Sep 2, 2013
Paradise Plunge, a Rolling Dumpster Fire, The Dirt Squirrel Defense, Zoe the SeaGal, John Travolta, Capt Munnerlyn, Lee Corso, Michael Corleone, and a Curly Hair in your Lentil Soup
So I was with the family at Kings Island’s Soak City water park today. My oldest daughter and I wait in line for one of the water slides and after about fifteen minutes with the sun beating down on us, we’re finally to the top of the platform and ready to go down Paradise Plunge. Only, um, not quite. You see, high school girl #1 working at the top of the slides gets a call from high school girl #2 at the bottom of the slides and now we have a problem. You see, high school girl #1 thinks that (about twenty seconds ago) she sent two people together down the four-slide ride but high school girl #2 thinks she only saw one person splash down at the bottom. So where did the other person go? Well, they either fell off to their death (sadly, no, because that would’ve been a quick discovery) or they slipped past high school girl #2 who was daydreaming about Cody or Jacob or Brandon or Brody, or there’s someone stuck (and just how the fuck could that happen?) on one of the slides. Now, just to make sure that they don’t send someone down and into someone who is mysteriously stuck and/or wounded (and presumably also both a moron and over 400 lbs), they have to send a search party of paramedics down the slides to take a look-see.
It’s during that ten minute exploration that I remember something I somehow keep forgetting in-between annual trips to the waterpark--- Waterparks are horrible places. The concept seems awesome. Water slides, wave pools, inner tubes, lazy rivers, girls in bikinis, kids splashing and having fun in the sun….AWESOME! Every year, everyone is excited about going, excited when we get there, but when it’s time to leave, I just feel hot, tired, and my faith in the human race has been utterly destroyed. My wife says it’s a great place to “people watch” to which I say “Sure, if you like to watch a bunch of people a class below carnival workers get mostly naked and then share the same chlorinated bath tub with you.”
Now don’t get me wrong, there are always some nice “distractions” at the water park and the slides can also give you a thrill but these positives are grossly overshadowed and literally outweighed by the ghastly sights you are subjected to during your visit. Oh, and did I mention that it was Dollar Day at the park? That means hot dogs, soda, popcorn, ice cream, etc. all for just $1.00 today. Great, right? NO, NOT GREAT. What that means is the number of positive “distractions” remains the same but the lines are longer and the number of bad tattoos, nose rings, dudes with nipple rings, zit backs, fur backs, fat gingers, grannies in bikinis and big girls with gunts increases exponentially. It’s horrifying. At one point in the day, my ten year old and I spent almost ten solid minutes studying what seemed to be a six-foot tall, 275 lb man with a half-finished back tattoo of (I think) Iron Man’s mask, a receding hair line, a small braided pony tail with a frilly black bow tied to it, men’s swim trunks and a woman’s bikini top, complete with an extender so it would properly clasp and thus not melt the faces of anyone standing in front of "It". We still aren’t sure if it was male or female and I’m willing to give $20 to anyone who also saw this creature and can confirm it’s gender to us. Now I’m no Adonis and it’s pretty safe to say that no woman within six rounds of making it to the finals of the Miss Middle of Nowhere pageant would consider me a “treat” to gaze at in my swim trunks but at the water park, I’m like a Smokey and the Bandit-era Burt Reynolds in a wave pool of Clint Howards.
I hate the water park. I truly do. But I guarantee you that my hatred will be dulled over the next ten to twelve months and somehow, inexplicably, I will be momentarily excited to pack up the family and go there again next summer. And when I do, I predict that within the first fifteen minutes, I will see, smell and hear things that will make me weep for our future and question my own sanity. Again. I guess it’s kinda what it must feel like to be a Brown’s fan at this time of the year. Ha! You didn’t think I forgot this was a football blog, did ya’? Hell no, and fuck yeah, football’s back! Stay away from the water park but grab yourself an inner tube and let’s head down the lazy river that is my Fearless and Baseless 2013 NFL Predictions!….
New York Jets- J-E-T-S, Suck, SUCK, SUCK!!! The only question here is whether the post mortem of their season will be classified as a “train wreck”, a “dumpster fire”, or a “rolling dumpster fire”. Good luck Sexy Rexy, you fat fucktard.
Buffalo Bills- I have two questions about the Bills… 1)Who’s coaching this team and 2) Who is their quarterback?
Alyssa Milano and Emmanuel Lewis?
Oh, Doug Marrone and EJ Manuel. Oh, okay. Never heard of them. Oh wait, I do have one more question… Is CJ Spiller injured yet?
