Oct 31, 2006
The Wake Forest Gumps, rectal bleeding, titty-touching with Tom Brady, and the patron saint of plea bargains & vendettas
It’s T-minus four hours until all the little monsters, super heroes and princesses start coming to the door begging for candy. We’ve got a bucket full of well over 500 pieces of candy at the ready and a nicely pressed mini-pirate costume waiting for our currently napping daughter. I’ve also got a pretty decent-sized headache forming off the coast of my left temple which has the potential of becoming a Category 4 skull storm before the night’s over. Plus, it’s raining. A lot. And did I mention that the majority of my family & my in-laws are headed to my house tonight? Halloween’s a great holiday if you’re a kid. If you’re an adult, not so much. Unless, of course, you go to a non-work-related Halloween party. The kind with men dressed up like women, women dressed up like whores, whores dressed up like french maids giving head in the coat closet to guys wearing Bill Clinton masks, and, of course, an open bar. Kinda like the Arquette’s house at Thanksgiving. But since I don’t have a Halloween party to go to and since I’m no longer welcome at the Arquette’s, this Halloween is shaping up to be just a wet, headachy trek through the neighborhood.
My daughter will love it, though. And that’s what it’s all about- the look on your kids’ faces, filled with excitement over getting free candy from complete strangers. Of course, you usually can’t see the look of excitement, what with the masks and all, but you can certainly sense it, or something. Or maybe it’s not so much a sense of excitement as it is a heart-accelerating sugar buzz. My nephew fills his face with so much candy on Halloween night that he gets an uber-crazy look in his eyes, like Gary Busey at an oxygen bar. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s for the kids. When it comes right down to it, just about everything we do is for the kids, right? So in keeping with that spirit, here’s the Week 9 Matchups. And remember, I’m doing it for the kids….
Boston College at Wake Forest-
Lately, I've been starting these off with a quiz. Many of you have expressed your displeasure, so let's keep it going.
Which of the following were nicknames for Wake Forest before Demon Deacons?
C) Old Gold & Black
E) All of the above, except one
LSU at Tennessee-
Hey kids, it's the annual "Test the Tint control on your televison" game. See if you can adjust your set to show off the bright lemon yellow of LSU, the bright nuclear glow orange of Tennessee, and the dingy grey of Brent Musberger's personality all at the same time!
Falcons at Lions-
I've said it before and I'll say it again; Ron Mexico is by far, hands down, the greatest herpes-infected quarterback in the history of the NFL.
Bengals at Ravens-
Bob Bratkowski, I'd like to introduce you to Rudi Johnson. He's a tough, nifty running back who has put up back-to-back 1500 yard seasons and the Bengals are 24-0 when he carries the ball at least 25 times. SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT GIVING HIM THE FUCKING BALL A LITTLE MORE, OKAY!?!?
Cowboys at Redskins-
Okay, here's the official word on Tony Romo's deal with the devil: One great season with a 2 to 1 touchdown to interception ratio in return for Tony's soul, his first born son, and an autographed game-worn home jersey.
Packers at Bills-
If both teams decided to skip the game & just go fishing for the afternoon, would anyone really notice?
Texans at Giants-
I think it's great that Tiki Barber has decided to retire after this season & go out on his own terms. Most people forget that the average life expectancy for an African American midget is only about 35 years, so if he wants to do something different with his remaining few years, I say more power to him.
Chiefs at Rams-
St. Louis was recently named the most dangerous city in America, knocking Detroit out of the top spot for the first time since like 1903. Makes sense when you consider that St. Louis is the patron saint of plea bargains and vendettas.
Dolphins at Bears-
Have you ever looked at the calendar & realized that you have a proctologist appointment coming up in a few days? Well, that's the same feeling the Dolphins have right about now. They know it's going to be uncomfortable, mildly painful, a bit embarassing, and just hoping to come out of it without any rectal bleeding.
Vikings at Niners-
Speaking of rectal bleeding. How about that showing by the Vikes last Monday night? On the bright side, this week they get to play the NFL equivalent of KY Jelly.
Saints at Bucs-
Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Bruce Gradkowski falling back to earth!
Titans at Jaguars-
Ladies and gentelmen, I give you the Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Browns at Chargers-
You think Marty Schottenheimer is going to look across the field and become awash in memories of his days in Cleveland? Remembering times like when Ernest Byner fumbled the 1988 season away, or when John Elway orchestrated The Drive and kept the Browns out of Super Bowl XXI, or when one night when he was nestled all snug in his bed, some 250 miles south, in Oxford, Ohio his daughter was having drunken monkey sex with my college roommate?
Broncos at Steelers-
Just for the record, I've got Week 11 in the "When Will Cowher Pull Big Ben and Start Charlie Batch" pool.
Colts at Patriots-
Yep, there's no use denying it, Tom Brady is the man...
Raiders at Seahawks-
Just in case you have any doubts about the curse...
