Show me, don't tell me, You've figured out the score...Show me, don't tell me, I've heard it all before...Show me, don't tell me, I don't care what you say...Show me, don't tell me...You can twist perceptions, Reality won't budge...You can raise objections, I will be the judge...And the jury...I'll give it due reflection, Watching from the fence...Give the jury direction, Based on the evidence...I, the jury...Show, Don't tell

Dec 27, 2007

What's six times four? Seriously?

So I’m in the bakery with my daughter the other day, waiting in line, just checking out what kind of donuts to buy for a Christmas Eve morning treat and I overheard something disturbing. There was a young lady, about 17 or 18 years old, standing with her father beside us. She looked down into the case, backed away, got a far-away look in her eyes as if in deep thought, and then asked her father the following question: “Dad, what’s six times four?”


What made it even more surprising was the fact that she was clutching a thick paperback and was sporting clothes meant for a fifty year-old. She also had a clearly discernable air of superiority about her (seemingly coming not from her average looks but from a sense of her own maturity and intellect), a combination which made her remind me of that chick from Say Anything. You know, the one who’s father ran a corrupt nursing home, was awarded with a scholarship to study in Europe, and who somehow turned a kickboxing John Cusack into a boombox holding romantic. Yeah, her.
What’s six times four? Really? My daughter’s four years old and she can play Uno with adults. I’m pretty sure that she (and several of her classmates) will be spitting out six times four by the second grade.

So what’s the point? The point is, people are fucking stupid. Everyone is stupid sometimes and some people are stupid all the time. Thankfully for the sake of putting this page together each week, there are a helluva lot of people who fall into the latter category. I was thinking about it earlier today and this posting marks the end of the sixth year of Pigskin Palooza, the fourth at this site. Counting preseason previews, that equates to 128 posts and 1,536 matchups. Take out the obligatory 96 “Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!” lines, and the 96 “J!-E!-T!-S!, Suck! SUCK! SUCK!!” lines, and we’re left with 1,344 ridiculous rants and obvious observations which were fueled mainly by the actions of stupid people acting stupidly. As well as fat people getting fatter, sexy people getting sexier, and crazy people getting crazier. That being said, I’d like to take time on this Week 17 of the 2007 season to say thank you to all those who have made this 2007 version of Pigskin Palooza possible. In no certain order, here are Pigskin Palooza’s Most Whatever People, Places and Things of 2007:

Kim Kardashian (my ex-girlfriend) and her big ol’ booty
Gemma Atkinson (my new girlfriend) and her British boobies
Scarlet Johannson
Salma Hayek
Jessica Alba
Elizabeth Hasselbeck
Blanche Devereaux
Mike Shannahan’s dentures
Joe Gibbs’ dimensia
Jeff Fisher’s mustache
Ricky Williams’ weed habit
Fireman Ed
The Great Babu
The Madden Curse
The Hoodie
Tom Brady, the Anti-Christ
Romeo Crennel’s obesity
Denny Green’s obesity
Mike Holmgren’s obesity
Britney Spears’ new-found obesity
Britney Spears’ moccachino addicition
Britney Spears’parenting skills
Britney Spears’ mental illness
Courtney Love’s panties
Homely Kirsten Dunst
Amy Winehouse’s crazy face
Mercury Morris’ bitter, delusionary rants
Chad Pennington’s hair
Jake Delhomme’s hair
Peyton Manning’s horse face
The Wade Phillips Face
The old Buccaneers logo
The Texans logo
The Texas Bikini Team
The USC Song Girls and their tight sweaters
The University of Oregon Cheerleaders
All NFL Cheerleaders everywhere
Marty Schottenheimer’s daught…er….nevermind
Norv Turner and Principal Skinner
Bronco Billy
American Gladiators
The Bachelor
The View
Three’s Company
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Bears & Tinks
Marky Mark
Barney Fife
The Heinz Field grounds crew
Derek Anderson’s deal with the devil
Brett Favre’s deal with the devil
Herm Edward’s deal with the devil
Purple Jesus
OJ Simpson
Mike Brown
Mayor Mallory
Johnny B and his mad crush on Jodi Foster
Cleo Lemon
Gus Frerotte
Vinny Testaverde
Jon Kitna
Tony Romo and his girlfriends
Brady Quinn and his dance photos
All of the Bears pasty, white quarterbacks
Kyle Boller
Mike Vick
Pac Man Jones
Chris Henry
Red Sox Nation
Homicidal Raider fans
Suicidal Dolphin fans
Ugly, obese Steeler fans
Kettle Korn
Chipotle Burritos
Miller Chill
Carrot Top
Grammatica I and Grammatica II
Stuart Scott’s left eye
Stuart Scott’s right eye
Chris Berman’s comb-over
Steven A. Smith’s LOUD MOUTH
Sterling Sharpe’s LOUD MOUTH
Nerdy, Jewy Mike Greenberg
Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list
Various sideline reporters
Don Criqui
Bryant Gumble
Joe Sports Talk
Tim McCarver
The writer’s strike
Angry Alec Baldwin
The ridiculously insane TomKat
The ridiculously untalented Dane Cook
Keanu Reeves
Eddie Griffin’s driving skillz
Mama McNabb
Grandma McNabb
and, of course, …Mama Squintz

Thanks to each and every one of you for making this season of Pigskin Palooza a moderate non-failure. Here’s hoping that you can be dumber, fatter, louder, crazier, sexier and more desperate than ever in 2008. Oh, and back to that girl in the bakery. When she asked her dad, “Dad, what’s six times four?”. I interrupted and wittingly replied, “Two dozen.” (get it, we were in a bakery) She said, “Huh?” Then I said, “Um, how many hours are in a day?” As she started to count in her head, I then asked, “What’s the name of the show with Agent Jack Bauer?” She perked up and said “Pirates of the Caribbean!” A tear slowly came to my eye and I knew right then and there that she had also made it onto the list.

