Oct 26, 2005
I’ve been writing this weekly Matchup deal for over three years now and this week marks the first time that I sit here with absolutely no idea what to write about. Okay, that’s a lie. Every week, I sit here without a clue, but only for a minute or two and then something comes to me. But tonight…….nothin’. Nada. Zip. I’m not sure why that is. I guess I just haven’t been inspired by anything. Or maybe I’m just tired from working too much. Maybe it’s that Mama Squintz hasn’t been returning any of my calls. I don’t really know.
I do know that inspiration’s a funny thing. It can come from something as simple as a wink from a pretty girl, or a baby’s smile, or a beautiful sunset, or a nice, thick wad of cash, or even a large bag of marijuana with a side order of Cheetos. But I think that whatever it is, you have to be open to the inspiration for it to have any effect on you. It’s kinda like how they say “only those who are willing to be hypnotized can be hypnotized”. Maybe I’m just not in the right state of mind to be inspired right now. That can happen, right? I hear that Billy Joel, one of the great songwriters of the last forty years, hasn’t been able to write any music since 9-11. Once the funniest man on the planet, Eddie Murphy, hasn’t made anyone laugh since he got filthy rich and stopped being filthy funny. Even arguably the greatest golfer ever, Tiger Woods, hasn’t played a truly inspired round since he started plunking his putter into that Swedish girl’s yodel hole. And if it can happen to those kind of talents, it can surely happen to shmoes like us, right?
It can also happen to football teams. Losing your collective inspiration, your “fire”, is always a guaranteed one-way ticket to a losing season. Hell, why do you think coaches are so big on pre-game, halftime, and post-game speeches? They don’t want that fire to burn out. Neither do the players (Well, unless you’re Ron Mexico. In that case, you want anything that will stop the burning). That’s why you see fuck farmers like Ray Lewis yipping and yapping constantly. He’s simply trying to inspire his fellow inmates through the subtle art of barking like a crazed felon carrying a six-inch shank and a burdensome coke habit. And you know what? It usually works. Some players find inspiration from the remarks of their opponents. You don’t think Terell Owens inspires some people? What about Chad Johnson? You’re damn right, they do. Some players find their inspiration from God, some find it from within, and some players who reside in the Minneapolis-St.Paul area find it on a yacht full of high-priced whores. (By the way, who knew you could even find a high-priced whore in Minnesota? Seriously.)
Anyway, the point is, inspiration comes in all shapes, sizes, and prison sentences. The way I see it, you’ve just got to find what inspires you and stick with it while it lasts. I’m currently looking for a new form of inspiration, or two. Until I can find one, I’ll just do it for you twelve idiots. And for the hell of it. Yep, for you twelve idiots and the hell of it. Oh, and also for my cousin Joe who logs in sometimes. You twelve idiots, the hell of it, and my cousin Joe………And maybe also for the excuse to look pick out the Cheerleaders of the Week….And maybe also as a quick diversion from work. Okay, I’ll keep doing it for you twelve idiots, the hell of it, my cousin Joe, the cheerleaders, and to avoid work. And maybe also for the sexual favors I get from Mama Squintz……Let’s see, so I’m doing it for you twelve idiots, the hell of it, Joe, cheerleaders, to avoid work, and two-fisted hummers from Mama S. Okay. So, that’s a pretty good list. If one of you could find your way to sending me a case of Bud Select and a can of honey-roasted peanuts, that, along with the other crap should keep me going through at least Week 12. And now that I’m semi pumped-up, here are the Week 8 Matchups......
Georgia at Florida-
For a while now, this has been billed as The World's Largest Cocktail Party. Strange, considering I don't think anyone down South would ever be caught dead at an actual cocktail party. The World's Largest Cocktail Party should be between teams like Connecticut and Boston College, right? This beer & barbecue blowout should be called something more appropriate, like The World's Largest Hillbilly Hooch Festival or The Moonshine Mixer, or, my personal favorite, Rednecks Gone Wild .