Oct 24, 2006
So I went to see Spamalot last weekend. I know what you’re thinking- “Hey, that’s a Broadway musical. You’re gay!” Uh, yeah but it’s also Monty Python, so Hey, no I’m fucking not! The works of Monty Python are a testimony to what brilliant and creative minds can accomplish when they’re given the freedom & resources to take as much drugs as humanly possible. Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes up with dialogue like “ I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” without being hopped-up on a wonderful angel dust-mushroom cocktail. The adaptation for the stage was great. It followed the basic premise of The Holy Grail but branched off a few times to include new scenes and an alternate ending, all of which allowed for the addition of a few more cast members. What kind of cast members? Hot chicks! That's right- hot freakin’, long-legged, big-boobed, beautiful non-British, high-kicking, scantily-clad women, dressed in everything from cheerleader outfits to bikinis to bustierres! I'm telling you, it was Monty Python with hot chicks! This is right up there with peanut butter & jelly, steak & lobster, Donny & Marie, er, whatever. Add in the fact that there was hard liquor available in the lobby & I have just two words to sum-up the evening. Good times.
And it got me to thinking. There were only two things missing that could have made the night perfect: A) an intermission hummer from Mama Squintz, and B) a late-night NFL game as a nightcap. But since I knew that Mama S. was already tied up over at Matt’s house and the NFL doesn’t schedule Saturday night games, I had to settle for an intermission consisting only of friendly conversation and a nightcap of SNL and a slightly sick, not-so-slightly snoring wife. So, why no Saturday Night NFL action? I’m sure ABC would bid on that one. Maybe even Spike TV or Comedy Central. Comedy Central would be fantastic. I can see it now, "Join us every Saturday at 10pm for Saturday Night Football Fever right here on Comedy Central!" Hire Don Criqui & Beasley Reese to be the broadcast team and dress ‘em in white disco suits. Then hire a couple comedians who’s bread & butter is making fun of people, say, Geoffrey Rusch and Patrice O'Neal, and let them provide the commentary over-top of Criqui & Reese. They can hear Don & Beasley but Don & Beasley can’t hear them. Add Jessica Simpson as a sideline reporters & we’ve got gold, baby!
Of course, you’d have to find a way to isolate Criqui and the Beeze so they wouldn’t find out about it, otherwise you’d be one-and-done, right? How to do that, how to do that....I know! - you tell 'em that they're the stars of a new reality show that features two football announcers living together with no contact to the outside world for the entire season. Give them all the stats & game film they need but don’t let them watch tv, read newspapers, call home, just like on Big Brother. Their egos are big enough, they’d probably believe that there are people would actually want to see something like this. Give it a name, like, um, Isolation Booth. Tell ‘em it airs Monday nights on Comedy Central & even let them read fake promos for it during the games. It’s brilliant! I’m brilliant! Ain’t I brilliant?! Ahh, I can hear it now…
Criqui: Welcome back. Don Cruqui and Beasley Reese here at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, where the Rams are holding onto a fourteen to ten lead over the Tennessee Titans. Titans have it, first and ten from their own thirty four yard line. Vince Young back to pass…and he delivers a fastball to his tight end! That should be enough for a first down.
Rush: Would somebody please tell Criqui that this is football, not baseball. There’s pretty much just one way to throw a football- fast & on a line. What was he expecting, a backdoor slider?
Beasley: Nice job of the tight end to get separation from the defender. Look on the replay right here…he gave him a little shove & said “Get outta my way” hahahaha.
O'Neal: Is that what he said Beasley? Really? You heard that from the booth? Shut the fuck up.
Criqui: Oh, and it looks like we have an injured Ram down on the field.
Rush: Did he just say “an injured ram”?
O'Neal: Baaaaa. Baaaaa. Help me, my hoof is broken, Baaaaa!
Criqui: Looks like it’s number fifty one.
Rush: Criqui has no idea who number fifty one is. I’m sure he’s checking the media guide right now. Let’s wait…one….two…three….
Criaui: Wil Witherspoon is the injured Ram on the field and it looks as if it might be some kind of hip flexor.
O'Neal: Now how the fuck does he know that?! What is he, a bad announcer and a bad doctor? Hey, let me diagnose some shit. That guy has a menstrual cramp, Beasley’s got anal warts, and Criqui’s suffering from severe dimensia.
Rush: Patrice, whaddya say we check-in with our sideline reporter, Jessica Simpson? Hey Jessica, tell us, how’s Mark Bulger doing?
Jessica: That’s the Rams quarterback, right?
Rush: Uh, yes.
Jessica: Oh, okay. Well, they say he has a con..a con... a commussion. I mean, a combustion.
Jessica: I mean, a contusion.
Jessica: You know, a contusion. Like his head hurts really bad.
O'Neal: You mean a concussion?
Jessica: Yeah! That’s when you have a really bad headache, right?
O'Neal: No, that’s a migraine. A concussion is when you’re jogging and your boobs hit you in the head.
