Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Nov 27, 2006

There's something in my Pepsi, the Cowboys are riding unicorns, and Britney forgot her panties again

Okay, who slipped some coke in my Pepsi? Real funny. Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice?
Sure you didn’t, whatever. Look, I’m not mad, just get me a fresh drink, without the white powdery narcotic this time. Oh whatever. I’m having hallucinations about the Titans, Bills, and Dolphins on winning streaks, about the Steelers being 4-7, about Mike Vick flipping people off, about some guy named Tony Romo being the next Joe Montana, not to mention the real good one about the Don Criqui & Beasley Reese reality show, and you’re gonna tell me that I don’t have some serious street drugs in my system? Come on. Seriously, just tell me who put it in my drink, I'll punch that person in the neck, we'll all laugh, and we'll move on. ...You don’t really expect me to be-…..Oh come on…..You can’t expect me to…..You're serious?....Don't you fuckin' lie to me...Really?...Everything except the Criqui & Resse thing?...Yeah, well I guess that one's pretty far out there…..Hmmm, well, okay then. Uh, whew. So if I’m not under the effects of co-…....Um, why does the television show the Packers beating the Seahawks by nine points in the third quarter?
Seriously, who put the fucking coke in my Pepsi?

Let's just get on with the Week 13 Matchups…

Ravens at Bengals-
Did you see the beat down that the Ratbirds layed on Slothlisberger last Sunday? Holy dick in the dirt, Batman. If I was Carson Palmer (and sadly, I'm not), I'd be spending the next couple of days getting fitted for a suit of body armor, an emergency jet pack, and some extra-absorbant adult diapers.

Cardinals at Rams-
My one ongoing fantasy that does not involve Salma Hayek is to see an NFL game where neither team is forced to punt for the entire sixty minutes. And seeing as though these two teams field less defense than the Swiss Army, this one's got a chance.

Falcons at Redskins-
My favorite headline from last weekend: "Vick Flips Two Dirty Birds."
By the way, who was the A-hole who made the Falcons his preseason pick to make the Super Bowl and then bragged about it on Week 9? Yep, I'm an idiot.

Lions at Patriots-
What is must feel like to be a Lions fan...

Colts at Titans-
Nice to see Pac Man Jones put down the crack pipe long enough to notch a couple key interceptions in the Titans come-from-the-dead win over the Giants last Sunday. Speaking of Pac Man, it's time for a quick quiz...
What was Adam "Pac Man" Jones' nickname before "Pac Man"?
A) Inky
B) Blinky
C) Pinky
D) Clyde
E) Ms Pac Man

Answer: None of the above. It was actually "Fuckface McGee".

Chiefs at Browns-
Huh, you mean Charlie Frye wasn't the long term solution at quarterback? Go figure.

Vikings at Bears-
You know how sometimes you go to a club, hook up with a girl, take her back to your place, she takes her clothes off, and then you realize that she has a penis? Yeah, well the Bears are the girl and Rex Grossman is the penis.
And no, that never really happened to me. But it did happen to Johnny B. Turned out okay though. They shared a few good years & raised a hairless cat.

Jets at Packers-
J-E-T-S, Suck, Suck, SUCK!!!
Seriously, beat somebody decent and I promise that I'll stop it.

Chargers at Bills-
I'd almost forgotten why I dislike the Bills until they won again last week and I heard Chris Berman say "Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!" for something like the 897th time. Like nails on a chalkboard.
For the love of God, I am begging for someone to please put a pick axe through his combover.

Niners at Saints-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!

Texans at Raiders-
Ladies and gentelemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!

Jaguars at Dolphins-
This is the kind of game that's been giving me severe headaches. The Jags beat good teams and lose to bad teams. They also typically win at home at lose on the road. So if I consider the Dolphins to still be a bad team, I should take them over the Jags. But if I consider them to now be a good team, I should take the Jags. Then again, it's a road game for the Jags.... However, it's not your typical road game because it's in-state, the weather will be nice... I don't know what to do. I think I'll take the- Hey look, it's Tom & Katie!

I had a great time at their wedding. Beautiful castle, wonderful food, great laser light show. I hope they like the cool wedding gifts I sent. I got them matching straight jackets. I know what you're thinking but they're cute. I had 'em screen printed. The front of Katie's reads I'M CRAZY ABOUT TOM and the front of Tom's reads TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.

Buccaneers at Steelers-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Gus Johnson Game of the Week!