Miami Dolphins- The Fins have a new logo and new duds. They took away the dolphin wearing the football helmet and replaced it with a fresher, sleeker-looking dolphin that unfortunately looks more like it belongs on a brochure for a Florida beach resort than on an NFL helmet. If this was 2001, these would definitely be the second best uniforms in the XFL. Instead of a new logo, they should’ve went shopping for a new offensive line.
Prediction: 9-7 and a Wildcard
New England Patriots- In the span of a few weeks, Belichick cut from the roster a murderer (allegedly) and Jesus’ little brother (presumably).
As long as he has Tom Brady and some fresh hoodies, he should be okay.
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
Philadelphia Eagles- They have a head coach named Chip and a GM named Howie. Chip and Howie sounds like a pair that should be running a malt shop in 1957 rather than a modern day NFL franchise. But the Chip here is Chip Kelly who was the offensive genius behind the Oregon Ducks for the past several years and the Howie is Howie Roseman who’s a Jew (right?) and thus obviously great with money (kidding... er, not really, that's a compliment), so I am all-in on these guys. Well, maybe after a year or two of finding the right players.
New York Giants- Their offensive line and linebacker groups seem to have more holes than the plot of a Tyler Perry movie and the injuries are already mounting. Tom Coughlin will likely take his familiar spot on the hot seat by Oct 4 but will also likely be back off of it by mid-December. The Giants will benefit from a quirky schedule that has them at home or on a bye from Oct 11 to Dec 1. Not to start any conspiracy theories but need I remind you where this year’s Super Bowl is being played?
Dallas Cowboys- Tony Romo is now the oldest (33), the richest, sometimes the best, and sometimes the worst player on this football team. Those are five legitimate reasons for Cowboy fans to be a little bit scared this season.
What? Only four?
Oh, my bad. The fifth reason: Jerry Jones’ Silly Putty face.
Prediction: 11-5 and a Wildcard
Washington Redskins- RG III returning PDQ with a healthy ACL is the A #1 isue for DC in 2013 if they hope to get to SB XLVIII.
As long as RG stands for Robert Griffin instead of Really Gimpy, Mike Shannahan and his oversized dentures should be wearing the NFC East crown again this season.
It’s a really cool crown and I hear it’s made out of a mix of gold, cashews and some of Pat Summeral’s ass sweat gathered up and collected in over a half dozen vials by a young Jim Nantz back in 1989.
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
Oakland Raiders- Just how bad are this year’s version of the Raiders? The Kanye West-Kim Kardashian spawn has a better chance of growing up to be a well-adjusted young woman than the Raiders do of winning five games this season. Miley Cyrus has a better chance of being asked to perform on the K-Love Christian Music Awards show than the Raiders do of winning four games this season. NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has a better chance of getting caught sexting again than the Raiders do of winning three games this season.
What’s that? What now? Seriously? A few weeks ago? Well, okay then.
San Diego Chargers- No more Norv Turner to mess things up in The Whale’s Vagina but also no more is their once deep & talented roster.
Now it’s just shallow and questionable, kinda like Mama Squintz’ vagina.
Kansas City Chiefs- Andy Reid is in the barbecue capital of the world. This should escalate his expiration date rather quickly, don’tcha think?
Despite going just 2-14 last season, this team (like Andy Reid’s plate at a picnic) is fucking loaded. If they can avoid a rash of injuries like they endured last season, not have any more players commit murder-suicides, and if Alex Smith proves to be competent, they have a really good chance of Andy Reid mismanaging the clock late in the season so that they just barely miss making the playoffs.
Denver Broncos- So let’s see, what’s happened with the Donkeys since Manning played like shit and the defense allowed a ridiculous prayer by Joe Flacco to beat them in the playoffs last season? Well, they’ve added Wes Welker, got fucked by a fax machine and lost Elvis Dumervil, and now Von Miller has been suspended six games for taking a banned substance. If Miller even tries to claim that it was an accident, it’s bullshit. Have you seen the size of the glasses that muthafucka wears? He could stand on the 50 yard line at Invesco Field and read the ingredients on a can of Tang on the space shuttle with those lenses. But he is freaky good and so are the Broncos, if they can keep Manning healthy.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winners
Arizona Cardinals- Two words; Carson. Palmer.
St. Louis Rams- Last season, the Rams were the youngest team in the league and their defense (bet you didn’t know this) finished tied with Denver for most sacks in the league with 52. If the defense continues to improve, I simply ask, nay, I demand, that they all grow kick ass mustaches like their head coach and dub themselves the Dirt Squirrel Defense.