Now, on with the matchups….


Patriots at Giants
Both teams playoff spots are locked up so neither really needs this one. But you just know the Patriots want it bad and the Giants would like nothing more than to be the dragon slayers. You know who else wants to be a dragon slayer? Deodorant-deficient geeks who role play Lord of the Rings and go to Renaissance festivals. Me, I’d rather be a unicorn slayer. What's with all the rainbows? And why are they called unicorns anyway? Shouldn’t it be unihorns? What the fuck does corn have to do with it?
And you wondered why I want to slay them.


Seahawks at Falcons
Which quarterback are the Falcons on now? Number seven? Still number six? Is Jeff George back on the roster yet? And just who in the hell is coaching them?
I haven’t seen a team in such disarray since Norman Fell coached the Homeboys in MTV's 1994 Rock n’ Jock Softball Challenge.

Lions at Packers-
Would someone please explain to me why Matt Millen still has a job? Since he took over as Lions GM in 2001, they’ve posted an NFL-worst 31-80 record. He’s gone through three head coaches, four starting quarterbacks, and a number of first round wide receiver draft busts. If the Lions are the NFL’s equivalent of the Waffle House, and I do believe they are, then Millen’s overnight shift has resulted in three cases of salmonella, a stolen cash register, feces smeared all over the bathroom wall, a murder-suicide in the corner booth, and all of the waitresses have quit.
Best of luck with all that.

Niners at Browns-
Hey Cleveland, did you really think your Brownies would make the playoffs with the 32-ranked defense? Really? You know that’s 32 out of 32, right?
By the way, do you think Romeo knew he was signing up to coach the Brownies or did he think he was ordering brownies? Ahh, I can hear the phone conversation now….

Browns GM Ozzie Newsome: “Hey Romeo, do you want to coach the Browns?”
Romeo: “Brownies? I love brownies.”
Ozzy: “Well, the Brownies love you, too. Whaddya say?”
Romeo: “Yeah, give me some brownies.”
Ozzy: “Okay, I’ll send the papers over to your agent.”
Romeo: “No, not to my agent, just send them to my house. Wait, what do you mean, papers? For the brownies?”
Ozzy: “Yes, for the Brownies. To take over the Brownies.”
Romeo: “Yeah, okay, just send ‘em to me. …And make sure they have nuts.”
Ozzy: “What was that?”
Romeo: “Nuts.”
Ozzy: “Oh yeah, we’ve all got to be a little nuts to be in this business, huh? I’ll call you later.”
Romeo: “Okay, just give me those Brownies.”

Jaguars at Texans-
Don’t look now but I think Johnny B's developing a little man-crush on Coach Del Rio.

Panthers at Buccaneers-
The Bucs will likely be resting some starters as they look forward to a home playoff game against the Giants next weekend. Meanwhile, the Panthers have some serious offseason questions to answer, such as “Will John Fox return as head coach?”, “Will Jake Delhomme be the team’s starting quarterback next season?”, and “Will they finally give in to public pressure and change their name to the Charlotte Raes?”

Bills at Eagles-
This could be Donnie Mac’s last game as an Eagle. It’s being speculated that Philly may turn to rookie Kevin Kolb to lead the team in ’08 and if so, McNabb may look to return home to Chicago and take over as signal caller for the Bears. I for one think that’s a fantastic idea. Anything to get Mama McNabb’s sweet 54-48-56 ass a little closer to me is music to my ears.

Tinks (Saints) at Bears-
Good job by the schedule makers to set a Week 17 rematch of last year’s NFC championship game.
Too bad these two teams couldn’t figure out how to handle last year’s success. Watching them this season was like watching Corey Haim and Corey Feldman fall apart in the early ‘90’s. One minute you’re making movies with Heather Graham and hanging out with the King of Pop, the next you’re snorting cocaine off of a trash can lid and wondering why Ethan Hawke and Christian Slater are getting all the good roles.

Bengals at Dolphins-
The Miami Dolphins are now on the clock.

While they take some time to figure out who to select, let’s relax with a few of South Florida’s finest…

Hey look kids, it's Tom Jones! Isn't that...not unusual.

Cowboys at Redskins-
Redskins win and they’re in the playoffs. If I were them, I’d hire a few dozen Jessica Simpson look-alikes to roam the sidelines and get Romo all flustered. Hell, I’d play her videos and show clips from her movies (what are there, like two of ‘em?) on the jumbotron during every timeout. I’d even hire Nick Lachey to sing the national anthem, look over at Tony, and then sniff his finger as he runs it under his nose. Then, I’d send a clubhouse boy to his locker at halftime to deliver pics of Jessica, Carrie Underwood, and me lying in bed together. The ones from our weekend in Tahoe last summer. Man, that was a good time. Too bad they couldn’t handle sharing me. But I was honest with them. I said, “Look, I’m not going to stop seeing Mama Squintz . She makes a mean pot pie an does that thing with her tongue…. I can’t give that up.

Chiefs at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! SUCK!! SUCK!!!