Oklahoma at Nebraska-
When was the last time these two proud programs were both out of the Top 25 at the same time? Uh, yesterday.
The Sooners. The Huskers. The Battle for middle of the pack in the Big 12, this Saturday, only on ABC!
Cardinals at Cowboys-
So let me get this straight- the real Drew Bledsoe finally stood up last week and the kicker gets the ax? I sure hope for the punter's sake that Drew doesn't throw any more ill-timed picks this week.
Bears at Lions-
Winner of this one will sit atop the NFC Central........and still suck.
Browns at Texans-
Am I wrong, or does the expression "now or never" come to mind for the Texans here? If they lose at home to the Browns, I say we fly in the Rice Owls for an exhibition game, you know, just for shits & giggles.
Packers at Bengals-
Who Dey! Who Dey! Who Dey think just exposed dem Bengals?!
I've got just three words to say about last week. Fuck. Me. Sideways.
Hey, but the good news is that Brett Fav-ruh comes to town with just one healthy receiver, no halfback, and a real nasty painkiller hangover.
Jaguars at Rams-
Uh, not to alarm anyone, but do you think someone should put Marshall Faulk's face on a milk carton soon?
Vikings at Panthers-
The Mike Tice Farewell Tour with special guest The Nordic Orgy Yacht Club is rolling into Carolina this weekend. Get your tickets now at any Ticketmaster location!
Raiders at Titans-
If it wasn't for the Texans-Browns extravaganza this would have Don Criqui's name written all over it.
Redskins at Giants-
I finally got the terms of Mark Brunell's deal with the devil. Brunell gets two more solid seasons in return for his youngest child, his second-born male grandchild, and, of course, his soul.
Chiefs at Chargers-
Poor Marty. He's got one of the top three or four teams in the AFC but is staring at a 3-4 record. He must feel like dog crap. Geez, just imagine how much worse he'd feel if he knew that his daughter got nailed by my old college roommate.
(Nope, still not tired of that one.)
Dolphins at Saints (in Baton Rouge)-
Ricky Williams goes home!
I wonder if his dealer relocated to Baton Rouge, too.
Eagles at Broncos-
Did you happen to catch T.O.'s latest egotistical touchdown moment? Wow, acting like a waiter- what a stretch! Who knew he had such range as an actor/entertainer? What's next, a diving catch followed by two minutes miming the final scene of My Dinner With Andre?
Bucs at Niners-
The Bucs are coming off of a bye week to face the hapless (yes, I'm grinning) Niners. Two weeks to prepare for the Niners? Isn't that like having two weeks to prepare for the GED? Hang on, let me go ask Mama Squintz.
Bills at Patriots-
Teddy Bruschi's back. Good for him. Probably the feel-good story of the season. Um, would it be at all inappropriate for the scoreboard operator to play a couple bars of Billy Squire's "The Stroke" when Teddy makes his first tackle? Okay, okay, just asking.
(Monday Night) Ravens at Steelers-
Over/Under on the number of times I wish death or dismemberment upon Hines Ward, Jerome Bettis, Ray Lewis, and Brian Billick combined during this one: 375.
Over/Under on the number of times I envision John Madden in a two-piece red mesh swimsuit: 4
Over/Under on the number of times I envision Michelle Tafoya in a two-piece red mesh swimsuit during this game: 2
Oct 20, 2005
You know when you get a phone call and you hang up wondering what the hell just happened? Well, I got one of those phone calls from Johnny Utah a couple days ago. It seems all he really wanted to tell me was that he figured out that if their was a Smurf who just so happened to be a whore, then the slang term for that would be a “Smore”. Johnny thought this was especially funny ‘cause that’s also the slang term for those graham cracker-chocolate-marshmallow deals you make when you’re out camping, so he’d come up with a slang term with a double-meaning. Rare? Yes. Funny? Maybe. Really funny? Not so much. But Johnny thought is was really funny and maybe he’s right. Or maybe he’d just got done huffing some paint thinner and got caught up reliving his childhood crush on Smurfette. Hard to tell. But it got me to thinking…..
