Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Nov 27, 2007

A bedroom machete, the Double Shovel, Courtney Love's underwear, Barney Fife, my tour in Nam, The Predator, and Synchronized Group Defacation

Like most of you, the first thing I thought when I heard that Sean Taylor had been shot was, "Shit, I hope Chris Henry didn't shoot him." And the next thing that popped into my head was, "I wonder if Pac Man Jones shot him?" Then I thought to myself, "I wonder if we still have any of that leftover spicy chicken dip left in the fridge."

Look, I’m sorry that Sean Taylor died. It’s tragic, it’s uncalled for, and it’s especially terrible for his infant daughter. But I am so sick and tired of what typically happens after an incident like this. I’m sick of every normally sarcastic, attention-whoring Joe Sports Talk Host falling over himself to show his sensitive side to the world. “My heart goes out to the whole Redskin family…”, “It’s just a reminder that life is so very precious…”, “Our thoughts and prayers are with the Taylor family…”

What?! Five minutes ago you were trashing a player for an end zone celebration, demanding that a coach be fired, and belittling a caller. And before you send your heart out to anyone, you might first want to see if they really want something that small, black and frozen before you go to the trouble of retrieving it from the iron padlocked box you keep it in while you’re on the air.

You didn’t know Sean Taylor. All you know is that the dude got shot & died and your bullcrap sensor is telling you to start dishing out your best funeral lines. If you’re going to be a wise-cracking jackball (not unlike myself), then be a wise-cracking jackball. Turning sincere when someone dies is so, well, insincere. “That Sean Taylor is a punk. Just another punk from the U. Remember when he spit on that Tampa Bay player? What a jerkwad. They should’ve suspended….What? He’s dead? … Let me be the first to offer my condolences to the Taylor family. We joke around a lot on this show but you never want to see someone die.”

Really? I’d like to see some people dead. OJ, Robert Blake, Michael Moorer, anyone who willfully harms a child, Osama Bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Mike Brown, Chris Berman, any distant rich relatives who may happen to have me in their will, Kim Jung Il, Ashton Kutcher, and, of course, all two-faced Joe Sports Talk Guys.

And to be fair, it’s not just the radio hosts. It’s also the callers, the message board goofs, bloggers, and EVERYONE at ESPN. Everybody’s a blowhard until someone dies. Then, it’s time to straighten up your dress, put on a solemn face, and talk with your “inside” voice. Hell, I’ll bet even Stephen A. Smith and Sterling Sharpe have toned it down to levels that, for a change, will not cause your ears to bleed. As much as I like my ears not to bleed, this behavior isn’t genuine and it’s really kind of insulting. And I hate to break it to you guys but it doesn’t give you credibility or show your maturity. It only shows that you’re either a) faking it now or b) your normal everyday blowhard act is fake. Either way, to steal a line from Good Will Hunting, “You’re suspect!”

Just say it like it is. Taylor was a thug who unfortunately got shot while not acting like a thug. Probably. Or maybe somebody thought he had it coming. Or not. Who knows? His fiancée was quoted as saying that they heard a loud noise in the house and Taylor grabbed the machete he kept in the bedroom for protection and started out to investigate.
Go ahead and read that again, I’ll wait...
…. A machete? Seriously? Well, yeah I guess that’s normal. Most upstanding citizens have machetes in their bedrooms. Chances are, if you’ve got a machete in your bedroom, eventually things are not going to end well for you.

I didn’t know him, he didn’t know me. I didn’t shoot him and I won’t be at the funeral so I really have no emotions about it. I’m just wondering who the Skins are going to plug in at safety.

Thursday Night

Packers at Cowboys
Winner of this one likely winds up getting home-field throughout the NFC playoffs.
Hmmm, an NFC championship game played in cozy Dallas with God peeking down through the roof, or an NFC championship game played in godforsaken country with two feet of snow on the ground. I’ll be rooting for the Pack. Not because I want to see a snow game in January, because I can’t stand smiley guys. Tony Romo’s a smiley guy. Hey Tony, hows about you and Hines Ward take your smiley faces on down to a gay bar and sing along to some Village People songs. It’s times like these when I need my new invention to become reality. The Double Shovel. One long wooden handle, two square-faced shovels…. Hey Tony, Hines, come over here for a second. I have to ask you guys something. Here, stand next to each other. A little closer…BLAMM!!!


Niners at Panthers
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!