Rush: Hey Patrice, Criqui’s talking about his fake show…
Criqui: While we’re waiting for the medical staff to help the injured player, let me remind you that you can catch the latest episode of Isolation Booth this Monday at eight right here on Comedy Central. In this week’s episode, yours truly hides Beasley’s toothbrush and the hilarity ensues. Don’t miss the next episode of Isolation Booth, Mondays at eight on Comedy Central.
O'Neal: That shit kills me every time.
Okay, I’ve gotta get this out in memo form before I forget. But first, on with the Week 8 Matchups…
Syracuse at Cincinnati-
Okay, have you seen the slate of college games this week? It was either go with the home town boys or an Ivy League contest and I’m saving my Ivy League token for the Harvard-Yale battle.
USC at Oregon State-
You didn't think I'd leave out the annual Trojans-Beavers battle, did you?
And for what it's worth, my guess is that the Trojans offense will penentrate the Beavers defense and explode all over them.
Too juvenile? No. Okay then.
By the way, I know you've all seen the USC cheerleaders in their white sweaters. But have you seen them at the beach?
Cardinals at Packers-
Denny Green's bunch turns in an historic Monday Night choke-job against the Bears, follows that up with a loss to the hopeless Raiders (the RAIDERS!) and now they're headed to Green Bay. If they fall to the crappy Pack, I know one big black teddy bear who's gonna need a lot of blueberry waffles to dull the pain.
Falcons at Bengals-
The Bengals are becoming extremely hard to figure out. Lots of talent but lots of injuries. Sometimes the defense is very good, sometimes it's mildly horrible. They're like the crazy chick that every guy dates for a little while at least once in his life. The one who paints her nails black, collects abstract art, still listens to The Cure, and likes to dress up like Xena & go to Midevil festivals. You're never sure exactly what you're gonna get with a girl like that. She might simply darken the room and light some patchouli, she might whip out some handcuffs and a ball-gag, or, she might fall into a state of desperate manic depression, lock herself in the bathroom, slit her wrists and write some cryptic message on the wall in her own blood. It's real crapshoot, really.
Ravens at Saints-
Okay, at the count of three we'll all wake up and the Saints will be crappy again, just like they're supposed to be. One, two, ....
Texans at Titans-
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the latest Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Jaguars at Eagles-
Apparently Donovan McNabb suffered through another bout of vomiting during last week’s game in Tampa. Is it just me or have I heard this story at least twelve other times? Dude is always barking at the ground. Mark my words, someday we’re gonna see this news headline….
Seahawks at Chiefs-
Nope, no Madden Curse whatsoever.
Niners at Bears-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Urlacher!
Bucs at Giants-
I know a lot of people like this Bruce Gradkowski kid. Gruden likes him ‘cause he’s tougher than Chris Simms. And he’s right, he is tougher than Chris Simms. So is a bowl of vanilla pudding but I’m not gonna put it under-center. Let’s not forget that Brucey G is a terrible roughing the passer penalty and a miracle 62-yard field goal away from being 0-3 since taking over. Excuse me for not getting on the bandwagon yet but I like my quarterbacks over 6-ft tall and non-Polish, thank you.
Rams at Chargers-
Shawne Merriman doesn’t want you to judge him on the latest news that he tested positive for steroids. His agent wants you to know that it was caused by a tainted nutritional supplement, not by shooting-up in some dark alley. I want them both to know that the commissioner is going to suspend Shawne for six games. Four for the steroid use, one for treating the fans like we’re stupid, and one for having the useless “e” on the end of his name.
Colts at Broncos-
Warning to Jake Plummer: Backup Quarterbacks In Your Rear View Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear.
Jets at Browns-
It is my sincere pleasure to introduce the new New York Jets flag girls....
Steelers at Raiders-
In the last three months, Ben Slothlisberger has had a motorcycle accident which resulted in a broken jaw, loss of teeth, and various contusions. He’s also suffered two concussions, and has had to have his appendix removed. Yep, I’d say my voodoo doll is working just fine.
Cowboys at Panthers-
Okay Coach Parcells, let me have a look at your chart. Hmmm…you’re borderline morbidly obese, you work for an overbearing owner who likes to sit-in on your meetings, you have to deal with a rabid and increasingly unhappy fan base, a rabid and increasingly unhappy wide receiver, and now you’re going with an unexperienced quarterback…. Do you want me to schedule your double-bypass now, or would you like to check your schedule?
Patriots at Vikings-
Did somebody say Vikings? And Spam?...
Oct 17, 2006
I’m easily amused. I still laugh at Tom & Jerry cartoons, I rank Jackass 2 in my list of top five movies of 2006, I’ve been known to sometimes spend an hour or so in a novelty store looking at the funny t-shirts & reading the adult birthday cards, and I almost pee myself every time I watch the scene in Dumb or Dumber when Harry & Lloyd are smacking each other with their canes. Like I said, I’m easily amused. What I’m not, however, is easily impressed. Your kid won first place in the Science Fair? Great. The guy down the street just performed CPR on a cat. Good for him. Your brother just found a cure for botchillism. Fantastic, here’s a cookie. It’s just the way I’m wired. If I didn’t do it or it didn’t happen to me, eh, whatever. Selfish? Maybe. True? Absolutely.