San Fransisco 49ers- Damn the Niners! Damn them straight to hell!! If Kaeperdick gets injured, and he will, Colt McCoy is the backup this season. Prediction: 10-6 and a Wildcard
Seattle Seahawks- Scary-good defense, Beast-mode running back, Freaky-smart and nimble young quarterback, Ridiculous home field advantage, and quite possibly the hottest cheerleader in the league (link below).
Prediction: 13-3 and Division Winners
Cleveland Browns- What do you get when you combine an already good and improving defense with an offense led by Brandon Weeden? It’s like ordering surf & turf and the waiter brining you a plate with lobster tails and raccoon meat.
Pittsburgh Steelers- The Black & Gold are getting old and have a lot of question marks. You could say they’re the NFL equivalent of John Travolta. Now I’m not saying that I’m questioning the Stillers sexuality, religion or their hairline but there are some questions.
Baltimore Ravens- I have a hunch that Ray Lewis will not adjust well to retirement. By Week 5, I expect him to show up at Ravens headquarters asking to rejoin the team only to be told by Coach Harbaugh to go back home and relax while Flacco peers over Coach’s shoulder, says, "Get out of here, Ray, this is my team now!", puts the tip of his thumb on the tip of his nose, sticks his tongue out and wiggles his other four fingers at Ray-Ray. A few days later, a limo will pull up alongside Flacco as he’s entering a Subway in downtown Baltimore, a few large men will get out, a few minutes later will get back in the limo, leaving Flacco on the sidewalk . A knife will be tossed, bloodstained clothes burned, stories collaborated, yada-yada-yada… Ray-Ray is back, Tyrod Taylor is in at QB and “using his feet” to make plays.
Prediction: 10-6 and a Wildcard
Cincinnati Bengals- Quick queston: If the Bengals went out and got a redheaded Center to pair with Dalton, would every offensive play be considered a Ginger Snap?
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
Minnesota Vikings- The Vikes changed their unis (kinda) and somehow still cannot get their jersey and helmet to be the same shade of purple. How hard can that be? Maybe Nike should get a fashion designer on retainer for problems like this. A couple Lady Gaga concert tickets & a gift card to Banana Republic and this problem could be rectified in five minutes. Another more serious problem for the Vikings is their mismatched offense. They have the top tailback in the league who came within a few yards of the single season rushing record taking handoffs from a quarterback who tossed exactly zero (Zero!) touchdowns of over twenty yards last season. I’m not a fantasy football guy but I’m assuming that means Minnesota has the best fantasy running back and the worst fantasy quarterback, amiright? Speaking of fantasy football, couldn’t we come up with a better name? Fantasy? Really? When you say Fantasy Football, I assume there are a bunch of former D&D players drafting quarterbacks, tailbacks, wideouts, wizards and warlocks with extra points for stealing the other team’s unicorn or something.
Detroit Lions- Megatron, Stafford, Suh, Fairley and a bunch of guys they bought from Les over at American Jewelry and Loan over on Five Mile.
Chicago Bears- Jay Cutler was hurried, hit and knocked on his ass constantly last season. So how did the Bears choose to solve that problem? The obvious way, by having two rookies start at RG and RT this season. My guess is that by Week 4, Cutler will have been knocked down so much, his new nickname will be Six Pin. And in an effort to save his life, Roger Goodell will demand that he wear a “DANGER: CONTENTS UNDER EXTREME PRESSURE” sticker on both sides of his helmet. This will likely confuse oncoming rushers and give him some extra time to find wide open cornerbacks.
Green Bay Packers- Last season everyone said “If only the Packers had a running game, they’d be unstoppable.” So they go out and draft not just the best college running back but the TWO BEST college running backs yet no one is putting them into the mix for the Super Bowl. Just sayin’.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winners
Jacksonville Jaguars- Here we have yet another team with a uniform change this season. Nice try Jags but now you’re just a horrible team in a new uniform that looks even shittier than your old one. Unless the Jags change their colors to Blue & Red, put a steer head with a Paul Stanley from KISS star on its eye and stitch “TEXANS” on their jerseys, they’re not winning this division. Why? Two reasons…1) They have no talent, and 2) Blaine Gabbert is their quarterback. I surveyed thirty voices inside my head and asked them to complete the following sentence: “Blaine Gabbert is _______.” Here were the top responses…
Blaine Gabbert is one year away from the CFL
Blaine Gabbert is virtually undraftable by a non-meth addict at a fantasy football draft
Blaine Gabbert is a wasted first round draft pick
Blaine Gabbert is a nice guy with beautiful flowing golden locks
Blaine Gabbert is going to lose his job to Chad Fucking Henne
and my favorite…
Blaine Gabbert is the curly hair found floating in Jacksonville’s horrible lentil soup offense
Tennessee Titans- Hands down the most anonymous, non-descript, unexciting team in the league for the past few seasons. You hardly ever hear about them, they’re hardly ever on national television, I don’t know anyone who really likes them (outside of Tennessee) or hates them, never see anyone rocking their gear…. They do just enough not to get laughed at for sucking and not enough to get much attention. They’re numbers are o…k… but just ok enough to keep anyone from getting canned. They’re kinda like the NFL equivalent of Bones or Castle. What’s that? Exactly.