Rams at Cardinals-
Hey fellas, it’s time for the final Cheerleader Posedown of 2007!!

Chargers at Raiders-
Did anyone else happen to catch Phillip Rivers taunting Jay Cutler at the end of the Chargers-Broncos game last Monday Night? He had that look on his face like a drunken redneck looking for a fight outside the bar & grill cause somebody had the gall to say something bad about his truck. What a no-class hickweed that fucker is. Having the mediocre season he’s having, lucky to be on a team that’s winning despite his ineptitude, and he has the stones to talk shit to an opposing QB? My belated Christmas wish is for him to get sucked into the Black Hole this Sunday and come out missing an eye, with a skull shoved up his rectum and a tattoo on his forehead that reads “Al Davis is my Daddy”.

Vikings at Broncos-
Okay, enough of the Purple Jesus stuff. He’s not doing as well over the last few weeks, it’s kinda sacreligious, and, well, it’s getting kinda stale. So, I’ve got a new nickname for him: Purple Headed Soldier. It’s perfect! He’s got a purple helmet, he wears the helmet on his head, and he’s strong & determined like a soldier. Plus, it’s a pretty nifty penis reference.

Steelers at Ravens-
If there was ever a team that could be the poster child for the phrase “Any given Sunday…” it’s the 2007 Baltimore Ravens. If it weren’t for an ill-advised timeout called by Rex Ryan, they’d not only be the only team to beat the Patriots this year, but also the only team to lose to the lowly Dolphins.
So what does this mean? I don’t know, it’s just an observation. Give me a break, there’s only one matchup left, I can see light at the end of the tunnel here.

Sunday Night

Titans at Colts
Tennessee, like the Redskins, are in a position where if they win, they’re in. More importantly, if they win, the Browns are out. Here’s hoping Jeff Fisher has a little more magic in that world-class cookie duster of his.
Go Titans!

Dec 19, 2007

The Guarantee Fairy, Street Magic, Mama McNabb, Grandma McNabb, Amy Winehouse, Unstoppable Eli, an Old, Bitter Dolphin, and a little Oral from Santa

My Christmas gift to you is no ranting or raving from me this week. Grab yourself a cup of egg nog, splash it with some bourbon, and let's go straight to the matchups...

Thursday Night

Steelers at Rams
What’s happened to the Steelers? They’ve lost two straight and Roethlisberger’s not been sharp lately. It’s almost like he’s distracted or something.
Oh shit, I should’ve known….

Cowboys at Panthers-
Speaking of being distracted...

Some people are saying that Romo’s distracted by her body but my sources tell me he’s just tired from their recent late night discussions about alternative fuel sources, the economic fallout caused by defaults in the subprime mortgage market, and debating the long term effect of the Kyoto Treaty on free trade in North America.

Chiefs at Lions-
Remember that guarantee Kitna made in preseason, that the Lions would win at least ten games this season? Yeah, well you remember what Tommy Boy Callahan said about guarantees…
"Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting. Here's the way I see it. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.
And why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right?
The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.
They put a guarantee on the box because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me."

Browns at Bengals-
Um, uh, hmmm….(sigh)….. Hey uh, um…..yeah….(deeper sigh)….uh… Oh lookie there, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!

Packers at Bears-
Hey, are you tired of working nine to five? Tired of a stingy boss and getting passed over for promotions? Looking for a fresh start and a job with great pay and excellent benefits? Well, if you’re short, pasty-white, have a history of making bad decisions under pressure, and preferably male, the Chicago Bears are looking for you!

Texans at Colts-
Good Lord, how many commercials is Peyton in now? Credit cards, satellite service, shoes, sports drinks, video games, clothes, …. He sells more shit than a fucking quickie mart.

Giants at Bills-
Not surprisingly, Eli doesn’t have quite as many endorsement deals but the one he does have, opts for a surprising choice of words …

Unstoppable. Really? Are the people at Citizen sure they want to compare their product to Eli Manning? If so, then I’m assuming you can also stop a Citizen watch with a mediocre secondary and a slight crosswind.

Eagles at Saints-
While Mama McNabb’s been out cavorting with Big Ben, somebody’s gotta keep making the soup, right?

Raiders at Jaguars-
How is Coach Del Rio doing it? David Garrard’s the quarterback, some no-name receivers, a shaky secondary…. He’s a freakin’ magic man. In honor of his magicianship, here’s the best piece of street magic I’ve seen in a long time….

Falcons at Cardinals-
The Falcons are a mess. A huge mess. Their coach is in Arkansas, their quarterback is in prison, and their defense is in the shitter. The only thing in worse shape than the Falcons is Amy Winehouse.

Apparently she too was very surprised to read about Petrino leaving for Arkansas.

Buccaneers at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!

Dolphins at Patriots-
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the tailback of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, Mr. Mercury Morris….

…. And now I’m desperately hoping that the Pats run the table.

Ravens at Seahawks-
In honor of the Ravens losing in Miami last Sunday, here’s this week’s pop quiz…

What’s more embarrassing than losing to the Dolphins?
a) Having your credit card declined
b) Shitting your pants in public
c) Being seen naked
d) Getting caught masturbating
e) Getting caught naked in bed with an orangutang, tossing poop & trading hand jobs
f) Having to say, “I’d like you to meet my husband, Brian Billick.”

Answer: e)

Jets at Titans-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!

Redskins at Vikings-
Beat the Purple Jesus on eve of Christmas Eve? Surely you can’t be serious.