Bills at Redskins-
I think the Skins have to make a roster move.
Hell, I know, whatever.

Texans at Titans-
New Oilers versus old Oilers and neither of them is called the Oilers. Instead, one team’s named after giant, mythical people and the other is named after people who wear giant, mythical belt buckles. That’s what you call a lose-lose.

Falcons at Rams-
Joey Harrington and the Falcons battle Gus Frerotte and the Rams, this Sunday on FOX!

Seahawks at Eagles-
You get the feeling that the Seahawks could lose the rest of their games and still wind up winning the NFC West? That division’s crappier than Courtney Love’s underwear after one of her normal pot pie, gin, and diet pills lunch.

Chargers at Chiefs-
Speaking of the west, these two ho-hummers are battling for first place in the AFC West. Good Lord, football teams are a lot like Irish bars this season- you can’t find but one or two decent ones west of Chicago.

Lions at Vikings-
Look Jon, it’s Jesus. And he’s purple!

Jaguars at Colts-
Can you imagine what Del Rio’s Jags could do if they ever got a quarterback who could throw? They could win at least nine games a year with a wounded elderly platypus behind center. They’ll probably win ten with David Garrard. They’d likely win fourteen if they had Manning. Peyton, that is. They’d likely only win six if they had Eli. Three less than with the platypus.

Jets at Dolphins-
Ho. Ly. Crap, what a game! If the Fish lose this one, things get a little desperate and really depressing in Miami. I can smell the carbon monoxide in the locked garage already.

Broncos at Raiders-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
Everyone knows that The Black Hole is the end zone section at Raiders home games where people dress up like freakish GWAR members and commit unspeakable acts. What is the most unspeakable act ever committed there?
a) The sodomization of a recently deceased horse
b) Synchronized group defacation
c) The sacrifice of a live hot dog vendor to appease the Third Down God
d) A round-robin chess tournament
e) I can’t say because, well, it’s unspeakable

Answer: e)

Browns at Cardinals-
I know what you're thinking, "Holy crap, Romeo Crennel's gotta spend over three hours baking in the Arizona sun!" First of all, yeah, ewww! Bet secondly, don't worry, the grounds crew had plenty of practice over the last couple years when Denny Green rolled up & down the sidelines. They've virtually got the sweat puddle drainage system down to a science.

Buccaneers at Saints-
Hey fellas, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!

Tinks (Giants) at Bears-
Here we have a pressure game featuring two quarterbacks who handle pressure worse than Barney Fife. It ought to be fun to see which one shoots himself in the foot and which one locks himself in the jail cell with Otis.

Bengals at Steelers-
Did you happen to see the horrendous field conditions at Heinz Field on Monday Night? Watch this shit...

Holy mother of rice patties, I haven’t seen terrain that fucked up since my tour in Nam. I know, I was only three years old when the Vietnam War, er, Conflict ended but they took me ‘cause I was an explosives expert and a black belt in Jujistu. Also, thanks to my nanny, Shing Wan, I spoke fluent Vietnamese and was pretty adept at wooing information out of the oriental girls.

Monday Night

Patriots at Ravens
Watching last week’s Pats-Eagles game was like that scene in The Predator where they see its’ neon green blood dripping onto a leaf. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

But before anyone gets their hopes up, remember, that hideous creature killed like eight guys before Schwarzenegger finally had to blow it up with a shitload of explosives. The Ravens seem to be fresh out of explosives.

Nov 20, 2007

Ball-Licking, Cinnamony Yams, Mike Brown, Moving to Yuma, Charger Girls, Raven Guys, Jodie Foster, Salma Hayek, and the bittersweet smell of 0-16

No time for me to wax eloquently this week. Not even enough time for me to wax my balls. Can you wax your balls? You can shave 'em. I highly recommend that. And I'm not just trying to be funny. Dr. Evil was right, there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. I'm telling you, you want your woman to lick your balls, shave your scrotum. I think I've said too much. Here's are some quick Turkey Day cooking tips that will hopefully make you forget what I just said, then it's on with the matchups....

Turkey Day

Packers at Lions-
I’m thankful for cheese. And holidays in Detroit. Nothing says the holidays quite like violent crime in a depressed urban area. Hey grandpa, could you please pass the stuffing….and while you’re at it, call 911, a stray bullet just tore through Aunt Sally’s rib cage. Wow, who made the yams this year? They are awesome! So cinnamonny.