Words can be pretty funny sometimes. Especially when they’re used improperly or out of context. Like when someone says they’re nauseous when what they really mean to say is that they feel nauseated. Or when someone asks you if they can axe you a question. Or when someone expecially wants to talk about all nucular weapons they supposably found last Febuary or the omnipotent rights of the Klu Klux Klan to march down past the liberry. That shit is funny. Just be careful not to fall into those traps. Use the spellcheck thingy. Don’t give people the chance to ridicule you. After all, it’s a doggy dog world out there, right? You think the people up in Harvard and Yale go around talking like that? Nope. They speak respectably and say things like “Hey, try not to pahk yah cah next to da library tomarrah. The Klan would be wicked pissed at’cha.” Classy shit.
Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about?……….Words. Yeah, they can be funny. And maybe Johnny was onto something with his whole double-meaning slang thing. I mean, “Smore” seems like a perfectly good term for a Smurf whore. And just because the campground treat came first shouldn’t keep any little, blue sluts from using it, too. Maybe there’s more words like that, words just waiting for another meaning to help revive their careers. Kinda like Travolta right before he got the call from Tarantino to be in Pulp Fiction. Whaddya say we grab some paint thinner and try a few? Here goes........
Slurpie= a slut with herpes
Ripples = a rigid set of nipples
Matchups= Matt's Easy Cheese-Flavored Hiccups
That was fun. Let me know if any of you deviants can come up with some more.
And speaking of matchups.........
Princeton at Harvard-
Over/Under on the number of Muffy's, Buffy's and Kitten's in the crowd: 472
Brown at Cornell-
I've said it before and I'll say it again....this makes about as much sense as a Miami, FL vs Florida State chessmatch.
Lions at Browns-
Garcia or Harrington?.....Garcia or Harrington??.......Garcia or Harrington??? Poor Mariucci. This is like trying to decide whether to have the shit sandwich on rye or the booger sandwich on wheat for lunch. Both smell bad to ya, and you know they're both going to leave a terrible taste in your mouth when all's said & done.
Packers at Vikings-
So now that Culpepper's name has been linked to the Nordic Sex Cruise Scandal, can we maybe get his "Teachers are great. Without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today...." commercial off of the NFL Network?
Colts at Texans-
What’s the scientific term for a 16-0 team crossing the path of an 0-16 team? An “anal flogging”? That’s right, thanks.
Chiefs at Dolphins-
Glad to see the Fins got AJ Feeley out of the way so that the Gus Frerotte Era could continue on and flourish without any interruption.
Saints at Rams-
No Deuce, no Bulger, no Coach Doubtfire….No real reason to what this crapfest.
Steelers at Bengals-
I have looked it up and I've found the answer to a question that's been burning a hole in my brain for some time now.......According to the official Scrabble website, Houshmanzedeh is worth 34 points and Roethlisberger is worth a paltry 20.
Chargers at Eagles-
Isn't it about time for T.O. to start griping about something? The silence is eerie, isn't it? Makes you wonder if he's hiding outside in the bushes wearing a goalie mask and carrying a large cleaver.
Niners at Redskins-
According to my calculations, the wheels should start falling off the Skins wagon right about....(the Niners are in town?).......uh, in about nine days.
Cowboys at Seahawks-
Last week, I realized that Hasselbeck is the nephew of a guy I graduated with from grade school. When did I become such an old fucking bastard?
Ravens at Bears-
I've got $50 on this being the first 0-0 NFL contest in modern history.
Bills at Raiders-
No Moss, no chance. Hmmmm....what's that I hear? It's a parade! The Norv Turner Farewell Tour is getting assembled!
Broncos at Giants-
Will the real Jake Plummer please stand up (and throw four interceptions). Thank you.
Titans at Cardinals-
I'm guessing Don Criqui and Steve Tasker are doing this one.
(Monday Night) Jets at Falcons-
J!-E!-T!-S! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!