Cowboys at Giants-
The Cowboys are proof positive that anything can happen in a month. Just a few weeks ago Dallas seemed doomed. Things were bleak. They were bleaker than bleak. They were downright bleck. Bledsoe was getting sacked like a small Scandinavian island and picked like a first grader's nose, T.O. was so miserable that he swallowed a half a bottle of goofy pills, and the Tuna looked to be one interview away from a quadruple bypass. Now with Romo slingin' the pig, everything's suddenly sunshine and daisies in the Big D. I tell ya, if Romo keeps playing like this and we'll eventually see Parcells and Jerry Jones riding into the stadium on a unicorn while shooting stars and rainbows fill the Texas sky.

Seahawks at Broncos-
So they finally decided to bench Jake Plummer. The only thing less surprising than that move was Britney Spears going out on the town without her panties last weekend.

Monday Night

Sex Panthers at Eagles
Okay, one last time...

Nov 19, 2006

A bad cook, a stanky ass, a drug addict, a violent drunk, a dickhead and a couple of borderline inbreeders

Thanksgiving’s a strange name for a holiday, isn't it? I’m not sure why, probably because it’s a verb. Maybe it should be called Pilgrims and Indians Power Lunch Day, or I Can’t Believe I’m Actually Related to These People Day, or just officially go ahead and simply change it to Turkey Day. Better yet, let’s keep it a verb and call it what it really is- Turkeygorging. Yes! And let’s not stop there. What if we used verbs for all of the holidays? "Merry Giftgiving!", "Happy Egghunting", "Have a fun Trickortreating", "Happy Green Beerdrinking", "Have a nice Fireworking", "See you next Balldropping"…. I like ‘em. Let’s just call ‘em what they are. Oh sure, they’re a little crass, but nobody really does what you’re supposed to do on the holidays anymore anyway, at least not for more than a few minutes. We all start out with good intentions and then, well, we get distracted…

Christ was born to save us, wow, what a grand gesture, praise God. Hmmm, I wonder if Marge got me that cordless drill I wanted?

Man, the colonists sure were brave to take on the English army and we sure owe a lot to the founding fathers for having the wisdom to form a democracy, Ooh look, a box of M-80s!

Christ died on the cross, rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven. It was the ultimate sacrifice and he did it to save us. Man, that’s so…..Hey, who ate my last Cadbury egg?!

I’m thankful for my family, for our good health, for our dog Sparky, for this wonderful...aw fuck it, let's eat!

Look, it is what it is and we are what we are. And what we are is a self-absorbed, gluttonous nation with a desperate need to constantly be entertained. No, not all of us. Just me, and everyone else I know. And Thanksgiving brings the self absorption, gluttony, and entertainment to the table simultaneously like no other holiday can. You spend all day embellishing your accomplishments for the year, surrounded by more food than you could possibly eat, drinking for free, watching football and placing side bets on whether great Uncle Ernie’s dentures are going to fall out as he valiantly takes on yet another slice of pecan pie. It’s honestly just some bright lights and a bunny ranch away from having your own little Vegas vacation right in the comfort of your own home. String up some Christmas lights, invite Mama Squintz over, log onto an offshore gambling site and suddenly you’ve reached “What happens in the living room, stays in the living room” Level.

And this year it’s all extended by another three hours or so. That’s right, thanks to the good people at The NFL Network, we now have a Turkey Day Tripleheader! And it’s not just one more football game (which in and of itself would be fantastic enough). No, it’s not only the added game that’s got me excited, it’s the extension of the day and the amount of time that families will feel obligated to spend with one another. Sure it’s just three more hours, but those three extra hours, at the end of an evening of too much food and too much alcohol, exponentially increases the potential for all sorts of good stuff to happen. And by "good stuff" I of course mean things that can ruin family dynamics and cause wills to be changed.

It’s three more hours that Aunt Sally has to hold her tongue about Aunt Mildred’s dry stuffing, three more hours than Uncle Pete has to keep from dropping an A-bomb in the only downstairs bathroom, three more hours for cousin Randy to hold off the urge to sneak away & light up a doobie out in the garage, three more hours for Uncle Frank to resist the urge to whack ultra-opinionated Uncle John in the head with one of Grandma’s heavy brass candlesticks, three more hours for cousin Derek and half-cousin Amy to keep their newfound sexual relationship a secret, and three more hours for everyone to try and keep themselves from calling out Aunt Mildred, Uncle Pete, Cousin Randy, Uncle Frank, Uncle John, Cousin Derek, and Half-Cousin Amy as being, respectively, a bad cook, a stanky ass, a drug addict, a violent drunk, a dickhead, and a couple of borderline in-breeders. Odds are, somebody's gonna crack.