Jets at Cowboys-
I’m thankful for cowgirls. And pasties.

Colts at Falcons-
I’m thankful that I didn’t drop $85 on a Mike Vick jersey last winter. I’m not so thankful that I instead dropped that $85 on a round of Jager bombs and eight minutes at the blackjack table. I got busted on more 13’s and 14’s that night. It was like an episode of To Catch a Predator.


Titans at Bengals-
I’m thankful for Jeff Fisher’s big ol’ cookie duster. I’m also thankful for the slow anal rape that Mike Brown has been administering to us for the last 17 years. We ran out of KY Jelly about 13 years ago but, God love him, he just keeps on thrusting it up in there. When you stop Mikey, and some day you’ll have to, I’m gonna commission someone to make a huge shovel made of solid titanium and I’m going to kabong it into your enormous pasty forehead. Then, I’ll take a dump on the indentation and hire gimps to violate your ear holes. Oh, and I’m also thankful for my anger management classes.

Bills at Jaguars-
I’m thankful teams whose nickname begins with the same letter as the city they play in. Except for the Chicago Cubs. Fuck the Cubs.
Oh, and I also like halfbacks with three names who knock the snot out of former steroid users...

Raiders at Chiefs-
I’m thankful that I no longer have a mullet.

Seahawks at Rams-
I’m thankful for bald quarterbacks.

Whoops, my bad. Honest mistake. Here ya go...

Redskins at Buccaneers-
I’m thankful pirate ships and treasure chests. Especially treasure chests. But mostly just chests. Big chests. Big and healthy, with large, glorious nipples. Hey look, whaddya know, a visual example…

Texans at Browns-
I’m thankful that I don’t live in Cleveland. I’m also thankful that we finally got the details on Derek Anderson’s deal with the devil. According to documents illegally obtained by Palooza insiders, Anderson gets one Pro Bowl season in exchange for his soul (duh), a kidney from his first born child, a Browns replica helmet autographed by Jim Brown, a case of Natural Light, and two courtside seats to the next Cavs-Pistons game in Cleveland (Satan’s from Detroit).

Saints at Panthers-
I’m thankful that my girlfriend dumped that loser Reggie Bush to go out with me.
Screw you, Reggie. Go share a Subway sub with Jared. I'm going to treat Kim to a hot beef sub with man sauce.

Niners at Cardinals-
I’m thankful for the University of Phoenix. Not only is it the namesake of the Cardinals beautiful new stadium, it’s also the online college that makes dreams come true. And I’m proud to announce that after a mere 36 months as a University of Phoenix correspondence student, Mama Squintz has just earned an associate’s degree in Trailer Park Management. She’s asked me and my girlfriend Kim Kardashian to move with her to Yuma where she’s been offered a position as manager of a twenty five trailer community. It pays $26,000 per year guaranteed and her very own double wide, including utilities. Kim says she’s not going but I’ve got a bottle of Roofies and some rope that say she’s at least going to give it a try.

Vikings at Giants-
I’m thankful that my parents didn’t name me Eli. Or Tavarius. Or Plaxico.

Ravens at Chargers-
I’m thankful for the Charger Girls.

The Ravens Guys, not so much.

Broncos at Bears-
I’m thankful for Denver omelets. And Chicago-style pizza. And Alka Seltzer.

Eagles at Patriots-
I’m thankful for the dream I had last night. No, not the one about Jodie Foster and a vibrating iPhone. That was Johnny B’s dream. What? No, not the one about being held prisoner by a band of disgruntled busty latina maids led by Salma Hayek. Yes, that one was mine but…. Yeah, I know, it did kick ass but…. I know, the part when the blonde one snuck into my cell in the middle of the night and started taking off…. Okay stop. I’m talking about the dream where the Patriots decide to run up the score one-too-many times and an opposing roid-raging linebacker tears his arm out of socket while flinging him head first into the ground. Twice. That was awesome! Okay, not as awesome as the latina maids but definitely way better than Johnny B’s lame Jodie Foster one.

Monday Night

Dolphins at Steelers
I’m thankful for chasing leftover turkey sandwiches with a nice big bag of weed. Whaddya know, 0-16 smells a lot like reefer.

Nov 14, 2007

Erkel Sanford, Birkenstock Betty, Norvelous Norv, the Houston Whitneys, some melting hoodie dookie, and Bill Walsh in hell

First a short movie, and then we'll get right to the matchups.