Oct 13, 2005
Anybody else seen an episode of this show called Breaking Bonaduce? This is the show about that fat little redheaded Partridge Family kid who’s now all grown up and, well, completely fucking insane. Seriously. Dude is the most intense whack-job I have ever seen, heard about, or could possibly imagine. He’s a ‘roid-raging, bi-polar, mean-ass drunk with an overblown, under-fed ego and a full-blown Napoleon Complex to boot. It’s like watching some sort of illegitimate spawn of Robert Blake and the Heat Meiser. He’s certainly come a long way from faking it on a drum set and singing backup to “Come on, Get Happy.”
Bonaduce threatens to cripple people. He threatens to “end” people. He threatens to sue people. He threatens to kill himself. He named his kids Countess Isabella and Count Dante. It’s disturbing. It’s alarming. It’s perplexing. And, yes, it’s kinda funny. Kinda funny ‘cause he sometimes goes so over-the-top with his braggadocio that you suddenly realize that despite being portrayed as a short, ugly, hairy, walking time bomb, Bonaduce likes, no, LOVES the attention. And think about it; anytime it becomes apparent that somebody who downplays being in the spotlight actually needs the spotlight, it’s funny. Real funny.
Now don’t get me wrong, although funny, it wouldn’t be so funny if he lived in my world. Okay, it’d still be kinda funny, but it’d also be a colossal pain in the ass. And that’s what has me confused. After getting over the initial shock of the depths of his dysfunction, I found myself wondering more about the people around him- his wife, his friends, his co-workers- than about Bonaduce himself. At one point I started yelling at the screen like a black guy in the cinema during a horror movie. RUN! RUN! GET DA FUCK OUTTA DA HOUSE!! THAT CRAZY MUTHAFUCKA’S COMIN’!!!
Yep, because they linger around, his wife and friends are just as nuts as he is- probably worse. At least he has addictions and chemical imbalances to blame. Their only excuse is that they are inexplicably drawn to being part of a train wreck. Hell, even those crazy-ass storm chasers keep a little distance from tornados. These klondikes walk right back into the eye of that redheaded twister every day. (Yawwwwwwn & stretch) Hey, maybe today will be a better-------AAAAAARGHHH!!!!!!!! ….Fuck, didn’t see that coming. ...Again.
So how and why is this relevant? Uh, it’s probably not. But it does show that everybody’s got somebody. And everybody can make life a living hell for those somebodies. But those somebodies have a choice. Just like referee Mike Carey said to Terrell Suggs last week, Mrs. ‘Duce should tell Danny, “You’re outta here.” And she should probably say it over the phone, from across the globe, after having been careful to leave no possible way of being tracked. Then maybe we can get Danny to listen to his shrink, kick the bottle, throw away the ‘roids needles, and morph back into something more closely resembling a human being.
That’d be good.
(Oh, and if you think Bonaduce is nuts, what do you call a guy who worships the "teachings of the Partridge Family"? Call him Adam- http://www.partridgefamilytemple.com/ )
Anyway, I say we clean up all of the headcase pseudo-celebs. Bonaduce, Whitney Houston, Kelly Osborne, Omarosa, Gary Busey, …….. Get ‘em all, as motivational speaker Matt Foley would say, “Back on the right track.” Then, cast them all in a special Celebrity Big Brother series. Yep, drop ‘em all in that house like experimental gerbils at a lipstick factory. Watch ‘em run on the sanity wheel until they loose footing and fall back down to Crazy Town. Vegas would have to give odds like “First Celebrity Big Brother Castmember to Set Themselves on Fire” and give an over/under on “The Number of Times A Felony Will be Committed After Dark in the House”. Speaking of odds, it’s getting late, I’m waaaaay off on a tangent, and the Matchups are waiting. Let’s go…….
USC at Notre Dame-
Seriously, how long before they start printing “Weis Guys” t-shirts in South Bend?
Florida at LSU-
Quick, what's the name of LSU's new head coach.
A) Les Paul
B) Les Nessman
C) Les Miles
D) L. Les Ewe
Falcons at Saints (in San Antonio)-
Ron Mexico still questionable with a strained knee and an infected unit.