Yep, it very well could happen. And if it does, a magical thing will occur; Memories will be created. That's what the holidays are all about, aren't they? Creating memories to share and last a lifetime. And if no one cracks? Well, then we'll just have to settle for three more hours of getting to know one another a little bit better. Maybe share a few extra laughs, share some knowledge, lend a compassionate ear, some kind words, or re-tell some forgotten stories. Either way it's a win-win. Plus, if you don't feel like all that touchy-feely stuff, you can just mix in a few sleeping pills with the tryptophan, chase 'em with some Wild Turkey, and drift off while watching that extra football game.
Happy Turkeygorging!

Now, on with the matchups...

Turkey Day

Dolphins at Lions-
Who needs tryptophan when you've got the Lions offense?
By the way, welcome back to the D, Joey Harrington.

Buccaneers at Cowboys-
Could everyone please just get ahold of yourselves with regards to all the Tony Romo talk? What's this guy started, three games? Didn't Scott Mitchell, Jeff Blake, and Don Majkowski win their first three games, too? Calm down. Give him a few more games and he'll fall back to earth faster than you can say "Bruce Gradkowski".

Broncos at Chiefs-
Okay, it's official: I hate the Broncos. Despite having the best cheerleaders in the league, I still hate them. Why? In case you didn't see it Sunday night, here's why:

Just another in a long line of cheap shots from the dirtiest group in the NFL. Somebody oughtta chop block Shannahan then smack the back of his head, forcing his oversized dentures to shoot out of his face.


Cardinals at Vikings-
How do you think Denny Green eats his Thanksgiving turkey? White meat first? Dark meat first? With stuffing? Without stuffing? Personally, I think he eats it like the dog on Tom & Jerry- holding it by a leg, he wraps his jowls around it & sucks the whole thing right off the bone, then sticks out his tongue and licks his whole face clean. You go Denny!

Sex Panthers at Redskins-
The Joe Gibbs Farewell Tour makes a stop back in DC.

Bengals at Browns-
You simply can't think of Cincinnati and Thanksgiving without thinking of this...

Texans at Jets-
J-E-T-S, Suck!, Suck!!, SUCK!!!

Jaguars at Bills-
Remember back when you were dating around & you had a girlfriend you wanted to break up with but you just couldn't bring yourself to dump her, then, miraculously, she breaks it off with you with one of those "I love you but I just don't think it's gonna work out" talks, and you have to act bummed even though inside you're totally high-fiving yourself? Yeah, well I think that's how the rest of the Jags felt when Leftwich went down.

Saints at Falcons-
Whaddya say we all cut Mike Vick some slack. You know, it's not easy running an NFL offense when you've got the herpes virus corsing through your veins.

Steelers at Ravens-

Niners at Rams-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!

Raiders at Chargers-
Have you been following the Chargers lately? Good night. I haven't seen this many come-from-behind triumphs since I rented Ass Bangers III, The Revenge of the Syph

Bears at Patriots-
Exactly where do you think hoodies rank on Bill Belichek's list of things he's thankful for? I'm guessing it's right after "good health" and right before "my girthy penis".

Giants at Titans-
Jeff Fisher's mustache takes on some leftover cranberry sauce, candied yams, and a helping of lumpy mashed potatoes with gravy, this Sunday on FOX!

Eagles at Colts-
Jeff Garcia is starting at quarterback and Rocky VI hits the theatres. Not a good week to be from Philly.

Monday Night

Packers at Seahawks-
And finally, a quiz...
What was the original family pronunciation of "Favre"?
A) Fahv-ruh
B) Fav-or
C) Fahv-ray
D) Theez-man
E) None of the above, his ancestors were mutes

Answer: D) and E)

Nov 15, 2006


Watching your team blow a 21-point lead sucks. Watching your team blow a 21-point lead in the second half really sucks. Watching your team blow a 21-point lead while giving up 42 points in the second half simply sucks the life right out of you.