Buccaneers at Falcons-
Whew, boy. Niiiiice matchup, eh? We can’t start things off with a crap sandwich like this, can we? Hell no! Girls, save us. It’s Posedown Time!!!

Browns at Ravens-
Boller gets the start for Baltimore this week and instantly puts my old “Goddammit Kyle!” joke back on high alert. But you can’t blame Brian Billick for making the move. I mean, did you see Steve McNair last Sunday? He looked like horseshit. He now has the mobility of Fred Sanford and the arm strength of Erkel. You know what, he’s Erkel Sanford. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was talking to himself out on the field…. “Oooh, an incomplete pass. Did I do thaaayttt? You sure did, you big dummy! Lemont, throw this dummy outta here before I….Oh, (clutching his chest) this is the big one….Elizabeth, I’m comin’ to meet ya’….”

Giants at Lions-
Two teams, one appropriate joke: Your defense is like a circle. No corners.
Yeah, I know, I'm a fucking laugh riot. But seriously, even if they manage to make the playoffs, can either of these teams expect to get very far with such shitty defenses? No, the answer is no. And I can't even believe you answered that, it was a rhetorical question, like when a stripper asks if you'd like a lap dance, or when the waitress at the all-u-can-eat steakhouse asks you if you'd like another sirloin, or when Mama Squintz asks you if you'd like to play another round of "Bury the Mud Turtle". There's really no need to answer. Just wink and move on.

Dolphins at Eagles-
Ricky Williams has officially been reinstated by the NFL. Ho. Ly. Crap this is great!
An out of shape, reefer madness running back with social issues is just what an 0-9 team needs to successfully complete a perfect run to 0-16! This is truly a glorious day. Aw man, I’m gonna have to write about this in my journal. Wait, this kinda is my journal. Okay, while I’m here, um, …November 14, 2007- I tried calamari for the first time last night & it was yummy. My Dad has like totally been getting on my nerves lately. That cute girl at Starbucks smiled at me this morning. DJ Jazzy Jerry is a poo-poo head. My new favorite color is EDD761 on the color wheel. My new favorite song is Tangerine by Them Terribles. And I’m still fascinated after all these years by my wife’s big boobies.

Raiders at Vikings-
Purple Jesus will miss this one with a knee injury so normally I’d declare this one completely unwatchable. However, to paraphrase The Rock: Finally, Daunte Culpepper has come BACK to Minnesota!
Yep, he’s back and he’s carrying a big bag of poo (aka the Raiders offense). Sadly enough though, he’s been better than that two-headed, bi-racial, unproductive QB combo that the Vikes have been rolling out under center this season. Okay, maybe this one is completely unwatchable. Tell ya what, I’ll watch as long as someone in the Metrodome promises to throw eggs at Culpepper when he starts into his “Roll it up, and roll it up, and stick it in the oven and eat it all up” move. Who’s willing to do that for me? Anyone? Yes, you sir with the issues. You’ll do it? Awesome! You sir, are a true berzerker.

Chargers at Jaguars-
The Norv Turner Farewell Tour heads to sunny/crappy Jacksonville!

Chiefs at Colts-
The Horseshoes are playing like horseshit. Two L’s in a row, Peyton’s grumpy (see below)

and who can blame him. I mean, that little kid in the Colts jersey keeps whispering for him to throw it to Clark but Clark’s not playing. Stupid kid.

Cardinals at Bengals-
Chad Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Anquan Boldin, Chris Henry…this one should be a freakin’ aerial circus. There’ll be balls flying around all over the place! It’s gonna be like one of those late nite guys-only parties at Uncle Kracker’s house.

Panthers at Packers-
I have never been so certain about a game as I am about this one. I don’t want to give it away but one of these teams, I’ll call ‘em the Crackers, is going to beat the crap out of the other team, who I’ll refer to as the, uh, Manthers. It’s my Lock of the Week, and it’s yours free if you call 1-900-PIX2WIN in the next twelve minutes.

Saints at Texans-
Time for this week’s pop quiz.
When the city of Houston was granted an expansion franchise to replace the departed Oilers, there were several team names discussed. Texans won out, but only after the first choice was rejected by the NFL. Which of the following was the rejected first choice?
a) Houston We Have A Problem(s)
b) Houston Sam Houstons
c) Houston Whitneys
d) Houston Nutts
e) Houston Shit Farmers

Answer: I don’t remember.

