Oct 24, 2006
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam
So I went to see Spamalot last weekend. I know what you’re thinking- “Hey, that’s a Broadway musical. You’re gay!” Uh, yeah but it’s also Monty Python, so Hey, no I’m fucking not! The works of Monty Python are a testimony to what brilliant and creative minds can accomplish when they’re given the freedom & resources to take as much drugs as humanly possible. Nobody, and I mean nobody, comes up with dialogue like “ I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” without being hopped-up on a wonderful angel dust-mushroom cocktail. The adaptation for the stage was great. It followed the basic premise of The Holy Grail but branched off a few times to include new scenes and an alternate ending, all of which allowed for the addition of a few more cast members. What kind of cast members? Hot chicks! That's right- hot freakin’, long-legged, big-boobed, beautiful non-British, high-kicking, scantily-clad women, dressed in everything from cheerleader outfits to bikinis to bustierres! I'm telling you, it was Monty Python with hot chicks! This is right up there with peanut butter & jelly, steak & lobster, Donny & Marie, er, whatever. Add in the fact that there was hard liquor available in the lobby & I have just two words to sum-up the evening. Good times.
And it got me to thinking. There were only two things missing that could have made the night perfect: A) an intermission hummer from Mama Squintz, and B) a late-night NFL game as a nightcap. But since I knew that Mama S. was already tied up over at Matt’s house and the NFL doesn’t schedule Saturday night games, I had to settle for an intermission consisting only of friendly conversation and a nightcap of SNL and a slightly sick, not-so-slightly snoring wife. So, why no Saturday Night NFL action? I’m sure ABC would bid on that one. Maybe even Spike TV or Comedy Central. Comedy Central would be fantastic. I can see it now, "Join us every Saturday at 10pm for Saturday Night Football Fever right here on Comedy Central!" Hire Don Criqui & Beasley Reese to be the broadcast team and dress ‘em in white disco suits. Then hire a couple comedians who’s bread & butter is making fun of people, say, Geoffrey Rusch and Patrice O'Neal, and let them provide the commentary over-top of Criqui & Reese. They can hear Don & Beasley but Don & Beasley can’t hear them. Add Jessica Simpson as a sideline reporters & we’ve got gold, baby!
Of course, you’d have to find a way to isolate Criqui and the Beeze so they wouldn’t find out about it, otherwise you’d be one-and-done, right? How to do that, how to do that....I know! - you tell 'em that they're the stars of a new reality show that features two football announcers living together with no contact to the outside world for the entire season. Give them all the stats & game film they need but don’t let them watch tv, read newspapers, call home, just like on Big Brother. Their egos are big enough, they’d probably believe that there are people would actually want to see something like this. Give it a name, like, um, Isolation Booth. Tell ‘em it airs Monday nights on Comedy Central & even let them read fake promos for it during the games. It’s brilliant! I’m brilliant! Ain’t I brilliant?! Ahh, I can hear it now…
Criqui: Welcome back. Don Cruqui and Beasley Reese here at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis, where the Rams are holding onto a fourteen to ten lead over the Tennessee Titans. Titans have it, first and ten from their own thirty four yard line. Vince Young back to pass…and he delivers a fastball to his tight end! That should be enough for a first down.
Rush: Would somebody please tell Criqui that this is football, not baseball. There’s pretty much just one way to throw a football- fast & on a line. What was he expecting, a backdoor slider?
Beasley: Nice job of the tight end to get separation from the defender. Look on the replay right here…he gave him a little shove & said “Get outta my way” hahahaha.
O'Neal: Is that what he said Beasley? Really? You heard that from the booth? Shut the fuck up.
Criqui: Oh, and it looks like we have an injured Ram down on the field.
Rush: Did he just say “an injured ram”?
O'Neal: Baaaaa. Baaaaa. Help me, my hoof is broken, Baaaaa!
Criqui: Looks like it’s number fifty one.
Rush: Criqui has no idea who number fifty one is. I’m sure he’s checking the media guide right now. Let’s wait…one….two…three….
Criaui: Wil Witherspoon is the injured Ram on the field and it looks as if it might be some kind of hip flexor.
O'Neal: Now how the fuck does he know that?! What is he, a bad announcer and a bad doctor? Hey, let me diagnose some shit. That guy has a menstrual cramp, Beasley’s got anal warts, and Criqui’s suffering from severe dimensia.
Rush: Patrice, whaddya say we check-in with our sideline reporter, Jessica Simpson? Hey Jessica, tell us, how’s Mark Bulger doing?
Jessica: That’s the Rams quarterback, right?
Rush: Uh, yes.
Jessica: Oh, okay. Well, they say he has a con..a con... a commussion. I mean, a combustion.
Jessica: I mean, a contusion.
Jessica: You know, a contusion. Like his head hurts really bad.