During those first couple of hours right after the Bengals monumental meltdown against the Chargers last Sunday, I was honestly in no mental condition to be living freely amongst other humans. You know that guy in every mental ward, the one wearing his pajamas backwards, licking on one of those huge all-day lollipops, singing “I’m a little teapot” and walking kinda funny because he just dumped a bowl of tapioca pudding down his pants? Yep, that was me. Crazy as a loon. And I gotta tell ya, Johnny B didn’t help matters any. I was on the phone with him during the waning moments of the debacle and he was morphing into some kind of half-man, half-wildebeast creature. At one point, his wife crossed in front of the tv and all I could make out was what sounded like a growl, a pounce, the breaking of a table, some muffled screams, tearing of flesh, and bones being eaten. Then the line went dead. I was going to call back later and check on him but I drove by his house & saw him digging in the yard, so I’m sure everything’s fine now.

Forty two points in one half! Seriously. No, …SERIOUSLY!!

How ridiculous is that? I'll tell you how ridiculous. It's beyond ridiculous. It's ridonkulous. No, it's beyond ridonkulous. It's ri-ding-dong-donkulous. No, actually it's beyond ri-ding-dong-donkulous. It's ri-ramma-lamma-ding-dong-donkulous. And did you see Bresnahan's face? Absolutely clueless. He looked like a farmer staring at a crop circle. Ugh, it's honestly sapping my will to live with each passing word I type about it. I'd much rather go and explore something less bizarre, like OJ's new book or the upcoming Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding. But first, let's get on with the matchups, which also happen to be quite ridiculous this week...

Falcons at Ravens-
So let me get this straight, the Falcons were steamrolling through the season until they got to the

@ Detroit
vs Browns

part of the schedule?


Bills at Texans-
Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!

The fact that he still has a job is ridonkulous.

Bears at Jets-

What? The Jets are 5-4? Now that's ri-ding-dong-donkulous.

Bengals at Saints-
Hey, it's quiz time!
Which of the following have gaping holes?
A) A block of Swiss cheese
B) OJ's alibi
C) The Bengals defense
D) Mama Squintz
E) All of the above plus one more that rhymes with "a fizzin' witch"

Answer: E)

(I'm ridiculous)

Vikings at Dolphins-
Over/Under on the number of Vikings players who will run past Daunte Culpepper and yell "Hey, nice clipboard": 15

Not so ridiculous.

Patriots at Packers-
Talk about your "nothing to lose" games, this is exactly that for Green Bay. They've already won more games (4) than most people thought they'd win all year and nobody outside of some of the more severely mentally-challeged upper deck season ticket holders at Lambeau are giving them a shot to win this one. I smell a possible upset. Or that could be a block of limburgher, their scents are quite similar. Oh, wait, I know what that smell is- it's the Patriots new third-string quarterback Vinny Testaverde. Yo, what up Vinny?

Hey yo, that's absalootly ridickalus.

Raiders at Chiefs-
Me, in last week's Matchups:
"Ya get the feeling that we're just a game or two away from Randy Moss changing his name back to The Disgruntled Randy Moss? Yeah, me too.

Randy Moss, as quoted this week in the San Fransisco Chronicle:
"Maybe because I'm unhappy and I'm not too much excited about what's going on...so, my concentration and focus level tend to go down sometimes when I'm in a bad mood. All I can say is if you put me in a good situation and make me happy, man, you get good results."

Yep, NostraSmitty strikes again.

I'm ridiculously talented.

Steelers at Browns-
Loser falls into last place in the AFC North, winner gets a used trophy and a free round of hummers from Mama Squintz.

She's ridiculously talented.

Rams at Sex Panthers-
Okay, one more time due to popular demand:

Redskins at Buccaneers-
Bruce Gradkowski and the Bucs do battle with Jason Campbell and the Skins, this Sunday on FOX!


Titans at Eagles-
Jeff Fisher's mustache gets a weekend in the land of cheesesteaks. This is not going to be pretty. My guess is that he'll have that thing looking like Mama Squintz beaver after some attempted cunnilingus- dishevled & matted down in places with cheese and small amounts of vomit.


Lions at Cardinals-
Does the winner of this one actually get credit for a "W"?
No, seriously.


Seahawks at Niners-
Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!

Colts at Cowboys-
Indy travels to the Big D to take on T.O. & Co. Wouldn't it be ironic if the Cowboys' K got a FG in OT to give Indy it's first L? But honestly, it's more likely that he'd miss the FG, or even a PAT, causing an EMT to give CPR to the Dallas HC, followed by a trip to the ER for an EKG, a few hours in the OR, then a nice little stay in the ICU. But I don't have ESP, so who knows. Ok?