Monday Night

Broncos at Chargers
I could think of a whole lot of things I’d rather do than watch this game on Christmas Eve, right Santa? …Santa? ……Santa? …. Oh, there you are...

Dec 11, 2007

Gladiators, Joe's Diner, bloody Terrible Towels, Burt Reynolds, Bear Blasting, Britney, Romo the Homo, and Coach Gibb's drool cup


Last week, I said that the winners of the writers’ strike would ultimately be us, the viewers. Well, this week I’m here to tell you that…. I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT! In fact, I had no idea how awesome this was gonna’ be. I was just looking forward to some fun awards show moments. I had NO IDEA what other fallout was on the horizon. I mean, I knew that the elimination of scripted shows from regular programming would prompt an increase in reality television and game shows but I did not anticipate the news I heard yesterday. And it makes soooo much sense. Reality television, game shows. Game shows, reality television. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. You got peanut butter in my chocolate. What was the perfect blend of reality television with a game show, stirred up with just the perfect pinches of spandex, steroids, horrible announcers, and people who take themselves waaay to seriously?
Um, look below…

That’s right, American Gladiators is back! Where? On NBC, where else? Shit, if they gave Alec Baldwin a sitcom, they’ll fuckin’ try anything. Sadly, Malibu will not be part of the new cast as nowadays he’s most likely working as night manager of a Gold’s Gym somewhere in the San Francisco Bay area, still putting the exclamation point on his workouts by slamming a fistful of roids and now also chasing them with some Rogaine, a little Viagra, and a tall glass of Maalox to help keep him regular. And speaking of Rogaine, Hulk Hogan is going to be a part of the new cast. Not as a gladiator, at least I don’t think so. Likely, more as a color commentator (Brother!). Joining him as a commentator/host is Laila Ali. Now I must admit, I was kinda hoping for Todd Christensen and his perm or Larry Czonka and his messed up face to come back as the color guys. Christensen was always taking long pauses as looking for some kind of spiritual meaning or motivation behind why some gym teacher from Houston was inconceivably able to knock Blaze off of her perch in the joust competition. And Czonka always seemed one stray twitch away from tearing someone’s head off, tucking it under his arm and running through a wall. Then there was Mike Adamle. Remember him? He was the pint-sized former NFL running back (back when there were white NFL running backs) who treated every episode like he was broadcasting the Super Bowl. If he’s back, this thing is sure to make a weekly appearance on The Soup and get it’s own YouTube channel. Oh, and I almost forgot, Joe Theisman was the original co-host with Adamle. Last I checked, he wasn’t doing anything. Um, whaddya say we go ahead and keep it that way.
So, other than the Hulkster and Muhammad Ali’s daughter, who’s on the show? Good question (that I just asked myself). Though it’s supposed to begin airing in January, they’ve released no information on other announcers or the cast of mutants, er, gladiators. But you can be sure that each of the gladiators will be freakishly proportioned and come with an alias that sounds like a cross between a porn star and a superhero. The last batch had names like Nitro, Blaze, Ice, Zap, Turbo, Storm, Bronco, Siren (the only deaf gladiator), Laser, and, of course, Malibu. Over the six seasons from ’89-’96, they defended their turf in such events as Joust, Breakthrough and Conquer, Powerball, and Assault.

The only thing missing in the original was personality. The gladiators had none and the contestants were mostly dull. I usually found myself not giving a shit who won. What the hell good is a game show/sporting event if you can’t root for someone and wish humiliation on another? Seriously, right? So (of course) I have a plan to solve this problem the second time around. I’ve compiled a list of new gladiators who are all sure to draw your interest. They are listed below, eight men, eight women, along with their new American Gladiator nicknames.

Mark McGwire- Andro
Mike Tyson- Rapester
Pac Man Jones- The Rain Man
Tom Cruise- Half Pint Phaeton
Lawrence Taylor- Snort
Dog the Bounty Hunter- Biggot
Macho Man Randy Savage- Grandpa Macho
Carrot Top- Hack
Jessica Simpson- Ditz
Britney Spears- Sleaze
New York (from Flava of Love)- Drama
The Olsen Twins- Sleepy and Sneezy
Jenna Jameson- Swallow
Carmen Elektra- Nipples
And of course, my old girlfriend…
Kim Kardashian- Booty

Please make it happen, NBC. Do it for me. Do it for America. Do it for ratings. Mostly, do it for poor Malibu, living off of residuals and his crappy Gold’s Gym salary. If you do this right, the sky’s the limit. Next stop, a new & improved Battle of the Network Stars. Ooh, the girls from Heroes suited up for swimming competitions.... I think I just pitched a tent. Now, on with the matchups….

Thursday Night

Broncos at Texans-
I’m guessing that slightly less people will be pissed off about not having the NFL Network and missing this one. But as the commercial says, there ought to be some “Shanihanigans” in this one. Have you seen those Joe’s Diner commercials on the NFL Network? I love ‘em. Don’t know if it’s the witty banter, the bearded guy’s Boston accent, or the fact that Joe Montana is stuck working as a hapless fry cook. Probably all three. I hope Montana burned himself during one of the takes. And I may be getting old but I firmly believe that all men should be able to spend at least one extended lunch or breakfast per week at a diner with his pals. Coffee, cigarettes, eggs, toast, some kind of meat, maybe bacon or ham, sausage, something from a pig, and discussions about sports, movies, things that piss you off, guys you want to punch, and women you’d like to bang if you weren’t a married middle-class loser spending your morning in a diner.