Indianapolis Colts- Andrew Luck is going to win the Super Bowl. Someday. Not this season. Probably not next season either, but someday.
Houston Texans- I don’t know if you can say the Texans window of opportunity is closing but it’s certainly been wide open the past couple seasons and they haven’t been able to crawl through despite having the best defensive player in the AFC (JJ Watt), the best wideout in the AFC (Andre Johnson) and the best running back in the AFC (Arian Foster). Maybe it’s because Matt Schaub looks more like a fry cook at Steak n’ Shake than a franchise quarterback.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winners
Carolina Panthers- I think that kid warming up on the playground & talking shit got into Cam Newton’s head a little bit last season. Once he got over it, he played like a champ down the stretch. The trouble is, opposing quarterbacks play like champs EVERY SUNDAY against the Panthers defense. For fuck’s sake, their starting cornerbacks are Drayton Florence and Captain Munnerlyn, who sounds less like a starting cornerback in the NFL and more like a cheap rum you’d buy off the shelves at Meijer to mix up cocktails for a party when your wife’s friends are coming over.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I like this team. I really like this team. But I still can’t pick them to make the playoffs. For me, they’re like that item on the menu that is a little unique, you haven’t tried it before, it sounds great, you like almost everything about it but something tells you to just get the fish n chips and call it a day. I like their coach, I like Doug Martin, I like Josh Freeman, I like that they picked up Darrelle Revis, I like their revamped offensive line…. Ugh… I’m going to regret this.
Atlanta Falcons- To quote Denny Green, “Now if you want to crown them, crown their ass!” To quote Lee Corso, “Not so fast, my friend.” To quote every old cop in a buddy cop movie, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” I am not ready to crown the Falcons, Lee Corso scares me, and at some point in the season both Tony Gonzalez and Stephen Jackson are going to find themselves nursing injuries in the cold tub and sounding like the older buddy cop.
New Orleans Saints- Coach Peyton is back from his year long suspension. Kinda reminds me of when Michael Corleone came back from Sicily. There is going to be some serious SHIT going down in Voodoo Town this season! It’s gonna make the Valentine’s Day Massacre look like a kid’s party in a bouncy house. By the way, they HAVE to do a Hard Knocks season in New Orleans next season, right? I want to see it just to find out if when Coach Peyton cuts a guy he says, “There's a car outside that will take you to the airport. I'll call your wife and tell her what flight you're on.” I’ll be on the couch yelling at the tv “Don’t get in the car! Don’t get in the car!”
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winners
AFC Championship: Texans at Broncos
NFC Championship: Packers at Seahawks
Super Bowl: Broncos vs Seahawks
Super Bowl Champs: Broncos
Sep 9, 2012
Suri Cruise, Gangnam Style, Real World Chicago, Ric Flair, Rachel Starr, Minka Kelly, a Sexy Pick, a Full Bodied Merlot, Anal Fissures and Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!
So, I don't know about you but the start of the NFL season has really sneaked up on me. I feel like I'm Suri Cruise and Week 1 is the fucking paparazzi. One minute I'm celebrating my 5th birthday with (half of) my family, a dozen or so extras posing as friends, a couple of clowns/out of work actors thinking this could be their big break, just eating some cake and unwrapping yet another L. Ron Hubbard plush toy when all of a sudden flash bulbs start going off like shells bombarding an embankment at Hamburger Hill. All the adults race for cover, tables of the finest catered vegetarian cuisine get upturned, glass is shattering all around as my bodyguard tosses me over his shoulder and my quaint $150,000 party suddenly looks like the wedding reception scene from GnR's November Rain video. Where in the hell is a Level 6 Thetan when a girl needs one?!!!
