'Neal: Is that what he said Beasley? Really? You heard that from the booth? Shut the fuck up.
Criqui: Oh, and it looks like we have an injured Ram down on the field.
Rush: Did he just say “an injured ram”?
O'Neal: Baaaaa. Baaaaa. Help me, my hoof is broken, Baaaaa!
Criqui: Looks like it’s number fifty one.
Rush: Criqui has no idea who number fifty one is. I’m sure he’s checking the media guide right now. Let’s wait…one….two…three….
Criaui: Wil Witherspoon is the injured Ram on the field and it looks as if it might be some kind of hip flexor.
O'Neal: Now how the fuck does he know that?! What is he, a bad announcer and a bad doctor? Hey, let me diagnose some shit. That guy has a menstrual cramp, Beasley’s got anal warts, and Criqui’s suffering from severe dimensia.
Rush: Patrice, whaddya say we check-in with our sideline reporter, Jessica Simpson? Hey Jessica, tell us, how’s Mark Bulger doing?
Jessica: That’s the Rams quarterback, right?
Rush: Uh, yes.
Jessica: Oh, okay. Well, they say he has a con..a con... a commussion. I mean, a combustion.
Rush: Huh?
Jessica: I mean, a contusion.
Rush: What?
Jessica: You know, a contusion. Like his head hurts really bad.
O'Neal: You mean a concussion?
Jessica: Yeah! That’s when you have a really bad headache, right?
O'Neal: No, that’s a migraine. A concussion is when you’re jogging and your boobs hit you in the head.
Rush: Hey Patrice, Criqui’s talking about his fake show…
Criqui: While we’re waiting for the medical staff to help the injured player, let me remind you that you can catch the latest episode of Isolation Booth this Monday at eight right here on Comedy Central. In this week’s episode, yours truly hides Beasley’s toothbrush and the hilarity ensues. Don’t miss the next episode of Isolation Booth, Mondays at eight on Comedy Central.
O'Neal: That shit kills me every time.
Okay, I’ve gotta get this out in memo form before I forget. But first, on with the Week 8 Matchups…
Syracuse at Cincinnati- Okay, have you seen the slate of college games this week? It was either go with the home town boys or an Ivy League contest and I’m saving my Ivy League token for the Harvard-Yale battle.
USC at Oregon State- You didn't think I'd leave out the annual Trojans-Beavers battle, did you? And for what it's worth, my guess is that the Trojans offense will penentrate the Beavers defense and explode all over them. Too juvenile? No. Okay then. By the way, I know you've all seen the USC cheerleaders in their white sweaters. But have you seen them at the beach?
You're welcome.
Cardinals at Packers- Denny Green's bunch turns in an historic Monday Night choke-job against the Bears, follows that up with a loss to the hopeless Raiders (the RAIDERS!) and now they're headed to Green Bay. If they fall to the crappy Pack, I know one big black teddy bear who's gonna need a lot of blueberry waffles to dull the pain.
Falcons at Bengals- The Bengals are becoming extremely hard to figure out. Lots of talent but lots of injuries. Sometimes the defense is very good, sometimes it's mildly horrible. They're like the crazy chick that every guy dates for a little while at least once in his life. The one who paints her nails black, collects abstract art, still listens to The Cure, and likes to dress up like Xena & go to Midevil festivals. You're never sure exactly what you're gonna get with a girl like that. She might simply darken the room and light some patchouli, she might whip out some handcuffs and a ball-gag, or, she might fall into a state of desperate manic depression, lock herself in the bathroom, slit her wrists and write some cryptic message on the wall in her own blood. It's real crapshoot, really.
Ravens at Saints- Okay, at the count of three we'll all wake up and the Saints will be crappy again, just like they're supposed to be. One, two, ....
Texans at Titans- Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the latest Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Jaguars at Eagles- Apparently Donovan McNabb suffered through another bout of vomiting during last week’s game in Tampa. Is it just me or have I heard this story at least twelve other times? Dude is always barking at the ground. Mark my words, someday we’re gonna see this news headline….
Seahawks at Chiefs- Nope, no Madden Curse whatsoever.
Niners at Bears- Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Urlacher!
Bucs at Giants- I know a lot of people like this Bruce Gradkowski kid. Gruden likes him ‘cause he’s tougher than Chris Simms. And he’s right, he is tougher than Chris Simms. So is a bowl of vanilla pudding but I’m not gonna put it under-center. Let’s not forget that Brucey G is a terrible roughing the passer penalty and a miracle 62-yard field goal away from being 0-3 since taking over. Excuse me for not getting on the bandwagon yet but I like my quarterbacks over 6-ft tall and non-Polish, thank you.
Rams at Chargers- Shawne Merriman doesn’t want you to judge him on the latest news that he tested positive for steroids. His agent wants you to know that it was caused by a tainted nutritional supplement, not by shooting-up in some dark alley. I want them both to know that the commissioner is going to suspend Shawne for six games. Four for the steroid use, one for treating the fans like we’re stupid, and one for having the useless “e” on the end of his name.
Colts at Broncos- Warning to Jake Plummer: Backup Quarterbacks In Your Rear View Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear.
Jets at Browns- It is my sincere pleasure to introduce the new New York Jets flag girls....
Steelers at Raiders- In the last three months, Ben Slothlisberger has had a motorcycle accident which resulted in a broken jaw, loss of teeth, and various contusions. He’s also suffered two concussions, and has had to have his appendix removed. Yep, I’d say my voodoo doll is working just fine.
Cowboys at Panthers- Okay Coach Parcells, let me have a look at your chart. Hmmm…you’re borderline morbidly obese, you work for an overbearing owner who likes to sit-in on your meetings, you have to deal with a rabid and increasingly unhappy fan base, a rabid and increasingly unhappy wide receiver, and now you’re going with an unexperienced quarterback…. Do you want me to schedule your double-bypass now, or would you like to check your schedule?
Monday Night
Patriots at Vikings- Did somebody say Vikings? And Spam?...