Saturday Night

Bengals at Niners
This may not make up for two Super Bowl defeats but I’ll take it. Damn you 49ers, damn you all straight to hell!!!


Jets at Patriots
This one is sure to get U.G.L.Y. I say we just throw Belichek and Mangini into a steel cage and let ‘em fight to the death. I’m guessing Mangini would quickly take Belicheck to the ground and eventually administer a submission hold, only to have Belichek pull a camera from his hoodie and clock Mangini in the ear with it. Then Randy Moss runs in with a folding chair as the referee frantically calls for the timekeeper to ring the bell.

Jaguars at Steelers-
It must’ve taken a shitload of Terrible Towels to stop the bleeding from that anal raping up in Foxboro last weekend. I hear there are just three cases of them left and they all belong to a gas station owner in West Virginia. Word has it that he’s either going to put them up on Ebay or give them away to charity. And by “give them away to charity”, I mean give them away to Charity. Charity’s a low-class stripper in Huntington who gives high-class BJs and often works on the barter system. Just one Terrible Towel will typically buy you ten minutes of oral delight, complete with her patented move, the “Mine Shaft”.

Seahawks at Panthers-
The John Fox Farewell Tour heads back to Charlotte!

Ravens at Dolphins-
Here’s a sentence that has never been written before:
Cleo Lemon will be the best quarterback in the stadium this Sunday.
Unless, of course, Jamie Foxx, Keanu Reeves, or Burt Reynolds happen to be watching from a luxury box.

Packers at Rams-
Stephen Jackson is… Awesome. If he scores a touchdown, runs through the end zone and right through the wall, I would classify my reaction as only “mildly surprised”. It’s like instead of blood, he’s got Powerthirst running through his veins. And I believe Fox Sports has reported that he’s the only NFL player currently capable of Bear-Blasting.
(see video at bottom of blog)

Cardinals at Saints-
Our first true Parachute Game of the season. Two teams, one parachute. Winner floats safely down to keep fighting for a playoff spot, loser smashes face-first into the earth, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust and a crap stain on the back of its pants. I once fell face-first and crapped my pants but it had nothing to do with football. Or parachutes. Let’s just say it involved a half dozen too many Jagermeister shots, three cheese coneys, and an ill-advised jump off of a retaining wall. Good times.

Titans at Chiefs-
Time for this week’s pop quiz….
When the Titans team plane leaves Nashville and heads to Kansas City, which direction will it be flying?
a) Northwest
b) Southwest
c) Due West
d) Up
e) From one crappy little redneck town to another crappy little redneck town

Answer: a, d, and e

Bills at Browns-
This isn’t the first time that two candidates for Coach of the Year have squared off this late in the regular season. But it is the first time that two Coach of the Year candidates have squared off this late in the regular season where one of the coaches was physically able to actually eat the other coach.

Falcons at Buccaneers-
Vick(arrested), Schaub(traded), Harrington(injured), Leftwich(injured), Shockley(injured), Redman. The Falcons have gone through quarterbacks like Britney Spears goes through grande moccachino lattes with extra whip. That bitch is crazy.

Colts at Raiders-
Hey fellas, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!

Eagles at Cowboys-
As if I didn't hate Romo's cheesy little grinning fuck face enough already, then I stumble upon this....

Where the fuck is my shovel?

Lions at Chargers-
Ever since Jon Kitna and his wife decided to use Halloween as an opportunity to dress up & make fun of one of the Lions coaches, they’ve lost five straight. Concidence? Yeah, probably. Karma? Definitely.

Redskins at Giants-
Could someone please make sure that Coach Gibbs is awake, fed, and dressed well before gametime? Thanks. Last week we cut it a bit close. At one point, he wandered away unattended in the tunnel with a TV Guide, a can of orange soda, wearing only his adult diaper and yelling at the cheerleaders to give him a sponge bath. This man is an icon people, please keep him restrained and/or medicated so he doesn’t embarrass himself. And, for the last time, do not forget to have his drool cup handy at all times!

Monday Night

Bears at Tinks (Vikings)-

Forgive me Purple Jesus, for I know not what I do.

....Aaaand Johnny B's jaw just hit the floor.

Dec 5, 2007

The 2008 Emmy’s, Pissed off Dolphins, Principal Skinner, my new girlfriend, the Ford Focus, Scar-Jo's boobies, and Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list

So I hear that Hollywood’s writers are on strike. Good thing for me that the Palooza writers are locked into a contract that runs through 2015. I pay them with bottles of vodka and packs of cigarettes in exchange for their brilliance. And by “them” I mean “me”, and by “brilliance” I mean “literary genius”. Those Hollywood writers are apparently ticked off that they aren’t getting a cut of the DVD sales & rentals of their movies and tv shows. Sounds fair enough. But then again, the studios claim that if they give an unprecedented cut to the writers, the cost of DVDs will have to increase.


You know, after much thought about the matter, I’ve come to this conclusion: Who gives a fuck?

I only watch four shows that are scripted- Scrubs, The Office, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Heroes. The rest is sports, old SNL reruns, and an occasional episode of Run’s House. This isn’t going to cause me to lose any sleep. Hell, I’m looking forward to seeing what the people who are addicted to Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Lost, Boston Legal, and the countless Law & Order and CSI spinoffs are gonna do with their free time. It’ll also be funny to see how MTV handles putting some of their “reality” shows on hiatus. What, The Hills is scripted? Say it isn’t so.
As interesting as all that will be, the best part of this strike, if it continues through the rest of the winter, will be its affect on the awards shows. It’s usually bad enough when celebs get paired-up, take to the podium and engage in some cheesy, scripted banter before announcing nominees. Most of them can barely handle the script off the telepromter on live television, can you imagine what happens if they write their own stuff or, God forbid, just try to wing it?