That being said, there were three things happened this past week that almost impressed me- The Cardinals unprecedented choke job on Monday night, the on-field brawl between Miami and Florida International on Saturday, and the revealing of the now near-complete transformation of Ashlee Simpson. I'll start with the Cardinals. Now there are meltdowns, there are nuclear meltdowns, and then there’s the kind of meltdown Denny Green’s boys had on national tv Monday night. They were up 23-3 in the 4th quarter in front of a jacked-up and packed house, on the verge of knocking-off the undefeated & seemingly undefeatable Bears, and on the cusp of finally changing their own image from “laughingstocks” to “contenders”. Then it happened. They became the old Cardinals again. Sack, fumble, touchdown, fumble, touchdown, punt, touchdown, missed field goal, game over. Still laughingstocks. It’s not easy to blow a 20-point lead against a team who’s offense commits six turnovers and looks as disjointed as a train wreck but the Cardinals did it and they made it look quite easy.
Equally almost impressive was Denny Green’s postgame comments. Sure, he raised his voice a little and punched the podium, but I’d say he kept it together pretty well considering what had just went down. If it were me, I would’ve shown up with an ice pick & a hammer and been begging someone to drive it into the back of my skull. Either that or you would’ve found me aimlessly wandering around the parking lot, glassy-eyed, naked, and chewing on one of my shoes. I wonder how Denny eventually calmed down. I suspect it may have involved a stack of waffles and whole lot of chocolate syrup.
As near-impressive as the Cards meltdown was, even more nearly impressive was the Battle Royale that took place in Miami on Saturday. The Miami Hurricanes and the Florida International Whatevers had a bench-clearing brawl that lasted almost four minutes, resulted in thirteen players being ejected from the game and almost certainly had Vince McMahon taking notes. It started out between a defensive lineman and a holder on an extra point attempt, then quickly escalated and eventually branched off into several fights. There were more skirmishes going on at once than a middle east conflict. This baby had it all- helmet-swinging, players being kicked while on the ground, even an injured player swinging his crutch around. The only thing missing was a referee being accidentally hit from behind with a metal folding chair. In case you missed it, check it out & make sure you have the volume turned up loud so you can hear the comments of the color analyst. He starts running his mouth as the fight winds down.
And yes, the commentator was fired on Monday. The thug players, however, merely got served with one-game suspensions. Nice to see that the standards of behavior are still in-tact at the U.
Last but not least, a little bit about Ashlee Simpson. It seems as though her not-so-subtle Dr. 90210-inspired transformation is almost complete. Nose job, boob job, lip job... She’s gone from being borderline homely and having a horrible voice to being stunningly attractive and having a horrible voice. In case you haven’t seen her lately, check it out-
This is certainly going to help album sales but more importantly, assuming she can become a slightly better actor than her sister, it now makes her a strong candidate for some soft core porn in a few years. Yes! She instantly joins the likes of Elizabeth Berkely, Shannon Elizabeth, Tiffany Amber Thiessen, Neve Campbell, and Posh Spice in the category of former stars who have just the right mix of looks and lack of talent that Cinemax has each of their agents phone numbers on speed dial. Speaking of which, you know the only bad thing about My Name is Earl is that it’s success has, at least temporarily, taken Jaime Pressly off of that list. It’s gonna be a while before we see her in anything like this again…
You’re welcome. Go ahead, take a minute, walk it off, do whatever you gotta do, I’ll wait.
…..Okay, now on with the Week 7 Matchups
Texas at Nebraska-
Let's start with a quick quiz. Which of the following was a nickname for the Nebraska football team before “Cornhuskers”?
B) Gold Knights
C) Rattlesnake Boys
Answer: all of the above. Seriously.
Georgia Tech at Clemson-
#12 vs #13 in a prime time matchup. Hey, at least one of the three Bowden’s is doing well.
UCLA at Notre Dame-
I know this is the third time I’ve included a Notre Dame game in the matchups. This week, I have a good reason. It gives me a chance to post this:
Sex Panthers at Bengals-
This just in: You are no longer allowed to sack the quarterback.
Damn you, Mike Carey. Damn you straight to Hell!
And no, I’m not bitter.
Lions at Jets-
J-E-T-…okay, they both suck.
I make it a general rule not to watch any game where both QBs have rag arms. Now, I know you don’t have to be 6’4”, 240 lbs, laser, rocket arm to be a good quarterback but I do think you at least need to be able to be the favorite if entered into a 13-and-over Punt, Pass and Kick competition.
Packers at Dolphins-
What do you think Brett Favre will miss most when this season ends. Check out this week’s poll question up & over to the right to submit your vote.
Jaguars at Texans-
Fred Taylor and the Jaguars travel to Houston to take on Reggie Bush and the Texans, this Sunday on CBS! What? He’s not? Oh, right. Dammit, why can’t I remember that?!