I don’t know, maybe it’s been the Reds ridiculously kick-ass Votto-less run over the past couple months, or the constant rhetoric from both sides of the Presidential campaign, or our ridiculously busy schedule chasing after our two girls and all their extra-curriculars, or my weird addiction to the Ski Resort iTunes app, or the tens of thousands of brain cells I lost while in a trance listening to Gangnam Style on a continuous loop for eight straight days (oddly fucking fantastic), but for whatever the reason, my attention has been anywhere but on the NFL since draft day back in April. Apparently a lot has happened since then. To get you (and me) caught up, here’s a taste of what’s gone down….
Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Saints head coach Sean Payton, former Saints now St Louis Rams defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, and three-fourths of the people living in the French Quarter in conjunction with the Bounty Scandal.
The Colts drafted Andrew Luck
Peyton Manning signed with the Broncos
Tebow was traded from the Broncos to the Jets
Mark Sanchez’ sphincter tightened a bit
The Seahawks signed Matt Flynn… then demoted him
RG3 and his super cool socks are in DC
The Dolphins were on HBO’s Hard Knocks
Chad Johnson was on HBO’s Hard Knocks… and then in a cop car, in jail overnight, and now unemployed
Jeff Fisher and his ‘stache are now coaching the Rams
Art Modell is taking his final dirt nap
Randy Moss is a 49er
Vincent Jackson is now a puffy-shirted Buccaneer
Mario Williams is now in Buffalo
Cedric Benson is in Green Bay
Drew Brees finally signed a contract extension
Maurice Jones Drew finally reported to camp, without a contract extension
The Seahawks unis got the Nike treatment
And, the NFL referees are on strike
Now that’s your basic 1,000 ft overview and only brings me mildly up to speed on the start of this 2012 NFL season. To really get in the know and be prepared to offer my annual predictions, I now need to start scouring the web, watching the NFL Network, consulting the Vegas lines, watching some game film and basically just immersing myself in the NFL universe for the next several days. As soon as my research is complete, I will report back and ---- Shit, almost got through that with a straight face. Did I have you going? Really? Wow, have we just met? Fuck that noise, I’m going to do what I always do. Without further ado, here are my fearless, baseless, careless and extremely biased predictions for the upcoming NFL season. And as always, I reserve the right to go back and edit this post as the season progresses to make myself look like a genius. The way I see it, nothin’ lasts forever, not my predictions, or even cold November Rain. (You see how I did that? Fuck yeah, you did.)
Green Bay Packers- Remember last summer when the Colts were seen as a good bet to contend for the AFC title despite having a horrible defense? Remember when Peyton Manning had to have surgery on his neck and then the Colts went 1-15? Well, what happens if Aaron Rodgers was to go down and the Packers would have to rely on their 32nd ranked defense (that’s out of a possible 32) to keep them in ballgames so that backup QB Graham Harrell could pull off some late game magic?
Prediction: Rodgers bounces his throwing hand off a Texans helmet in week 6 and they go 6-10.
Detroit Lions- Their passing game is great when Stafford is healthy but their secondary is so abysmal that every game winds up looking like a Philadelphia Soul/Arizona Rattlers Arena League game. So how did they fix this problem? By signing cornerback Jacob Lacey (who?) and drafting corners in rounds 3, 5 and 6 from Louisiana-Lafayette, Albion College, and New Mexico State. Um, did Matt Millen take over as their GM again when I wasn’t looking?
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Chicago Bears- Anticipating the Aaron Rodgers injury, I really expected to anoint the Monsters of the Midway as heir to the NFC North throne but much like the chick sitting alone at the end of the bar at 2:18am, the Bears get a lot more sketchy as you move in for a closer look. They still have serious offensive line issues, their star receiver is one missing item on his drive-thru order away from snapping back into being a menace to society, their evil genius offensive coordinator has moved on, their best player (Urlacher) has knee issues and declared last week that he’ll never be the same again, and their quarterback is a proven interception machine who is married to a chick famous for starring on a fake reality show. There’s just too much that can go wrong. The Bears have about as much opportunity for disaster as a newly assembled Real World cast.
Minnesota Vikings- The good news is that thanks to Jared Allen, the Vikes were #1 in the league with 50 sacks. The bad news is that all that pressure on opposing quarterbacks resulted in the Vikes getting just 8 interceptions all season (last in the league). One might say that with the possible exception of the Kardashian sisters, there’s not a more talentless group than the Vikings secondary.