Steelers at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!

But it could be worse. This lady could be part of your fan base....

Bears at Tinks (Seahawks)-
The Seahawks are like one of those average-looking chicks back in college who hung out with butt-ugly friends in order to make herself look better. They’re sitting on their bar stool, cute face, decent ass, but sporting A-cups and some very un-sexy Birkenstocks. Next to her are three of her sorority sisters, one with a unibrow and horseteeth, another with a spare tire and a pig nose, and yet another who looks like Ellen DeGeneres with freckles and a facial scar. Unless you are seriously shit-faced or have lost a bet, after a few beers, you’re taking home Birkenstock Betty, right? See you in the playoffs, Birkenhawks.

Rams at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them… You know what, I think it finally worked. I think they are now in hell. Ha-Ha! Say hi to Bill Walsh while you’re down there, fellas!
Oh, whatever, like you really give a shit about Bill Walsh. He ever buy you a beer or help you move? Give you a reach-around on a campout that you swore to each other you’d never speak of?
Moving on…

Redskins at Cowboys-
Who’s more of a hands-on head coach, Wade Phillips or Bobby Bowden? Let me re-phrase that. Shit, I don’t think I’ve even seen Wade slap on a headset since he’s been in Dallas. I think they just feed him peanut butter and tell him to hold the red flag until they tell him to throw it. Maybe the Chargers should’ve done the same thing with Norvelous Norv.

Patriots at Bills-
I’d love to take a dump in Belicheck’s hoodie, pull it up over his head and tie it real tight.
Then handcuff him, throw him in a sauna and watch the melting dookie start rolling down his face. Too graphic? Really, ‘cause I thought we were at a place where I could be open….Alright, fine, I’ll go see Dr. Henderson.

Monday Night

Titans at Broncos
I was talking to Johnny B about Monday Night Football last week and we both agreed that Tirico, Kornheiser and Jaworski should be stripped naked, thrown together in a big burlap sack and tossed into the nearest polluted river. If that happened, we mused, who would be our Dream Team to take over MNF? Who could take over and make us want to tune in, no matter how crappy the matchup? Johnny B’s three were Dick Enberg, Chris Collinsworth and Dan Marino. Mine is me, Chuck Jones and Kim Kardashian. Are you ready for some football?! A Monday night par-taaay! We got Smitty, Chuck and Kim, we’re gonna get this night started. The stage is set, let’s hit the lights…Just me, a broke-ass homey, and my busty big-ass girlfriend are here for Monday Night!

PS- I believe I managed to work in some reference to feces in each of the matchups this week. Yes, I’m a third grader.

Nov 7, 2007

The anti-Christ, Purple Jesus, a bustle in the hedgerow, a midget manservant, Mayor Mallory, Jon Kitna, and the Great Babu

So I’m watching this show the other night on the ancient Mayan civilization. It turns out that the Mayans had this kick ass calendar that was multi-funtional. This calendar simultaneously tracked movement of the earth around the sun, our galaxy within the milky way, and the menstruation cycle of Bea Arthur. These uber-hip and transcendentally wise Mayans printed up advanced editions of their calendar (presumably to sell in history’s first calendar club scheme) and stored them in some sort of ancient U-Store-It pyramid on the outskirts of the village. The interesting thing about these calendars isn’t their glaring omission of cover girls, it’s that the calendars stop at the year 2012. Now, at first glance, I didn’t find this necessarily odd. I mean, they had to stop somewhere, right? If not, they’d still be printing them and that’s not possible ‘cause the Mayans were wiped out a long time ago. Maybe the 2012 editions were drying on the press when a rival tribe, or the white man, or a fleet of alien warships gave them the final smackdown. Maybe. Or maybe they stopped at 2012 on purpose. Hmmm.

The thought popped into my head when I caught the news of the lost book of Nostradamus. You all know about Nostra-D. He predicted the JFK assassination, the Civil War, the rise and fall of Napoleon, the rise and fall of Hitler, the famine in Ethiopia, and the multiple spinoffs of CSI. This lost book has a few more predictions among is quatraines and one of them is about the “end of days”. He states, quite clearly, that the end of days will occur in the year…..2012. Fuck! Now, this dude has predicted some serious shit. He’s not like those homeless dudes out on Times Square holding up “The End is Near” signs, no, this guy is bo-na-fide. Put his rep together with the genius of the Mayans and it’s simply too much of a coincidence to ignore.