Our Pigskin Palooza Cheerleader of the Week is also questionable with a strange nipple infection.
Panthers at Lions-
The Panthers have three tailbacks. All three are either listed as “questionable” or “doubtful” for Sunday. But please, don’t let that sway your pick.
Bengals at Titans-
Kevin Kaesvaharn’s making a strong bid for induction into the Arm-Tackling Hall of Fame.
Browns at Ravens-
Brian Billick may want to consider slipping some mild sedatives into the Gatorade. After first getting permission from the Warden, of course.
Jaguars at Steelers-
Two words: Charlie. Batch.
Dolphins at Bucs-
Two more words: Ricky. Toking. Williams.
Vikings at Bears-
Two more words: Kyle. Orton. Sucks.
Is anyone really surprised here? He got benched last year at Purdue. Helloooooo.
Giants at Cowboys-
Winner of this one officially becomes the “Where the Fuck Did they Come From?” Team of 2005.
Redskins at Chiefs-
Speaking of “where the fuck did they come from?”, I get the feeling the Redskins are getting set to “go the fuck back”.
Patriots at Broncos-
Hey Jake Plummer, nice ‘stache. Always good to look like the bass player from .38 Special.
Jets at Bills-
Testaverde. Holcombe. This Sunday on CBS!
Chargers at Raiders-
Moss, Sapp, Collins, Janikowski………Fifty bucks says Bonaduce is a Raiders fan.
Texans at Seahawks-
The Dom Capers Farewell Tour hits Seattle!
(Monday Night) Rams at Colts-
Coach Doubtfire is out with a viral infection, or something. Well, that's it, now I’m not watching.
Oct 4, 2005
So I’m watching tv last night and I see another one of those commercials with the Miller Lite referees whistling people for drinking beers that allegedly have “less taste” than Miller Lite. It got me to thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could drop a yellow flag on people we saw doing stupid shit? I mean, there are a lot of stupid people on this big revolving ball of gas, doing a lot of stupid things all the time. Let me give you some examples and let’s start with the lady I saw pushing a stroller down Pleasant Ave. on Monday. She had a little girl asleep in the stroller, not strapped in, sliding out of the front of the stroller, feet dragging on the concrete. Nice parental awareness. That stupid broad needed to be whistled, flagged, and hit with an Unmotherlike Conduct penalty. Just run up, whistle blaring, and pelt her in the side of the head with a yellow hanky. Then there was the fella yesterday at Lowe’s who had on his Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, black dress shoes, and black dress socks PULLED ALL THE WAY UP TO HIS KNEES. Tweeeeet! Clearly a violation of the league’s uniform policy and deserving of a hefty fine. Oh, and how about the cracksmoker I saw at Burger King? This dillhole must’ve pumped on the obviously-empty ketchup dispenser at least 25 times before finally realizing that no red, tomotoey goodness was ever going to come out. Tweeeeet! That’s ten yards for Unnecessary Roughness on the stainless steel ketchup thingy. Repeat first down, fuckface.
That's just a small sampling from the last two days of my life. And I’m sure all of you could come up with just as many infractions to report as well. Things that make you just want to go “Jeff Tripplett on Orlando Brown” and whiz that weighted yellow flag right into somebody’s orbital socket. This would not only be therapeutic for the non-ignorant members of our society, but would also serve as much-needed deterrents against the stupidity of dumb fuckers everywhere. And let’s not kid ourselves- there are a LOT of dumb fuckers around. Don't believe me? Okay then, how do you explain Hee Haw being on the air for almost twenty years? Stupid southerners. What about the successes of Ashlee Simpson and Ryan Cabrera? Stupid kids. The popularity of The View? Stupid pent-up housewives. The need for warning labels on bottles of lemon-flavored dishwashing liquid? Stupid bachelors. The re-hiring of Norv Turner as an NFL head coach? Stupid Al Davis.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Stupidity knows no bounds. Not gender, not race, not creed, not age...... No class of people anywhere is safe from being in very close proximity to mind-boggling stupidity at all times. Yep, there are a lot of stupid people. Some of these people are born stupid. Some gradually get stupid. Some find stupidity in a bottle of Jack Daniels. Me, I found stupidity while develpoing unhealthy addictions to sports, pop culture, the appearance of my lawn, and underage midget-on-midget porn.