Chargers at Broncos-
Seriously, these are the guys who put up 49 points on us last week?


Monday Night

Giants at Jaguars
It's the episode you've been waiting for...Tom Coughlin comes back to Jacksonville. Memories are shared, old wounds are healed, and a romance is rekindled... this week on a very special Monday Night Football.
And afterwards, stay tuned for a brand new episode of Panhandling Near the Panhandle with this week's special guest, Tony Kornheiser. Watch as Tony and some friends get panhandled in a posh Jacksonville cafe. It's a special night of television, this Monday, on ESPN.

Nov 6, 2006

Bob Barker, bad sushi, Shit for Brains pot pie, and a dab or two of Sex Panther

Well, it’s official. Bob Barker is calling it a career. Bob Barker: game show host, animals’ rights activist, ladies man, is retiring next June. I gotta tell you, hearing the news last week hit me like a ton of Plinko chips. I got so verklempt that I had to take a week just to compose myself before writing about it. (Actually, I’d already written that little thingy about Halloween & was just too lazy to start over with a new topic. This is free, you know.)

For those of you keeping score at home, this marks the third and final serious blow to old ladies over the last ten years. First there was the retirement of Johnny Carson, then Dick Clark suffered a stroke, and now, almost inconceivably, Bob Barker is retiring. And make no mistake, this is the biggest and most devastating of the three. The other two were shots to the midsection but this one is a vicious uppercut to the chin that's sent shockwaves through the AARP circuit. With this one single and profound press release, the masturbatory habits of millions of elderly women have been altered forever. I mean, just who are they supposed to lube-up and rub-off to now? Alex Trebek? Pat Sajak? Chuck Woolery? Ooh yeah, maybe Chuck Woolery, he’s got chiseled features and that same tan-in-a-can look like Barker and he's aged quite well. He's still quite a handsome man.....but I digress.

This is a day of mourning for our elderly female population and I for one would like to see all rest homes flying their flags at half mast for the remainder of the week. I’d like to see President Bush offer some words of encouragement in his weekly address. I’d like everyone to take time to visit their grandmothers and give them a big hug (or at least send them one of those Hallmark e-cards. Although you’ll probably have to send it to her neighbor and ask the neighbor to invite her over to see it since she most likely doesn’t have a computer and even if she does, she probably either hasn't figured out how to use email or has chalked it up as too newfangled, or evil or something.) But most of all, I’d like to lead the nation in saluting you, Bob Barker. You’ve spent nearly thirty five years entertaining America and providing us with countless iconic pop culture moments, games, and phrases. You’ve given us the Showcase Showdown, Barker’s Beauties, The Clock Game, Plinko, Lucky Seven, the yodeling mountain climber guy, some hella-impressive on stage putting clinics, a few near-fatal accidents with the money wheel, and the whole ‘closest without going over’ method for determining tie breakers. Sir, you are an American icon and you will truly be missed. Not by me, but those old ladies and some stoner college students are seriously gonna miss the hell outta you.

For thirty five years you've stood up on stage with a microphone that looks like a fairy wand, waiting for a big fat gay guy in a sparkly suit to yell "Come on down!" just so you could play carnival games with frat kids, illegal immigrants, and people who spend their weekends shopping at flea markets. I'm not saying it's all been bad 'cause it's had its moments --

...but for the most part I'm sure the monotony and stupidity of it all has spayed a few of your brain cells and neutered your central nervous system. So, enjoy your retirement, Bob Barker. It's both well-deserved and well overdue.

Before we say goodbye, let me leave you with something. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Well, that's not exactly true. The most sincere form of flattery is a glancing smile and a wink, followed by some unconditional oral sex. But imitation is a close second. This, however, isn't really imitation, it actually has more of a mocking tone to it. Mocking is further down on the list, behind "teasing", "condescension" & "apathy", and right before "mild contempt". So anyway, here's a not-quite mildly contemptuous tribute to you. Happy trails Bobby...

Now on with the Week 10 Matchups...