One other thing that bothers me is their quarterback. Not so much his ability (although the jury’s still out there) as much as his first name- Christian. Like Christian Slater, Christian Bale and Christian Dior, Christian Ponder is named after a religious follower. What’s weird is that it’s the only denomination that’s done with, right? Do you know anyone named after another religion? That’d be weird. Imagine we’re at a cocktail party… “Hey Christian, come over here, I’d like to introduce you to some of my buddies. Christian Ponder, this is Jew Klein. Over here is Presbyterian Jones, Agnostic Daniels, Buddhist Phillips, Mormon Smith, and this crazy guy here is Scientology Travolta. Oh, fellas, let’s move outside, I just saw Jehovah’s Witness Johnson walk in.”
New Orleans Saints- What a mess. Coaches are suspended, players are suspended… Drew Brees finally renegotiated his contract and will now be throwing passes to rookies, cheerleaders and a couple beer vendors. Normally that would be a problem but we’re talking about DREW FUCKING BREES, motherfuckers!
Atlanta Falcons- Julio Jones, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez and their QB is the coolest Ginger in the pocket this side of Andy Dalton.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Carolina Panthers- Watching Cam Newton play is like watching a big cat hunting a few pussy-ass antelope. At first it’s exciting, then disturbing, then a bit strangely erotic, and always best when paired with a nice full-bodied merlot.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I’m not going to say that the Bucs quit on head coach Raheem Morris last season but I will say that I haven’t seen that many spiritless people walking around a field since the season one finale of The Walking Dead. Now Raheem’s out, Schiano’s in and they’ll probably still suck, just now with some effort behind all the sucking. Kinda like the difference between a POV BJ video starring an amateur and a POV BJ video starring Rachel Starr. I think I’ve said too much.
New York Giants- The Giants had the league’s worst running game last season and were able to muster just four rushes over 20 yards all season. Okay you say, well that just goes to show that in this era of the NFL, the run game isn’t nearly as important as the passing game. Well… the Super Bowl Champion Giants also had the 29th ranked pass defense. Whaaaa? That makes me as confused as Eli Manning looks.
Dallas Cowboys- A wise man with flowing blonde locks and tight spandex shorts once said, “If you wanna be the man, you gotta beat the man!” Well, the Cowboys just beat the Giants in Giants Stadium to kickoff the season. Right now they’re stylin’ and profilin’ and WOOO!
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Philadelphia Eagles- I know that Andy Reid is mostly highly regarded but outside of one Super Bowl appearance in thirteen years, donning Hawaiian shirts on each & every draft day, and managing to move his weight steadily up the charts and now into Orwellian territory, what has he really accomplished?
Prediction: 10-6 I was gonna say 8-8 but then figured that Andy could probably find one more in his mustache and another one hidden away in one of the fat rolls standing between him and ever being able to see his own penis again.
Washington Redskins- Sounds like everyone in the Nation’s Capital is giddy with excitement over RG3 donning the burgundy & yella. I’d be excited, too. It sounds like they just added a freakishly unstoppable droid to their squad. You know, I wish I could’ve been there for the meeting to decide the marketing plan for him.
Do we call him, Robert Griffin?
No, too boring.
Should he go with Robert Griffin the Third?
Not bad, but let’s keep going.
Nah, sounds like he’s in a boy band.
How about Bob Griffin?
Bleh, Bob Griffin sounds like a white guy who owns a tire store.
Bobby Griffin? Eh… not bad but just not exciting enough.
Come on people, think!
Oh, how about Fuckface McGee?
Nope, already been done.
Roberto Griffin Tres?
Ooh, how about Professor Gryffindor?
You’re fired. Put down your veggie wrap and leave now. Anyone else?
Well, we could just go with something simple yet catchy like RG3.
Brilliant! Why is the Asian guy the only one who ever comes up with anything good? Do I even need the rest of you dumbasses? Get out.
San Francisco 49ers- The Niners had a +28 turnover ratio last season. Mainly because Alex Smith threw just five interceptions. And that was mainly because they just had him hand the ball to Frank Gore. Now they’ve added wideouts Randy Moss & Mario Manningham to go with Michael Crabtree & Vernon Wilson and seem prepared to mix in some more of the passing game. If I know Alex Smith like you know Alex Smith, more pass attempts means more interceptions, means a worse turnover ratio, means fewer wins, means a happier me.
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!