Imagine this scenario. Scene: the 2008 Emmy Awards. Alec Baldwin and Jaime Pressley are paired to present the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series.
(Announcer)- She’s the sexy star of My Name is Earl. He’s the sexist star of 30 Rock. Jaime Pressley and Alec Baldwin.

(audience applause)

(Jaime Pressley)- You know, it ain’t easy bein’ an actress. There’s lines to learn and stuff. And you always gotta’ make sure you don’t get fat.

(Alec Baldwin)- Well, you don’t have to worry about that Jaime. You look great.

(Jaime, blushing)- Thank you.

(Alec)- You know who used to look great? My ex-wife, Kim Bassinger. Now she’s got love handles and her boobs are sagging. It’s not a pretty site.

(Jaime)- Alec, that’s not nice to say. Everybody gets older. I remember what my grandpappy said to me-

(Alec, interrupting)- You know, everybody does get older and maybe it wouldn’t have been a problem if she wasn’t such a friggin’ bitch. Fucking whore. And now she’s spewing her hatred of me to our daughter. That little pig is another story,…

(Jamie, as Alec is forceably removed from the stage by security)- And now the nominees for Best Supportin’ Actress in a Drama Series. Sandra Oh, Grey’s Anatomy….

(Alec, struggling to get back to the podium)- Get your fucking hands off of me! I will kill all of you! You see this honey?! You see what you’ve done?! Happy now?! Are you happy now, you little pig?!!!

(Jaime)- …Sally Fields, Brothers and Sisters….

(Alec, still struggling)- Get the…what is that? Don’t tase me, bro’, don’t you fuckin’ ta-

(Alec gets tased)

(Jaime)- Candice Bergen, Boston Legal…. Emily Proctor, CSI:Miami…..And Mel, Mel…Melinda….er, Melina….uh…Melina Kana….Kanakraz….Melina Kanazra…..Melina…..Melina Kana-sumthin’, CSI: New York.

That. Would. Be. Awesome!

So who wins as a result of the writer’s strike? We all win! Well, unless your life revolves around Grey’s Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives, or The Hills, or whatever. But if that’s the case, you’re a loser anyway.

Now, on with the matchups….

Thursday Night

Bears at Tinks (Redskins)-
First sign that you may have the chicken pox: a red, itchy rash
First sign that you may have herpes: a red, itchy rash
First sign that you may have Alzheimer’s: You call back-to-back timeouts resulting in a fifteen yard penalty which turns the opposition’s 50-yard field goal attempt into a 35-yard field goal attempt and you lose an emotional game being played in memory of your recently-slain Pro Bowl safety.

Panthers at Jaguars-
Allow me to be the first to say it, The John Fox Farewell Tour heads for a stop in Jacksonville!

Dolphins at Bills-
News out of Miami is that the NAADP (National Association for the Advancement of Dol Phins), is demanding that the Miami Dolphins change their nickname immediately.
In a televised press conference held earlier today, Jesse Blowhole, spokesman for the NAADP said the following, “Eeee-Eee-Eeee-Eee-Eeee-Eeeeeeee-Ee-Ee. Eee-Eeeeeee-Eeee-Eee-Eeeee-Eeee. Eeee-Eee-Eeeeee-Eee-Ee. Eeee-Eeee-Ee-Eeeeeeeeee.”
Loosely translated, it equates to “Stop using the term Dolphin when referring to your sorry-ass team. We are a proud fish, unlike the tuna or the marlin, and we’re not publicity hounds like the sharks. We are an intelligent, agile, brave nation and wish to not be trivialized on the helmets of such an embarrassing football team. Therefore, we demand that you cease and desist using the nickname Dolphin immediately or we will be forced to take quick and decisive legal action. Thank you. Oh, and while I have the mic, I’d like to give a quick shout-out to my peeps hangin’ out down in Del Mar; P-Dawg, Munzie, Hook Eye, Ray-Ray. Much love my bruthaz, much love. See you ‘round the tuna nets at the reunion. PEACE!”

Chargers at Titans-
Seperated at birth????

Buccaneers at Texans-
What do you get when you combine the anger and intelligence of Chucky with the over-the-top annoyance of Carrot Top? A trip to the playoffs, baby. And no, I’m not going to post pics of Gruden and Garcia to drive home the point that they look eerily like the aforementioned characters. Instead, I will post a pic of my new girlfriend, Gemma Atkinson. Yep, that’s right, I dumped Kim Kardashian. The sex tape she made with a lame club DJ didn’t bother me and neither did the fact that her deceased father used to be OJ’s attorney. Nope, what got me was when I surprised her early one morning and saw that she had a unibrow. Yeah, I know. Apparently she waxes that fur line every morning before letting other humans see her. So, I’m onto a relatively hairless blonde British beauty with large brains. Hurray for me!

Raiders at Packers-
Brett Favre has a bad elbow. That might affect his performance. I remember a few years ago when Johnny B hurt his elbow in a freak moped accident. He bitched for weeks about how he had to have “special time” with his other hand. The good news however is that due to the insane frequency of how often Johnny has “special time”, his other hand became so strong that he’s now ambidextrous and often brags about being able to write and whack simultaneously. It’s apparently a real time-saver when addressing Christmas cards.