Patriots at Bills-
I’m wishing upon a star that Takeo Spikes hits Corey Dillon so hard that they merge into one human being and form one super-powerful dickhead.
Eagles at Bucs-
I lifted this off of Bruce Gradkowski’s voicemail yesterday:
Mr. Gradkowski, this is a courtesy call to remind you that your free-look period with Satan expires this week. If you like what you’ve experienced so far and you’d like to make a deal, please call 1-900-GET-HOTT during normal business hours and ask for Marcy. Thank you and have a great day.
Steelers at Falcons-
Not to jinx him or anything but Mike Vick hasn’t been injured yet this season. Six straight weeks, going on seven. That’s like, what, four weeks past his previous record?
You da man, Mikey!
Chargers at Chiefs-
This game involves the worst dancer in the NFL. That’s right, I said dancer. And if you don’t believe me, keep an eye out for an NFL Network commercial. It's the one featuring several Chargers including Phillip Rivers. There are a couple guys standing around a water cooler, then some Chargers show up.....here, take a look for yourselves. The "Rivers" Dance comes towards the end. He's in the back on the left...
I’m writing him a letter tonight and requesting that he adopts the move for his touchdown dance.
Broncos at Browns-
Over-Under on the number of points to be scored in this one: 3
I’ll take the under.
Cardinals at Raiders-
If the Cardinals follow-up last week’s choker with a loss to the hopeless Raiders, I fully expect to see Denny Green on the sidelines, putting on a blindfold and lighting a last cigarette.
Vikings at Seahawks-
Nope, no such thing as a Madden Curse.
Redskins at Colts-
Want to try something new for Sunday night's game? Here's a quick & easy recipe that the whole family can enjoy.
I call them Manning Sanwiches.
Take three dillweeds, one cup of goofy beans, a dash of southern twang, and a sprinkle of flatulence. Toss the ingredients in a large bowl, pour in some media attention and let sit until it is completely over-saturated. Simmer on low heat for 30 minutes, then serve on slices of toasted white bread or saltine crackers and enjoy.
Be sure to make extra to save for tomorrow night, too...
Giants at Cowboys-
Who would you rather see sporting a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader outift?
A) Michelle Tafoya
B) Tony Kornheiser
C) Andrea Kremer
If you answered A), you like 'em chunky.
If you answered B), you like 'em balding.
If you answered C), you like 'em bug-eyed.
And if you answered D), your name is Mama Squintz.
Oct 10, 2006
I was having a hard time trying to decide what to ramble on about this week. First, there’s Stuart Scott’s eyes which have somehow become even freakier. Over the last couple years they’ve gone from “ooogly-googly” to “disturbing” to “distracting” and now have propelled Stu to “human oddity” level. I was so taken aback Monday night so as to do some research and find out that his right eye, the blueish-grey one, has always been bad but he injured his left eye, the lazy brown one (how ironic), while trying out for the New York Jets. As the story goes, he was doing a story for ESPN on what it’s like to go through training camp as a wide receiver. While trying to catch passes being rifled at him by a machine, one came at him a little too fast and, BOOYAH! Detetched retina, damaged cornea. No word as to the reason for the extra freakishness of the eyes lately.
Secondly, just so you know, I’m shopping around for a country led by a maniacal dictator. If the climate is right, I’d seriously consider moving my family to one of them just so I don’t have to be subjected to any more political tv commercials. It’s just a constant stream of assbags accusing their opponents of running negative ads and then proceeding to run their own negative ads.
“Hi, I’m Stumpy McGee and I approve this message.”
Narrator, spoken over heavy music and unflattering black & white pictures: “Bob Williams wants you to believe that he’s for the middle class. Truth is, Bob voted to raise taxes on the middle class 74 times while voting to eliminate taxes for the rich forever. He also took extravagant business trips and even got a 20-percent pay raise. Plus, Bob worships Satan and habitually tortures kittens and bunnies. He once even hired a gorilla to ass-rape his own mother.”
Narrator, spoken over light music and vibrant color pictures: Stumpy McGee loves his mother. He’s good to all of God’s creatures. And, he’s prepared to lower your taxes. Stumpy is also a staunch environmental supporter. Stumpy’s so good for the environment that even when he farts, his ass produces a crisp breeze that smells of orchids & attracts beautiful butterflies and hummingbirds…..”
Who are they directing these ads towards, the unbelievably gullable and naive? The retarded? The old Hee Haw audience? I saw an ad the other day that went so far as to use a celebrity impersonator and perform a ficticious voicemail message. Next, I predict one of these slush fund fuckers will use some creative video editing and depict his opponent doing things like punching an old homeless lady, dropping a baby down a well, pissing on an American flag, and having unprotected sex with a live underage chicken at a Klan rally. Yea democracy! More on this topic at a later date.