So before quitting my job, cashing in my 401K and our life insurance policies, selling the house, leasing a killer motor home and taking the family on a long farewell tour across the fruited plains, I decided to consult some of my more religious friends to get their take on the matter. I was hoping that they’d tell me to shake myself, get a grip, that the Mayans were full of shit and that Nostradamus was nothing but a French con artist. Much to my shagrin (yes, I’m of Irish descent), they didn’t tell me any of that. Instead, I got a lot of “you know, a lot of things predicted in the bible about the apocalypse is showing up in the world right now” kind of responses. Double Fuck!! Now beyond intrigued, I asked to hear more about the signs of the apocalypse. They cited plagues and famine and natural disasters, you know, your standard end of the world movie plot kinda stuff. But they also mentioned that Satan would be on hand, working his evil, conning the masses and ultimately bringing down God’s final I’ve-had-it-up-to-here-with-you-kids ass whoopin’.

So, I began to think, maybe Satan is here now, already spinning his web. I quickly took a mental inventory of the likely suspects; Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jung Il, Michael Moore, Hillary Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell, Tom Cruise, Chris Berman,…. I jotted down the names and picked up the good book to find descriptions of the devil. I was surprised to find that he (or she) will not be obvious by look or by outward actions. On the contrary, the bible says that the devil will be charming, good-looking and convincing. A silver-tongued devil, if you will. Of course I’m paraphrasing here. If you want the exact wording, drop an email to Johnny B, he’s quite adept at quoting bible verses and Ozzy Osbourne lyrics- don’t ask. Anyway, this new information made me shift my focus. After days of thought and analysis, I believe I’ve unmasked the devil.

This person is attractive, successful, affable, and has millions of followers. This person is touted as an American success story and a courageous hero yet is single-handedly destroying our new national pastime as we speak. This person has blue eyes, a winning smile and, reportedly, a third nipple. The person I speak of in none other than…. Tom Brady. I know, crazy, right? But think about it. First of all, he played at Michigan. Strike One! Secondly, he mated with a supermodel, dumped her and left her alone to give birth to his spawn. Strike Two! He’s the male spokesmodel for Stetson cologne. Strike Three! Also, he came out of nowhere as a sixth round pick to lead the Patriots (yes him, not Belicheck, Belicheck was just a troll in a hoodie before he came along) to four Super Bowls, and his current play has relegated the rest of the league’s games to meaningless fodder, as just a mere prelude to yet another Patriots championship and thus ruining interest & passion for the game and eliminating a much-needed outlet for millions of God-fearing, beer-drinking, tailgating Americans. Strike Four! (for good measure). And if that's all not enough, he's even been spotted wearing the mark of the beast-

Tom Brady. Thomas Edward Brady. Rearrange the letters in his full name and what do you get? Mr Death And War Boy. Got chills yet? You’re on alert. We’re all on alert. According to the Mayans and Nostradamus, we’ve got less than five years to take this guy down. He’s getting stronger by the week and must be stopped immediately! The Patriots are on a bye this week and he’s most certainly sitting in his evil mansion, feeding off of young souls, listening to Bjork cds and gaining strength. When he and his evil army return to action next week, I implore his opponents to do whatever is necessary to stop him. Hit him hard, hit him late, hit him low. Even the toughest of beasts will crumble if hit properly in the knee (I learned that one from Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse). Put this evil demon out of action! Without the stage, he cannot continue to build his following and he cannot continue to ruin our pastime. We’re on to you, Mr Death And War Boy. We are on to you and soon your Stetson-scented hooves and horns will be exposed for all to see.

Shit, did I just call out the devil? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!! Uh, nevermind. Hey, who just posted on my blog? DJ Jazzy Jerry, I told you not to use my computer when I’m not around. Sorry about that everyone.

Now, on with the Week 10 matchups….

Auburn at Georgia-
If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now. It’s just another good ol’ SEC battle between the hedges. The oddsmakers believe that Auburn is gonna be trampled underfoot. Personally, I think the oddsmakers are dazed and confused but hey hey what can I do, they all live over the hills and far away from here. Good God, I’ve gotta quit falling asleep with the Led Zeppelin boxed set playing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ramble on over to the ocean. I used to sing to the mountains but the mountains washed away. Dammit!