Seattle Seahawks- Coming off a strong finish last season and boasting the league’s 9th ranked defense, the Seahawks are no less than an interesting team to watch in 2012. Sure, they’re starting their rookie 3rd round pick at quarterback and sure, Pete Carroll always looks like he’s trying to discreetly scan the room to see if anyone’s on to the fact that he’s just pretending to know what he’s doing, but their defense is no joke. However, please for the love of Christ, stop referring to them, or any other team for that matter, as a “sexy pick”. I’ve heard no less than three fucktards on ESPN Radio refer to the Seahawks as the “sexy pick” this season. A football pick is not sexy. It may be popular, it may be prevalent, you could even make a case that it could be considered trendy, but it is not sexy. And more importantly, no man should ever, EVER, say the word “sexy”. It’s one of those words like “fabulous”, “stupendous” and “scrumptious” that no straight man should ever say. The only exception being if his woman unexpectedly appears in new lingerie asking him what how he thinks she looks. What? Oh, hey Mama Squintz. Um, yeah, wow, that’s sexy. Gotta go.
Arizona Cardinals- I don’t know exactly why but I love this team. They play in a stadium named after a college that doesn’t have a physical campus (it has an e-campus!). Their mascot is a bird that would die within hours of exposure to the desert heat. Their stadium gets overrun by opposing fans at least six times per season. All of that is stupid and/or sucks but they’ve got a really underrated defense, Larry Fitzgerald is a beast and their coach just benched their high-priced free agent quarterback in favor of a guy who played at Fordham and looks like he was raised on Goon Island. That’s balls, right there.
Prediction: 10-6 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
St. Louis Rams- Don’t get me wrong, I love Jeff Fisher and he will turn this team around (after they move back to Los Angeles) but he inherited a steaming pile of raccoon shit. They couldn’t stop anybody on the ground, their one good receiver (Brandon Lloyd) left via free agency, and their franchise quarterback now has the yips after being sacked a league-high 55 times. If I were Fisher, I’d make sure to soak my world class cookie duster in some Makers 46 before each half and pull it down under my bottom lip early and often.
Baltimore Ravens- Ravens owner Art Model died today. That means two things: 1) The Ravens equipment manager is right at this moment feverishly trying to cobble some sort of “A.M.” patch (likely in some generic font like Times New Roman) to put on their stupid purple jerseys this season, and 2) People are partying in Cleveland like Bin Laden has been killed. What? He is? When the fuck did this happen? When? Oh, that must’ve been during those eight days I was entranced by Gangnam Style. Damn that song fucked my world.
Prediction: 11-5 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Pittsburgh Steelers- Best joke I’ve heard this month: A little girl in Pennsylvania asks her mother, “Mommy, why don’t the Steelers have cheerleaders like the other football teams?” Her mom says, “Because our quarterback is a sexual predator and can’t be trusted within 100 yards of a pre-menupausal vagina.” “Mommy, what is a vagina?” “It’s your hoo-hoo.” “Oh. Mommy, what’s pre-menu-mena-menapaozzle?” “Quit asking questions you coal-stained life-sucking little bitch and go play with your fucking Tonka trucks.” I may have heard it a little differently but you get the drift.
Prediction: 10-6 and at least one sexual assault allegation.
Cincinnati Bengals- Seriously, what are the odds that we have both of our major league sports teams make the playoffs in the same season? Exactly.
Cleveland Browns- What do you do if you are #28 in the league in rushing and can only muster a measly four rushing touchdowns the whole season? If you’re the Browns, you take Trent Richardson with the third overall pick in the draft. And because you’re the Browns, before the season even begins, he has to have a second surgery on his left knee within the last six months. Woof! Woof! Woof!
Houston Texans- There are some things not to like about the Texans this season such as losing Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans, Eric Winston, and Jason Allen. But despite those losses, I can sum up in ten words why the Texans will go back to the playoffs in 2012-- The Jacksonville Jaguars, the Tennessee Titans and the Indianapolis Colts (that’s ten, right? One, two, three, four… yeah, ten, good). The Texans in this division is like Minka Kelly in a beauty contest against the cast of Bad Girls Club. What? Who’s Minka Kelly? How dare you.
Prediction: 12-4 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Tennessee Titans- The Titans, as usual, were not especially good at anything last season and they weren’t especially bad at anything. They didn’t lose any notable free agents, they didn’t sign any notable free agents. They didn’t sign a big name draft pick, they didn’t change coaches, no one on the team got into trouble, they didn’t update their uniforms. The only thing they did to make news was promote Jake Locker to starting QB over Matt Hasselbeck. I’m getting sleepy just writing about them.
Prediction: who cares? Ok fine, 6-10
Indianapolis Colts- Count me in as one who believes Andrew Luck is going to be great but when he smiles he reminds you of Sloth from The Goonies, amiright? HEY YOU GUUUUYS!