I also gave serious thought this week to using this space to discuss the effect of global warming on the indigenous creatures of the lower Arctic zone near northern Asia, including the puffin, the ermine and the musk fox. However, all of these ideas were quickly put on the backburner of my brain when I read that TV Land is premiering a new reality show this month called, I Pity the Fool. I don’t think I need to tell you who the star is. Let’s just say he’s still rockin’ the mowhawk and starts most sentences by saying “Hnnnggghhh”. According to the web site (http://www.tvland.com/originals/ipitythefool/), Dr. Phil and Tony Robbins need to watch out ‘cause Mr. T’s on a mission to change real people’s lives. Apparently he’s going to “dispense advise, motivate procrastinators, and rev up slackers.” Seriously. I’m sure we’re also going to be treated to the inner sanctum of the T house where we can see how he maintains the mowhawk, sleeps with sixty pounds of gold around his neck, and broadens his horizons by listening to Mozart & reading Shakespeare, and, of course, see his softer side as he does things like counseling kids and adopting pets.
In any case, the show gave me an idea. The NFL Network should hire T to join the practice squad of an NFL team. Give the team an exemption for an extra member & film his adventures. Show him getting in guys’ faces and saying things like “Hnnnggghhh,….Dead meat.” and “I pity the fool tries to chop- block me.” And what team do you put him on? That’s an easy one, right? The Raiders. Oh my God, I’m so giddy with excitement that I just spun around in my office chair! This would be fabulous! (yes, I just typed “fabulous” and no, I’m not gay). Think about the possibilities; Mr. T, Randy Moss, Warren Sapp, Al Davis, Art Shell….holy crap! You throw these guys together, title it Mr. T’s: Commitment to Excellence and we’re talking television gold, folks.
Now, on to the matchups. And yes, there are three college games on the slate this week due to the excessive number of NFL teams that have byes. Enjoy…
Missouri at Texas A&M-
Here’s a quick quiz. What does the “A&M” stand for?
a) architecture & masonry
b) alcohol & marijuana
c) agricultural & magricultural
d) assholes & mean drunks
Answer: e) other
Michigan at Penn State-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my 2006 Halloween costume….
Florida at Auburn-
Auburn’s national title hopes were dashed with a home loss last week at the hands of Arkansas. This week, they hope to get revenge by ending the title hopes of SEC rival Florida. But enough of all that, let’s compare cheerleaders!
And now to join me in running down this week’s NFL action, here’s Mr. T. Actually, it’s just my friend Joe who does a mean Mr. T impression but just go with me here, okay?
Mr. T, it’s great to have you here helping with the Week 6 Matchups.
Hnnnggghhh. The pleasure’s all yours, fool.
Yes it is, yes it is. We don’t have a whole lot of time so whaddya say we go ahead and get started? But first, let's go ahead and take a look at a clip from your new tv show. Tell us what this clip is about.
It's about me, fool. I go to a car dealership and rev up the engines of some car salesmen who need Mr. T's help. Just play the clip, fool.
Wow, good stuff. I really like the jump suit. Red really brings out the anger in your eyes.
Where’s my Powerade? My manager said you’d have some Powerade for me. And don’t give me any of that sissy Strawberry pink, or space alien blue, I like the gold Powerade.
It’s on the way T, don’t worry. Ah, here it is now. Thanks Johnny B.
So, now that we've played the clip and the Powerade is to your liking, let’s get on with the rest of the matchups. First game on the list is what I affectionately call our Don Criqui Game of the Week- Bills at Lions.
Hnnnggghhh. I pity the fool who watches this game. These teams got no business in the NFL.
You’re right, T. Who do you like?
I don’t like neither of ‘em.
Well, you gotta pick one.
I’ll take the Lions. Mr. T don’t like bills. Especially since A-Team got cancelled.
Fair enough, Mr. T likes the Lions.
Next is the Sex Panthers at the Ravens.
The what Panthers?
The, um, the Sex Panthers. They’re playing the Ravens who have a very tough defense led by tough guy Ray Lewis.
Hnnnggghhh. I’d knock Ray Lewis into next week, fool.
T likes the Sex Panthers.
Shut up, fool!
Bengals at Buccaneers. Chris Simms is out the rest of the year after losing his spleen but rookie Bruce Gradkowski looked good in his debut last week.
I removed my own spleen once.
Uh, why did you do that?
I was hungry, fool. Growing up, I got three meals a day: oatmeal, miss-a-meal, and no-meal.
I’m sorry to hear that. Who do you like, Bengals or Bucs.
I like bucks. Watch my new tv show, I Pity the Fool on TV Land. And buy my action figures, or I’ll beat’cha down, fool!
Okay, now on to The Battle of Texas, Texans at Cowboys. Parcells says Bledsoe will remain the starting quarterback in Dallas. Do you think that’s a good idea?
Bledsoe’s not the problem. That fool T.O. needs to stop all his jibba-jabba and play ball.
Giants at Falcons. This should be a good one. Eli Manning had a great game last week and Mike Vick seems to be on top of his game.
Hnnnggghhh. I’d catch Mike Vick and snap his legs, fool. That sucka gave my sista an STD. Said his name was Ron Mexico. Hnnnggghhh. Someday I’m gonna find him and teach that sucka a lesson.
So you like the Giants?