Air Force at Notre Dame-
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to two members of the Notre Dame special teams…

Falcons at Panthers-
Michael Vick and the Falcons take on division rival Jake Delhomme and the Panthers, this Sunday on ….. time out. What? Oh, okay. Again from the top…
Joey Harrington and the Falcons take on division rival David Carr and the.….what now?! Oh. Really? Okay, once more from the top, in three, two,…
Byron Leftwich and the Falcons take on division rival Vinny Testaverde and….. Hold on just a minute. You guys are screwing with me, right? Very funny. Where are the cameras? Is Ashton Kutcher back there? Ashton? Come out here Ashton, you got me, you tricky SOB.

Vikings at Packers-

Bow before the Purple Jesus! Bring him assortments of your finest Wisconsin cheeses and wash his feet in your pasteurized cow’s milk. Marvel as he turns fish into bread, water to wine, and four yard losses into 70-yard touchdowns. Get on your knees and behold his purple perfection! Speak no more of Paul Hornung or Edgar Bennett, THIS is the Lord thy tailback! Change the name of your modest village to Purple Bay or he will smite you where you stand!

Broncos at Chiefs-
The battle for first place in the NFC West. If the Broncos win, with the Chargers likely to get pummeled by the Colts, we’ll have ourselves a three-way tie for first place with all three teams sporting an impressive 4-5 record. Winning this division will be like being elected mayor of Cincinnati. Sure, you’re mayor, but you have no real power and you’re still an unathletic bean pole with some, ahem, tendencies.

Bills at Dolphins-
The Fins march to a perfect season continues in front of their home crowd of Central American immigrants this Sunday. I’ll be there selling tacos, tamales, unregistered handguns, and souvenir t-shirts that read “Miami Dolphins 2007: Smells like fish, tastes like 0-16”. I plan to spend my outrageous profits on the purchase of a lavish beach house and a midget manservant whose talents include cooking and whore wrangling. Yes, whore wrangling.

Rams at Saints-
Speaking of 0-16….

Browns at Steelers-
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Romeo Crennel Farewell Tour has officially been cancelled. Please redeem your unused tickets at any of your local IHOPs for a buttered stack of flapjacks and an urn of coffee.

Jaguars at Titans-
Vince Young is the 33rd (yes 33rd) rated quarterback in the league right now, sufering the ills of The Madden Curse, yet the Titans are an unbelievable 6-2.
It's like I always say, never, EVER underestimate the power of the porn ‘stache.

Eagles at Redskins-
This just in: Andy Reid’s sons were just signed by the Bengals.
(yep, that one hurt a little but I had to do it.)

Bengals at Ravens-
The Bengals defense is on pace to set the record for most yardage given up in a season. The current record was set by France in 1940.

Lions at Cardinals-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
If you claim to talk to God, you guarantee a double-digit win total, and your team starts off 5-2, how do you celebrate?
a) Saying grace and then enjoying a nice dinner with friends and family
b) Sharing your good fortune with the less fortunate
c) Reading scripture and spending time on the practice field
d) Going to a Halloween party with your wife dressed as a naked guy and a drive-thru girl, thus embarrassing one of your team’s coaches who was busted earlier in the season for going thru a drive thru with no clothes on.
e) Staying with the skinhead look and looking eerily like my neighbor Chris.

Answer: d) and e)

Cowboys at Giants-
The Big D vs The Big Apple.
The Big Dapple.
Yapple Dapple!

Colts at Chargers-
What’s had a more devastating effect on San Diego over the last few weeks, wildfires or Norv Turner?

Bears at Twinks (Raiders)-
How in the hell did the Bears go from the Super Bowl to the cellar of the NFC North in just nine months? Who cares. They suck. Onto more important things- what do you make of the latest twist on Heroes? Who is this Adam dude, I mean, is he Takiro Kensai? If so, why hasn’t he aged? Where the hell is Skylar? Still with the border jumpers? Has he killed them yet? And what’s up with Claire? She wouldn’t really kill HRG, would she? What the hell kind of self-respecting, tissue-regenerating, indestructible cheerleader would kill the man who raised her? So many questions. I’m sure you guys have questions, too. Anybody? Any one at all? Go ahead, don’t be shy…..Yes, you in the back…… Uh, no, I’m not gay.

Monday Night

Niners at Seahawks-

And speaking of cheerleaders, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!

PS- Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!