Jacksonville Jaguars- There are a few things in life that can haunt you for a while, like a bad tattoo, filing bankruptcy, buying a religious artifact from a South American outdoor market, and taking a quarterback in the first round who doesn’t pan out. Blaine Gabbert has approximately eight weeks to start panning out
New England Patriots-
Remember last summer when the Colts were seen as a good bet to contend for the AFC title despite having a horrible defense? Remember when Peyton Manning had to have surgery on his neck and then the Colts went 1-15? Well, what happens if
Aaron Rodgers Tom Brady was to go down and the Packers Patriots would have to rely on their 32nd 31st ranked defense (that’s out of a possible 32) to keep them in ballgames so that backup QB Graham Harrell Ryan Mallet could pull off some late game magic?
Rodgers Brady bounces his throwing hand off a Texans Seahawks helmet in week 6 and they go 6-10
Buffalo Bills- The Bills allowed the fewest sacks in the league last season but tied for worst in interceptions thrown. So let me get this straight…. Their Harvard-educated quarterback had more time to stand in the pocket and scan the field than any other quarterback in the league and the result was interception palooza for sixteen weeks? How is this possible? Wanna know my theory? I think there’s a nest of bed bugs living in Fitzy’s beard that has matriculated a scout team up and into his inner ear and on into his brain where they are currently gnawing on his frontal cortex and establishing a colony based loosely on the teachings of Jean-Jacques Rousseau.
New York Jets- The Jets had just three pass plays over 40 yards last season. Three. Um, if you’re going to call yourself the Jets, you need to either have a feared aerial attack or wear brightly colored uniforms and sing “Crush on You” accompanied by some kick-ass choreography. (BTW, little-known-fact: The Jets were/are Mormons. The band, not the team.) Oh , I almost forgot- J! E! T! S!, Suck! Suck!! Suck!!!
Miami Dolphins- You know, now might be as good a time as any to give a little sneak peek into the science behind my predictions. For the Dolphins, I’ll provide you a rare look at one of the formulas I use, and have been very successful with over the years, in determining the expected level of success for an NFL franchise. Here you go and you’re welcome….
Dumping Tony Sparano +3
#3 Defense +6
Jason Taylor gone -2
Best cheerleaders in the AFC +4
Appearing on Hard Knocks -4
Cutting Chad Johnson on national television +5
Starting a rookie quarterback -3
Rookie quarterback has a white-hot girlfriend +3
Marc Anthony is a minority owner -2
Prediction: 10-6 and Division Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Denver Broncos- Last season, the Donkeys somehow managed to get to the second round of the playoffs while being led by the second biggest fraud to ever be perpetrated on the American people. Now they’ve replaced Tebow with Peyton Manning, so it should stand to reason that they should be able to make even more noise this season, right? With apologies to Lee Corso, Not so fast, my friend. Remember, Denver finished the regular season just 8-8 and would not have made the playoffs if not for the embarrassing futility of the rest of their division. And given the fact that they were outscored by over 80 points during the regular season, they had to have had some kind of magic horseshoe up their ass to even get to 8-8. One thing about magic horseshoes up your ass, leave them up there too long and they can cause infection leading to horrible complications including but not limited to hemorrhoids, incontinence, rectal bleeding, anal fissures, and a reduction in homosexual “receiving pleasure”. I’m not lying, just ask Johnny B, he will tell you ALL about it. What? Oh, the biggest fraud? He has big ears, says “uh” a lot when not in front of a teleprompter and his name rhymes with Yo Mama.
San Diego Chargers- Norv Turner is STILL in charge in in San Diego? Holy fuck. I don’t want to say that they’re gonna be unwatchable this season but Junior Seau’s suicide note listed “Norv Turner still somehow coaching the Chargers” as his reason #2 to end it all, just behind “I’m constantly depressed and don’t know why” and just ahead of “These constant debilitating headaches”. Too soon?
Kansas City Chiefs- My dark horse last season was derailed by s crapload of injuries to some key players. Now Jamaal Charles is back, Eric Berry is back, Tony Moeaki back, they’ve added Peyton Hillis and his Madden cover jinx is over, and they used free agency & the draft to upgrade both sides of the line. Plus, their coach is a big brown teddy bear named Romeo. Romeo, Oh Romeo, did thou just fart there Romeo?
Prediction: 11-5 and Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!
Oakland Raiders- As long as Carson Palmer can stay healthy, hungry, in the right frame of mind and surrounded by some talent, there’s absolutely no reason to believe he shouldn’t be able to toss at least 20 interceptions this season.
Cowboys vs Falcons
Ravens vs Chiefs
Cowboys vs Chiefs