Cowboys at Lions-
The Lions have fallen apart faster than a Ford Focus two days after its’ warranty has expired. They’ve gone from 6-2 and a sure-fire playoff team to 6-6 and now staring a possible losing season right in it’s oh-so-familiar face. To make things even worse, word out of Detroit this week is that free agents to be, Roy Williams and Kevin Jones, are counting the days until they can leave Rock City. But there is some good news if you’re a Detroit fan- spring training is less than 90 days away….

Giants at Eagles-
Let me get this straight, Tom Coughlin’s job is safe and Andy Reid is on the hot seat?
(shaking head back and forth and making the Scooby-Doo sound)
That’s like Michael promoting Schrute for one productive month and firing Jim for one bad month. Ridiculous.
For those of you who don’t watch The Office, you totally didn’t get that one. Sorry, I’ll try a CSI:Miami reference next week.

Rams at Bengals-
Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die. Mike Brown must die.

Cardinals at Seahawks-
The Seahawks are like the guy who dropped out of school, got his GED and is now working as a fry cook at Johnny Rockets. Normally, he’d be a disgrace to his family but luckily for him, he has three brothers- one in jail for armed robbery, one homeless and hooked on crack, and one working as a male prostitute.

Speaking of the male prostitute…

Vikings at Niners-
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!
Smite them, Purple Jesus. Smite their asses!!!

Chiefs at Broncos-
I’ve got just four words to say about this matchup. It’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!

Steelers at Patriots-
This is my “Chips n Salsa, Six Pack of Bud, and Some Leftover Pizza” Game.
I am gonna park my ass on the couch with the aforementioned luxuries and settle in to see some carnage. I truly believe that there are three great, joyous moments in a man’s life that just cannot be missed. The birth of one’s children, full frontal nude scenes involving Scarlet Johannson, and the humiliation of the Pittsburgh Steelers. None of these come along very often (unless of course, you’re Shawn Kemp), so when they do, make sure not to miss them. Life is short and true joy is rare, my friends. Do not miss this game.

Browns at Jets-
J!-E!-T!-S! Suck! Suck!! SUCK!!!

Colts at Ravens-
Ever see a porno where the dude shoots his wad with one chick, then another chick comes in and he just doesn’t have anything left for another money shot? Me either, but that’s the situation the Ravens are in this week after losing last Monday to the Pats. My guess is we’ll see a tired effort resulting in mostly lifeless play fueled by a drop or two of inspiration.

Monday Night

Saints at Falcons
One of my sources at the North Pole has forwarded Tony Kornheiser’s Christmas list to me. After a quick scan, it became obvious that his list should be the subject of this week’s Palooza Pop Quiz.
Which of the following items is NOT included in Kornheiser’s Christmas list?
a) Another ill-fitting sports coat
b) A soft-bristled brush that’s easy on the scalp when performing the comb-over
c) A life-sized blowup doll of Michelle Tafoya
d) A life-sized blowup doll of Tom Brady
e) A City of Jacksonville snowglobe

Answer: e)

Nov 27, 2007

A bedroom machete, the Double Shovel, Courtney Love's underwear, Barney Fife, my tour in Nam, The Predator, and Synchronized Group Defacation

Like most of you, the first thing I thought when I heard that Sean Taylor had been shot was, "Shit, I hope Chris Henry didn't shoot him." And the next thing that popped into my head was, "I wonder if Pac Man Jones shot him?" Then I thought to myself, "I wonder if we still have any of that leftover spicy chicken dip left in the fridge."

Look, I’m sorry that Sean Taylor died. It’s tragic, it’s uncalled for, and it’s especially terrible for his infant daughter. But I am so sick and tired of what typically happens after an incident like this. I’m sick of every normally sarcastic, attention-whoring Joe Sports Talk Host falling over himself to show his sensitive side to the world. “My heart goes out to the whole Redskin family…”, “It’s just a reminder that life is so very precious…”, “Our thoughts and prayers are with the Taylor family…”

What?! Five minutes ago you were trashing a player for an end zone celebration, demanding that a coach be fired, and belittling a caller. And before you send your heart out to anyone, you might first want to see if they really want something that small, black and frozen before you go to the trouble of retrieving it from the iron padlocked box you keep it in while you’re on the air.

You didn’t know Sean Taylor. All you know is that the dude got shot & died and your bullcrap sensor is telling you to start dishing out your best funeral lines. If you’re going to be a wise-cracking jackball (not unlike myself), then be a wise-cracking jackball. Turning sincere when someone dies is so, well, insincere. “That Sean Taylor is a punk. Just another punk from the U. Remember when he spit on that Tampa Bay player? What a jerkwad. They should’ve suspended….What? He’s dead? … Let me be the first to offer my condolences to the Taylor family. We joke around a lot on this show but you never want to see someone die.”

Really? I’d like to see some people dead. OJ, Robert Blake, Michael Moorer, anyone who willfully harms a child, Osama Bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Mike Brown, Chris Berman, any distant rich relatives who may happen to have me in their will, Kim Jung Il, Ashton Kutcher, and, of course, all two-faced Joe Sports Talk Guys.