So you like the Falcons?
Quit all your jibba-jabba, stop tryin’ to confuse Mr. T.
Chargers at the Niners.
Mr. T don’t…
Sorry T, I need to take this one. Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to hell!
That’s kinda my thing. I uh…
…Let’s move on to the Eagles at the Saints. The Saints seem to be riding a wave of good fortune this season. Drew Brees is having a great year, Reggie Bush hasn’t disappointed….but the Eagles sure did look impressive versus Dallas last week. Who do you like in this one?
That fool Balboa was from Philly. I pity that fool. Hnnnggghhh.
Seahawks at the Rams, whaddya think?
The Rams wear gold and Mr. T goes by the Golden Rule: He who wears the gold makes the rules.
Vince Young and the Titans are at the Redskins.
I need more Powerade, fool!
I’ll mark you down for Washington.
Okay, Chiefs at Steelers. No Trent Green and no Larry Johnson for KC. But Big Ben hasn’t looked good this year…
He’s a fool. Mr. T always says Safety First. Don’t go around ridin’ your motorcycle without no helmet. That’s askin’ for trouble, fool. He’s a bad role model for the childrens. Mr. T hates bad role models.
So you’re saying that you hate Ben Roethlisberger?
No, I don’t hate him. I pity the fool. Where’s my Powerade, sucka?!
Uh, Dolphins at the Jets, and here’s Johnny B with some more Powerade.
I said gold Powerade, fool!
Apparently, T, we only have blue Powerade left in the fridge.
Run Johnny B, run!......He’s such a girl.
So, Dolphins at Jets. Who do you like?
J-E-T-S, Suck! Suck!! Suckas!!!
Oh no you di’in’t. You my dog, T!
Okay, two more T. The Sunday night game has the Raiders at the Broncos. Did you like my idea of a reality show based on you playing on the Raiders practice squad? I think it’d be great!
Mr. T ain’t practice squad material, fool. I’d start on that sad-sack team.
You know, you’re probably right.
I know I’m right, fool. I’d start for the Broncos, too. Put me on the Broncos.
What about coaching? How about you coach the Raiders? They’re gonna need a new coach, someone to lead them back to prominence. You could do it. Hell, you’re smarter than Art Shell.
It takes a smart man to play dumb, fool.
Whatever. Last one- Monday Night Football, Bears at Cardinals. Your prediction…
Thanks T, it was a pleasure.
And Johnny B says good luck with your crappy reality show.
Run Johnny B, run!
Oct 3, 2006
Mind-controlling a schooner, an interception machine, a proposal, some French kissing, and SHIVER ME PENIS
I’ve had three ongoing fantasies throughout my adult life. Well, three not counting the one about me, Mama Squintz, the girl in that old Chris Isaak video, and a hot tub filled with raspberry syrup. Sometimes that one involves a mustang, too. The car, not the horse. Usually. Anyway, like I said, I’ve had three ongoing fantasies. One involves me quarterbacking a last-minute touchdown drive in the Super Bowl, another takes place in Sweden where I get caught-up in a case of mistaken identity and am crowned their king, and the third fantasy is simple. The third fantasy is that I can fly. Like a bird.
Why do I mention this? Because I’m partially insane & have somehow conceded to writing a few paragraphs of mindless crap for you guys each week. And also because on my new third-favorite show, Heroes (NBC, Mondays, 9pm), there’s a guy who realizes that he can fly. No really, it's true. The show is about a bunch of unrelated people from around the world who are each simultaneously figuring out that they have a special power. There’s the guy who can fly, a cop who can hear people’s thoughts, an artist who can see the future, a high school cheerleader who’s indestructible, an asian dude who, when he squints real hard like he’s force-dumping some moo shoo pork, can teleport himself, and an internet porn whore who has some kind of evil twin who dishes out midevil ass-kickings. I'm hooked. When it's on, I get all glassy-eyed and block out the rest of the world. Kinda like Rosie O'Donnell staring at a Waffle House menu.
And the whole thing has got me re-thinking my “flying” fantasy. If I could have a super power, would I really want it to be the ability to fly? Um…….no. Mainly because of the invention of surface-to-air missles. Let’s face it, if you have a super power, you’re gonna have to fight crime. Otherwise, you’re just a selfish freakshow, right? So, if you’re gonna fight crime, you’ve gotta come with something stronger than just being able to fly. You’d ideally need three or four super powers, but if for the sake of this discussion that I’m having with myself I can only pick one, I’m going to have to go with.... mind control.
Invisibility, X-ray vision, super strength, elasticity, they all have some major downsides. But what's the downside to mind control? Want a criminal to put down his gun? No problem. Want an evil warlord to become a peace-loving tree-hugger? Check. Want the bartender to put more vodka in your bloody mary? Consider it done. Just imagine the endless possiblities if you could control everyone else's thoughts and desires. The world would be like your own personal Sims game. It'd be fantastic! However, my pal Jerry, as is his nature, has presented me with two potential problems: 1) You get someone to do something and then regret your decision. True, and that would probably happen fairly often but would always be fixable through the use of some more mind control to reverse the outcome. 2) In order to engage the mind control, you have to give that ultra serious squinty-eyed look that's usually only performed by famous illusionists and over-acting soap opera stars who've just received some disturbing news as the camera fades to commercial. This is a problem because the look would be a dead giveaway to people in your presence that you're emploring the mind control. You'd have to hone the skill & do it with a poker face.