Where did you find your stupidity? Well, you had to find it somewhere, 'cause I hate to break it to you but..... we're all stupid. Yes, even you Bill Gates. You too, Alan Greenspan. Even you, Pauly Shore. Sure, some are more stupid than others and virtually nobody is stupid all the time (at least not outside of West Virginia). The key is to know when you're being stupid and to quickly put a stop to it. That's precisely why I propose Stupidity Refs. Guys paid to follow us around, constantly assessing and closely monitoring our actions, signalling first downs, touchdowns, incompletions, as well as (and most importantly) flagging us for our behavioral violations, stopping the clock, and letting us regroup. You don’t think Tom Cruise could’ve used a Stupidity Ref during the first of his series of “look-at-me-I’m-a-whack-job-now” interviews a couple months ago? Or Evander Holyfield after the first of many embarrassing episodes prancing around on Dancing with the Stars? Or Mama Squintz after the first of her tequila-fueled one night stands with assorted ABA players back in the early Seventies? They all certainly would’ve benefited from a quick flag and a re-huddling to set them back on the right course.
Stupidity Refs. We need ‘em.
To see how they might work, let's take the Stupidity Refs for a test run through this week's slate of games. Follow me………
Dolphins at Bills-
Illegal Procedure, impersonating a quarterback; JP Losman. Five yard penalty and loss of starting job.
Patriots at Falcons-
Illegal use of a herpes-infected penis; Ron Mexico. Fifteen yard penalty and loss of feeling in your nuts.
Ravens at Lions-
We have multiple infractions on the play. Personal foul, unnecessary roughness,... Stabbing... on number 51, Ray Lewis. Also, Illegal Shift.....of drugs.....number 31, Jamal Lewis. Both players have been ejected and taken to county prison. First down!
Saints at Packers-
Unsportsmanlike Conduct, ruining Brett Favre's farewell tour; on the entire Packers team and coaching staff. Congratulations, that's ten yard penalty and loss of a hall of famer. Nice work.
Bears at Browns-
Illegal Procedure, both coaches with gay first names; Lovie and Romeo. The penalties offset. Replay the down.
Seahawks at Rams-
Personal Foul, Roughing the buffet table; Mike Holmgren. Fifteen yard penalty and $50 fine for not leaving any gravy for anyone else.
Redskins at Broncos-
There are two infractions on the offense- Too many players in the huddle; Mike Shannahan's teeth. That penalty is declined. Also, an Illegal Chopper Block; also on Mike Shannahan's teeth. That penalty is accepted. Fifteen yards and his bicuspids have been ejected.
Bucs at Jets-
Illegal Procedure.....Over-the-Hill Wop quarterback lined up under Center. Five yard penalty and loss of the rest of your season.
Titans at Texans-
Porno 'stache lined up in the neutral zone. Five yard penalty and loss of dignity.
Colts at Niners-
Intentional Pounding.........of the Niners. No loss of down or distance. Why? 'Cause Damn the Niners, Damn them straight to Hell!, that's why.
Eagles at Cowboys-
Illegal use of a sweet black ass; Mama McNabb. Ten yard penalty and loss of those big ole panites.
Panthers at Cardinals-
Illegal use of a fat black ass; Denny Green. Thirty five yard penalty to get him way far the fuck away from me.
Bengals at Jaguars-
Too many Johnsons on the field; Cincinnati. Five yard penalty and Who Dey, Who Dey, Who Dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?!
(Monday Night) Steelers at Chargers-
Illegal coochie to my old roommate's unit; Marty Schottenheimer's daughter. Ten yard penalty and loss of hymen. (Seriously, that's still not gotten old for me yet.)
Cal at UCLA-
Oregon at Arizona State-