And to be fair, it’s not just the radio hosts. It’s also the callers, the message board goofs, bloggers, and EVERYONE at ESPN. Everybody’s a blowhard until someone dies. Then, it’s time to straighten up your dress, put on a solemn face, and talk with your “inside” voice. Hell, I’ll bet even Stephen A. Smith and Sterling Sharpe have toned it down to levels that, for a change, will not cause your ears to bleed. As much as I like my ears not to bleed, this behavior isn’t genuine and it’s really kind of insulting. And I hate to break it to you guys but it doesn’t give you credibility or show your maturity. It only shows that you’re either a) faking it now or b) your normal everyday blowhard act is fake. Either way, to steal a line from Good Will Hunting, “You’re suspect!”

Just say it like it is. Taylor was a thug who unfortunately got shot while not acting like a thug. Probably. Or maybe somebody thought he had it coming. Or not. Who knows? His fiancée was quoted as saying that they heard a loud noise in the house and Taylor grabbed the machete he kept in the bedroom for protection and started out to investigate.
Go ahead and read that again, I’ll wait...
…. A machete? Seriously? Well, yeah I guess that’s normal. Most upstanding citizens have machetes in their bedrooms. Chances are, if you’ve got a machete in your bedroom, eventually things are not going to end well for you.

I didn’t know him, he didn’t know me. I didn’t shoot him and I won’t be at the funeral so I really have no emotions about it. I’m just wondering who the Skins are going to plug in at safety.

Thursday Night

Packers at Cowboys
Winner of this one likely winds up getting home-field throughout the NFC playoffs.
Hmmm, an NFC championship game played in cozy Dallas with God peeking down through the roof, or an NFC championship game played in godforsaken country with two feet of snow on the ground. I’ll be rooting for the Pack. Not because I want to see a snow game in January, because I can’t stand smiley guys. Tony Romo’s a smiley guy. Hey Tony, hows about you and Hines Ward take your smiley faces on down to a gay bar and sing along to some Village People songs. It’s times like these when I need my new invention to become reality. The Double Shovel. One long wooden handle, two square-faced shovels…. Hey Tony, Hines, come over here for a second. I have to ask you guys something. Here, stand next to each other. A little closer…BLAMM!!!


Niners at Panthers
Damn the Niners, damn them straight to hell!!!

Bills at Redskins-
I think the Skins have to make a roster move.
Hell, I know, whatever.

Texans at Titans-
New Oilers versus old Oilers and neither of them is called the Oilers. Instead, one team’s named after giant, mythical people and the other is named after people who wear giant, mythical belt buckles. That’s what you call a lose-lose.

Falcons at Rams-
Joey Harrington and the Falcons battle Gus Frerotte and the Rams, this Sunday on FOX!

Seahawks at Eagles-
You get the feeling that the Seahawks could lose the rest of their games and still wind up winning the NFC West? That division’s crappier than Courtney Love’s underwear after one of her normal pot pie, gin, and diet pills lunch.

Chargers at Chiefs-
Speaking of the west, these two ho-hummers are battling for first place in the AFC West. Good Lord, football teams are a lot like Irish bars this season- you can’t find but one or two decent ones west of Chicago.

Lions at Vikings-
Look Jon, it’s Jesus. And he’s purple!

Jaguars at Colts-
Can you imagine what Del Rio’s Jags could do if they ever got a quarterback who could throw? They could win at least nine games a year with a wounded elderly platypus behind center. They’ll probably win ten with David Garrard. They’d likely win fourteen if they had Manning. Peyton, that is. They’d likely only win six if they had Eli. Three less than with the platypus.

Jets at Dolphins-
Ho. Ly. Crap, what a game! If the Fish lose this one, things get a little desperate and really depressing in Miami. I can smell the carbon monoxide in the locked garage already.

Broncos at Raiders-
Time for this week’s pop quiz…
Everyone knows that The Black Hole is the end zone section at Raiders home games where people dress up like freakish GWAR members and commit unspeakable acts. What is the most unspeakable act ever committed there?
a) The sodomization of a recently deceased horse
b) Synchronized group defacation
c) The sacrifice of a live hot dog vendor to appease the Third Down God
d) A round-robin chess tournament
e) I can’t say because, well, it’s unspeakable

Answer: e)

Browns at Cardinals-
I know what you're thinking, "Holy crap, Romeo Crennel's gotta spend over three hours baking in the Arizona sun!" First of all, yeah, ewww! Bet secondly, don't worry, the grounds crew had plenty of practice over the last couple years when Denny Green rolled up & down the sidelines. They've virtually got the sweat puddle drainage system down to a science.

Buccaneers at Saints-
Hey fellas, it’s Cheerleader Posedown Time!!!

Tinks (Giants) at Bears-
Here we have a pressure game featuring two quarterbacks who handle pressure worse than Barney Fife. It ought to be fun to see which one shoots himself in the foot and which one locks himself in the jail cell with Otis.

Bengals at Steelers-
Did you happen to see the horrendous field conditions at Heinz Field on Monday Night? Watch this shit...

Holy mother of rice patties, I haven’t seen terrain that fucked up since my tour in Nam. I know, I was only three years old when the Vietnam War, er, Conflict ended but they took me ‘cause I was an explosives expert and a black belt in Jujistu. Also, thanks to my nanny, Shing Wan, I spoke fluent Vietnamese and was pretty adept at wooing information out of the oriental girls.

Monday Night

Patriots at Ravens
Watching last week’s Pats-Eagles game was like that scene in The Predator where they see its’ neon green blood dripping onto a leaf. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

But before anyone gets their hopes up, remember, that hideous creature killed like eight guys before Schwarzenegger finally had to blow it up with a shitload of explosives. The Ravens seem to be fresh out of explosives.