Also, it goes without saying that for mind control to truly maximize its usefullness and its opportunities for comedic relief, it would absolutely positively have to work through the television as well as in-person. Trust me when I say that local newscasts would never be the same.
So how does this relate to football? It doesn't. But it could. Let's take a look at what would happen this weekend if I had the power of mind control....
Texas at Oklahoma-
During pregame ceremonies, all student passengers in the Sooner Schooner mysteriously decide to move to the same side of the schooner, causing it to tip over onto its' side, trapping two Texas marching band trombone players and one bassoonist underneath.
Oregon at Cal-
Despite the pleading of their head coach, the Cal players, on every kickoff return, punt return, and offensive play, try to re-enact the 1981 miracle five-lateral finish against Stanford.
Bills at Bears-
In an odd turn of events, the Bears entire starting defensive unit skips the game and instead decides to spend their Sunday afternoon waiting in line for tickets to an upcoming taping of Oprah. Upon hearing the news, Vegas immediately moves the Bears from a 12-point favorite to a 3-point favorite.
Browns at Sex Panthers-
As part of some bizarre pregame ritual, each member of the Cleveland Browns takes a dump in his helmet before placing it on his head.
(Why? Because I don't live in Cleveland, I live in Cincinnati! That's why.)
Lions at Vikings-
In the first half, Viking defenders do everything they can not to defend Jon Kitna's pass attempts. He ends the first half with 589 yards passing and six touchdowns. In the second half, every time Kitna drops to pass, he inexplicably heaves the ball straight up into the air as if he's trying to hit the Metrodome ceiling. He ends the second half on the bench after going 0-for-6 with two interceptions.
During the postgame press conference, Kitna explains that it was simply God's will.
Dolphins at Patriots-
Corey Dillon leaves the game in the second quarter with a seperated shoulder after oddly and repeatedly attempting to straightarm himself.
Rams at Packers-
In a move that others will describe as "completely out of character", the Packers equipment manager replaces "FAVRE" on the back of Brett Favre's jersey with "INTERCEPTION MACHINE". The move is noticed too close to game time to do anything about it, so Favre is forced to take the field wearing the "INTERCEPTION MACHINE" jersey. Favre responds by predictably tossing four interceptions.
Bucs at Saints-
Midway through the third quarter at Raymond James Stadium, the usual skull & bones main sail of the end zone pirate ship is lowered and this one is hoisted in its place:
Titans at Colts-
With every completion by Peyton Manning, a pacing Jeff Fisher pulls out a trimmer and shaves off part of his mustache. After Manning's 30th completion of the day, Fisher's mustache is almost one-quarter of the way gone.
Redskins at Giants-
Satan shows up on the field during the fourth quarter to take Mark Brunell's soul. When Brunell pleads with him, saying that the deal was for a full year of Pro Bowl-caliber performance, Satan says, "So sue me" and then reaches into the back of Brunell's neck.
Chiefs at Cardinals-
Shortly after kickoff, a stunned crowd watches as Cardinals head coach Denny Green strips down to his underwear yelling, "Damn it's hot. It's Africa hot out here. .....Fuck! I'm fuckin' burnin' up. .....Fuck me, it's fuckin' hot!"
Jets at Jaguars-
Immediately after the Jags first scoring drive, play-by-play announcer Don Criqui continuously shouts, "J!-E!-T!-S!, SUCK!, SUCK!!, SUCK!!!" until his mic is finally turned off and he's whisked away back to a mental hospital in upstate New York.
Raiders at Niners-
New NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell attends the game. Prior to the coin toss, he unexpectedly saunters to the 50-yard line, glass of whisky in one hand, a cigarette in the other, grabs the referee's field mike and shouts, "Welcome to the 2007 NFL Draft. The Oakland Raiders are now on the clock."
Cowboys at Eagles-
As part of a touchdown celebration, Terell Owens runs to the stands and proposes to Mama McNabb. She accepts. Later that evening, Donovan McNabb is rushed to the hospital after downing a bottle of pain killers.
Steelers at Chargers-
While in an offensive huddle in the first quarter, Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward remove each other's helmets and proceed to French-kiss each other for approximately 45 seconds before being seperated by Joey Porter. Porter and Ward then swap spit for another 30 seconds or so before being seperated by Troy Polamalu. This chain of activity continues the overabundance of removing-the-helmet, delay of game, too-may-men-on-the-field and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties cause the Steelers to forfeit the contest.
Ravens at Broncos-
This cheerleader skips the game & instead decides to fly to Ohio and watch the game at my house. And yes, she's wearing her uniform.