Ravens at Titans-
So you break up with your girlfriend in order to date someone who's younger, hotter, has perkier boobs, etc. It's a nasty breakup, locks are changed, some of your clothes and cds mysteriously disappear, the whole deal. A couple months later you and the new girl aren't doing so well. Then you run into your Ex at a party. She's looking fantastic and she's there with some male model who just so happens to also be the sole heir to some shipping mogul from Greece. Not good times.
So what's my point? Jeff Fisher is you, Steve McNair is your Ex, Vince Young is your new girlfriend, the Ravens are the rich, Greek male model, and the party is this Sunday at LP Field in Tennessee.

Bills at Colts-
Gino Manchetti told me that he has some very strong inside information which suggests that the Bills are going to win this game outright. Of course I should also mention to you that Gino is a garden gnome who's lived in my Dad's neighbor's front yard for about 25 years. He's the very same garden gnome who's advised me in the past to do such things as purchase large quantities of Pan Am stock, to rid my closet of everything except ripped Levi's and concert tees, to go on a strict diet of cheese and beef jerky, and to grow a mullet. In other words, he's a pretty smart fucking gnome, dude.

Browns at Falcons-
The Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour heads to A-Town!

Packers at Vikings-
Dear Minnesota Vikings offense,
You may want to try and mix-in a touchdown every now & then.


Your fans

Texans at Jaguars-
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!

Chiefs at Dolphins-
Would someone mind explaining to me just exactly how in the hell the Chiefs are 5-3? Seriously. So they're on a pace to finish 10-6 without Trent Green at quarterback and with Herm Edwards running the ship. That's just ridiculous. Next thing you know, the country's going to be run by Democrats and Britney & Kevin are going to split up. Whatever.

Jets at Patriots-
J-E-T-S Suck, Suck, SUCK!!!

Chargers at Bengals-
I don't mean to pile on Carson Palmer because I know he's not 100% back from his knee injury but I think it's safe to say that he hasn't played this poorly since this picture was taken-

Niners at Lions-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to ........Uh, Jon Kitna has requested that I do not use the word he-....I mean, the word H-E-double hockey sticks in any matchup involving the Lions. Okay. I respect that and will honor his wishes. I will not use that goddamn word in any goddamned matchup involving the goddamn Lions.
(I know, Hell, straight to Hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, I know.)

Redskins at Eagles-
Did you think I'd forget to toss in a quiz this week? No such luck. Here ya go...

For what team did Joe Gibbs coach as an assistant before his first stint with the Redskins?
A) San Diego State Aztecs
B) Dodge City Dirt Farmers
C) North Carolina Tech Washboard Willies
D) St. Louis Cardinals
E) Two of the above
F) The other two of the above

Answer: F)

Broncos at Raiders-
Ya get the feeling that we're just a game or two away from Randy Moss changing his name back to The Disgruntled Randy Moss? Yeah, me too.

Cowboys at Cardinals-
There are losses, there are bad losses, and then there's what happened to the Cowboys last Sunday in DC. That was a snafu wrapped up in a cluster fuck, stuffed inside of an ass clown, sauteed in some choke sauce, topped with half a cup of chopped Fuck Me nuts, and served with a side order of Shit-for-Brains pot pie.
Honestly, it was beyond ridiculous. It was ridonkulous.
You know what else is ridonkulous? The Cardinals. Actually they're ridingdongdonkulous. Speaking of ridingdongdonkulous....

Saints at Steelers-
....the Saints are going into Pittsburgh in Week 10 as playoff contenders while the Steelers are angling for the first pick in next year's draft. Two perfect examples of The Football Gods at work here. Your region gets ravaged by a hurricane & you have to spend the whole season on the road, you get repaid the next year by landing Drew Brees, having Reggie Bush fall into your lap, and going on a surprising playoff run. On the other hand, you lay a cheap shot on a quarterback and then get the refs to hand you the Super Bowl, you get repaid with the next season with a motorcycle accident, an emergency appendectomy, and a 2-6 start. The lesson, as always: Don't fuck with The Football Gods 'cause they will fuck you right back.

Rams at Seahawks-
No details yet on Seneca Wallace's deal with the devil but we have learned that Satan is set to report record earnings for the month of October. Word of this helped the stock price of Hades International to climb four points in heavy trading today, ending at a 12-month high of $66.6 per share.

Bears at Giants-
You know, Rex Grossman's a lot like sushi. When he's good, he's pretty darn good. But when he's bad, there's a whole lot of gag reflexes, dry heaving, and unwanted bowel movements.

Monday Night

Buccaneers at Sex Panthers
Did someone say Sex Panther?