O'Neal: You mean a concussion?
Jessica: Yeah! That’s when you have a really bad headache, right?
O'Neal: No, that’s a migraine. A concussion is when you’re jogging and your boobs hit you in the head.
Rush: Hey Patrice, Criqui’s talking about his fake show…
Criqui: While we’re waiting for the medical staff to help the injured player, let me remind you that you can catch the latest episode of Isolation Booth this Monday at eight right here on Comedy Central. In this week’s episode, yours truly hides Beasley’s toothbrush and the hilarity ensues. Don’t miss the next episode of Isolation Booth, Mondays at eight on Comedy Central.
O'Neal: That shit kills me every time.
Okay, I’ve gotta get this out in memo form before I forget. But first, on with the Week 8 Matchups…
Syracuse at Cincinnati-
Okay, have you seen the slate of college games this week? It was either go with the home town boys or an Ivy League contest and I’m saving my Ivy League token for the Harvard-Yale battle.
USC at Oregon State-
You didn't think I'd leave out the annual Trojans-Beavers battle, did you?
And for what it's worth, my guess is that the Trojans offense will penentrate the Beavers defense and explode all over them.
Too juvenile? No. Okay then.
By the way, I know you've all seen the USC cheerleaders in their white sweaters. But have you seen them at the beach?
Cardinals at Packers-
Denny Green's bunch turns in an historic Monday Night choke-job against the Bears, follows that up with a loss to the hopeless Raiders (the RAIDERS!) and now they're headed to Green Bay. If they fall to the crappy Pack, I know one big black teddy bear who's gonna need a lot of blueberry waffles to dull the pain.
Falcons at Bengals-
The Bengals are becoming extremely hard to figure out. Lots of talent but lots of injuries. Sometimes the defense is very good, sometimes it's mildly horrible. They're like the crazy chick that every guy dates for a little while at least once in his life. The one who paints her nails black, collects abstract art, still listens to The Cure, and likes to dress up like Xena & go to Midevil festivals. You're never sure exactly what you're gonna get with a girl like that. She might simply darken the room and light some patchouli, she might whip out some handcuffs and a ball-gag, or, she might fall into a state of desperate manic depression, lock herself in the bathroom, slit her wrists and write some cryptic message on the wall in her own blood. It's real crapshoot, really.
Ravens at Saints-
Okay, at the count of three we'll all wake up and the Saints will be crappy again, just like they're supposed to be. One, two, ....
Texans at Titans-
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to the latest Don Criqui Game of the Week!
Jaguars at Eagles-
Apparently Donovan McNabb suffered through another bout of vomiting during last week’s game in Tampa. Is it just me or have I heard this story at least twelve other times? Dude is always barking at the ground. Mark my words, someday we’re gonna see this news headline….
Seahawks at Chiefs-
Nope, no Madden Curse whatsoever.
Niners at Bears-
Damn the Niners. Damn them straight to Urlacher!
Bucs at Giants-
I know a lot of people like this Bruce Gradkowski kid. Gruden likes him ‘cause he’s tougher than Chris Simms. And he’s right, he is tougher than Chris Simms. So is a bowl of vanilla pudding but I’m not gonna put it under-center. Let’s not forget that Brucey G is a terrible roughing the passer penalty and a miracle 62-yard field goal away from being 0-3 since taking over. Excuse me for not getting on the bandwagon yet but I like my quarterbacks over 6-ft tall and non-Polish, thank you.
Rams at Chargers-
Shawne Merriman doesn’t want you to judge him on the latest news that he tested positive for steroids. His agent wants you to know that it was caused by a tainted nutritional supplement, not by shooting-up in some dark alley. I want them both to know that the commissioner is going to suspend Shawne for six games. Four for the steroid use, one for treating the fans like we’re stupid, and one for having the useless “e” on the end of his name.
Colts at Broncos-
Warning to Jake Plummer: Backup Quarterbacks In Your Rear View Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear.
Jets at Browns-
It is my sincere pleasure to introduce the new New York Jets flag girls....
Steelers at Raiders-
In the last three months, Ben Slothlisberger has had a motorcycle accident which resulted in a broken jaw, loss of teeth, and various contusions. He’s also suffered two concussions, and has had to have his appendix removed. Yep, I’d say my voodoo doll is working just fine.
Cowboys at Panthers-
Okay Coach Parcells, let me have a look at your chart. Hmmm…you’re borderline morbidly obese, you work for an overbearing owner who likes to sit-in on your meetings, you have to deal with a rabid and increasingly unhappy fan base, a rabid and increasingly unhappy wide receiver, and now you’re going with an unexperienced quarterback…. Do you want me to schedule your double-bypass now, or would you like to check your schedule?
Patriots at Vikings-
Did somebody say Vikings? And Spam?...
Posted by Smitty